Author: Dede

I am always learning something new about life. My life is made richer by friends, family, travel, experiences, books and hobbies.
Posted in life

And So it Begins

Posted on by Dede

I find I move forward best when I have a plan. Where do I begin to make a plan for the rest of my life? I decided first I should make an outline and group ideas together before I created specific steps to move forward.

Remembering my Joys

One aspect that of the last nine years is forgetting what brought me joy. I’m specifically referring to activities I did which made me happy. The first step is my journey is to remember what I did. It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes we bury memories deep but for now this is what I’ve identified.

1. Sewing

2. Baking

3. Reading

4. Writing

5. Travel

6. Entertaining in my home.

7. Learning French

My next step is to recall why I loved these activities, why I stopped them and what is blocking me from beginning again.

Posted in life

A Forced Stop

Posted on by Dede

Summer 2022 began with a surprise. I broke my arm. Not a normal break between the elbow and wrist, but a proximal humerus break. Where is that? Its right where your arm meets your shoulder. I have never felt that kind of pain. It was intense. Due to location of the break a cast was not possible. No one came to help me. I was on my own. Groceries were delivered. A shower wasn’t possible for over a week. Not a good time.

During this forced idleness, it occurred to me, wasting time had become my way of life. Due to unexpected life changes over 9 years ago, I removed myself from truly living a full life. Now I must work 10 hours a day then I come home to a microwavable dinner and TV. The weekend are chores and nothing more. All the time I was recuperating, I was frustrated because I couldn’t do more and then light bulb moment, I realized this was what I had been doing for over 9 years. Nothing! I have had a few highlights in those 9 years which have given me wonderful memories. For the most part though, I’ve given up those things that I love.

It is time to change. While I can’t regain those lost years, I can make a plan, a flexible plan to reengage with life. To rediscover the activities I love. The first step is to blog again and document my progress, so in a year, 5 years, and more I can look back and see my progress.

So come with me, inspire me and find joy with me.

Posted in life

Where do I belong?

Posted on by Dede

Did you know the average American moves 11 times in their lifetime. I’ve moved 18 times with 5 of those being in the last 8 years. Those five moves happened because of divorce. I am now living in a town I’d never have chosen but due to finances I can not leave.

I believe every place has something to offer but after five years of living here, I’ve been unable to figure out what this place offers beyond a job and cheap living. I came here originally because my daughter and her husband lived here. But they moved 1,636 miles to the east with their son. My other daughter was already living 1,410 miles to the west.

I ask myself now where do I belong. It’s definitely not here but where?Neither of my daughters commit to staying where they are which is understandable considering Americans don’t stay in one place.

Having no family nearby and nearing retirement (hopefully in 3 years), I’ve begun asking myself what will I do? Where will I go? Since my divorce I have felt homeless. Not in the sense that I haven’t had a place to live, but in the sense I have no longer have roots, a community.

So what do I do? I have no idea. I keep praying I’ll have an epiphany and know. Until then I’ll remain restless wondering if I’ll find a place where I will feel at home.

Posted in life

Your Fantastic Mind

Posted on by Dede

I just finished watching Your Fantastic Mind on PBS. It was eye opening. It was all about preventing dementia.

And upon watching this show I realized that post divorce I’ve allowed myself to fall into some bad habits all which increase my risk for dementia.

The two biggest for me are:

Being physically inactive

Being socially isolated

Those two things I have complete control over. Which I think is good news!

Doing things you love are also supposed to help and I’ve been bad about engaging in some favorite hobbies using all sorts of excuses. Again the good news is I have control over whether I start again.

Also good news is learning a new skill or language, helps prevent and slow down dementia. I’ve spent years working on my French and now I’m using Duolingo to learn Norwegian.

So while many will feel this might be bad news, I don’t agree. I’m excited I can make the changes in my life so I can continue to enjoy it to the fullest.

Posted in life

525600 minutes

Posted on by Dede

Recently I heard the song from Rent, Seasons of Love and this time I really listened to the words. There is a line which says “525,000 journeys to plan”. Something clicked and I asked myself do I or have I ever planned my life journey on a daily basis.

I have of course planned days and weeks and my life but more in the to do list sense. Married check, buy a house check, have kids check, be a good mom etc. But planning my life with ideas of how to broaden and enhance it rarely made it on the list.

