I’d like to go back to my 16th birthday with all of my knowledge and wisdom accumulated through 16-67 still with me.
I’d like to know what my life would have been like if I had chosen my dream over a boyfriend. I wish I had found a way to tell my dad I would find a way to study in Europe. I wouldn’t spend one second worried what others thought of me. I’d have confidence. I’d pursue joy. I would have gotten help for my depression even though I did not have support from my parents.
Then I’d like to look at my two life paths and chose one.
How do you write what people actually want to read?
When I got divorced, I was devastated. I went from a very comfortable secure life to a life not knowing how I’d support myself. $9000 cash and no spousal support left me raiding retirement.
I started this blog and named it Liferewritten because I felt like that’s what I needed to do. I needed to change my life and take it from an unhappy marriage, followed by a devastating divorce to something better.
So rather than complaining to my daughters or ruminating over my heartbreak, I would vent on the blog.
A couple years ago, I went back and deleted my darkest, saddest and most angry blogs. I wanted to separate myself from those memories, but I wish I hadn’t deleted them. I would like to see how far I’ve come.
So I write to share my journey and if no one reads it that’s okay, but it leaves a record of my life for my daughters.
I agreed to marry a man I didn’t really know. We had 4 dates and he asked me to get married and I said yes. We married 4 months later. My parents drove me to Iowa with my belongs. I stayed a week and returned home.
We didn’t see each other again until a few days before the wedding. I knew almost nothing about his family or their family dynamics. If I had, I would have never married him. I didn’t know any of his faults or struggles. If I had known them, I would have never married him.
If I had known he had no interests, never read books, was not interested in what was happening in the world, hated museums and only wanted to drink alcohol or lie on a beach or lie by a pool, I would have run away.
I can’t say I have ever felt at home anywhere. I didn’t feel at home growing up because I was odd man out plus we moved several times between ages 9-14.
First house I bought 1986
Then when I married we rented and lived in 4 places in 3 years. When we finally bought a house, I definitely felt grown up. And it probably felt more like home than any place I’ve lived in since then.
My idea of home is family and my family hasn’t been together for 14 years. We don’t have to live in the same house but near enough to get together.
So for now and the foreseeable future, I have a place to live but it’s not home.
What’s the best advice you’d give to someone younger than you?
As someone who has a usual name which is a Hebrew version of a Greek name, I can assure you naming your child something original is a huge mistake. I rarely tell people my legal name.
The children and then adults will spend their lives having to correct people on pronunciation and spelling. They will have people say don’t you mean your name is X? I’ve lost count of how many times people have corrected me on my own name.
You don’t have to give a most popular name of the current time. Search names popular in a different time period for something less common now but spell it correctly.
I saw a boy with his name embroidered on his backpack. It was Kamdyn. Not Camden like it should be. How many times in his life will he need to correct people on the spelling? That’s just one example.
I need to make it clear that if the name has a traditional spelling in another language, then go for it. But if you just want your Liam to be Leeham don’t do it. I once met a boy named Shun. I think the parents just didn’t know how to spell Sean/Shawn. So if your son or daughter is Emerson don’t spell it Emersyn. Totally different sounds. Same with Jordan not Jordyn, Charlie and not Charleigh.
I won’t even mention always having your name as marked as misspelled in a computer document. It’s a pain.
With so many things to deal with and worry about as you grow up, don’t add to the angst by giving them a huge hurdle at the very beginning.
When you have bottled up anger due to injustice and must engage with people who have no idea of how to engage in rational conversation, you just have to rant.
Science has determined that many miscarriages are caused by faulty sperm. Sperm that have defects or are unhealthy due to a man’s chosen lifestyle.
Laws now prohibit lifesaving measures to women experiencing miscarriage which according to new science isn’t probably her fault. When I suggested men who produce unwanted pregnancies, produce children they refuse to support, abuse their children or have a partner who continually miscarries due to faulty sperm be require to get a vasectomy, the response was along the lines of how dare men’s reproductive rights be hindered.
When at the same time supporting regulated control of women’s reproductive rights. It makes me so angry. Men have ruled since time began and women are still seen as second class citizens to be controlled. With this administration, the persecution has gotten worse.
I live in a state where women are being denied healthcare and dying because termination of a pregnancy is illegal. It doesn’t take a deep search to find multiple cases of this.
I doubt I’ll see any change in my lifetime and I feel sorry for my daughters, nieces, granddaughters, and all the future women who have to deal with this injustice.
Many years ago I was a runner up in a Fort Worth Star Telegram contest about the serendipitous meeting of my spouse. He’s my ex-spouse now.
Summer of 1981, my dad rented a small single engine airplane and flew my mom and him back to Iowa. It was my dad’s 25th high school reunion. (For reference my 50th reunion is next year.)
