I haven’t been posting because as my anger and bitterness has lessened (most of the time), I find I’m not sure what to write. I’ve used writing for so long to express my darkest feelings, now that I don’t feel so dark on the inside, it seems I don’t have much to say.
That alone bothers me. Who only has negative things to say and nothing positive or upbeat? Who goes through each day neither sad nor happy? Who has flat emotions?
I’ve asked my doctor to wean off my anti-depressant because I think after being on it for four years, it has dulled my emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sad, but neither do I feel happy or joy. Even the birth of my first grandson feels flat and not as exciting or emotionally moving as I expected.
Does anyone else struggle with having no emotions?
I have wondered why God set me on this path to live in Temple, TX. While there is nothing wrong with it, I don’t feel at home here. I know my kids are leaving in two years and I’ll leave the too. There is no reason to stay. This town is not conveniently located near an airport so I could travel to see my girls, so I know it’s temporary. I was having trouble digging myself out of the sadness and then,
Enter this young man
My daughter was watching him three days a week and another woman was watching him the other two days. Turns out the other woman was completely ignoring him and making him sit on the rug! My daughter asked if I’d like to take the other lady’s place. I said Yes! Immediately A.P.L. stole my heart.
I’ve watched him now for 8 months. And a couple of months ago I realized why God had sent me to Temple. APL needed me and I needed him. I now watch him 5 days a week. He named me, Mimi and I couldn’t love him more if he was my own flesh and blood. My depression is almost 100% under control. I have a day every now and then but it’s rare I feel bad.
So thank you Lord for taking me on this path, even if in the beginning I didn’t understand. It’s a big reminder You know what you’re doing and I just need to trust.
I don’t remember when I first heard that phrase but I knew immediately it described me. And now many, many years later nothing has changed.
I’ve done my best to squeeze myself into a round hole and almost always it didn’t work. And more importantly it left me bruised and battered. Now at 57, I wonder if I’ll find a place where I fit.
I thought I had found my forever home. My ex and I lived in a Dallas suburb from 1986 to 2013 when we divorced. I had even started thinking about buying burial plots. The divorce forced me to leave. I couldn’t afford it.
Moving around as a kid, having an extremely small family I didn’t have a connection to a particular place, a place which felt like home. It broke my heart to leave Flower Mound.
My heart is seeking a place to call home, a place where I belong.
Meet the newest addition to my family. My first grandchild, Elliott Pax.
I think I’ll be taking a hiatus from blogging. I haven’t written very many posts in the past few months. I can only think of depressing thoughts and no one wants to read that crap.
I have been neglectful of my blogs. And I have also failed to give my blog a theme, a reason for people to return to read it. Hopefully all of that is about to change.
I used to take care of myself. I made certain I looked my best most days. I exercised. I watched what I ate. Unlike many women who lose their appetite post divorce, I couldn’t seem to eat enough. I stopped exercising and had a steady diet of junk food. I always took care of myself to please my ex-husband. I worried he’d leave me if I didn’t live up to his expectations. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it didn’t matter. I was looking better than I had in ten years and he left. And with it, my desire for self care walked out too.
Now 4.5 years later, I’m ready to take care of myself but finding the strength to take the first few steps seems overwhelming. 30 pounds needs to go for health reasons. I know exercise is an antidepressant and will help keep the demons away. I also know how I feel about myself is directly related to how connected each link in my circle is. Each thing needs to be connected to the other.
Link One: Me time-it’s okay to make an effort to look attractive. It says I love myself.
Link Two: Exercise makes me feel strong and when I feel strong, my confidence grows.
Link Three: When I feel healthy, I look better and feel better.
Link Four: Creative time- whether I’m writing or sewing or reading, I find it nourishes my soul. And when my soul is being fed, I feel happier.
Link Five: Don’t isolate myself. It’s been easy to do but being with people is key to me feeling better.
Now all I have to do is find the willpower to take those first few steps to begin rebuilding my links of strength.
Another horrible terroist attack took place yesterday in Manchester, UK. Innocent lives were lost because of a misguided soul who lived everyday in darkness.
And in the dark, perverse and evil forces trained his brain to stop thinking. They programmed it to do what they themselves are too cowardly to do.
And in the dark you have no hope. You can’t see the people waiting to help you. You can’t imagine a life with light because you’ve been in the darkness for so long.
We can’t let those souls stay in the darkness of evil or there will be more attacks. We must spare a kind word, a smile, hope to each person who crosses our path.
The light shines in the darkness. But the darkness hasn’t overcome the light. John 1:5
Above is a photo of the Ethan Allen hall table I purchased at a resale shop for $85. Little did I know stopping at the new resale shop around the corner would turn out not to be a random choice I made.
I clicked with the owner right away. We chatted for over 45 minutes. After I made sure the table would fit, I called back and said I wanted the table.
Yesterday I stopped again to look at a small side table. Unfortunately it has sold but we began to chat again. And before I knew it this woman and her husband were praying over me. No one has ever prayed over me in my 57 years. Standing in a circle of three, hearing ‘Lord lift her up, remind her Lord you have better days planned for her’ and many more words of love, I left the store choking back tears.
As much as I love my new ‘used’ table, I believe there was divine intervention and the table was just used to get me inside to meet these wonderful people.
My baby turned 33 today and is expecting her first baby, a boy, on June 22nd. All of us who are parents understand how difficult it is sometimes to grasp who quickly time goes.
My sweet little jewel with her thick head of black hair, in a matter of what seems like a moment, is grown-up. She is going to be a mama. Very soon she and her husband will experience that explosion of love which happens in your heart. Which is soon followed by an intense desire to protect your child from everything hurtful. And we know that not possible.
My friends tell me being a grandparent is even more fun than being a parent. I’m sure it will be. I’m ready to have my own explosion of love in my heart.