Posted in life

Someone else’s life

Have you ever had a time when you thought to yourself, I am living someone else’s life. This isn’t my life. It must belong to some other person because in my life I am not alone and struggling. I’m not living in a nondescript town with no friends and no life. In my life I’m not working 50 plus hours a week with no health insurance. This black and white life with no color, can’t be my life.

My life is supposed to be colorful, full of friends, family and experiences. I’m supposed to be living in a quaint town with lots of history and four seasons. In my real life I have a circle of close friends who are there for me and I for them. My life is full of travel opportunities and chances to learn and experience new things. I have a home which is always open to friends and family. I give my time and talents to my church and those in need. I don’t work 50 hours a week. I don’t worry about getting sick because I have health insurance. And I don’t get lonely because I have a loving and caring husband. That is my life or I should say the life I imagined I would have.

Then I wake up and realize my real life is what I first described.

Posted in daily prompt, Uncategorized

Simplicity – Daily Prompt

S-sharing a good laugh

I-inspires me

M-material things not needed

P-positively joyful life

L-living in the moment

I-intelligent living 

C-creativity blossoms

I- important moments

T-timeless quality 

Y-yearning desire

Daily Prompt

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, forgiveness, friends, God, help, love, mistakes, New life, people, questions

The Future

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    Years ago I took a Bible study class and the question was asked if we would want to know our future if we were not able to change whatever may come? I said yes. Everyone else who was 15-20 years older than I was, said no. They explained that as humans if we knew the future we would spend our time focusing on the hardships and sorrows to come rather than embrace the joys we would experience. At the time I wasn’t sure I understood. I do now. If I had known fifteen years ago the heartache, betrayal and pain my husband (now ex-husband) would bring, I would have missed twelve years that did hold many happy times with my daughters, family and friends. My focus would have been on all the wrong things.

I don’t know what my future holds. Right now I find looking too far down the path frightening. I spent 30 years of my life working towards a life I no longer can have. I’ve spent the last three years being very bitter and angry because I feel like my life was stolen from me. However the bitterness and anger can’t sustain me. I have to move forward and build I new vision for my life. Hence the name of my blog, Life Rewritten. I am having to rewrite my future.

What I hope the future holds is good health for myself and my family. I hope I finally let go of the bitterness and anger, and move towards gratefulness and joy. I hope I finally can find a job so I can support myself.I hope to find a way to truly make a difference in this world. I hope my daughters and son-in-law stay joyful and happy. I hope my single daughter find Mr. Right. I hope I eventually have grandchildren. Those are my hopes and I believe there is a high probability of those things happening. Now for my dreams, I don’t honestly think they will happen. I dream of meeting Mr. Right (not likely at my age because men like younger women). I dream of owning a home and not living in an apartment for the rest of my life. I dream of being able to afford to travel again.

But we will never know our futures until our future is in our past. And we can’t change our pasts or completely control our futures. So faith becomes key. Hebrews 11:1 NIV “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Posted in Uncategorized

Living with Crazy makes you Crazy

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     I lived in the Dallas-Fort Worth area for 30 years. My life was built there. It is where we bought our first home, had our second child, made friends and enjoyed the fruits of our labor. I stayed home and took care of our daughters, our life and my husband when he was home. I was so proud and grateful for all his hard work. But time and time again, a terrible secret would be revealed about my now ex-husband. I convinced myself over and over that all men used porn. He told me all the pilots went to strip clubs and I needed to understand. I learned he had cheated on me with flight attendants but he convinced me that it was my fault. Then the phone call came from the police detective. Turns out all those trips to the hardware store, were actually trips to spy on girls at an apartment swimming pool and masturbate at the same time. He was a peeping tom! Of course you say, she definitely left now. Sad to say, I didn’t. He convinced me he would get help and he also said it was my fault. If I hadn’t married him when he was so young, (24) he wouldn’t feel like he had missed out on all the available sex.

