I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.
She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.
I am well into my story now. 80,000 words is given as the minimum for writing to be considered a novel. I am halfway finished with reading Stephen King’s On Writing book. I was skeptical when he mentioned his characters speaking to him and leading sometimes down an entirely different story path.
I know now he’s right. I had a basic plot line in mind, characters, victim, a guilty murderer and as I have continued to write the story, I am being lead in an entirely different direction. It seems my murderer is innocent and someone else did the nasty deed.
If I continue writing at my current pace I hope to finish the first draft by mid-May. Thank you to Julie and Anne for their bravery in reading what I’ve written and giving me their honest opinions. When it’s finally finished and I e-publish it I will certainly post it on my blog.
You would think with all the time I’ve had on my hands I would have spent it writing the book I’ve always said I’d write. I would begin and then think this story is dumb no one will read it. Then I went to a Meetup group for aspiring writers. I met writers who had actually written books, self published and made money!!
I spoke to one afterwards express in my belief no one would read what I wrote. She assured me in no uncertain terms if I wrote a book, self published it, someone would read it. Maybe that’s all I need to hear because as present I am at 38,000 words and counting. According to Internet gurus I need approximately 80,000 words for an adult novel. So I am not quite halfway.
Hoping to finish before I move out and into the unknown I’m using my time during the day to do nothing but write. The story probably makes no sense at all but it has given me something to focus on during the day. Now to find something other than hopelessness to fill my night.
After 30 years of marriage followed by a bad divorce and 3.5 years of unsuccessful job hunting I need help. I want you to help me decide my future by taking my poll. If you don’t like any of the answers, chose none of the above and give a suggestion in the comments section. Please be polite and respectful. Let the voting beginning.
If you’re like I was at the beginning of my career, you have huge dreams. But sadly, the bigger the dream, the greater the frustration when day after day passes without success. The cause—not starting—looks simple. But the fix—starting (which also looks simple)—has you stymied. You know you would succeed if you could just get…
I heard on the news, new mother Chrissy Teagan was being mommy shamed because she chose to go out to dinner a mere two weeks post delivery. Now someone please correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression baby Luna wasn’t conceived through immaculate conception. Baby Luna does actually have a father as well as a mother right? Chrissy was out to dinner with her husband, John Legend an equally new father but not one word was said about his departure from the sweet child. Only she was criticized.
Am I to understand it is acceptable for women to criticize new mothers about every choice they make? But new fathers are considered completely innocent and not responsible when they make the same choice as the new mother? Hello, we aren’t living in the dark ages or even 1950 anymore. Fathers are just as important as mothers. And if you take the time to do some research you will find (as if anyone really need to do research to prove the truth of this statement) fathers play just as an important role in a child’s life from birth on as a mother does.
I’ve always said women would rule the world if we stopped picking on each other. You don’t see men shaming other men because they are too fat or too skinny. They don’t shame each other because their wives chose to bottle feed over breastfeeding. They don’t shame each other when dinner is take out rather than a home-cooked meal. No, they unite. They act as a team.
Ladies, we’ve had how many thousands of years to learn this lesson? Support your fellow women. Support the choices they make for their lives and their families’ lives. It is their life after all and I am 100% positive there has never been nor will there ever be a perfect mother. So be quiet unless you can say something nice and supportive.
I am moving again. This is my sixth move in four years. I have gone from 4200 sq feet and financial security to 1000 sq feet wondering if I will be forced to live in my car.
I find moving under these circumstances to be both emotionally and physically exhausting. I’ve lost important sentimental things, my grandmother’s locket, the wedding portrait of my ex and me, the cake topper from my parent’s wedding which has graced four cakes, 3 generations of marriages. Mine is the only one to die after 30 years. While none of those items are worth much monetarily they all hold great sentimental value.
I’ve struggled with finding where I belong. I don’t belong in Flower Mound (DFW area) anymore. I don’t belong in Austin. I don’t belong in Las Vegas where I went to high school and college. I don’t belong in Temple where my daughter and son-in-law are living. They will be leaving in 2019.
I feel like a ship with no rudder or home port. I have worked to accept my new life. Not having a place to call home, a place to belong makes it much more of a challenge. I am thinking of taking a poll via the blog, Instagram and Twitter. Let someone else decide because I don’t have a clue.
I have found resources if you are a woman who has been beaten by your husband and living in a shelter. I have found resources for drug addicts, alcohols, sexual predators, people with anger management issues and resources for those who have been employed and now find themselves unemployed. AARP boasts on national television how they can help you “Re-imagine your Life.” The problem is AARP makes the assumption you have been an employed adult for most of your life and now you want to pursue a passion rather than just a way to pay to the bills and keep a roof over your head.
Where are the resources for women over 50 who stayed home with their children only to be thrown in the trash by their self-centered, egomaniac husbands who believe a younger woman will keep them from aging. (The irony is the younger the woman, the older he actually looks.) I’ve hunted. I’ve searched. I have had no luck. Because I am a college educated woman who chose to give 30 years of her life to her family, I don’t qualify. Everyone makes the assumption a college degree is the answer. They are wrong.
If I hear one more time, “Oh you are so smart and have so much to offer, I think I’ll puck on the spot. Clearly whatever it is I have to offer, no one is hiring. And no service organization wants to help because I don’t fit their “demographic”. So like many other women who gave their life to their family, I will in 8 weeks find myself homeless. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke and I don’t do drugs. I am college educated but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist. Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which Narcissists have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as […]
A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.
I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness.
Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.