Posted in choices, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, fear, God, life, marriage, memories, mistakes

When you’re always wrong

Posted on by Dede

What do you do when you are always wrong?

My daughters never have anything good to say to me. Apparently when the six of us are all together, it doesn’t work so I am not invited to Thanksgiving.

I was told it’s not just me but when I asked who need to be excluded so it worked, it got quiet. I said not your sister, or her kids and definitely not her husband. That only left me. If I was always excluded, then it would work.

I’m tired. I’ve been in and out of therapy since 1987. I learned as a child everything was my fault. I learned in marriage everything was my fault. I have learned from my daughters everything is my fault. No matter what I say or do, it’s the wrong words or the wrong tone or just wrong all around.

My heart was crushed when I divorced. I’ve slowly tried to put it back together but it has been pulverized now. There is no hope of putting it back together.

Years of prayer haven’t changed a thing. I prayed for 30 years for my marriage to be healed. I have prayed since 1984 to be the best mother I could be. I have prayed to be the best mother in law since 2007. I’ve prayed to be the best grandmother, friend, employee.

Apparently I don’t know how to pray. And clearly there is something wrong with me.

My sister never calls me. My mother always gets mad at me when we talk. Neither of my daughters make an effort to stay in contact. My daughter with kids doesn’t encourage the kids to stay in contact.

God knows my greatest fear in life has always been abandonment and being alone. From the first time at a young age I was threatened with being abandoned, I’ve never been able to get over that fear.

I guess I no longer need to fear it because it is now my reality.

Posted in life

Many times over

Posted on by Dede

What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?

I’ve been lucky enough to have many people who have done kind things for me, but two things stand out in my memory.

In 2006 my youngest daughter graduated from high school. We had a big party and family from both sides came to town for her. My former father-in-law was not a nice man. He was critical and could be cruel. He was at my home and refused to even acknowledge my presence. Not even a simple hello was uttered from his lips.

I had had enough and asked my husband (now ex) to speak to his father. I should have known better because my ex was drunk and it ended up being a fiasco. When my former father-in-law literally stepped over me to say goodbye to my family and ignored me, I had to leave.

I went straight to Anne’s house two doors down. The second the doors opened I broke down in tears. She hugged me and let me cry my eyes out. Two hours later no one had come to look for me. I wouldn’t have survived without her kindness.

My high school bestie and I were both born in 1959 at opposite ends of the year. 2019 was a big year because we turned 60. She asked me to accompany her to France to celebrate. Sadly I couldn’t afford to go but she surprised me and told me she was covering all expenses.

We were able to celebrate our very long friendship in the city of lights and I’ll never forget how special I felt that someone would do this for me.

Posted in life

The same thing

Posted on by Dede

If the salary was the same, what job would you be doing right now and why?

I love my job. The hours are long and everyday I have a different challenges but everyday begins with hugs and smiles. And I end my day the same way it began with hugs and kisses.

I am a full time nanny for a family with 3 children. I’ve been with them for 10 years this October. The kids are 11,almost 9 and 5.5. There are two boys and one girl.

Posted in life

Three Pines or St. Denis

Posted on by Dede

Which fictional world would be the most fun to vacation/live in?

Without a doubt either Three Pines or St. Denis.

Three Pines is a fictional village located in Québec and borders the U.S. it is home to a close knit community comprised of:

  • Clara Morrow- Artist and resident of Three Pines
  • Peter Morrow- Married to Clara. An artist who lives in Three Pines
  • Ruth Zardo- Poet Living in Three Pines with her pet duck
  • Myrna Landers- Former psychologist who runs the bookstore in Three Pines
  • Gabri Dubeau – Owner of the bistro and B&B
  • Olivier Brulé – Co-owner of the bistro and B&B, and Gabri’s partner

  • Armand Gamache- Chief Inspector of the Sûreté du Québec

  • Reine-Marie Gamache -Armand’s Wife

The café is a local gathering place with a large fireplace, delicious food and a hot bed of gossip. Everyone looks after each other in this village named for the three large pines in the community’s green space. Why three pines? It’s is said loyalists during the American Revolution could find sanctuary in these Canadian towns.