   Time and time again, I’d find porn and it escalated. I found rape porn. I threatened to leave but here is a piece of advice, do not make a threat if you don’t intend to follow through with it. Again he agreed to go to counseling but it didn’t last long. His drinking increased, more strip clubs and our relationship slowly deteriorated. After one full year of counseling with a pastor/counselor, he confessed to using prostitutes at erotic massage parlors. Now hold onto your hat for this one ladies and gentlemen; it wasn’t real sex because he only paid for hand jobs. Did I leave? No. By now I was fully buried and not able to make a sound decision. He had eroded away any sense of value I had. We spent $7,000 going to The Meadows Clinic in Wickenburg, AZ. He never did any of the things they told him to do to get better.We ended up living separate lives but in the same house for two years. I know I should have left him countless times, but I loved him and hoped to work it out.

   Now for those of you who have never lived with a narcissist, you will never be able to understand. But imagine standing on a sandy beach and slowly over time the sand begins to sink. It happens so slowly, you don’t even realize it is happening. You are busy enjoying the sunset. You are busy watching the waves. You are busy thinking about the life you have. And then one day you realize that you’ve been buried alive underneath the sand that has slowly been eroding away. That is life with a narcissist. If you go to Living with a Narcissist or Life with a Narcissistic Psychopath you can find more information. It will help explain why I didn’t leave. Why I waited for him to leave me.

   After the divorce I spiraled out of control. I had written my life story and the chapters I saw in my future included my ex-husband, our daughters and their future families, travel, our friends and a secure life. When he left, he didn’t look back. It was as though our daughters and I never existed. At the age of 54, he walked away from 30 years of marriage and a life we had built. And I am not exaggerating. He lied to me and took $3000 of the $9000 cash I got in the divorce settlement. Our daughter had to try to explain to him that he had lied about needing the money. He never got it. Our daughters and son-in-law met with him and told him they would be there and stand by his side as he got help. But he never, even to this day has admitted he has any problems. Classic narcissistic behavior, he has no empathy for others, nor can he ever see or accept that he might have a problem. Sadly our daughters have fully cut him out of their lives.

   I did lose it for a while. I spiraled downward as he went right into a new relationship with a much younger woman. I stalked him. I harassed him. It is not something I am proud of but after you have lived with someone whose goal is to slowly drive you crazy, it can’t be surprising to end up crazy. I got myself together and left the country for 3 months. When I came back, I was still sad but no longer a crazy lady.

   Why am I telling you all of this? Because if you are unhappy and feel bad about yourself, if you feel like you walk on eggshells in your relationship then start reading the articles on those links. Don’t let a someone steal years of your life from you and then discard you like a piece of trash without batting an eye. You don’t want to end up where I am. I am almost 56, unemployed, living in a new city with no friends and worry things won’t change. That is why I am blogging. I am hoping it helps me begin to rewrite this new chapter of my life in a positive and good way.

Posted in Uncategorized

If we were walking in the garden. . .

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     If we were walking in the garden, I would tell you how good it feels to have company, to not be alone for another 24 hours.

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    If we were walking in the garden, I would bring you up-to-date on my job search. You would learn I received another rejection with the same lame excuse. We have decided to move forward with another candidate. When I ask for specific suggestions, they give no feedback. I listened to NPR the other day and the entire broadcast on my way home was about the fact age discrimination is real and active in the job market. So where does that leave me at almost 56?

    If we were walking in the garden, I would ask for a hug because now that DSC_0020I no longer live with my daughter or near my other daughter, I am completely hug deprived. I always told my girls you needed 10 hugs a day to be happy and healthy,

DSC_0010   If we were walking in the garden, I would be quiet. I would listen for birds. I would listen to the waterfall. I would take in all the sounds and allow them to quiet my spirit.

   If we were walking in the garden, I’d ask if money was no object what DSC_0009would you do and where would you go? I would listen to your dreams and encourage you to follow them.

  DSC_0017 If we were walking in the garden, I would thank you for taking some of your day to spend with me because we know we make time for what we feel is important. If your friends aren’t spending time with you, contacting you or remembering you even in a small way, you know your friendship is not important to them.

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If we were walking in the garden, I would ask would you like to take a walk again on another day>

Posted in New life

Reinvent the letter

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  This is an interesting assignment because on my other blog Living Like Demelza I wrote a post about the lost art of letter writing. I hand write letters almost daily and mail them to friends and family. I am choosing to write a letter to my younger self.

