Posted in daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, family, Moving, relationships, Uncategorized

Was I hit by a Semi-truck?

I don’t know if you can tell from the photo but I’ve been sleeping on a very small and uncomfortable sofa for the last two days. I helped move my daughter to the LA area. I helped load the truck. I drove the truck and then helped carry boxes up to the second floor apartment. Thankfully she moved no furniture.

Without going into details the room she’s subletting and the apartment were filthy. She said, “Mom, how can people live like this?” I don’t know but working as a real estate agent a few years ago, I learned never to be surprised what was behind closed doors. So rather than unload the truck first thing, the next few hours were spent making the room clean enough to even begin. Once we unloaded the truck, I thought I had been hit by a semi. I don’t remember the last time I ached so much.

Then we ran a few errands including buying paint. When we returned I promptly set about painting the orange and blue room a soft gray. More unpacking and cleaning, finally crashing about midnight on the sofa.

The next day we made an IKEA stop, along with half of LA followed by Walmart then we set about assembling a bookcase. The room needed more cleaning. A lot was accomplished including cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. Hopefully we will finish up today because I fly out of LAX this evening.

Maybe it’s the physical, emotional and mental fatigue which has caused the nightmares to return. They not only make for a poor night’s sleep but I awake feeling depressed and disheartened. I return to spend another week with my family and will go to chemo on Thursday. I will manage to see three high school friends before my cat and I hit the road again for two long days.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughters as long as I am able to help. I no longer have the ability to help financially even with anything small need. I wonder if their father, who acts as those they were never born, realizes he is missing out on the lives of two incredible women and the love of the three of us. Praying the nightmares leave so I don’t wake up feeling so down.

Posted in depression, Faith, questions, Uncategorized

Prayer


I am reading Timothy Keller’s book “Prayer”. I am hoping it will help me understand how to pray and how to recognize God’s voice. Now I’m not expecting God’s voice like Moses heard it. I’m expecting to hear it as still, small voice. But these last few years, I’ve struggled with faith and staying steadfast.

Someone I love has received a diagnosis of cancer. The future holds chemo, hair loss, radiation and hope to be cancer free. I’ve already lost my marriage. I’m still unemployed with only enough money for a few more months. My youngest is unsettled trying to find a new path. My oldest is unsure whether to start a family when there is only enough money to squeak by. Of course things could be worse, but I want to see God working in my life. I want to hear his voice and know his will.

I do know I allowed sorrow and depression to rob me of what once was a vibrant prayer life. Just like anything good for you which you e given up, it takes a concerted effort to get back on track. I’m about halfway through the book. All I can do is one step at a time.