I am a very blessed woman. At a time when I thought God didn’t hear my prayers, He was busy placing me where I needed to be. What I thought was a set back, a punishment turned out to be an answer to my prayer.
Unemployed after a heartbreaking divorce, wondering how much longer my money would last and feeling completely worthless and purposeless, my daughter asked me if I wanted to babysit a little boy 2 days a week. I said yes and that was the moment my heart began to heal.
He loved me from the moment I became one of his caregivers. When my daughter had her own baby, I became his full-time caregiver. A day doesn’t pass that he doesn’t hug me or tells me that he loves me. It genuine love. There are no hidden agendas. It’s simple. He needs me and I need him.
He became a big brother last year and I now have the pleasure of keeping him and his brother. While it’s not as easy at 58 as it was at 28, it still makes my heart swell with joy knowing I’m needed and loved.
So I’m slowly learning after a lifetime, God doesn’t always answer my prayers with a yes or no. Sometimes He says, I’ve got a better idea.
I received some exciting news a couple months ago. I am going to become a grandma for the first time. Needless to say, I cried tears of joy.
Before modern science, the miracle was secret. Babies were hidden in their mothers’ wombs. Now we have the incredible privilege of watching the miracle unfold. And I feel so blessed to be able to be part of this child’s life.
As we celebrate the coming of our savior in the form of a baby, it’s a reminder miracles still happen each and every day. I wish each and everyone a Merry Christmas.
**Please refrain from making pro-life vs pro-choice statements. I don’t want this to become a heated forum. I am only writing about my personal joy.
I was watching a rerun of an episode of Outlander on Starz. Claire is intent on stopping the battle of Culloden. She is also intent on keeping Alex from Mary because she believes Jack Randall is the ancestor of her modern day husband Frank.
I didn’t really think about this when I read the book or watched the episode the first time around. Claire can not change the future. She is wrong about Frank’s ancestors. Her meddling caused all sorts of problems and ultimately nothing changed.
I see myself in Claire. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to “make” things turn out the way I want rather than getting out of God’s way and letting Him handle my life. The more I get in the way, the slower God is to act because He gives me free will and I insist on blocking my own way.
Outlander is just a book, a story but like in all things we can learn something about ourselves. I’ve begun a study of Psalms. One or two verses at time. Following Luther’s suggestion I read for instruction, then thanksgiving, then confession and finally prayer. This simple study is opening my heart and teaching me to get out of the way.
This is a small country church set in the flat lands of central Texas. Even though it is small it carries on with worship and sharing the good news. For fellow believers I have a question because I need help.
I can’t seem to find hope for tomorrow. I believe in the hope and promise of heaven but right now while I am still on God’s green earth, I’ve lost my hope. My good friend called me recently because of a very upsetting conversation I had with my mother. Even she said if you could just have something go your way, catch a break, get good news, it would help so much. I very much feel like an amateur man’s version of Job. My life doesn’t even begin to compare to his, but my battle with depression creates a barrier to finding hope. My therapist says I shouldn’t need to hold onto the idea of something good happening in my life to be happy and content. Just being alive should be enough.
So fellow believers, how do I persevere? How do I dig my way out of hopelessness? How do I find where I belong when my entire life was ripped away and has forced me to move multiple times in just 3 years. I know my real home is in heaven but right now I need to know where God wants me planted. I’m alone. No local friends. Only been here a month but I’ve but I’ve visited two churches. My heart aches. I just want to go home but home no longer exists. It’s just me and no one else.
I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.
The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.
I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.
My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.
I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.
I turned in my notice today that I will not be renewing my lease. The tasks before me now include packing everything I own except for the basic necessities needed to travel. I also must locate a climate controlled storage unit that’s will hold everything it possible I will need two. Reserve them and make arrangement for movers. I have two months which is sufficient time if I pack everyday after work and devote my weekends to packing.
6 times now I’ve moved in four years. God clearly has decided He is not ready to stop punishing me. I no longer know what I can possibly learn from what I am experiencing nor do I see an end to it. I don’t belong anywhere with anyone. So no need to try and find home. Living on the road doesn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore. No more dreams of happiness and love. Just dreams of the open road.
Psalm 23:6a“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”She has been looking for a new job. Right now she drives over an hour to work in traffic. She wants to work closer to home. She wants more time with her family. She wants to get more involved in the church. …
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4Why would a shepherd lead his sheep through “the valley of the shadow of death?” The answer is quite simple. He is taking his flock…
Risen – a trailer Use the link to see a trailer of the movie.
I think we all have a small part of ourselves that is skeptical. Can we believe what the presidential candidates say? Can we believe the reason our spouse is late? Can we believe the missing money went to pay for gas? Is the compliment genuine?
While I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose from the grave 3 days later, after seeing the movie Risen I wondered if I had been there what would I have believed? It would be nice to be confident enough to say, I would have recognized the messiah immediately. However if I am honest I would have been a skeptic just like the main character in the movie. I would have wanted evidence. Even now I find at times I seek evidence that God is active in my life. I want my prayers answered and my faith can waiver when they are not.
Our world has groomed us to be skeptics. We are taught not to trust from a very early age. Our doors stay locked. Our kids don’t talk to strangers. We don’t know our neighbors. We worry the other guy is after our job. We wonder if our spouse is faithful. Being skeptical is an American trait. It’s what we do.
Now I believe we should not always accept things at face value but neither should we dismiss something just because we’re afraid to trust. The element of trust has been broken and dismantled in our society. Do we truly trust any of the presidential candidates to put the needs of the country first? Do we believe they answer honestly or does our skepticism get in the way of actually hearing?
Our government is not a TV reality show. While one candidate might make for entertaining TV, that doesn’t mean he or she should be president. In my opinion a good president is like a good parent. Some times the things you have to do hurt and don’t bring pleasure or joy but you know it’s best in the long run. Hard decisions today make for a better tomorrow.
I don’t want to be a skeptic anymore. I want to trust my God and my fellow man.