Posted in life

Loss and Moving on

There are all types of loss. Some, like the loss of child, stay with you forever. You may get through it but your never get over it. And knowing people who have been through that nightmare, I’m embarrassed to talk about my loss. Which by comparison is small, unimportant. But I’ve learned in counseling that comparing does no one any good. Now we all know how important it is not to compare our lives with others, but I think most of us think of it terms of good things. As in their life is going better than mine, their house is bigger, she is prettier etc. But we can deny ourselves the opportunity to work through our own loss, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others.

That was me. My friend had lost her daughter in a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. I had been through a heart breaking and life altering divorce. I told myself my loss was unimportant and I should be thankful for my life.

The thing is I beat myself up every time I felt depressed because of my situation because I told myself I didn’t have the right to be sad and heartbroken. I mean no one died. I spent the next few years buried in a deep depression which came close to costing me my own life. God must have been with me that fateful day because I am still here.

I still feel my loss everyday. Not all day, but a day doesn’t go by that I don’t feel twinge of what if. Most days it lasts for a split second but every now and then it’ll come and stay with me for the entire day. I do my best.

The one loss I haven’t been able to work through is my loss of interest in life in general. I used to have so many things I was interested in. I liked to sew, read, write, learn French, entertain, take photos and learn new things. Now I come home after work and sit on my sofa until bedtime. Then I repeat it the next day. On the weekend, I do the same but I manage church and a quick stop for a few groceries.

I’m worried if I can’t shake this apathy, my severe depression will return. Is there a prayer because I’ve been praying for years and little has changed.

Posted in divorce, Dreaming, family, life, seasons

One year to 60

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When I wake up tomorrow, I will be 59. I can’t believe I’ve arrived here so quickly. One day I went to bed 35 years old and now I am staring down 60. I am grateful for another birthday because growing old isn’t a privilege everyone gets.

It would be nice if the days and years would slow down. I’d like the time to dream again and figure out what I want in my future. In less than a year I’ll have one daughter on the West Coast and one daughter with her family living back East. Due to financial reasons I will be staying behind in central Texas. I pray I’ll be able to afford to take the time off to see those I love so much. My heart breaks at the thought of living here alone.

It is impossible to know how much devastation divorce can cause until it happens to you. It is time to start finding my way again so when 60 does arrive, I’m ready.

 

Posted in life

Blue Haired Ladies

Depending on how old you are, you might remember the ladies with blue hair. Typically they were older, had gray or silver hair and they used a hair rinse which was intended to enhance their hair color.

But it always seemed to turn their hair a light shade of blue. Sometimes the light had to be just right to see the blue, but it was there.

Now that I’ve decided to go to my natural color (silver, gray and white), I wanted to get a jump on the blue hair. I’ve had gray hair since my twenties, white hair beginning in my forties. Now in my late fifties, I’m gonna give the natural look a try.

So power to the blue haired ladies. I’m coming to join you.

Posted in life, Mail

Addiction to Amazon???

Can a person be addicted to Amazon deliveries because I think I am. It’s so easy to sit and peruse Amazon while the boys are napping. And before I know it, I’ve made a purchase. Usually it’s nothing expensive. Almost always it’s a book.

But I have noticed when the delivery man makes a delivery, I’m a little let down when it’s not for me. I’m working on breaking this habit of the thrill I get when the package arrives.

Does anyone else have this problem or am I a lone wolf?

PS I don’t randomly order from other sites, nor do I go shopping much. It’s just Amazon.

Posted in life

It’s Official

It’s official. My daughter and her family will be moving to Pennsylvania. They’ve never lived anywhere but Texas. This was a job opportunity her husband couldn’t pass up.

The dilemma for me is I want to go with them. However I have to work, I am almost out of money from my divorce. I’ve applied for every type of job imaginable. And I’ve had fewer than 5 interviews and no job offers. So I am not hopeful it’ll be any different in PA than it has been in TX.

I’d consider moving to be near by other daughter but she’s in LA and doesn’t plan on staying there. She’s job searching right now.

The move is 15 months away. It feels as one of my worst nightmares is coming true. I’ll be alone, no friends, no family, struggling to get by.

I don’t want to live with them. Not a good idea for us. I’m doing my best to pray and trust God. Never in a million years did I think I’d find myself in this position. Please pray for me and a solution to my dilemma.

