change – My life on an unexpected path

Resistant to Change

Posted on September 13, 2016 by Dede

It takes thousands of years of wind, rain and sun to change the earth. There is clear evidence those elements made their mark on the rock formations above. These are in New Mexico. They have been altered but they didn’t move. The wind and water had to go around, over, under or through the rock. It may or may not be smooth to the touch but it appears so.

What I find most difficult about personal change isn’t actually changing, it’s getting those closest to you to accept the “new” you. Of course they encourage you to lose weight and exercise but when you do, you’re told that you are too concerned with how you look and getting old.

When you try to be a better listener and not talk, they say great. But when faced with the “new” you, they ask multiple times is everything okay because you’re so quiet.

If you mention wanting to learn something new or pursue something different, you are given support until you actually do it. Then it’s, I didn’t know you had the knack for that or that’s not very practical.

When you decide you won’t allow people to mistreat you or speak disrespectfully to you, everyone says good for you. Until you stand up to them and then it’s your taking the other side or who do you think you are now?

You want to be more outgoing, meet new people and have fun. Again that’s great! Then when you do, it’s you’re too old for that or I need you and you’re not available.

Change, real long term change is hard, really, really hard. And when we actually step out in faith, and do the hard work to make lasting change the support of those closest to us is important. However when we change ourselves, it forces changes in those around us. Maybe the change isn’t noticeable, but usually when we make a difficult change it causes a ripple in the water, a bump in someone’s road. People don’t like that. They say they are supportive but it usually turns out they are supportive until it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for them.

Ask yourself, are you truly being supportive of someone you love make a big change in his/her life? Or do you pull back when it suddenly becomes uncomfortable for you.

divorce, Faith, family, life, Uncategorized

10 years

Posted on August 17, 2016 by Dede

My life has changed in major ways in the last 10 years. I became an empty nester, a mother-in-law, and a divorcée. I’ve been a hospital patient, a surgical patient and have become a woman whose childbearing days are over. I’ve moved six times and filled out thousands of job applications. I’ve lost my father, watched a family member fight a rare type of cancer twice and win and I have learned someone else I love is fighting cancer. I’ve fought depression at every turn. I’ve seen my daughters’ father and his family treat them as though they never existed and I’ve watched them persevere through it becoming better women because of it. It has been a crazy and an emotionally and physically challenging 10 years. I’ve experienced some highs, my daughter’s marriage, my youngest college graduation, my oldest getting a master degree. I watched my son-in-law take the Hippocratic oath and become a doctor. I saw my youngest brave a year living abroad. I’ve also experienced the worst years of my life in the last ten years.

They say nothing in life is guaranteed. I’d disagree. You can always be guaranteed life will not stay the same. There will be periods of highs and lows with lots of nothing much happening times. I know I am ready for a change in my life. It’s as though I can feel it coming. I just pray it’s a change for the good.

depression, Dreaming, Experience, Uncategorized

Fear of Happiness

Posted on May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 by Dede

Everyone recognizes the universal symbol for happiness, the yellow happy face. I’ve been reading articles about the fear of happiness. I’ve often wondered if I am afraid to be happy again and if so why?

I’m afraid the happiness won’t be real. It will only be illusion. My life experience consists of giving love to an illusion. My happiness was an illusion. I don’t trust myself now to recognize what happiness is. I understand happiness isn’t a perpetual state of nothing ever going wrong but I thought I was happy. Now looking back, especially when I look at old photos I can easily see I lack the spark of happiness. It makes me sad. Will I make the same mistake again?

I know I spend too much time worried about what other people think. It keeps me inhibited. It makes relaxing difficult and I miss out on enjoying the moment. I could give a long list of reasons why I worry but ultimately none of them matter. The only thing which matters is I am missing out on fully embracing life.

I found a new app for my phone. It is called You. It is free and it speaks of micro actions. They are very small steps you take towards making changes in your life. There are prompts. You can follow people. I’m going to do my best to make micro actions and ultimately change my life in a big way.

Blogging, choices, depression, family, fear, New life, Uncategorized

What drives your choices?

Posted on May 2, 2016 by Dede

Over these past few months, my counselor and I have discussed the choices I made in the past. He assures me I made the best choices for survival at the time. While that may be true, I have wondered what was behind the choices I made beside just surviving. And I had a personal revelation. Most, if not all, of my poor choices were driven out of a fear of rejection.

My life, prior to now, was not a journey driven by a confident woman. The driving force of my life was the fear of rejection and humiliation. My life was in a constant state of unbalance. Every time the person I was trying to please changed his/her mind, I had to rush to make sure my decision still made them happy. If it didn’t, then I needed to quickly make a change. By allowing my fear to drive my choices, I never built a strong sense of who I am and what makes me happy. I didn’t speak up. I kept my hurt feelings to myself out of fear of upsetting the other person. I pretended their words didn’t hurt my feelings. I raced around like mad when relatives were coming to visit and the stayed in a state of apprehension and fear. Why? Because I was eaten up with worry, I would be a disappointment. The ironic thing is I always felt as though I was a disappointment. Even if everything went smoothly and everyone was happy, I still felt like a failure because I always believed I could have done better or it was just a matter of time people would see the “real” me, the failure.

