I haven’t been posting because as my anger and bitterness has lessened (most of the time), I find I’m not sure what to write. I’ve used writing for so long to express my darkest feelings, now that I don’t feel so dark on the inside, it seems I don’t have much to say.
That alone bothers me. Who only has negative things to say and nothing positive or upbeat? Who goes through each day neither sad nor happy? Who has flat emotions?
I’ve asked my doctor to wean off my anti-depressant because I think after being on it for four years, it has dulled my emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sad, but neither do I feel happy or joy. Even the birth of my first grandson feels flat and not as exciting or emotionally moving as I expected.
Does anyone else struggle with having no emotions?
New Year’s Eve reference above.
I enjoy following people on Instagram. It gives me a peek into lives all over the world. Some of Instagramers are exceptional photographers. I love following the bakers and drooling over their desserts. I follow seamstresses whose creations are so incredible it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact someone made them.
I’ve never done anything really well. I have friends who are excellent cooks, a friend who is an artist. I’ve got a friend who makes incredible things from beads. My sister is an outstanding teacher. My mother creates beautiful cards. There is the friend whose garden looks like it’s from the pages of a magazine. Or my friend who loves on a small farm while working as a dentist. My oldest daughter sings like an angel and my youngest is creative. She writes, does photography, graphic art designs and blogs. The list goes on and on.
Me? Nothing. Nada. Rien. Zilch. Zero. You get the idea. All I do well is depression which doesn’t create the life I want. My nightmares have returned which causes serious sleep disturbances.
I’d love to know what you do well? Where do you exceed average? Are you a successful business person? An artist? Unusually creative? A baker? A great cook? Gardner? Great at explaining faith in a way people can understand? A writer? Please share because I’d love know.
Why do I keep failing? Why do we share different memories? Why do we fail to understand how our words and actions hurt those we love? Why am I invisible? Never to be fully seen? Why do rub those I love the wrong way? Why do I feel so unloved and so unnecessary? Like a fly swatted away? A nuisance and nothing more? Why do the two people I love most in the world fail to understand how much I need them and their encouragement and to know they have good memories they made with me?
The darkness is coming for me again.
I am an addict. I love books and journals. Walking past a bookstore and not going in takes a tremendous amount of willpower. I’ve learned to use the library to save money but sometimes you just have to give in. I ordered #52happylists and #52listsprojects by @mooreaseal #mooreaseal because I have struggled with the idea I can be happy again.
I know it’s just a matter of refocusing but having my supportive friends living thousands of miles away has made it difficult. I’ve wandered and not been able to stay hopeful that my life will change for the better. I know if you read my blog, you understand how depressed I’ve been.
I read about the The 52 lists for Happiness on a Psychology Twitter feed and thought why not. I ordered them on #amazon and as a #amazonprime member, I paid no shipping costs. The challenge now is to stay on task and fill out each list so hope and happiness return. Thanks #sasquatchbooks for publishing them.
I am going to try an experiment. Does writing my depressive thoughts encourage my depression to stay? I’ve made an old blog visible and for the rest of October, I am going to write only positive things and see if this helps my state of mind.
So I am asking my LifeRewritten followers to follow me at A Fresh New Life and find out if I get an answer when my experiment is finished.
In a place I don’t belong
In a life I don’t want
In an endless circle
There is no way out
An impediment to moving forward. Why do I feel it’s not possible to be happy and relaxed? Is it because I believe I don’t deserve to be happy? Am I not worthy of happiness? Is it I don’t know what happiness is so I don’t recognize it? I know I’ve felt and experienced happiness before but now, for the past several years beginning in 2009, my ability to be happy has eluded me.
I see other people. I can feel their joy. I can sense their satisfaction with life. They are relaxed and have fun. I feel wound up so tightly that it’s impossible to move for fear I’ll break or snap.
Is there a secret? A secret to letting go of the worry, always worried what people think of me? A secret to just enjoy the moment? I know I’ve missed so much since 2009. Time we can never reclaim. I don’t want to waste anymore moments which could possible hold joy and happiness.
That’s me, the square peg who has tried for more than 50 years to fit in a round hole. I’ve never been able to make it work. And now living in a place forced upon me by financial poverty, I find it’s even more difficult to fit in.
I don’t think it’s impossible for me to have whittled and carved myself so I would fit into a round hole but in order to do that, I would have needed an idea of what I was supposed to be. As I’ve said before I never really dreamed of being anything except a wife, mother, mother-in-law and eventually grandmother.
It’s as though I’m lost in a great wide ocean just drifting about with no place to drop anchor. I can’t drift forever but I belong nowhere. There is no place for me to fit in or call home anymore.
Have you ever caught a glimpse of a reflection in a mirror and wonder who it was only to realize you were looking at yourself? That happened to me today. I didn’t like what I saw. How had I completely stopped taking care of myself? There was no evidence of joy. I looked unhealthy and sad. I have allowed almost four years of my life to be wasted. Wasted in depression and sorrow over a toxic relationship.
I think it’s taken all of this time to shake free of the torment and hold my ex had over me. He had trained me never to trust my own decisions and choices. He convinced me no one would ever want me and I’d never get a job. And guess what? I let those lies determine how I spent my time, but no more.
Depression is an ongoing battle which I don’t think is ever cured. It’s more like a disease in remission or an ugly monster which is locked away but manages to rear its ugly head every now and then. So I do anticipate having to continue this battle but I know I will ultimately win the war and find joy and contentment.
Webster’s definition (directly copied from Webster’s dictionary).
Simple Definition of cheat : to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something
: to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule
: to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get
Hear the word cheat and some very vivid images come to mind; an unfaithful spouse, a scam artist, a dieter eating a candy bar, a student who didn’t study but many of us would say we don’t cheat. We might even say we’ve never cheated but upon closer introspection I think most of us would find we cheat everyday.
Whether it’s driving a little over the speed limit, forgetting to signal when we turn, saying we did something like take out the garbage when we actually haven’t done it yet. Or what about cheating our children of precious connection? That’s one of my biggest gripes. It never fails, I always see parents talking on their phones or playing with a tablet and completely ignoring their children. When we give our focus to unimportant things we are denying our children of what they deserve, an engaged and interactive parent. See definition #3-prevent someone from having something he/she deserves. We cheat.
Human beings crave connection. We aren’t meant to live without emotional connection to other human beings. Close personal relationships help protect against depression. But close, meaningful connections don’t happen without time and effort. We spend the most time on the things, people, experiences we value. Like the bible says, “where your treasure is (what in your life you deem important-it doesn’t have to be money) so will your heart be.
If tomorrow you had to make a list in order of where you spend your time and place your focus what would it look like? I’m not advocating quitting a job. But don’t cheat yourself and those you love out of a deep connection by being distracted and focused on the temporary things life has to offer.