Posted in life

What’s in a Name

Have you ever wondered if your personality would be different if you’d been given another name? I wonder about that because there is such a disparity between my name and my sister’s name. Ok, I’ll admit it’s strictly my own opinion. But how many people dislike their name?

Full disclosure. I am name after my maternal grandmother, whom I loved. I just never loved her name. The story goes my mother wanted to name me after a beautiful dancer but her mother made her feel so guilty concerning naming me, she relented and named me after her mother. I became legally Daphna Delores. Every time I type my legal name it’s highlighted as a misspelled word. No one can pronounce it. The closest anyone ever gets is Daphne.

My sister came along two years later and was named after the beautiful dancer, Cyd Charisse. She left the hospital as Charisse Anne. She grew into a successful and beautiful woman with natural blonde hair. She was always popular with a sunny disposition. Every time we moved, it would take me a full year to make friends. My sister, on the other hand, would have all sorts of friends and even a boyfriend!

I’ve always been overly serious but a name like Daphna isn’t for someone fun and carefree. Now at 18 months I received the nickname Dede and for most of my life I’ve been known as Dede, but that’s not my real name. My real name is on all the official documents of my life. So each and every time I move, change jobs, got married, got divorced etc Daphna Delores shows up.

What I’d like to know is if I had been named Charisse or Charlotte or Samantha etc would I have a less serious personality? Would I be more light-hearted? Would I have been popular? I’ve also been curious if someone didn’t know my name, just by looking at me, what would their guess be?

Posted in life

Not Me

I, like many of you, never believed people when they said your life will go by quickly. No, I had years ahead of me. I wouldn’t grow old for eons.

Of course if you’re over 50, you now realize those people were right. I went to bed 24, newly married with a lifetime of hopes and dreams. I wake up now, I’m 58, divorced and forgotten how to dream.

Posted in life, shopping

Best Buy Confusion

Can you explain this to me?

Okay I got the image from Best Buy website.

2 weeks ago I purchased a new MAC laptop which was regularly $1299 and was on sale for $1199. I bought two other items which were not on sale and not Apple products. I realized yesterday I bought a DVD writer and not an external Blu-ray player. I hadn’t opened the DVD writer, so I wanted to exchange it.

When I exchanged the $40 DVD writer which I apparently paid $32 receiving a 20% discount, for a $75 external Blu-ray player I was shocked when I saw my total. It said I owed $154. My math skills were perfectly able to see there was some gross error. How could I owe three times as much as I expected? $75-$32=$43 right?

I then received a very poor explanation from the manager. She explained I purchased a bundle. I explained I did not. The computer was priced at $1199 and didn’t require I buy anything else. She repeatedly told me I had purchased a bundle.

Now folks, I worked in retail a long time and I can assure you I am a savvy consumer. I’m very aware of any specials and just because I received a 20% discount on one item, doesn’t mean I bundled my purchase. If I had paid for each item separately, I would have spent $8 more but I could have then returned my unneeded DVD writer.

She never could fix the problem. Giving me the old it’s a computer glitch. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I finally gave up and just bought the external Blu-ray player for $75.

Posted in life

Do I know myself?

Lately I’ve been asking myself several questions and I was surprised I couldn’t answer them. They aren’t difficult questions. What do I like to do? What is my personal style? What are my best qualities? What am I good at? Questions many people never ask because they already know. I thought I knew the answers to these questions but lately I’ve realized I have very little idea of who I am.

Strange because at the age of 58, society says you know yourself. You have life experience and can define who you are. Not the case for me. I think like many women, I defined myself as wife and mother. I haven’t been a wife for five years and although I’m a mother, my daughters are grown. The divorce put me in a downward spiral which I am happy to say is over.

Now I am left with so many questions. I put “me” on the back burner, completely forgetting who I am and what I like. In fact I’m not certain I ever knew the answers to those questions. As a perpetual people pleaser, it never occurred to me to even consider what I wanted.

Due to life circumstances I will be moving to a new city in about 18 months. I have no idea where I’ll be going. I’ll have to decide whether to follow my daughter and her family, move home and in with my mother, stay put here (without family or friends) or put the decision on hold and travel. My girls tell me staying here or traveling is just putting off life and living.

I think they are right. If I had the financially ability to buy a home, it might be an easier decision. Renting makes me feel rootless. My goal this year is to get to know myself and discover what I want.

I’d love to hear how you’ve learned who you are, what you’re good at, how you define yourself and how you discovered what you want in life.

Posted in Jesus

The love of a child

I am a very blessed woman. At a time when I thought God didn’t hear my prayers, He was busy placing me where I needed to be. What I thought was a set back, a punishment turned out to be an answer to my prayer.

Unemployed after a heartbreaking divorce, wondering how much longer my money would last and feeling completely worthless and purposeless, my daughter asked me if I wanted to babysit a little boy 2 days a week. I said yes and that was the moment my heart began to heal.

He loved me from the moment I became one of his caregivers. When my daughter had her own baby, I became his full-time caregiver. A day doesn’t pass that he doesn’t hug me or tells me that he loves me. It genuine love. There are no hidden agendas. It’s simple. He needs me and I need him.

