I think this young blogger has set some high but very obtainable goals. I haven’t set any goals for myself in several years. Disappointment always seemed to follow me around but God is slowly changing my life perspective. So, tomorrow I will take the time to make my own list of 2017 life goals. Follow the link to read:
I am taking a course at UTexas called Kickstart your Novel. Last week I brought in a sample of my story and a few classmates and the instructor took it home in order to critique it. Normally the instructor critiques your writing while you are in a small group setting. But for reasons I won’t go into, my writing was critiqued in from the entire group.
The instructor is kind and has a way of delivering a critique without squashing your dreams. Overall it was a favorable review by all who read it with one classmate saying it was the best thing she’d read so far in class. The instructor pointed out my good word and phrase choices. An example, “Michael casually shredded her life.”
I have the most difficult (my therapist would say impossible) time accepting praise. I sift out the good and only keep bad. Silly, I know and I’m working on changing.
So who knows, maybe I will someday realize my dream and be a published author.
I am going to try an experiment. Does writing my depressive thoughts encourage my depression to stay? I’ve made an old blog visible and for the rest of October, I am going to write only positive things and see if this helps my state of mind.
So I am asking my LifeRewritten followers to follow me at A Fresh New Life and find out if I get an answer when my experiment is finished.
Nowhere to be seen.
Nothing but a hot breeze.
Red, orange, yellow bright?
Not here among the green.
Burning leaves and pumpkin patches?
Just scorching rays and sweat down the back.
I long to live in a place which says goodbye to summer with bright flashes of color, deep scents of cinnamon, pumpkin and apple. I long to have a home where the windows let in a cool breeze for a night of refreshing of sleep. A place which offers a new experience for all my senses with the passing of each month. Will I ever be able to live in my wonderland?
My youngest told me today it was time to stop worrying about her and her sister and start to worry about myself. I wanted to laugh because most parents (except my ex) always have their children on their hearts and minds. I don’t worry per se, but I pray for them and if they are sick or feeling down I’m concerned. It’s like the moment your child is born as with goes on inside of you and you realize for the first time in your life what love really is.
I am doing my best to focus on rebuilding my life as I approach my next move. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a local theater. I’ve joined a few Meetup groups. I found out I qualify for a free senior checking account and a discount at the community recreation center. (Happy to save money but still difficult to realize how old I am).
It’s hot and humid here in central Texas. As I sweat or as a southern lady glisten my way through the day, I remind myself all that humidity is good for my skin and helps delay wrinkles!! I am privileged to grow old. Not everyone gets the opportunity.
Since I haven’t been able to find employment, I’ve been considering a possible road trip. Financially I can make it happen since I will no longer have rent and the costs associated with renting. My mother has agreed to keep my cat. The question is do I go? Do I spend July, August and part of Septembern exploring? There are places I’d love to see. I have friends throughout the country so hotel costs would be kept at a minimum. I could write about my experiences.
Or is a road trip just putting off the envitable? I know I must work but facing more rejections seems overwhelming. To get one more email with thanks but we found someone better suited is more than I can handle right now. Three long years of drought. Am I that undesirable as an employee? Is it my age? A combination of age and the fact I was a stay at home mom? I need the tide to turn. I need something good to happen in my life.
I’ve finally reached a point where I’m not drowning in depression. I’m ready to face life as a middle aged divorcée. I might not like it but I can do it. I worry that the dark demon will resurface if something doesn’t go my way soon.
So maybe I will take a road trip and discover things I’ve yet to learn.
I was on Pinterest and Boho Berry ‘s post about bullet journals caught my eye. I have kept a journal off and on for years. I started when I was first married, inspired by my ex-mother-in-law who had kept journals since she was first married in 1953. Now my journals were more about what happened and how I felt. Her journals contained a lot of financial information along with weather and anything important that happened. I decided I wanted to do something similar.
I kept simple journals from about 1984 (the year my first daughter was born) to 2000 (the year after I learned my now ex-husband was a peeping-tom). I lost my desire to journal an record my life when I realized my life wasn’t exactly what I thought it was. A few years later I picked it up again but this time the journals were an outlet for my unhappiness and frustration. When I go back and read them now they are so depressing. I know I didn’t realize the extent of my unhappiness at the time.
Then of course I kept the general to-do journals but I didn’t keep those. I tossed them out at the end of the day, week, month or year. Had I kept some of those I would realize how much I was actually doing at the time.