Dear Dede,

I know you will doubt the authenticity of this letter. You’ll wonder how you could actually receive a letter from your future self. It doesn’t really matter how it happened, just be thankful that it happened. As a parent, I realize you may take none, some or all of my advice. All I ask is that you seriously ponder what I have to say because if you choose to listen and embrace what I say, I can guarantee your future life will be better than what I made of it.

  1. You are loved. I know you doubt that statement. When your mother yells, “you just wait, one of these days you’re going to do something and I’ll be out of here”, she isn’t saying you are the cause of her problems. She is just frustrated, unhappy and fights depression. She loves you and she needs your compassion.
  2. You are smart. Your family might tease you and say, “well you just think you’re so smart” but they don’t do it to make you feel bad. They just don’t know how to say you’re smart and it makes them proud. Sometimes they don’t understand how to talk to you. That’s okay. Be proud of yourself.
  3. Dream and dream big. Don’t bury your dreams because no one at home encourages you. Dig deep and find your own drive and go study in France. Find a way. If you don’t, you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it.
  4. Stop comparing yourself to everyone. God created each of us to be unique. What a boring world it would be if we all looked the same and thought the same, the world would be a boring place. Ready the book, People by Peter Spier. It is a simple book but you will understand being different is a good thing.

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5.  Take care of your body. Exercise. You aren’t always going to be able to eat ice cream without consequences. You can’t start slow. Love your body. It is healthy. Keep it healthy and understand that there is no perfect body. There is no need to change what you have, but take care of it.

6. It is great to be in love but not all men are worthy of your love. They will use you and do their best to undermine all the confidence you have built. They will try to convince you that you are less than other women and should feel grateful they love you. They won’t beat you with their fists, but they will use words, mind games, your own insecurities to their benefit. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to spot their traits because if you don’t, you are destined to make a huge life mistake.

7. Beautiful things are wonderful. Living in a big house is great. A luxury car is nice but things are not what makes life wonderful. Fill your life with memories, not with things. You will be able to keep the memories for a lifetime but things wear out, get lost, go out of style or you just tire of them. And if your happiness is based on things, you’ll never have enough. The empty hole you are trying to fill will never be full.

8. Trust God’s plan. I know sometimes you like to get ahead of yourself. You want to help God out and take care of things for Him. It is not necessary. That doesn’t mean to sit around and do nothing. What it does mean is to surround yourself with Godly men and women, find a church home, get involved, spend time in God’s word. Take time to be quiet and listen. It is the only way to hear Him.

9. Be creative. Learn to play an instrument. You don’t have to be perfect at it, but learn it anyway. Try painting, writing, sewing etc. Keep your creative juices flowing. Your creativity is one of your greatest gifts. Don’t let fear stop you from going down that path.

10. Know that you are loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic, fun, beautiful, smart, a life long learner, a truly wonderful person. Never question your value.

You are probably shaking your head and thinking who is this person. Why is she telling me all of this stuff? What does she know that I don’t know? I am you. I allowed insecurities, fear and a narcissistic man to destroy my very core being. I am now having to rebuild it ground up at age 55. I can say he gave me the two greatest gifts in my life, my two daughters. If you make different choices he won’t be in your life, but I am confident God will still send you the same two wonderful girls so don’t feel any pressure to marry quickly. Save this letter. Read it daily if you must. Memorize it. Hold on to it. It will change your life.

Your future self, Dede

Posted in Uncategorized

The Need to Vent

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    Excuse me but I need to vent. I have been seeking a job for the past 3 years. It is necessary that I support myself since my ex-husband left me after 30 years of marriage for a younger woman. There is no spousal support or alimony in Texas. I am almost out of money. And if you think I am trying for jobs out of my reach, I am not. I can’t even get Target to interview me.

    There is definitely age discrimination. I realize I haven’t been in the active workforce for years but I have lots of skills. I went back to school to update my computer skills. I have a college degree. I am personable and friendly. I don’t know what to do. I just read a really bad eBook, so maybe I should give that a go. No one can discriminate against my age or experience then. Sorry for venting. I am just afraid.

