Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in depression, divorce, Faith, Uncategorized

Caught in a Trap

  
I feel exactly as the mouse does in the photo. I am trapped by something I didn’t see. And like the mouse it didn’t kill me, it just caught me and won’t let go. The mouse was alive. You can tell because it’s blurred in the photo.

I feel trapped. I am trapped by the life I chose to lead. I chose to be a stay at home mom and wife. I chose to make my husband and family the center of my life. I chose to believe my ex husband would fulfill his vows of until death do us part. How was I to see he lied at every opportunity?

So now I am faced with something I never thought about. I have worried about getting cancer. I have worried about losing someone I love in a tragic accident (like a dear friend of mine did, I worry about losing my only living parent. I like everyone else worries from time to time. I just never thought I would be facing living in my car at 56, not after giving the best years of my life to my ex-husband. 

His promise was in sickness and in health. I stayed when he was caught being a peeping tom. I stayed when he said he used hookers. I stayed when I learned he was addicted to pornography. Why you ask? For a million reasons. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. (A lie). I believed him when he said he’d get help. (A lie). I promised God I would be a faithful helpmate and not desert him, so I stayed.

It clearly was a mistake. A huge mistake and I can’t find the logic in why God has allowed him to continue living the high life with a big house, a young girlfriend and her kids. While his own daughters struggle to get by and I face living in my car. Everyone assures me God hasn’t deserted me and He has a higher purpose. Well he certainly has left me in the dark because I don’t know what’s going on.

Everyday it is a struggle to get up and it’s a struggle not to end it every night. I fight because I love my daughters. But as I said in an earlier post, I am soul weary.

Posted in depression, Uncategorized

Make a difference

  

Do you make the assumption everyone has friends? Do you think their lives are busy and full? Do you ever take the time to speak to someone new? Do you choose to stay in your comfort zone and not reach out?

Did you know that every 12.3 seconds there is one death in the US by suicide? The truth about suicide How many more try and fail? How many times will someone try before she succeeds? Will any care he is gone? 

Anyone that has contemplated or tried suicide isn’t thinking clearly. You think you are. In your warped mind it all makes sense. The tragedy is that it is never the right or best choice. 

For so many of us who battle depression, isolation and loneliness the simple act of reaching out can mean the difference between the will to go on and the desire to end it all.

Smile more. Say hi more. Call your friends. Check in with people whom you haven’t heard from lately. Let them know you care. Make a difference.