When most of us think of fatigue we think in terms of body fatigue. We’ve worked hard or exercised or chased after children or played a game of basketball, any number of things can make us feel tired.
But what about soul fatigue. What about a weariness that seems so deep into your heart and soul you can’t find a way out? How long does it take to become that weary? Like everything in life it’s different for everyone. For me it’s now. It’s three years and four months post divorce. It’s 17 years post the police calling the house looking for my ex because he had need positively identified as a peeping tom. It’s 15 years post learning my ex was viewing rape porn. It’s 10 years post being ignored and treated rudely in my own home by my ex father in law while my drunk ex let it happen. It’s 7 years post confession of ex admitting he uses prostitites. And of course since the beginning of my marriage in 1982 there was the use of pornography and strip clubs purchasing nude lap dances.
No wonder I’m depressed and hopeless. What kind of person would allow someone to treat her that way? I had faith God would heal him. I had faith God would heal our marriage. I had faith God wouldn’t desert me post divorce. I had faith God would lead me to a job. I had faith God would lead me to new friends. I had faith God would lead me to a new life. And most of all I had faith God would see to it that my ex husband suffered for all the pain he caused.
Well My faith proved to be useless. God has blessed my ex over and over. For me? Nothing. He’s turned his back on me. Guess I deserve it because I accepted the fact I was worthless.