They hired a young pilot to fly them to their final destination and paid for him to return home. My dad was the friendliest man alive. He invited this pilot out to Las Vegas (our home) and said he’d set him up with his daughter.
After the stop in Iowa they were headed for a meeting in Minneapolis/St.Paul. However my dad’s pilot license only allowed him to fly if he could see the ground. The day they left SE Iowa and flew north it because cloudy and they were forced to land in Waterloo, IA.
Six months later this pilot showed up and my dad paid for him to take me out. Yes pathetic but Daddy was very generous.
On New Year’s Day the pilot returned from California and asked me out again. This second meeting we really clicked. Three months later we were engaged and married by August.
I always thought about if it had been a sunny day we would have never met.
Our marriage lasted 30 years before he moved onto someone younger, but he gave me the greatest gift. I have two beautiful, loving, generous and Christ loving daughters and he is their dad.
For most of my life I was a control freak. The more I controlled, the more anxiety I had but was convinced if I had control the anxiety would be relieved.
Ask my daughters and they will confirm I did my best to control everyone and everything around me. It’s genetic. My grandmother controlled my mother. My mother did her best to control me but wasn’t always successful.
I didn’t control my girls as much, but I definitely exercised control when I could.
Then one day I realized that control was a mirage. I never had had control. When my world came crashing down, it was a tough lesson.
Now I understand control is a mirage. The only constant is the Lord. And He is always full of surprises.
So mostly now I don’t even think about uncertainty. As long as I live, what happens in life will be uncertain. And I can trust it’ll all work out.
What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?
There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.
I have always identified with Anne Shirley. She isn’t like everyone else who accepts things as they are. She has many versions of herself. It’s not because she changes to fit in. I believe it’s because each new discovery changes her.
And that is what I believe my life has been like. I remember after I married, my mom would say things like, “I didn’t know you liked …..” It wasn’t a bad thing to say. It was only an observation about how I had changed.
I continue to change, even at 66. And to be honest some people find this troublesome. People like things to stay the same. It’s comfortable for them. But for me staying the same means being stagnant.
I am always making an effort to learn something new. I still work on learning a foreign language. I try new recipes, new places to eat, new experiences to have like making my own soda. The world is full of simple and spectacular lessons to learn.
Love of learning does that to a person. The more you experience and the more you learn, it’s impossible to stay the same.
We live in a society that promotes and expects perfection in body and face, especially in women. Botox, plastic surgery, laser treatments, fillers, lip fillers, GLP-1, diets, exercise etc.
But is perfection something we should strive for? If we erase wrinkles, stretch marks, if we were all the same size, lips all overfilled so we look like ducks, faces pulled, frozen faces, mommy makeovers would that be better?
A grace note is a type of musical ornamentation that is usually printed smaller than regular notes and serves as a brief embellishment before a principal note.
And imperfections are the grace notes for us. God made us each unique and original. No one should look the same. We should embrace the fact we are different. We should embrace aging and not erase our life with treatments.
I struggle with aging and sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I tried Botox post divorce. I was 53 and didn’t want to look old but I need to remember Growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. Embrace our difference and embrace aging.
**Quote from the Poldark book series book 5 the Black Moon. Ross is speaking to his wife Demelza.
What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?
When I was in university I saw a poster for a group trip to Europe. I think it was 13 countries in six weeks. We would meet in London.
I worked and saved while everyone told me it was a fake poster and I’d regret my decision. I’d lose money. I did what little research was available because this was many years before the internet.
My parents took me to LAX and from there I flew to London. I had paid extra for some London excursions.
Being brave enough to go alone and join a group, knowing no one, was one of the best things I ever did. I went to countries that now no longer exist. I have lifetime memories that have the ability to look at the world from different perspectives.
So happy I didn’t listen to the naysayers and trusted my gut.
What’s something you used to believe as a kid that seems ridiculous now?
As I child I believed my parents had all the answers to any question I asked. And if you ask my mother she will tell you I asked millions of questions. She will tell also you she couldn’t answer most of them, because I was an exceptionally inquisitive child.
I was an adult before I realized my parents didn’t have all the answers. How did I come to this realization? I had extraordinary daughters who asked many questions and I was positive I didn’t have all the answers.
In one way it’s a disappointment to realize your parents aren’t perfect but it’s also a relief because you no longer have to strive to be perfect.
What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?
I heard once happiness is based on happenings, so it is always contingent on what is going on in your life. If you have difficult days then happiness suffers. And if you have a difficult year then happiness is fleeting.
However joy is based on deeper things, most importantly your relationship with Christ. Because while your circumstances may change, God never changes. You know you are not alone and will never be alone.