Posted in Uncategorized

Long lasting effects of Abuse

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   The blogging assignment today was to add a widget, change your header etc. In some way we were to personalize our blog. I changed my header. It doesn’t show as much as I’d like but I could not get it sized right, so I posted it above. It is a photo I took several years ago in Paris. It is still one of my favorite pictures. I still find it difficult to believe that I had to beg my ex-husband to meet his French aunt and American uncle in the south of France. It took me several years to convince him to go. Now he flies the 777 internationally and goes to Paris all the time. I will admit it is a thorn in my side. He always wanted to go only to beaches or lakes. I was the one that wanted to explore the world. Now he is the world explorer and I am left to struggle to make ends meet.

    I have promised myself I will not make this blog just a b*tich fest. I did suffer from narcissistic abuse (30 years) and it has very long-lasting effects. Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome  If you are depressed, unhappy, have low self-esteem etc and can’t really figure out why, I suggest you follow the link and read. I’ve been through countless counselors seeking help. Now that I know what the problem is, I am hoping this new counselor will actually help me get better.

   From this point forward I will share happier thoughts and ideas on how I try to actively explore the world around me even if it’s just a few miles away.

Posted in Uncategorized

Tweet Response

     I have no idea if I added the twitter link correctly, so I copied and pasted the actual tweet into my blog. I went to a meetup group tonight. If you don’t know what a meetup group is you can find out by going to http://www.meetup.com  It is a place where you can find people in your area with similar interests. There is a wide variety of choices, so there is something for everyone. I went to a writing prompt group. There were just 3 of us which made it much less intimidating for a first time visitor.

    The group leader gave us our first prompt. He used story dice. I got an eyeball and a man thinking. The tweet above was definitely true for me tonight. How do you begin a story based on an eyeball and a man thinking? Each of us got different things. I definitely had the worst roll. From where would the words come? Should I even be there? Could I really write something someone would want to read?

   As I watched the other people write when we began our second prompt, lines from a song, I was amazed at how quickly they could put their words to paper. And then when they read them, they were so good, so creative. My story sounded like something an 8th grader would turn in for a creative writing project. Would my writing every mature?

   Our last prompt was a collage of photos. We could write something in general about all of the photos in our collage or we could select just one photo. I wrote about one photo and when the young woman next to me read her story, I was blown away. She had chosen to focus on the fact almost all of her photos had blue in them. Where do people get such creative ideas?

   So I agree with the tweet. It seems that writing comes so easily for other authors. Their stories, their blogs, their books all seem effortless. My stuff reads heavy, like a bag of trash someone has to drag behind them. When will the words mature and the story come?

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Posted in Uncategorized

Only One Way?

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  Maps. Directions. Roads. Lost. GPS, yes, GPS. Living in a new city my GPS has become my new best friend. I have never had a good sense of direction. When I was 14 years old, my family was driving from our home in Las Vegas to Disneyland. With my map reading skills, we ended up outside of San Diego. That is NOT close to Disneyland.

  One of the first things I did when I moved to Austin was to buy a map. It is large and I stand and look at it, trying to get an idea of where I am located in reference to where I am going. Studying the map, I determine there are endless ways to reach my destination. When I plug-in the address to my GPS, it even gives me options. It is up to me to decide which route to take.

  Of course our route can be interrupted by road work, an accident, one way streets etc. So we are forced to find another way to our final destination. GPS of course makes it simple. But when there were only maps ,no GPS,  and I would get lost, I had to pull over to the side of the road and study the map to find a new route.

   That is my life right now. I am pulled over to the side of the road studying it and trying to find a new path, a new direction to reach my destination. What is my destination? A life with purpose and lived with passion. Prior to my divorce, I was on a one way road and believed the life I was living was the only way to experience happiness. Since my divorce, I have slowly discovered that there are endless paths to living a new purposeful life. Just like when the GPS gives me a choice of routes, it is up to me to select which road I will take now because joy, purpose and passion lie just around the bend.