I feel exactly as the mouse does in the photo. I am trapped by something I didn’t see. And like the mouse it didn’t kill me, it just caught me and won’t let go. The mouse was alive. You can tell because it’s blurred in the photo.
I feel trapped. I am trapped by the life I chose to lead. I chose to be a stay at home mom and wife. I chose to make my husband and family the center of my life. I chose to believe my ex husband would fulfill his vows of until death do us part. How was I to see he lied at every opportunity?
So now I am faced with something I never thought about. I have worried about getting cancer. I have worried about losing someone I love in a tragic accident (like a dear friend of mine did, I worry about losing my only living parent. I like everyone else worries from time to time. I just never thought I would be facing living in my car at 56, not after giving the best years of my life to my ex-husband.
His promise was in sickness and in health. I stayed when he was caught being a peeping tom. I stayed when he said he used hookers. I stayed when I learned he was addicted to pornography. Why you ask? For a million reasons. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. (A lie). I believed him when he said he’d get help. (A lie). I promised God I would be a faithful helpmate and not desert him, so I stayed.
It clearly was a mistake. A huge mistake and I can’t find the logic in why God has allowed him to continue living the high life with a big house, a young girlfriend and her kids. While his own daughters struggle to get by and I face living in my car. Everyone assures me God hasn’t deserted me and He has a higher purpose. Well he certainly has left me in the dark because I don’t know what’s going on.
Everyday it is a struggle to get up and it’s a struggle not to end it every night. I fight because I love my daughters. But as I said in an earlier post, I am soul weary.
We read stories everyday of women that have been abused by a man. And sadly these women tend to repeat bad choices and go from one bad relationship to another. For anyone with a solid self-esteem and self-worth, it is incredulous that any woman would stay in such a damaging relationship. Here is something that so many people fail to understand; the abuser rarely walks in and begins the abuse immediately. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. They go hand in hand but emotional abuse can happen without physical abuse. That is my story.
Why didn’t I share? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Slowly over time my sense of independence was destroyed. Over time the belief I was lovable was destroyed. Day by day comments, looks, turning things around so I would begin to question myself believing somehow I caused him to cheat and having my concerns being dismissed and ignored regularly created a complete sense of instability. If my ex-husband was home I was always tied up in knots because I was worried I wasn’t making him happy. When he was out-of-town I was tied up in knots because I worried about what he was doing. Should I have left years ago? Of course, but he didn’t reveal his true-self all at once. He did itslowly over time. Think of a bucket being filled by one drop of water at a time. It takes a long time before the bucket overflows. So don’t judge your friend who finds herself in my position. Listen to her. Don’t rebuke her for not leaving sooner. Hug her. Offer support anyway you can. Don’t exclude her because she is no longer a couple. And certainly do NOT remain friends with her abusive ex-husband.
If I could give advice to any woman who is living with a narcissist, it would be to read as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists manipulate their victims. I would encourage her to find someone to share any secrets i.e. his cheating, his addictions, his crimes. Had I come forward the first time I found out what he was doing, I might have received support from my friends. However the shame he created in me, kept me silent. Silence is a killer. It kills your spirit. So speak up. Leaving is scary. I am facing homelessness at 56 because I was a stay-at-home mom and with no full-time work experience since 1984, I can’t get any business to take a chance on me.
Why do I write about this again? I write about this again because I can’t just dump the over-flowing bucket of abuse. It leaves as slowly as it came. Now I have a small hole in the bottom of the bucket and daily a little more of it drains out. It is just going to take time, a lot of time. Sadly I don’t have time when it comes to a job. While my ex enjoys a life in the lap of luxury, ignores his children and pretends he never destroyed lives, I work to survive and they learn to accept life as fatherless children.