He became a big brother last year and I now have the pleasure of keeping him and his brother. While it’s not as easy at 58 as it was at 28, it still makes my heart swell with joy knowing I’m needed and loved.

So I’m slowly learning after a lifetime, God doesn’t always answer my prayers with a yes or no. Sometimes He says, I’ve got a better idea.

Posted in God, life, Uncategorized

Second Chances

God has taken my life down a path I never imagined. This path has been a very bumpy ride but it has brought me a deeper faith and given me an opportunity I never thought I would have.

As a young mother I did my best to be a good mom and make memories with my daughters. Of course as life teaches us hindsight is 20/20 and I can now look back and see many times I was too busy just to enjoy my daughters. So I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to God for bringing me to this place in my life.

I now work 50+ hours a week as a nanny but while I’m paid I don’t feel like a nanny. In fact that the oldest renamed me Mimi. The two boys I watch are like grandsons to me. (Top 2 photos). And to make this blessing even grander, my own daughter and son-in-law gave me a grandson in June. (Bottom photo). I get to spend my time with these three precious boys and I have the wisdom to know just to enjoy the moments and not stress out over little things. My life is overflowing with love.

I wouldn’t have picked or imagined this life for myself which is why I am so thankful God knows best because it’s been many years since I’ve been this happy and had this much peace.

Wishing you Joy and love this Christmas and every day in 2018.

Posted in divorce

No expectations

If you continue to hope someone who continually disappoints you will change, its best to stop hoping. Most people never change. A tiny few will surprise you and change. I know because I surprised my girls and changed.

However my ex-husband (30 yrs of marriage), has for their entire lifetimes, disappointed them. And now after five years divorced, he has sunk even lower. I endured being treated as though as I was invisible and now he is doing to the girls.

How you ask? Always staying focused on himself and his comfort. Handing over gift buying to his live-in younger girlfriend who doesn’t know either of them. And my daughters have no desire to know her. Every time, which is rarely, they see their dad, they say it’s like he’s on something. He’s not himself. He makes odd comments. He doesn’t follow through on promises.

It breaks my heart for my daughters. I asked my oldest if she thought he treated them so poorly because they are also my daughters and remind him of me and all his betrayals? Her response was no. She believed he saw his parents and his own siblings as his real family. She and her sister were just some unimportant extended family.

So stop and think this Christmas season, if you are a person of integrity? Do you make people feel valuable and loved? Are you interested in those close to you or is your focus solely on your own life? Do your children know you love them and they are the most important people in your life? Change is not impossible, but it does take hard work. If you are someone who continues to hope my advice is to stop. Pray you can accept this person as he is and not to allow his problems to hurt you.

Posted in life

Someone else’s life

Have you ever had a time when you thought to yourself, I am living someone else’s life. This isn’t my life. It must belong to some other person because in my life I am not alone and struggling. I’m not living in a nondescript town with no friends and no life. In my life I’m not working 50 plus hours a week with no health insurance. This black and white life with no color, can’t be my life.

My life is supposed to be colorful, full of friends, family and experiences. I’m supposed to be living in a quaint town with lots of history and four seasons. In my real life I have a circle of close friends who are there for me and I for them. My life is full of travel opportunities and chances to learn and experience new things. I have a home which is always open to friends and family. I give my time and talents to my church and those in need. I don’t work 50 hours a week. I don’t worry about getting sick because I have health insurance. And I don’t get lonely because I have a loving and caring husband. That is my life or I should say the life I imagined I would have.

Then I wake up and realize my real life is what I first described.

Posted in depression

Unsure

I haven’t been posting because as my anger and bitterness has lessened (most of the time), I find I’m not sure what to write.  I’ve used writing for so long to express my darkest feelings, now that I don’t feel so dark on the inside, it seems I don’t have much to say.

That alone bothers me. Who only has negative things to say and nothing positive or upbeat? Who goes through each day neither sad nor happy? Who has flat emotions? 

I’ve asked my doctor to wean off my anti-depressant because I think after being on it for four years, it has dulled my emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sad, but neither do I feel happy or joy. Even the birth of my first grandson feels flat and not as exciting or emotionally moving as I expected.

Does anyone else struggle with having no emotions?

Posted in Faith

We needed each other

I have wondered why God set me on this path to live in Temple, TX. While there is nothing wrong with it, I don’t feel at home here. I know my kids are leaving in two years and I’ll leave the too. There is no reason to stay. This town is not conveniently located near an airport so I could travel to see my girls, so I know it’s temporary. I was having trouble digging myself out of the sadness and then,

Enter this young man

My daughter was watching him three days a week and another woman was watching him the other two days. Turns out the other woman was completely ignoring him and making him sit on the rug! My daughter asked if I’d like to take the other lady’s place. I said Yes! Immediately A.P.L. stole my heart.

I’ve watched him now for 8 months. And a couple of months ago I realized why God had sent me to Temple. APL needed me and I needed him. I now watch him 5 days a week. He named me, Mimi and I couldn’t love him more if he was my own flesh and blood. My depression is almost 100% under control. I have a day every now and then but it’s rare I feel bad.

So thank you Lord for taking me on this path, even if in the beginning I didn’t understand. It’s a big reminder You know what you’re doing and I just need to trust.