Posted in life, movie, values

Post Apocalyptic Clothing

The newest trend in clothing is called the post apocalyptic look. Clothing has been basically destroyed to give the impression you’ve survived a horrific war or live in a dystopian society. Call me old fashioned but I think this idea is disrespectful to the millions of people around the world who live in poverty and to those who live daily with war or in the aftermath of war.

There are no options for these people. They live in tattered clothing because they truly are living the nightmare so many teens read about or watch on the movie screen and romanticize. I’m sure millions would love to have one clean new T-shirt, one clean new pair of jeans and a decent pair of shoes.

You don’t have to even travel to a foreign country to see the effects of poverty and war. Struggling Americans and war refugees are right here. Why the fashion industry has decided to make money using tragic situations such as poverty and war, is beyond me.

Take a stand. Don’t buy torn, frayed clothing or clothing with holes in it. Respect those who have no choices.

Posted in depression, divorce, life

Triggers

When a person is in a battle with depression, most will find they have triggers. Post divorce, my depression was so serious, I spent weeks and months as a recluse. It has been a lot of hard work climbing out of that dark pit, but I see light now and don’t want to wander into the darkness again.

Working with a therapist was the best decision I made but it took going through several before I found the right one for me. He helped me learn to recognize my triggers. This has enabled me to be ready for what I used to think was depression from out of the blue.

For me:

Trigger #1: A change in seasons. It’s a reminder of the things my ex and I used to do at specific times of the year. Like now spring is coming and I’m feeling the tug to buy lots of flowers for the yard. Only trouble is I don’t really have any place to plant anything.

Trigger #2: Certain music. Typically if the words remind me my ex put no effort into saving our marriage, I’ll feel down for a day or two.

Whatever it takes by Lifehouse

Trigger #3: Certain scents. I’ve read that scent is the strongest evoker of memories. It never fails when I smell burning leaves I break down. Why? That is a scent I associate with the early days of my marriage.

Of course there are a few more triggers, but before I allow my emotions to take control of me, I have some quiet time and reflect. Asking myself questions to determine why I feel myself falling backwards.

It takes time. And I’ve learned growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. I don’t want to waste anymore days in the darkness.

Posted in life

Real Smiles

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Somewhere I read the way to tell the difference between a real smile and a fake smile is that a real smile goes all the way to the eyes. And that’s how I made a major discovery. Getting my picture taken has never been something I liked doing. Why? Like so many people, the photos were always bad. I never liked the way I looked.

Once I read the smile has to go all the way to the eyes, I realized all the photos of myself that I love, I am really happy. Looking back at old pictures, when I was posing, worried about how I would look, the photos were never flattering.

With this little snippet of information, I always try to think of people I love, a happy memory or something planned for my future. It is no longer torture to have my photo taken.

Posted in life

Ready for a change

I am starting a new blog. I am keeping LifeRewritten to write about my life struggles post divorce and to vent my emotions.

However, I will now be utilizing Refreshing-Life.com for the happier side of life. It will take about 2-3 days to go live. I invite you to check it out and follow me.

Posted in depression, life

 

Why am I telling this story? It’s simple. There are so many simple ways to find joy. I know when you are down, it can seem to be a monumental task to even start the littlest project. I just hope you find some inspiration here so you aren’t stuck (Like I was) in a dark place.

I have so much fun spending time with a toddler. When I was a young mother, I didn’t have as much patience as I do now. And anyone who has spent time with a toddler knows patience is key to success.

When my girls were young, I always enjoyed doing fun projects with them. And when we had many rainy days recently, I knew I needed to come up with something to make waking up in the morning an exciting activity for a two-year old. I had no idea how successful this little project would be.

Taking lima beans, the kind you buy dried at the grocery store, and placing theIMG_6587.JPGm between wet paper towels, my little guy and I, placed them in ziploc bags and put them in a dark place. Within the next week or so, the beans sprouted roots. Our next step was to plant the seeds into tiny pots.

My guy’s job was to water them everyday. It was always the first thing he wanted to do. And when they spouted above the soil, there was so much excitement in the house. Now it is time to replant them into a large pot and have them climb a tomato cage.

And as the plants grow towards the son, you too can find the light in your life.