When I saw the Pinterest post about bullet journals I was intrigued. I like being creative and I like journals and I like keeping track of what I need to accomplish. This type of journal seems to marry all three of my interests. I am going to give it a try. I can get an inexpensive journal at Half-Price Books, some inexpensive markers and I have pens. then it will be time to create, taking the ideas that work best for me. The link for Boho Berry will give you a lot of ideas of how to begin.
I signed up for informal education at UT. The beginning DSLR photography class began last Monday. The class isn’t too large but except for me and one man, no one in the class is over 30. I definitely felt singled out due to age. The instructor kept asking me if I was of understanding the technology. I realize I do remember things that most of the class have never even used. (cassette tapes, instamatic cameras, VHS tapes, phone book etc.) When the instructor mentioned ISO just the two of us had any idea what it was and how it was used. I always had ISO 100, 200 and 400 film on hand. I have a large box of negatives and boxes of photos.
I commented that with digital photography, I rarely have photos printed and because of that, I never really look at any of the memories I captured. My daughter did find a great app called Artifact Uprising. It is an easy to use app that allows you to upload photos of your choice and make great photo books. I’ve used one of the better known sites but I like the look and feel of the Artifact Uprising book better. I ordered a 5.5 x 5.5 soft cover photo book. I had photos from my three months in Tours, France but I wasn’t enjoying them because they were on my computer. I did it all from my Iphone too. You can go to their website Artifact Uprising Now I can enjoy my photos.
Since I titled this 3rd times the charm, it is because this is the 3rd time I’ve taken beginning DSLR photography. I hope this time it sinks in and I take the time to record memories and moments through pictures. Because when I am long gone, they will remain as a doorway into my life for future generations.
Today I took a break get in sewing and turned on a Hallmark movie. The cast list said Willie Ames was in it. In the above photo he is the boy on the far right and if my memory serves me right, he was a teen heartthrob. And here he was playing the father of an adult daughter. He has gray hair and wrinkles! How could that be? So I looked him up on IMDB (internet movie database) and there in black and white it says he is 55.
55, he can’t be 55 because I’m only …. wait, I’m 56. How did that happen? I could have sworn I was 36 or maybe 46, but no. Right there on my driver’s license it says I am 56. I’m no fool. I know I look my age but I definitely don’t feel my age. Now I don’t feel like a teenager but I certainly don’t feel 56, whatever that is supposed to feel like. I know I don’t feel old enough to get a senior discount or an AARP discount.
I will admit that sometimes I will use age as an excuse. It’s a feeble one. Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first book at 65. Grandma Moses started painting at 70. Julia Child didn’t begin her TV career until age 51. Vera Wang didn’t enter fashion until 40. Carol Gardner of Zelda Wisdom a $50 million greeting card business didn’t start until she was 52. And there is a long list of people that were busy succeeding and living at 90 and beyond.
So I have to remove age from the table of excuses. It is no longer a card I can play. (Unless of course I can get a discount). 🙂
I was hit by a crashing wave yesterday. It was totally unexpected. I had actually gotten up and went to church. It was small but definitely the friendliest one I’ve visited. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home.
I finished reading the latest book on my list and posted a review. I cleaned up my apartment. I made plans to go see my daughter this week. It was a good day and then out of the blue I was hit by a wave of depression.
It was unexpected and it hit hard. I was knocked for a loop. I began sending increasingly depressing texts to my younger daughter until she finally called her sister. Who in turn called me very upset.
Her tears were flowing and so were mine. I was sobbing. I was having trouble breathing. I had no explanation initially for why I had gone over the edge of sadness.
My therapist says I shouldn’t worry about a job right mow. Maybe he’s right but I need employment and not a $7.25/hr job cleaning toilets. I believe it’s my overwhelming sense of fear that I will end up homeless because I can’t find a decent job is what drives my depression. I would have fought for more when I divorced had I known AGE discrimination and discrimination against FULL-TIME STAY at HOME MOMS and WIVES was so prevalent. I’m smart. I learn quickly. I’m good with people. I have the skills required for the jobs I apply so why do I have an inbox full of Rejections?
I am going to try an experiment. I am going to reapply for a job that recently sent me a basic rejection letter. I’m going to apply with my legal first name and maiden name then change all my dates by 30 years so I will be 26 rather than 56 and see what happens. My gut says I will be offered an interview. If so, it will be a clear case of age discrimination. If this happens I will contact an attorney.
It is sad I am having to go to such lengths to find a job. I will let know what happens.