I can’t say I’ve ever been in touch with my “authentic self”. In fact I’ve never really even understood that term. However I do believe I sold myself short for most of my life, never really believing in my abilities.

When I divorced I was devastated but thanks to God because he has given me a 2nd chance to rewrite my story. As I write this post, I am sitting outside with the children I keep 50 plus hours a week. Why is that significant? Because I feared I’d have no purpose and joy after the big D and here I am very happy and very loved.

I’ve begun planning my journeys which doesn’t mean trips. It means exploring myself, the world and people around me and always learn new things.

Here are a few journeys I put on my list:

1. Practice French more often

2. Learn a language other than French. (Currently it’s Norwegian).

3. Stop self criticizing what I do and how I look.

Posted in life

525,600 minutes

Posted on by Dede

Recently I heard the song from Rent, Seasons of Love and this time I really listened to the words. There is a line which says “525,000 journeys to plan”. Something clicked and I asked myself do I or have I ever planned my life journey on a daily basis.

I have of course planned days and weeks and my life but more in the to do list sense. Married check, buy a house check, have kids check, be a good mom etc. But planning my life with ideas of how to broaden and enhance it rarely made it on the list.

My new journey

I can’t say I’ve ever been in touch with my “authentic self”. In fact I’ve never really even understood that term. However I do believe I sold myself short for most of my life, never really believing in my abilities.

When I divorced I was devastated but I thank God, because he has given me a 2nd chance to rewrite my story. As I write this post, I am sitting outside with the children I keep 50 plus hours a week. Why is that significant? Because I feared I’d have no purpose and joy after the big D and here I am very happy and very loved.

I’ve begun planning my journeys which doesn’t mean trips. It means exploring myself, the world and people around me and always learn new things.

Here are a few journeys I put on my list:

1. Practice French more often

2. Learn a language other than French. (Currently it’s Norwegian).

3. Stop self criticizing what I do and how I look.

4. I’ve always practiced gratitude but this time it will be focused on whatever can’t be bought.

So here’s to this first 525600 minute journey.

Posted in divorce, Dreaming, family, Goal, life, summer, Uncategorized

It’s a beginning

Posted on by Dede

The landscapers came and it is a small beginning in a long process. I found out today that the man who was building my patio cover bailed on me. I am not happy. I must now begin the process of finding someone else and hopefully I can afford them.

The raised bed has no soil so that is my next project. I’ll keep it simple and try tomatoes once I have soil in.

It’s been raining a lot which normally would be a downer but with all my new plants and trees the rain is a blessing.

Some times I think about the what if’s of life especially when it comes to seeing my grandchildren. It is then and only then I wish things were different. And pray that I can retire sooner rather than later.

Posted in Faith

Finding Joy Again

Posted on by Dede

Graduation

When I found myself divorced, I became very depressed. I honestly believed God had forgotten me and that I’d never find joy in my life again. I was unemployed for 4.5 years. I was living off of a rapidly dwindling 401k. And while countless people offered advice on finding a job, no matter what type of job I applied for, I wouldn’t get any response. And trust me I tried the most basic, hourly wage jobs to things for which I’d be better suited. Nothing.

I decided I needed to move closer to my eldest daughter because she lived in a very affordable city. Depression came with me and so did the tears. I really didn’t see a way out of my situation beyond moving in with my daughter or mother. And then a miracle happened.

My daughter was working as a nanny, part-time and her employers needed someone for the two extra days. I jumped at the chance because the small amount of money, would help me stay afloat. I had no idea I was about to fall in love.

From day one of caring for APL, my depression began to lift. It wasn’t so heavy. There was sunshine instead of dark clouds. Several months after starting, my daughter left to have my first grandson and chose not to return to work. So now I was the full-time care provider for this sweet boy.

I tell him God knew I needed him and sent me to this town so I could take care of him. He was 16 months old when I began and soon will be 6 and heading to first grade. Just like with my own kids, the time has flown.

While from time to time, my depression returns, it leaves quickly and is never as severe. Two more children have been added to my employer’s family and with it more joy.

I should have trusted God. He knew what he was doing the entire time.

Posted in life

Long Time Away

Posted on by Dede

I didn’t realize it had been a year since I posted anything on my blog. With all the time alone, it would have been easy to write about something, anything at all but I found it much too easy to do nothing. Which sadly, has been my excuse for several years now, post divorce to plan nothing.