The second but equally desirable place is the fictional town of St. Denis, Dordogne, France. You’ll find a close knit community who care for each other. Bruno is an excellent cook, has a love of Bassett hounds and seems to always getting involved in unsolved crimes.

Benoît “Bruno” Courrèges is the sole municipal police chief of St. Denis and a former soldier who served in Bosnia. He prefers community-based policing over strict law enforcement, often protecting locals from distant European Union bureaucracies. Deeply embedded in the culture of Périgord, he acts as a youth sports coach, makes his own walnut wine, and functions as the guardian of the town’s traditions. His peaceful routine is disrupted when he must assist national authorities in a sensitive local murder case.

Key Relationships

Employee of Gérard Mangin

Colleague of Isabelle Perrault also her love

Rival Colleague of Captain Duroc

Protector of Karim al-Bakr

Friend of Momu al-Bakr

Colleague of Jean-Jacques “J-J” Jalipeau

Tennis Partner of The Baron

Sometimes lover of Pamela an English divorcée

As the books progress more characters are introduced and Bruno builds a deeply committed relationship with these people from various backgrounds.

Again you’ll find regular dinners hosted by this community of friends. Many times with Bruno doing the cooking. He has a large garden of herbs, tomatoes, vegetables. He truffle hunts with his basset hound.

I’d be happy to live in either of these two places.

Thanks to book companion and super summary for character lists.

Supporting Characters

•

  • Fat Jeanne: Known for her unique appearance, adds local color to the narrative.
  • Madame Verniet: An elderly farmer’s widow, representing the older generation of St. Denis.
  • Jo-Jo: A photographer who captures the essence of village life.
  • Diem: A Vietnamese acquaintance of Bruno, showcasing the multicultural aspect of the community.

Many more characters are introduced

Posted in life

Have to Rant

Posted on by Dede

When you have bottled up anger due to injustice and must engage with people who have no idea of how to engage in rational conversation, you just have to rant.

Science has determined that many miscarriages are caused by faulty sperm. Sperm that have defects or are unhealthy due to a man’s chosen lifestyle.

Laws now prohibit lifesaving measures to women experiencing miscarriage which according to new science isn’t probably her fault. When I suggested men who produce unwanted pregnancies, produce children they refuse to support, abuse their children or have a partner who continually miscarries due to faulty sperm be require to get a vasectomy, the response was along the lines of how dare men’s reproductive rights be hindered.

https://www.texastribune.org/2024/11/27/texas-abortion-death-porsha-ngumezi/

When at the same time supporting regulated control of women’s reproductive rights. It makes me so angry. Men have ruled since time began and women are still seen as second class citizens to be controlled. With this administration, the persecution has gotten worse.

I live in a state where women are being denied healthcare and dying because termination of a pregnancy is illegal. It doesn’t take a deep search to find multiple cases of this.

I doubt I’ll see any change in my lifetime and I feel sorry for my daughters, nieces, granddaughters, and all the future women who have to deal with this injustice.

Posted in life

Told my Girls

Posted on by Dede

What’s the weirdest coincidence you’ve ever experienced?

When my daughters were learning to drive I reminded them that we lived in a relatively small community and that I knew a lot of people. So to make sure they were always driving their best because there’s a good chance someone I know will see them rolling through a stop sign or speeding through a stoplight or talking on their cell phone, etc..

My girls just nodded their head and rolled their eyes and thought yeah right mom.

Then over the course of about three or four months, we ran into their dentist at Disney World, their dad’s cousin had a huge flea market in East Texas, a pilot and his wife with their kids in New York City and my next-door neighbor reported he saw my oldest roll through a stop sign.

