For most of my life I was a control freak. The more I controlled, the more anxiety I had but was convinced if I had control the anxiety would be relieved.
Ask my daughters and they will confirm I did my best to control everyone and everything around me. It’s genetic. My grandmother controlled my mother. My mother did her best to control me but wasn’t always successful.
I didn’t control my girls as much, but I definitely exercised control when I could.
Then one day I realized that control was a mirage. I never had had control. When my world came crashing down, it was a tough lesson.
Now I understand control is a mirage. The only constant is the Lord. And He is always full of surprises.
So mostly now I don’t even think about uncertainty. As long as I live, what happens in life will be uncertain. And I can trust it’ll all work out.
I find myself in a weird spot. I moved to my current location because my Daughter and Son-in-law were here, but when he finished his medical residency, they moved to Northeastern Pennsylvania my younger daughter lives in Sunny Southern California. I cannot afford to live in either one of those places.
My friends from before being divorced have not stayed in contact even though I’ve tried. A couple do stay in contact, but they are very rich and travel and have second homes. They’re always going on trips and I can’t afford to do that plus they are married or they’re single with money.
I am divorced. I work full-time as a Nanny. I’m not a widow. I’m not retired. I’m obviously not married and sadly I find that most women in my age bracket are either married, retired, or widowed. I’m not free to do things during the day and as often as I hear, I love friends in all age brackets, I’ve yet to have one Mother younger than I am, invite me for coffee.
I try to understand because they see me as their mother and not as a potential friend.
I’ve searched online for social groups, but at my age they seem to all meet during the day and I’m not available. I do go to church but again I find no women in my current life stage.
The town I live in is not super small, but it’s not a metropolitan area. There are no museums. There are no concerts for well-known acts. The local community college needs all sorts of paperwork that I no longer have, to be admitted to take a class. I drive to the largest metropolitan area sometimes on the weekend to take cooking classes, but everybody in the class lives in that area and I’m over an hour away. I do go to a library book club but it’s super small and everyone is busy.
This town does not feel like home because Home is where your heart is and my heart is in Pennsylvania and California. I pray diligently and faithfully that God will lead me in the direction I need to go. I just haven’t heard God speak to me in so many years.
How can I answer this question? I could say foie gras or a strawberry tarte in France. But then I remember the pizza and limoncello in Italy and think this is the best. I remember fresh salmon and lefse in Norway and rethink my choices. A yummy hamburger with all the toppings and fries in the U.S. or the homemade ice cream I made just a week ago and I’m positive this is it. I remember the stuffed grape leaves in Greece with the spanakopita and wish I was there.
There are the tropic beverages of the Caribbean, the juicy steak in Canada, the apple strudel of Austria, and I just get more and more confused.
Food, like scents, can be the greatest invoker of memory. So I’m going to say all of it is my favorite.
What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?
I used to worry about getting old, more precisely looking old. This concern became more intense post divorce. Would anyone ever love an older woman?
Our society pressures females to stay young. All you have to do is pick up a lady’s magazine and you’ll find articles and a massive number of ads for anti-aging products. Turn the page and it’s a recipe for a decadent chocolate cake or delicious high calorie meal.
You might find an article about embracing your age or letting go of worries about aging. It’s nothing but mixed messages.
Throughout time women typically married older men who had money. Why? Women couldn’t be employed unless they were of the lower economic stratus. So if you came from a family with money, but the money went to a brother you were left penniless. And if you were of the lower economic class, you had to work at the “big house” the idea of a spouse and children were off limits. Or you worked 7 days a week 12-14 hours a day in a factory. If you did have a child out of wedlock, you were forced out of any job you had.
Men wanted younger wives to have babies. Childbirth was a dangerous venture and it still is. A man needed lots of children because the odds said the majority wouldn’t reach adulthood. When his first wife died, usually in childbirth, he’d remarry someone younger and have more kids. Walk any old cemetery and you’ll see evidence of this very thing.
Women in a certain economic class, lost their value when they could no longer have children. Children were a necessity.
Those old beliefs carry over to today. How many male celebrities are having babies with women 50 years younger than they are? Men becoming fathers for the first time in their 50s, always with a younger woman. There are rare exceptions to the rule. But it doesn’t take much searching to find old man with young woman is the norm. I see men and assume they are the grandfather only to learn these toddlers are their children.
I used to tell my daughters when a young beautiful woman married a much older man, it was for one or two reasons, religion or money. I then asked them how many young beautiful women do you see with old poor men? The answer is none.
Men for some reason, have the idea having a young wife makes them look younger, but I can assure them this is not the case. The greater the age difference, the older the man looks. It’s a fact.
And these men have so little brain power they think she loves them for who they are and not for the millions of dollars they have in the bank.
So I no longer worry about getting older because it’s something I can’t prevent unless I die. And there’s beauty in experience and compassion in knowledge acquired over a lifetime. I’m happy to be my age and even look my age because it says I’ve had a good loving interesting life.
What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?
There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.
I have always identified with Anne Shirley. She isn’t like everyone else who accepts things as they are. She has many versions of herself. It’s not because she changes to fit in. I believe it’s because each new discovery changes her.
And that is what I believe my life has been like. I remember after I married, my mom would say things like, “I didn’t know you liked …..” It wasn’t a bad thing to say. It was only an observation about how I had changed.
I continue to change, even at 66. And to be honest some people find this troublesome. People like things to stay the same. It’s comfortable for them. But for me staying the same means being stagnant.
I am always making an effort to learn something new. I still work on learning a foreign language. I try new recipes, new places to eat, new experiences to have like making my own soda. The world is full of simple and spectacular lessons to learn.
Love of learning does that to a person. The more you experience and the more you learn, it’s impossible to stay the same.
We live in a society that promotes and expects perfection in body and face, especially in women. Botox, plastic surgery, laser treatments, fillers, lip fillers, GLP-1, diets, exercise etc.
But is perfection something we should strive for? If we erase wrinkles, stretch marks, if we were all the same size, lips all overfilled so we look like ducks, faces pulled, frozen faces, mommy makeovers would that be better?
A grace note is a type of musical ornamentation that is usually printed smaller than regular notes and serves as a brief embellishment before a principal note.
And imperfections are the grace notes for us. God made us each unique and original. No one should look the same. We should embrace the fact we are different. We should embrace aging and not erase our life with treatments.
I struggle with aging and sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I tried Botox post divorce. I was 53 and didn’t want to look old but I need to remember Growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. Embrace our difference and embrace aging.
**Quote from the Poldark book series book 5 the Black Moon. Ross is speaking to his wife Demelza.
My life on an unexpected path 