My Current Backyard

The title of my blog is LifeRewritten because as many people do, I had a life plan. My ex and I had even discussed vacations where we’d take our future grandkids. And trips we would enjoy together. Alas those dreams will not happen. I started this blog to work through my emotions and now it is time to start actually writing those new chapters.

First: buy a house which I did May 2019. Two years have flown by and I am beginning a new project. I have a small, shallow, wide backyard. After two years of contemplating do I or don’t I spend the money to do something to it, I decided to take the plunge.

I had several landscapers come out but they didn’t give much direction and the cost was astronomical for very few plants. So I researched on the internet and read my trusty Neil Sperry Texas Garden book. I drew countless arrangements of plants and trees. I finally decided on a general plan and on May 29th, the work begins. I’ll need to add many more plants once this initial work is completed.

And while promised by the end of May, I am not as hopeful for my new patio cover. A previous owner had a sunscreen hung as a patio cover. The ice storm ripped it down and now I am having a new one built. The builder promised me by the end of May, but now he says he is in the middle of a house remodel. I am not happy, but I am committed to this builder now.

The first chapter of a LifeRewritten begun in May 2019 when I bought my house. I didn’t add too many pages but it’s time to start writing the future again.

Posted in life

Cooped up

Posted on by Dede

I know many of you, most of you are tired of being stuck at home with your family. Maybe it’s just you and your partner, you and your kids, or maybe you even have extended family who lives with you. You must feel the walls closing in.

But for many of us, we live alone. There is no one there to get into your space, annoy you, make demands on you or hold you. Being alone all the time isn’t healthy. Humans are made for companionship. We need hugs. We need closeness. And there is no one there.

It’s beginning to wear on me. While I still work during the day, so I have contact with some people, I have no family. Not a single one of my family lives nearby. The closest one lives 1,243 miles away. Being far apart is difficult enough and add a pandemic on top it sucks!

So the next time someone you love is annoying you, remember it’s a blessing!

Posted in life

The Player Next Door by K.A. Tucker – Review

Posted on by Dede

K.A. Tucker’s THE PLAYER NEXT DOOR is available now! This one definitely has a different feel from Tucker’s other novels…

The Player Next Door by K.A. Tucker – Review
Posted in life

Dear Emmie Blue by Lia Louis – Review

Posted on by Dede

Have you ever started a book and realized you have picked it up at just the right time? This happened to me with DEAR EMMIE BLUE. I was in quite a …

Dear Emmie Blue by Lia Louis – Review
Posted in life

Hidden message in Frozen?

Posted on by Dede

Frozen is a successful animated movie focusing on 2 sisters. I know Elsa took the world by storm and everyone loves her. But I love Anna because it’s through her we see an example of Christ like love.

Anna, has had a life of being rejected by Elsa with no idea why. While Elsa is aware of why she has shut herself away, she leaves Anna to mourn the loss of their parents alone and to grow up alone with no explanation. Elsa made a choice which altered Anna’s life.

Elsa was bitter that she had this ice power. She was angry and she was scared. Did she choose to ask her sister for help? Or did she choose to hide from her fear.

When Elsa finally comes out of hiding, her sister, Anna could have been angry for being abandoned and ignored by her sister, but she wasn’t. Just like God welcoming a sinner to faith, Anna welcomes her sister with unconditional acceptance and love. In fact she is overjoyed but Elsa continues to focus on herself and her fears.

Then when Elsa loses control she doesn’t ask for help. She RUNS away. Don’t most of us want to run away in the midst of a struggle? Some of us do run but some of us are like Anna, who in my mind is the real heroine and star of the show.

Anna isn’t upset Elsa has powers to freeze. She’s upset because her sister chose to run away and not face it together. And does Anna say good riddance, my sister left me to grieve alone, grow up alone with no explanation and now leaves me again? No. Anna puts her own safety aside and goes in pursuit of her sister, Elsa.

Anna fights the elements which includes massive amounts of snow, high mountains, wild wolves, a harrowing sleigh ride, frozen clothing and a quirky man. She realizes she can’t rescue Elsa alone. Anna asks for help. Anna doesn’t give up and return home. She fights on for her sister even though Elsa gave Anna a fatal blow which even the trolls can’t heal. Anna’s heart is frozen by Elsa.