After that series of coincidences, my girls believed me when I said, I knew someone everywhere.

Posted in life

Sojourner

Posted on by Dede

If you could go back and witness any historical event, which one would you pick?

If I could go back in history and witness one event, I would choose Sojourner Truth‘s speech where she says “Ain’t I a woman.”

She was a slave. She spoke Dutch and English. Her children were stolen from her. She was beaten. Isabella Baumfree given to her by her original owners.

She sued to get her son back. She walked all over preaching. Sojourner supported abolitionists. Of course she was hated by many and loved by many.

I’d want to ask her how she had such deep faith after such a horrendously difficult life, full of pain and sorrow.

https://www.notablebiographies.com/St-Tr/Truth-Sojourner.html#google_vignette

Posted in life

Serendipity

Posted on by Dede

How did you meet your significant other?

Many years ago I was a runner up in a Fort Worth Star Telegram contest about the serendipitous meeting of my spouse. He’s my ex-spouse now.

Summer of 1981, my dad rented a small single engine airplane and flew my mom and him back to Iowa. It was my dad’s 25th high school reunion. (For reference my 50th reunion is next year.)

They hired a young pilot to fly them to their final destination and paid for him to return home. My dad was the friendliest man alive. He invited this pilot out to Las Vegas (our home) and said he’d set him up with his daughter.

After the stop in Iowa they were headed for a meeting in Minneapolis/St.Paul. However my dad’s pilot license only allowed him to fly if he could see the ground. The day they left SE Iowa and flew north it because cloudy and they were forced to land in Waterloo, IA.

Six months later this pilot showed up and my dad paid for him to take me out. Yes pathetic but Daddy was very generous.

On New Year’s Day the pilot returned from California and asked me out again. This second meeting we really clicked. Three months later we were engaged and married by August.

I always thought about if it had been a sunny day we would have never met.

Our marriage lasted 30 years before he moved onto someone younger, but he gave me the greatest gift. I have two beautiful, loving, generous and Christ loving daughters and he is their dad.

Posted in life

Tattoo

Posted on by Dede

If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be and why?

I already have one tattoo. It says La Vie est belle. It’s French for Life is beautiful. I’d get one that said, Savourez la vie and pray it is a correct translation of Savor life.

Posted in life

Always watched

Posted on by Dede

I happen to glance over at the window and this is what I saw. Rémy sitting on the window sill but rather than watching the birds outside, she had her eye on me.

She is a sweet cat, big, black and fluffy. Her sister is small, is black and white and is always darting from room to room, scaring me.

They couldn’t be more different but they make life interesting.

Posted in life

Message to Past Self

Posted on by Dede

If you had a time machine and could send just one message to your past self, what would it say?

Do not rush through life trying to reach all the milestones. Savor being single, travel, move to France, wait to marry and have kids. Explore opportunities, write that book.

Just do not rush for fear those milestones will never happen.

Posted in life

Major control

Posted on by Dede

How do you deal with uncertainty?

For most of my life I was a control freak. The more I controlled, the more anxiety I had but was convinced if I had control the anxiety would be relieved.

Ask my daughters and they will confirm I did my best to control everyone and everything around me. It’s genetic. My grandmother controlled my mother. My mother did her best to control me but wasn’t always successful.

I didn’t control my girls as much, but I definitely exercised control when I could.

Then one day I realized that control was a mirage. I never had had control. When my world came crashing down, it was a tough lesson.

Now I understand control is a mirage. The only constant is the Lord. And He is always full of surprises.

So mostly now I don’t even think about uncertainty. As long as I live, what happens in life will be uncertain. And I can trust it’ll all work out.

Posted in life

No idea

Posted on by Dede

How to make friends when you’re over 65

I find myself in a weird spot. I moved to my current location because my Daughter and Son-in-law were here, but when he finished his medical residency, they moved to Northeastern Pennsylvania my younger daughter lives in Sunny Southern California. I cannot afford to live in either one of those places.

