I read this article about an obituary making the rounds on Facebook. I am not on Facebook because like depression it lies. While Facebook portrays an unrealistic life standard which we want to obtain, depression lies because it blinds us to the truth. Depression tells me I am not lovable. I am not worthy. It says no one wants me. It says I have nothing to offer. Intellectually I understand, emotionally I am still blind. Read the link and educate yourself. The life you save may be someone you love.
Month: March 2016
Desperately Seeking
I know for anyone who reads my blog this is a redundant post. However as the days go by I am left with fewer and fewer choices. Supposedly we live in a society that values contribution unless it is that of a mother and wife. After over 25 years of running a household, volunteering in my community and helping my friends and neighbors, I am turned away time and time again for employment.
Every day I receive another rejection in my inbox. Never do they state why I am being passed over. Is there no one willing to take a chance on me? My ex-husband has left me without the financial means to care for myself without a job. I had enough for these three years. I never anticipated being unable to find a job. I don’t need to make a lot of money. My ex-husband makes $300,000 a year now. In the past three years his income has almost doubled. Funny how that happened post divorce. I only need to make $40,000 a year. That is just 6 weeks equivalent to my ex-husband’s income.
I have given up any feeling that I am not having the life I deserve or the life I earned and worked for. I should be traveling, anticipating grand-kids, volunteering in my community and pursuing my interests after all those years of caring for Doug and our daughters, but that is not my life. My life is now one of loneliness, struggle and fear. My prayers have gone unanswered. God isn’t giving me any guidance of what my next step should be. I keep listening but I hear nothing, not even the slightest hint.
I am at a complete loss as what I should do. It is a sad statement on our society that women like me are so easily discarded.
Make a difference
Do you make the assumption everyone has friends? Do you think their lives are busy and full? Do you ever take the time to speak to someone new? Do you choose to stay in your comfort zone and not reach out?
Did you know that every 12.3 seconds there is one death in the US by suicide? The truth about suicide How many more try and fail? How many times will someone try before she succeeds? Will any care he is gone?
Anyone that has contemplated or tried suicide isn’t thinking clearly. You think you are. In your warped mind it all makes sense. The tragedy is that it is never the right or best choice.
For so many of us who battle depression, isolation and loneliness the simple act of reaching out can mean the difference between the will to go on and the desire to end it all.
Smile more. Say hi more. Call your friends. Check in with people whom you haven’t heard from lately. Let them know you care. Make a difference.
Encouragement
Today I received encouragement from a group of strangers. At a coffee shop in Austin a group of would be writers were encouraged by already published writers. Competition is at the forefront of everything so many of us do. And here I had the kindness of others bestowed upon me for nothing. It was free. And it was refreshing.
Now the challenge is to silence the inner critic and write. No need to ask would someone actually read a story I wrote. Just write the story. Get it down on paper. Fine tune it when I’m finished but as Nike says, Just do it.
Soul Fatigue
My soul is tired. My mind is tired. I cling to hope but as the days go by my grasp is slipping. Whether I like it or not, I cannot make it without a job. I do not want to live in my car. I don’t want to move into the tiny, tiny, overcrowded room in my mother’s house. I’m willing to downsize more. I’ve gone from 4200 sq feet to 1000 sq feet but even a small apartment costs money.
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve applied for every type of job you can imagine. I’ve had no success. Even though I pray and hold on to the hope that God will provide me with a job or a sense of what I should do, but so far I am still completely in the dark. I start thinking I should have sucked it up and stayed married to an emotionally abusive man and then I realize I wouldn’t have survived. But the lure of financial security is strong.
I was scared but now I’m just too weary to even be frightened.
Discrimation in our face
All charts are fromVulture
Men continue to keep women in their place by casting super young actresses opposite old men. I’m not talking a couple years difference. I’m talking about men old enough to be their father and grandfather. The link is to an article by Vulture. They are an online news media outlet that reports of what’s happening around the world especially in entertainment.
Every time we watch images with such an age discrepancy, we are being sent a subliminal message that only young women have value and are lovable. We may not be consciously thinking about it at the time, but when we see it over and over in the movies, on TV and in the lives of public personalities there is no way it doesn’t affect us.
Discrimination is something we as Americans are supposed to fight against yet we allow the movie industry to continue to plant untruths in our minds. We do nothing about it. The actresses of Hollywood do nothing about it. What would happen if actresses agreed not to have more than 5 years or even a maximum of 10 years age difference between them and their leading men? There would be lots of movies that would not get made or casting agents would find someone age appropriate.
Is this the message we want to send out daughters? That they only have value when they are young? Thankfully there is one man who stands above the rest with integrity.
Watching my life on TV
Ok let me clarify. The TV show Younger is the pretext of 40 year old divorcee pretending to be 26 because se can’t get hired after she stayed home to raise her daughter. She wants health benefits and an income. That is where the similarities stop.
I am 56 and couldn’t pass for 42 (same age difference in the show). And I don’t have super young and super hot boyfriend. But I did stay home to raise my daughters. I am divorced. I don’t have health insurance and I can’t find a job.
In the season finale she leaves her good job as a 26 year old and takes a job in a department store. Her only comments are she was able to turn off her brain and she will have health insurance. Of course her incredibly hot age appropriate boss hunts her down lays a kiss on her.
So as much as I have in common with Liza (the character), I am unfortunately living out the realty rather than the television fiction.
What Abusers Hope We Never Learn About Trauma Bonding
By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]
Learning again
I started another informal class at the University of Texas tonight. It’s a French class and for beginners. I’ve taken French off and on for years but I’ve never been able to get beyond beginner.
I asked myself why and the answer is simple. It’s fear. Fear of sounding dumb. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of being tongue tied and making people frustrated. Fear. It’s why kids learn languages so quickly. They aren’t afraid of trying. They don’t worry about what other people think.
The class is too easy in some ways but when I try a group where people are fluent, I can’t keep up. So I have to find a way to learn and progress. I also have to walk a fine line and not be overbearing in this class. It’s easy to want to answer the questions because you know the answer. But I know how it feels to be totally lost in translation with people speaking at what sounds like lightening speed.
So as I give it a shot again, I hope it sticks and I don’t forget it and I hope I no longer worry about sounding stupid.
The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists
There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us. Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them. A – Amoral. Narcissists are […]
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/the-a-zs-of-everyday-malignant-narcissists/
My life on an unexpected path 