Elsa doesn’t return of her own accord. She ends up imprisoned again putting Anna’s life at risk because she refused to come home. Even as Anna is dying, she stands between her sister and death so Elsa could live. In the end Anna is frozen and it isn’t until that moment, Elsa recognizes the sacrifice Her sister has made. Love breaks through and saves not just Anna but Elsa too.

Isn’t that like our relationship with God? We hide. We run. We try and cover up our sins. We refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. We don’t want to face consequences. God like Anna doesn’t refuse us or turn us away but He pursues us. He pursues us with a relentless love. And ultimately sacrifices His own son, Jesus so we can live. It’s an unconditional love. Anna loved Elsa unconditionally giving her life so her sister could live. Who knew theology could be found in Frozen?

Posted in life

Making it my Own

Posted on by Dede

I have begun the slow process of making the house my own. My daughter and family leave on the 14th and I’ll have 3 weeks to hopefully accomplish a lot.

I have spent I think $75 on paint samples. Not sure why selecting colors is always so difficult. I had hoped to keep the dark navy blue In the living/dining area but in the end I decided it would always seem like my daughter’s house unless I changed the colors.

So here is my ‘get it done’ list before the movers come for my furniture mid July.

1- paint the living/dining room

2-prime and paint kitchen cabinets

3-replace kitchen flooring and one bedroom flooring*

4-add backsplash

5-paint kitchen walls

6-new sink, faucet, countertops installed.*

7-new appliances delivered and installed*

8-paint Old kitchen hutch purchased on Craigslist

9-lay sod in backyard*

And those are the things I remember. I’m certain I’m forgetting something. With a 50 hour work week I won’t have lots of free time so focus is imperative.

Wish me luck. I’ll post photos as I begin this coming weekend.

Dede

Posted in life

And So it Begins

Posted on by Dede

I closed on my house May 23rd. I bought my daughter’s and son-in-law’s house and no I didn’t get it for a deal. I paid current market value. Even though we closed last week, they don’t leave for their new home in Pennsylvania until June 15th. It’s going to be a bittersweet day. They move faraway and I get my own home.

My plan is to rent a cargo van and move as stuff as I can in 2 days so I stay occupied and don’t dwell on the fact they aren’t coming back. It’s going to hot because this is Texas. Hopefully I don’t melt and quit too early.

I’ve moved six times in the last 7.5 years so avoiding packing is a big goal. The plan is to just load stuff and drop it off and repeat.

Another challenge is making it my own. It may take awhile not to think of it as my daughter’s home. Having new floors put in the kitchen and one bedroom hopefully will help. New appliances arrive late June. My weekends will be spent painting cabinets and walls. A lawn crew will work in the yard and I have a contractor doing a few odd jobs. My actual move in date is mid-July which I do have movers.

As I sat signing all the papers at the closing, my heart felt both joy and sadness. Until now every home I have ever owned was purchased with my now ex-husband and it was a reminder I’m on my own now. The joy was knowing I accomplished this on my own and life can be good post divorce.

Most of all God is good. He never left me even at my lowest point. I honestly didn’t believe I’d ever have my own home again but He knew differently. Praise Jesus.

Posted in divorce, Faith, God, life, Moving

An Adventure Begins

Posted on by Dede

IMG_0886

God is Good! When I found myself divorced 6.5 years ago, I believed I would never own a home again. I couldn’t find a job. I was living off a quickly depleting 401K and felt utterly unrooted and that was the key. It wasn’t that I hated renting, but it gave me the feeling of impermanence. Prior to the divorce, I had lived in the same community for almost 30 years. Now in 6.5 years I have made 5 moves. Never underestimate God.

After trying to qualify for a mortgage a few years ago, I felt it was a lost cause. Then I decided to try again at the first of this year. The mortgage broker with whom I spoke, told me I could NOT qualify. It was heartbreaking. Then a dear friend told me to try someone else so I did. After giving him my information, he said I could qualify!! I couldn’t believe my ears. In fact I am not certain I believed, until I received the CLEAR TO CLOSE email in my inbox. I’ll be closing the end of May and moving in mid-July. I’ll have no help but somehow I’ll manage.

Upon seeing that email, I began to cry. They were tears of joy but my heart was and still is full of so many emotions. Gratefulness, happiness, joy, coupled with fear and sadness. Why fear and why sadness? My daughter and her family are moving 1,635 miles away to the East. My younger daughter lives 1,412 miles to the West. According to google maps they are 2,711 miles apart. And this will be the first time in my entire life, I have lived with no family or close friends nearby.