My friends from before being divorced have not stayed in contact even though I’ve tried. A couple do stay in contact, but they are very rich and travel and have second homes. They’re always going on trips and I can’t afford to do that plus they are married or they’re single with money.

I am divorced. I work full-time as a Nanny. I’m not a widow. I’m not retired. I’m obviously not married and sadly I find that most women in my age bracket are either married, retired, or widowed. I’m not free to do things during the day and as often as I hear, I love friends in all age brackets, I’ve yet to have one Mother younger than I am, invite me for coffee.

I try to understand because they see me as their mother and not as a potential friend.

I’ve searched online for social groups, but at my age they seem to all meet during the day and I’m not available. I do go to church but again I find no women in my current life stage.

The town I live in is not super small, but it’s not a metropolitan area. There are no museums. There are no concerts for well-known acts. The local community college needs all sorts of paperwork that I no longer have, to be admitted to take a class. I drive to the largest metropolitan area sometimes on the weekend to take cooking classes, but everybody in the class lives in that area and I’m over an hour away. I do go to a library book club but it’s super small and everyone is busy.

This town does not feel like home because Home is where your heart is and my heart is in Pennsylvania and California. I pray diligently and faithfully that God will lead me in the direction I need to go. I just haven’t heard God speak to me in so many years.

Is anyone else out there in my situation?

Posted in life

Impossible to answer

Posted on by Dede

How can I answer this question? I could say foie gras or a strawberry tarte in France. But then I remember the pizza and limoncello in Italy and think this is the best. I remember fresh salmon and lefse in Norway and rethink my choices. A yummy hamburger with all the toppings and fries in the U.S. or the homemade ice cream I made just a week ago and I’m positive this is it. I remember the stuffed grape leaves in Greece with the spanakopita and wish I was there.

There are the tropic beverages of the Caribbean, the juicy steak in Canada, the apple strudel of Austria, and I just get more and more confused.

Food, like scents, can be the greatest invoker of memory. So I’m going to say all of it is my favorite.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, daily prompt, divorce, Experience, life

Growing older

Posted on by Dede

What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?

I used to worry about getting old, more precisely looking old. This concern became more intense post divorce. Would anyone ever love an older woman?

Our society pressures females to stay young. All you have to do is pick up a lady’s magazine and you’ll find articles and a massive number of ads for anti-aging products. Turn the page and it’s a recipe for a decadent chocolate cake or delicious high calorie meal.

You might find an article about embracing your age or letting go of worries about aging. It’s nothing but mixed messages.

Throughout time women typically married older men who had money. Why? Women couldn’t be employed unless they were of the lower economic stratus. So if you came from a family with money, but the money went to a brother you were left penniless. And if you were of the lower economic class, you had to work at the “big house” the idea of a spouse and children were off limits. Or you worked 7 days a week 12-14 hours a day in a factory. If you did have a child out of wedlock, you were forced out of any job you had.

Men wanted younger wives to have babies. Childbirth was a dangerous venture and it still is. A man needed lots of children because the odds said the majority wouldn’t reach adulthood. When his first wife died, usually in childbirth, he’d remarry someone younger and have more kids. Walk any old cemetery and you’ll see evidence of this very thing.

Women in a certain economic class, lost their value when they could no longer have children. Children were a necessity.

Those old beliefs carry over to today. How many male celebrities are having babies with women 50 years younger than they are? Men becoming fathers for the first time in their 50s, always with a younger woman. There are rare exceptions to the rule. But it doesn’t take much searching to find old man with young woman is the norm. I see men and assume they are the grandfather only to learn these toddlers are their children.

I used to tell my daughters when a young beautiful woman married a much older man, it was for one or two reasons, religion or money. I then asked them how many young beautiful women do you see with old poor men? The answer is none.

Men for some reason, have the idea having a young wife makes them look younger, but I can assure them this is not the case. The greater the age difference, the older the man looks. It’s a fact.