It is not always easy to be honest. It is not always easy to make a decision which goes against the tide (or family or friends or children). A person needs inner strength not to waver when a decision is questioned. So much of my life would be different if I had not been driven by the fear of rejection. I battle the fear of rejection and being alone every day. I take on the role of scapegoat. Pointing the finger of blame at myself calms my fear of someone else doing it and humiliating me. It gives me a sense of control when I assume everything is my fault. Sadly it doesn’t provide much opportunity for joy and peace in my life.

Change isn’t easy but it is worth the effort. Change has been a bumpy road. Change has challenged in ways I never anticipated. Change is scary. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. There is a reason “misery loves company” is universally understood. While I might be miserable, it is what I know and having you join me in what I know is less frightening than me leaving my miserable comfort zone.

communication, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, fear, forgiveness, God, Health, help, love, marriage, men, mistakes, New life, Uncategorized, WordPress

Addiction Intervention

Posted on January 3, 2016 by Dede

I watched A&E’s tv show Intervention. It focuses on drug addicts that agree to do a documentary but in the end there is an intervention. Two things stood out to me while watching the show:
1st: I missed multiple opportunities to insist on intervention with my ex-husband and his addictions. Had I been honest with myself and my friends from the first time the police called, there might have been a chance to save him and save our marriage. But instead just like some of the family members on the tv show, I chose to ignore the seriousness of his addictions and how destructive they were and still are.

2nd: I saw too many silimaritirs between drug addiction and the way it destroys families and my depression. I don’t drink or use drugs but I’ve allowed my depression to become an addiction. I’ve taken steps to get help and I’m slowly getting better. But seeing first hand how heartbroken the families are watching their loved ones suffer and how much suffering it causes them made me realize I have to fight harder.

I have to fight every second of every day to forgive myself for allowing my ex-husband to mentally and emotionally abuse me. I have to fight to forgive myself for not leaving. I have to forgive myself for disappointing my daughters.

I have wonderful girls. They make me proud and happy everyday. They along with my son-in-law have stood by me. They have been strong and stood up to their father and refused to accept his behavior and his failure to admit his addictions and how he has hurt our family. They’ve also been strong and stood up to me and told me they know I can do better, be better and be happier.

All I can do is face the reality of my situation and fight my way back. I never deserved to be treated the way I was. I never deserved to be disrespected, ignored or cheated on. I deserve so much more.

Blogging, choices, communication, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, fear, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, Writing 201

Words for me

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Dede

You never know when you read someone’s blog how it will you. The past few years of my life have been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. My desperation drove me to the brink of death. My therapist has been telling me God has led me to this loin and this place to heal, to heal my heart and build a new life. Below is a repost of my old Pastor’s Blog. His words are wise and so true.

Are You Ready for God to Change Your Plans? Luke 1:28–29 (ESV) And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. Are you ready for God to change your plans?

Blogging, choices, daily prompt, divorce, Experience, fear, friendship, marriage, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

A Map as my Muse

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Dede

How many of us choose our destiny? We definitely play a role in our lives and what happens, but so much is out of our control.

Would I be different if my parents had never moved me at the age of 9 from Oklahoma to Minnesota therefore preventing the teasing which tore at my sense of value? I still hear the laughter ringing out as a recording of my voice is played back to the class and my distinctly southern accent stood in contrast the nasal, clipped sound of the north.

Would I be different if at 11.5 I wasn’t moved from Minnesota to Colorado with six weeks left of sixth grade. Not enough time to make friends and settle in, so a summer spent alone. Which meant having to begin 7th grade just a few months later at an entirely different school. Doing my best to figure out where I fit and finally finding my place to be moved again.

Midway in 9th grade a move to Las Vegas and a high school that was nothing like the one from which I had come. Sitting at lunch in the car with my mom for the first week so I wouldn’t cry and try to walk home. Spending another semester and summer alone to begin a new year once more with no friends.

Would I be different if I hadn’t desperately wanted to leave Las Vegas and ended up marrying a man a hardly knew? Spending 30 years of my life with him first in Iowa and then in Texas?

Would I be different if I had stayed in the place I had called home since 1986 rather than moving a mere 30 minutes away where it was convenient for my friends to forget me? If I had stayed would they still have forgotten me?

Would I be different if I hadn’t taken 3 months and gone to France to try and learn French and experience life from a different perspective? Staying in the security of the familiar?

Would I be different if I had made the choice not to leave Dallas-Fort Worth rather than taking a chance on a better life in a new place and all the struggles building a new life entails?

Of course there is no way to know. Our lives are shaped by so many things and places are but one. We are the sum of our experiences but until we die our life equation is never complete. There is always something more to add, subtract, multiply or divide in our lives.

Blogging, Blogging101, choices, Dreaming, Experience, fashion, Fun, Goal, help, love, New life, questions, Sew, writing101

See many bad habits

Posted on October 11, 2015 by Dede

Today I had my first class from http://www.stitch labs.biz in Austin. I’ve seen for years but have acquired many bad habits. Bad habits in sewing and life. Working on changing bad sewing habits and bad life habits.