Being alone, not living alone, but having no one near to call on in an emergency scares me. I’ll be alone on all major holidays except Christmas. I won’t be there when my daughter has her 2nd child in November. With a 50 hours per week job and not a lot of extra money, the ability to travel to see them is and will be very limited. And that doesn’t include trying to see my 82 yr old mother and sister who live 1,242 miles away.

But God is good and I will never underestimate Him again. If this is where He wants me to live and work, then I will accept it and find joy. As I approach my 60th birthday, it is ever more evident that life doesn’t roll along like a slow paced creek, but it rushes by like river rapids. There is no time to waste. I have to get onboard and go for the ride.

Posted in life

Loss and Moving on

Posted on by Dede

There are all types of loss. Some, like the loss of child, stay with you forever. You may get through it but your never get over it. And knowing people who have been through that nightmare, I’m embarrassed to talk about my loss. Which by comparison is small, unimportant. But I’ve learned in counseling that comparing does no one any good. Now we all know how important it is not to compare our lives with others, but I think most of us think of it terms of good things. As in their life is going better than mine, their house is bigger, she is prettier etc. But we can deny ourselves the opportunity to work through our own loss, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others.

That was me. My friend had lost her daughter in a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. I had been through a heart breaking and life altering divorce. I told myself my loss was unimportant and I should be thankful for my life.

The thing is I beat myself up every time I felt depressed because of my situation because I told myself I didn’t have the right to be sad and heartbroken. I mean no one died. I spent the next few years buried in a deep depression which came close to costing me my own life. God must have been with me that fateful day because I am still here.

I still feel my loss everyday. Not all day, but a day doesn’t go by that I don’t feel twinge of what if. Most days it lasts for a split second but every now and then it’ll come and stay with me for the entire day. I do my best.

The one loss I haven’t been able to work through is my loss of interest in life in general. I used to have so many things I was interested in. I liked to sew, read, write, learn French, entertain, take photos and learn new things. Now I come home after work and sit on my sofa until bedtime. Then I repeat it the next day. On the weekend, I do the same but I manage church and a quick stop for a few groceries.

I’m worried if I can’t shake this apathy, my severe depression will return. Is there a prayer because I’ve been praying for years and little has changed.

Posted in divorce, Dreaming, family, life, seasons

One year to 60

Posted on by Dede

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When I wake up tomorrow, I will be 59. I can’t believe I’ve arrived here so quickly. One day I went to bed 35 years old and now I am staring down 60. I am grateful for another birthday because growing old isn’t a privilege everyone gets.

It would be nice if the days and years would slow down. I’d like the time to dream again and figure out what I want in my future. In less than a year I’ll have one daughter on the West Coast and one daughter with her family living back East. Due to financial reasons I will be staying behind in central Texas. I pray I’ll be able to afford to take the time off to see those I love so much. My heart breaks at the thought of living here alone.

It is impossible to know how much devastation divorce can cause until it happens to you. It is time to start finding my way again so when 60 does arrive, I’m ready.

 

Posted in life

Blue Haired Ladies

Posted on by Dede

Depending on how old you are, you might remember the ladies with blue hair. Typically they were older, had gray or silver hair and they used a hair rinse which was intended to enhance their hair color.

But it always seemed to turn their hair a light shade of blue. Sometimes the light had to be just right to see the blue, but it was there.

Now that I’ve decided to go to my natural color (silver, gray and white), I wanted to get a jump on the blue hair. I’ve had gray hair since my twenties, white hair beginning in my forties. Now in my late fifties, I’m gonna give the natural look a try.

So power to the blue haired ladies. I’m coming to join you.

Posted in life, Mail

Addiction to Amazon???

Posted on by Dede

Can a person be addicted to Amazon deliveries because I think I am. It’s so easy to sit and peruse Amazon while the boys are napping. And before I know it, I’ve made a purchase. Usually it’s nothing expensive. Almost always it’s a book.

But I have noticed when the delivery man makes a delivery, I’m a little let down when it’s not for me. I’m working on breaking this habit of the thrill I get when the package arrives.

Does anyone else have this problem or am I a lone wolf?

PS I don’t randomly order from other sites, nor do I go shopping much. It’s just Amazon.