And these men have so little brain power they think she loves them for who they are and not for the millions of dollars they have in the bank.

So I no longer worry about getting older because it’s something I can’t prevent unless I die. And there’s beauty in experience and compassion in knowledge acquired over a lifetime. I’m happy to be my age and even look my age because it says I’ve had a good loving interesting life.

Posted in Blogging, book, characters, daily prompt, Dreaming, Experience, Fun, Learning, life

So Many Different Me

Posted on by Dede

What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?

There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables (Anne of Green Gables, #1)

I have always identified with Anne Shirley. She isn’t like everyone else who accepts things as they are. She has many versions of herself. It’s not because she changes to fit in. I believe it’s because each new discovery changes her.

And that is what I believe my life has been like. I remember after I married, my mom would say things like, “I didn’t know you liked …..” It wasn’t a bad thing to say. It was only an observation about how I had changed.

I continue to change, even at 66. And to be honest some people find this troublesome. People like things to stay the same. It’s comfortable for them. But for me staying the same means being stagnant.

I am always making an effort to learn something new. I still work on learning a foreign language. I try new recipes, new places to eat, new experiences to have like making my own soda. The world is full of simple and spectacular lessons to learn.

Love of learning does that to a person. The more you experience and the more you learn, it’s impossible to stay the same.

Posted in life

Wish for all

Posted on by Dede

What is your favorite quote?

“Blemishes on the beauty of a person one loves are like grace notes adding something to a piece of music.”

— Winston Graham

We live in a society that promotes and expects perfection in body and face, especially in women. Botox, plastic surgery, laser treatments, fillers, lip fillers, GLP-1, diets, exercise etc.

But is perfection something we should strive for? If we erase wrinkles, stretch marks, if we were all the same size, lips all overfilled so we look like ducks, faces pulled, frozen faces, mommy makeovers would that be better?

A grace note is a type of musical ornamentation that is usually printed smaller than regular notes and serves as a brief embellishment before a principal note.

And imperfections are the grace notes for us. God made us each unique and original. No one should look the same. We should embrace the fact we are different. We should embrace aging and not erase our life with treatments.

I struggle with aging and sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I tried Botox post divorce. I was 53 and didn’t want to look old but I need to remember Growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. Embrace our difference and embrace aging.

**Quote from the Poldark book series book 5 the Black Moon. Ross is speaking to his wife Demelza.

Posted in life

Simple sewing

Posted on by Dede

What’s a skill you consider basic, that most people don’t actually know how to do?

Hemming pants, dress, skirt

Sewing on a button

So simple but most people don’t have a clue nor do they want to learn

Posted in life

Demelza Carne Poldark

Posted on by Dede

If you could have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be?

I would have dinner with Demelza Carne Poldark. She is my favorite character from all the books I have read and I am an avid reader.

She is beautiful but most importantly she is strong, stands up for herself, is eager to learn, compassionate, kind and forgiving.

When she holds no ill will against Francis, Ross’s cousin, for destroying their business and making them practically destitute, and goes to their home to care for them when everyone in town is ill with the putrid throat, that is forgiveness at its best.

Demelza gets ill, almost dies and her daughter does dies but again she holds no resentment. I find that is miraculous.

I love her.

Posted in life

Born with Desire

Posted on by Dede

What’s a movie or book that inspired you to travel?

I don’t remember ever having a moment in my life that I didn’t have a desire to travel. As I’ve said before I took one of those 13 countries and six week bus trips when I was in college.

I have read books that have inspired me to travel to certain places. I read a series of books about a Norwegian family that settled in the Dakotas back in the 1800s and wanted to go to Norway. Bruno chief of police series by Martin Walker inspired me to go to the Perigord region of France.

I read the Outlander books and that inspired me to go to Scotland.

I personally just love to travel, and I love to travel to places that are rich in history.