Month: September 2016

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, fear, help, questions

Barrier

Posted on by Dede

Barrier

An impediment to moving forward. Why do I feel it’s not possible to be happy and relaxed? Is it because I believe I don’t deserve to be happy? Am I not worthy of happiness? Is it I don’t know what happiness is so I don’t recognize it? I know I’ve felt and experienced happiness before but now, for the past several years beginning in 2009, my ability to be happy has eluded me.

I see other people. I can feel their joy. I can sense their satisfaction with life. They are relaxed and have fun. I feel wound up so tightly that it’s impossible to move for fear I’ll break or snap. 

Is there a secret? A secret to letting go of the worry, always worried what people think of me? A secret to just enjoy the moment? I know I’ve missed so much since 2009. Time we can never reclaim. I don’t want to waste anymore moments which could possible hold joy and happiness.

Posted in divorce, Uncategorized

Speaking without knowing

Posted on by Dede


I just received a tongue lashing from someone who knows nothing about me or what I’ve been through. It’s so easy to judge someone’s life or decisions when you judge from comfort. How can anyone know what someone else has experienced without asking?

How can someone speak of believing in marriage and not divorce when she doesn’t  know the choices you had or the situation you were in? How can someone minimize your struggles or heartache when she knows nothing of your life?

Divorce is not something I wanted. I spent 30 years forgiving and trying to make it work. It  takes two people to make a marriage work. And for anyone who believes mental and emotional abuse is less damaging than physical abuse has never experienced it. 

So before you give someone a tongue lashing stop. Keep your mouth shut and thank the Lord above you are not in that person’s situation. 

Posted in choices, Dreaming, Goal, life, love, Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Where is Autumn?

Posted on by Dede

Falling leaves?

Nowhere to be seen.

Crisp air?

Nothing but a hot breeze.

Red, orange, yellow bright?

Not here among the green.

Burning leaves and pumpkin patches?

Just scorching rays and sweat down the back.

I long to live in a place which says goodbye to summer with bright flashes of color, deep scents of cinnamon, pumpkin and apple. I long to have a home where the windows let in a cool breeze for a night of refreshing of sleep. A place which offers a new experience for all my senses with the passing of each month. Will I ever be able to live in my wonderland?

Posted in depression, Experience, life, Uncategorized

Square Peg

Posted on by Dede

That’s me, the square peg who has tried for more than 50 years to fit in a round hole. I’ve never been able to make it work. And now living in a place forced upon me by financial poverty, I find it’s even more difficult to fit in.

I don’t think it’s impossible for me to have whittled and carved myself so I would fit into a round hole but in order to do that, I would have needed an idea of what I was supposed to be.  As I’ve said before I never really dreamed of being anything except a wife, mother, mother-in-law and eventually grandmother. 

It’s as though I’m lost in a great wide ocean just drifting about with no place to drop anchor. I can’t drift forever but I belong nowhere. There is no place for me to fit in or call home anymore.

Posted in choices, family, friends, Uncategorized

Resistant to Change

Posted on by Dede

It takes thousands of years of wind, rain and sun to change the earth. There is clear evidence those elements made their mark on the rock formations above. These are in New Mexico. They have been altered but they didn’t move. The wind and water had to go around, over, under or through the rock. It may or may not be smooth to the touch but it appears so.

What I find most difficult about personal change isn’t actually changing, it’s getting those closest to you to accept the “new” you. Of course they encourage you to lose weight and exercise but when you do, you’re told that you are too concerned with how you look and getting old.

When you try to be a better listener and not talk, they say great. But when faced with the “new” you, they ask multiple times is everything okay because you’re so quiet.

If you mention wanting to learn something new or pursue something different, you are given support until you actually do it. Then it’s, I didn’t know you had the knack for that or that’s not very practical.

When you decide you won’t allow people to mistreat you or speak disrespectfully to you, everyone says good for you. Until you stand up to them and then it’s your taking the other side or who do you think you are now?

You want to be more outgoing, meet new people and have fun. Again that’s great! Then when you do, it’s you’re too old for that or I need you and you’re not available.

Change, real long term change is hard, really, really hard. And when we actually step out in faith, and do the hard work to make lasting change the support of those closest to us is important. However when we change ourselves, it forces changes in those around us. Maybe the change isn’t noticeable, but usually when we make a difficult change it causes a ripple in the water, a bump in someone’s road. People don’t like that. They say they are supportive but it usually turns out they are supportive until it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for them.

Ask yourself, are you truly being supportive of someone you love make a big change in his/her life? Or do you pull back when it suddenly becomes uncomfortable for you.