I’ll admit I have first hand knowledge of basing happiness on your circumstances. If you never have struggles or heartaches or sad days then keep basing happiness on the happenings in your life. But if you are like the rest of us and have difficult days, or weeks, or months, or years, it’s imperative you find your source of joy.
I let my divorce steal 4 years of my life that I can never get back. All I could see was how much my life has changed, focusing only on the negative aspects. Then one day my heart was introduced to a very little boy and everything began to change.
I realized I had never been alone. The Lord had a plan all along for me and for my greater joy. I had only been focusing on insignificant and transient things while He was focused on eternity.
Now I base my happiness on the never changing, always loving Lord, knowing He will always be with me in hard times and good times. It’s my job to trust and joy will come. And joy is deeper and more satisfying than unpredictable happiness.
Do you think humans will ever colonize Mars? What would life there actually look like?
I don’t have an answer. If you had asked a 1st century citizen if people could fly someday or land on the moon, I’m sure they would have said no. than burned you at the stake.
If you asked people dying of a disease that is now curable because of penicillin, would they have dreamed it was possible? They may have hoped but concretely believed I doubt it.
Expect for marvelous scientists who spend countless hours delving into the minutiae of what many of us would consider mundane to find a cure for a disease or explain why something cataclysmic happened, most of us don’t have the fortitude and patience needed to answer most of life’s questions.
Will we colonize Mars, I hope not. We can’t seem to respect and care for the planet we currently inhabit. No reason to go and destroy another one.
What’s a cultural tradition from another country that you wish existed in yours?
The ability to leave work and worries behind like they do in France. They truly have a joie de vivre that has been lost in the USA. It’s all about money, competition, looks, staying young and so many more things here.
I want to leave all of that behind and embrace life.
List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?
I read between 50 and 75 books a year, more than most but less than many. The books that have had the greatest impact on me this year are:
Theo of Golden by Allen Levi. A must read for anyone who wants a tale of kindness, forgiveness and how both can change you and the recipient.
The List of My Desires by Grégorie Delacourt. What if your dreams could come true because you won the lottery? Would it make it better or worse? What are your real values? Will they change? Will your family change? Can they be trusted? Will you be happier?
Echo Mountain by Lauren Wolk. A tale of the depression and what happens when your life changes. A comfortable life to living on a mountain, struggling to get by. The people who relocated there speak of a witch and stay away from her. Do we judge people before we meet them? Can we let go of the past and embrace the unexpected future?
All these books made me reexamine my own life and the way I think and live.
What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?
I suppose the answer is different for everyone. Can someone actually have it all? I thought I had it all then learned painfully over 30 years it was all a lie. More than anything I wanted a faithful, loving husband who was a good father but I refused to accept the truth. He was neither of those things. I thought the big house, luxury vehicle, trips, beautiful furnishings etc was having it all. I was WRONG!
As my life drastically changed, I felt I had lost everything only to realized I had everything that I truly valued. My daughters were the single most important part of my life and as long as we loved each other, I had it all.
And slowly with moving my focus to my relationship with God, growing closer to my daughters, letting go of wrong ideas, my happiness grew.
Happiness abounds now. I have peace, internal and eternal peace. I need nothing. God has provided for all of my needs. I do my best not to dwell on the years I wasted because each day is a glorious gift.
Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?
I have heard when people show you who they are, you need to believe them. I wish I had heard this years ago and taken it to heart.
Throughout my marriage my now ex-husband showed me who he was. He cheated but always promised he would stop. He used nasty pornography but when caught, always promised he’d stop. My daughter and I asked him to quit drinking. He said he didn’t have a problem. Her response was why do I find you passed out of the sofa? He was wanted by the police for illegal sexual behavior but always promised he’d never do it again. At the end he admitted to using prostitutes.
And even then I stayed almost another 3 years. My trusting heart always believed he would stop but he never did. He asked for the divorce not me. Crazy isn’t it when I think about it.
Six years into our marriage he admitted going to a live sex act club in Sydney, Australia. I wish I had acted then and left him. I stayed another 24 years. While my heart would have been sad it wouldn’t have been shattered by 30 years of mistreatment.
So when people show you who they are, believe them!!
So many of the lessons I’ve learned came after high school. There is one lesson I remember well though I learned in high school.
As a junior I entered a pageant, Miss Teenage Nevada. I was named Miss Congeniality, made the top ten but didn’t win. I decided to enter again the next year and I asked my mom to buy me a new formal dress for the contest. Her response was, “ No, you’re not going to win anyway, so you don’t need a new dress.” I didn’t let that stop me. I entered again and I won. Yes, wearing the same dress as I did from the year before.
It doesn’t matter if other people don’t believe in you, you just need to believe in yourself. And go for it.
