What exactly are single men over 50 looking for in a woman? I tried online dating and found it to be disheartening. Maybe I’m crazy and shouldn’t expect intelligent, attractive, successful men to contact me. I mean I am no longer the super slim twenty something and I have a few wrinkles around my eyes. If I believe what I read and see in the media it’s time I accept finding love when I’m just 2.5 years away from 60 is hopeless.
I lack serious human connection. Making friends at this stage of life has proven to be impossible. The places I made friends before my divorce are no longer open to me here in this place. Close connections are key to happiness and living a long life. I don’t want a short life. I want 50 more years.
Is this a nightmare? Where did my life go? The life I worked for? The life with health insurance and a home and friends? The life where I had planted roots in my community and church?
Sometimes I still go to sleep and think when I wake up in the morning this will all be over and my pre-divorced life will be back. Of course it never happens and if you ask my daughters they would tell you it’s for the best. And they are probably right. It still shocks me to my core that a father, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can walk away from two incredible women. It’s as though they have wiped the girls from their memory. I was certain my ex-mother-in-law would allow love to triumph over hate but no. She too has chosen to close her heart off to her granddaughters and soon to be great grandson.
It hurts. I won’t deny it. And maybe it would hurt less if I had financial stability, health insurance, a home and friends but I don’t. Every time I think I’m making headway, I’m shoved back down. A $3000 medical bill, money owed to the IRS, a raise in my rent, being a fish out of water, it just keeps coming.
I just don’t belong here. It’s like I’m in a foreign country and don’t speak the language. I’ll never get used to it. I joke that it’s highly unlikely King Charming (I’m too old for Prince Charming) will be coming to this town any time soon. And even if he did, he’d want a woman 20 years younger than he is.
All I can do is countdown the days. June 1,2019 is the target date for leaving. Right now it seems like an eternity but as I know so well, the days go by slowly, but the years fly by.
Ever since I was in elementary school, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. I wrote a story about secret doors, a story about an American girl raised in France who has to return to the US during high school, and more. I’ve journaled when I felt bad and when I felt great. Always in the back of my mind, I dreamed of being a writer.
I think seeing my account nearly empty of funds and not making enough to support myself, spurred me on with a either now or never attitude.
I’ve learned through my daughter Books for the living and her book blog a new vocabulary. And this includes the term beta reader. These are people who volunteerily read your first draft. They critique the story, point out holes in the plot, timeline issues etc. My daughter sent my book off to a beta reader and I was completely blown away by her comments. It was a very good review with only a few plot line and timeline issues. Once I’m finished making the changes, I’ll hire an editor to take it to the next step.
And hopefully in the not too distant future, you’ll be able to find Unpacking Dreams at Amazon as an ebook.
Most of us are familiar with the phrase “wrong side of the tracks”. It’s a reference to how railroad tracks separated the “nice” side of town with the “undesirable” side of town. The difference was typically financial.
I’ve been lucky. For most of my life I’ve have been able to live in comfort, in a safe area, with plenty of room in my house. I felt blessed and loved opening my home to friends and family. Money was never an issue. Of course early in my marriage, we struggled but over time financial struggles grew less.
Now I am living on the other side of the tracks. I have no health insurance. Today my new glasses, due to my difficult prescription, cost $805. That included the exam. No idea how I’ll pay for them, but they are needed. I am having some health problems which require expensive medical tests. I can’t afford them because in Texas I must make less than approximately $12,000 to qualify for Medicaid.
I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. I feel scared. I feel trapped. This must be the same feeling millions of people live with every day. They are poor but not poor enough. It truly is a stressful way to live.
Take the time and go see the other side of the track. Talk to someone. Help someone. Maybe even someone you know is in the same situation I’m in and are too embarassed to ask for help. Reach out.
I wish it wasn’t so. I’m on a long and lonely road. This a detour I didn’t expect or plan. And how I’ve prayed I would get back on the main road but for whatever God has kept me in this winding side road.
So far I don’t understand why. Not even a little peek into what I am supposed to be learning. Loneliness can be deadly. It becomes an actual physical pain which you carry around. I can feel my heart constrict.
Look around at your own world. Someone is in need of a friend. You may think you’re too busy and don’t have time for another friend. You may think you don’t know anyone who is lonely but I can guarantee you, there is at least one person you know who is lonely. You may be afraid of rejection but the simple act of reaching out can save a life.
So invite someone to lunch. Ask your single neighbor to join your family for dinner. Start a conversation. Connect. Connect. Connect.
My heart and head are not in alignment. My head says forgive myself. My heart says no I don’t deserve it. I play over and over in my head all of the mistakes I’ve made as a mother, a wife, a daughter and friend and find it impossible to forgive myself.
I’m not exactly sure why because I forgive easily others. Sometimes it might take awhile but I eventually do. I still cry when I remember some of the things I’ve said. I know God forgives me, I just need the key to forgiving myself.
New Year’s Eve reference above.
I enjoy following people on Instagram. It gives me a peek into lives all over the world. Some of Instagramers are exceptional photographers. I love following the bakers and drooling over their desserts. I follow seamstresses whose creations are so incredible it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact someone made them.
I’ve never done anything really well. I have friends who are excellent cooks, a friend who is an artist. I’ve got a friend who makes incredible things from beads. My sister is an outstanding teacher. My mother creates beautiful cards. There is the friend whose garden looks like it’s from the pages of a magazine. Or my friend who loves on a small farm while working as a dentist. My oldest daughter sings like an angel and my youngest is creative. She writes, does photography, graphic art designs and blogs. The list goes on and on.
Me? Nothing. Nada. Rien. Zilch. Zero. You get the idea. All I do well is depression which doesn’t create the life I want. My nightmares have returned which causes serious sleep disturbances.
I’d love to know what you do well? Where do you exceed average? Are you a successful business person? An artist? Unusually creative? A baker? A great cook? Gardner? Great at explaining faith in a way people can understand? A writer? Please share because I’d love know.
I’m reading an inspirational book with the story of Joseph as the basis. Interspersed throughout the book are stories of ordinary people. The author knows these people first hand and have watched them suffer unspeakable trauma and sorrow. Yet all of them come through the fire with a stronger faith.
What about those of us who aren’t strong? Who don’t have the emotional strength to carry on? Who try through prayer and worship to gain strength and faith and still are weak? Who still are hopeless?