Posted in divorce, Uncategorized

September 11th 

Posted on by Dede

I had just said goodbye to my husband (now ex), as he was leaving to go to work. He was in his uniform and heading to the airport. He was and still is a captain for AA. As he was walking out of the door, the plane hit the tower. I yelled at him to come back in.

Needless to say he didn’t go to work that day. Our world was shaken like so many. Two days later I drove him to DFW so he could fly from Dallas-Fort Worth to Oklahoma City. He had one passenger on the flight. The airport was a ghost town. There were no security bars on the cockpit door that day or for many months to come.

What so many people forget is the first lives lost were those of the flight attendants and pilots. Certainly their throats must have been slit as they sat strapped into their seats. Flying an airplane had never been an easy job. Now a new level of danger was added to the already difficult job.

My ex’s mental health suffered after that day and he has never regained what I consider a balanced mindset. Heavy drinking, prostitutes, porn, erotic massage parlors, fear of terrorists, job security as the airline industry suffered all led to the destruction of our marriage. We were just another casualty of 9/11.

Posted in daughters, Experience, family, life, love, Uncategorized

Freedom for those we love

Posted on by Dede


“We have to live our own lives. We have to give freedom to those we love.” Ross Poldark in Angry Tide by Winston Graham

Ross makes this comment as he and his wife leave their children behind as they head to London. Demelza is sad upon leaving the children at home and Ross reminds her that before she knows it the children will be leaving her.

As a parent we all must face the moment when we know our children are adults and independent. It’s bittersweet because you want them to grow up, live their lives and be happy but you will forever miss your babies. I think that is one reason as a parent it is sometimes difficult to step back when they are adults and let them find their way. In our eyes they are still our babies. As a mother there is always this overwhelming desire you fight to keep them children.

I always knew my children would grow up and go out on their own, making their way in the world. What I never thought about was the first statement Ross makes. We have to live our own lives. I forgot in those years as a mother and wife I needed to make a life of my own separate from them. It is even more true now that I am divorced. I never thought about being anyone other than a wife and mother. It is much more challenging than I anticipated to find my own way in the world. I feel like the one who has had adulthood thrust upon her unexpectedly.

I know my passion but the question is can I make a living? Can I support myself? Do I have the discipline needed to focus and make it work? That is yet to be determined

Posted in depression, Faith, Health, Uncategorized

Reflection

Posted on by Dede

Have you ever caught a glimpse of a reflection in a mirror and wonder who it was only to realize you were looking at yourself? That happened to me today. I didn’t like what I saw. How had I completely stopped taking care of myself? There was no evidence of joy. I looked unhealthy and sad. I have allowed almost four years of my life to be wasted. Wasted in depression and sorrow over a toxic relationship.

I think it’s taken all of this time to shake free of the torment and hold my ex had over me. He had trained me never to trust my own decisions and choices. He convinced me no one would ever want me and I’d never get a job. And guess what? I let those lies determine how I spent my time, but no more.

Depression is an ongoing battle which I don’t think is ever cured. It’s more like a disease in remission or an ugly monster which is locked away but manages to rear its ugly head every now and then. So I do anticipate having to continue this battle but I know I will ultimately win the war and find joy and contentment.

Posted in daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, family, Moving, relationships, Uncategorized

Was I hit by a Semi-truck?

Posted on by Dede

I don’t know if you can tell from the photo but I’ve been sleeping on a very small and uncomfortable sofa for the last two days. I helped move my daughter to the LA area. I helped load the truck. I drove the truck and then helped carry boxes up to the second floor apartment. Thankfully she moved no furniture.

Without going into details the room she’s subletting and the apartment were filthy. She said, “Mom, how can people live like this?” I don’t know but working as a real estate agent a few years ago, I learned never to be surprised what was behind closed doors. So rather than unload the truck first thing, the next few hours were spent making the room clean enough to even begin. Once we unloaded the truck, I thought I had been hit by a semi. I don’t remember the last time I ached so much.

Then we ran a few errands including buying paint. When we returned I promptly set about painting the orange and blue room a soft gray. More unpacking and cleaning, finally crashing about midnight on the sofa.

The next day we made an IKEA stop, along with half of LA followed by Walmart then we set about assembling a bookcase. The room needed more cleaning. A lot was accomplished including cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. Hopefully we will finish up today because I fly out of LAX this evening.

Maybe it’s the physical, emotional and mental fatigue which has caused the nightmares to return. They not only make for a poor night’s sleep but I awake feeling depressed and disheartened. I return to spend another week with my family and will go to chemo on Thursday. I will manage to see three high school friends before my cat and I hit the road again for two long days.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughters as long as I am able to help. I no longer have the ability to help financially even with anything small need. I wonder if their father, who acts as those they were never born, realizes he is missing out on the lives of two incredible women and the love of the three of us. Praying the nightmares leave so I don’t wake up feeling so down.