My heart and head are not in alignment. My head says forgive myself. My heart says no I don’t deserve it. I play over and over in my head all of the mistakes I’ve made as a mother, a wife, a daughter and friend and find it impossible to forgive myself.
I’m not exactly sure why because I forgive easily others. Sometimes it might take awhile but I eventually do. I still cry when I remember some of the things I’ve said. I know God forgives me, I just need the key to forgiving myself.
New Year’s Eve reference above.
I enjoy following people on Instagram. It gives me a peek into lives all over the world. Some of Instagramers are exceptional photographers. I love following the bakers and drooling over their desserts. I follow seamstresses whose creations are so incredible it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact someone made them.
I’ve never done anything really well. I have friends who are excellent cooks, a friend who is an artist. I’ve got a friend who makes incredible things from beads. My sister is an outstanding teacher. My mother creates beautiful cards. There is the friend whose garden looks like it’s from the pages of a magazine. Or my friend who loves on a small farm while working as a dentist. My oldest daughter sings like an angel and my youngest is creative. She writes, does photography, graphic art designs and blogs. The list goes on and on.
Me? Nothing. Nada. Rien. Zilch. Zero. You get the idea. All I do well is depression which doesn’t create the life I want. My nightmares have returned which causes serious sleep disturbances.
I’d love to know what you do well? Where do you exceed average? Are you a successful business person? An artist? Unusually creative? A baker? A great cook? Gardner? Great at explaining faith in a way people can understand? A writer? Please share because I’d love know.
I’m reading an inspirational book with the story of Joseph as the basis. Interspersed throughout the book are stories of ordinary people. The author knows these people first hand and have watched them suffer unspeakable trauma and sorrow. Yet all of them come through the fire with a stronger faith.
What about those of us who aren’t strong? Who don’t have the emotional strength to carry on? Who try through prayer and worship to gain strength and faith and still are weak? Who still are hopeless?
Why do I keep failing? Why do we share different memories? Why do we fail to understand how our words and actions hurt those we love? Why am I invisible? Never to be fully seen? Why do rub those I love the wrong way? Why do I feel so unloved and so unnecessary? Like a fly swatted away? A nuisance and nothing more? Why do the two people I love most in the world fail to understand how much I need them and their encouragement and to know they have good memories they made with me?
The darkness is coming for me again.
Ugh. Why does this always have to raise its ugly head? Especially in the work place? Clearly I am naive and believe my co-workers are honest and straight forward. However once again, I am proven wrong.
While the matter which upsets me is not important, it is a reminder I need to be aware not everyone is on a level playing field. Some are given special consideration because either they are related or the owner or manager has a sweet spot for them.
Office politics is not something I like and I do my best to stay out of them. It is still bothersome though and try as I might, I still get frustrated and my feelings get hurt.
I am almost finished with a book I am writing. My hope is that I can self-publish it and supplement my income, continue writing until I can support myself solely from writing.
I think this young blogger has set some high but very obtainable goals. I haven’t set any goals for myself in several years. Disappointment always seemed to follow me around but God is slowly changing my life perspective. So, tomorrow I will take the time to make my own list of 2017 life goals. Follow the link to read:
Finding the Good in Goodbye
Reviews of Films from the Golden Age of Hollywood
A lifestyle blog for Women In Midlife
A Sewing Blog for Everyone
read what you love
Writing New Chapters when Life takes a Detour
Enriching my life with books
The Art and Craft of Blogging
My life on an unexpected path 