Posted in life

Blue Haired Ladies

Depending on how old you are, you might remember the ladies with blue hair. Typically they were older, had gray or silver hair and they used a hair rinse which was intended to enhance their hair color.

But it always seemed to turn their hair a light shade of blue. Sometimes the light had to be just right to see the blue, but it was there.

Now that I’ve decided to go to my natural color (silver, gray and white), I wanted to get a jump on the blue hair. I’ve had gray hair since my twenties, white hair beginning in my forties. Now in my late fifties, I’m gonna give the natural look a try.

So power to the blue haired ladies. I’m coming to join you.

Posted in Jesus

The love of a child

I am a very blessed woman. At a time when I thought God didn’t hear my prayers, He was busy placing me where I needed to be. What I thought was a set back, a punishment turned out to be an answer to my prayer.

Unemployed after a heartbreaking divorce, wondering how much longer my money would last and feeling completely worthless and purposeless, my daughter asked me if I wanted to babysit a little boy 2 days a week. I said yes and that was the moment my heart began to heal.

He loved me from the moment I became one of his caregivers. When my daughter had her own baby, I became his full-time caregiver. A day doesn’t pass that he doesn’t hug me or tells me that he loves me. It genuine love. There are no hidden agendas. It’s simple. He needs me and I need him.

He became a big brother last year and I now have the pleasure of keeping him and his brother. While it’s not as easy at 58 as it was at 28, it still makes my heart swell with joy knowing I’m needed and loved.

So I’m slowly learning after a lifetime, God doesn’t always answer my prayers with a yes or no. Sometimes He says, I’ve got a better idea.

Posted in God, life, Uncategorized

Second Chances

God has taken my life down a path I never imagined. This path has been a very bumpy ride but it has brought me a deeper faith and given me an opportunity I never thought I would have.

As a young mother I did my best to be a good mom and make memories with my daughters. Of course as life teaches us hindsight is 20/20 and I can now look back and see many times I was too busy just to enjoy my daughters. So I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to God for bringing me to this place in my life.

I now work 50+ hours a week as a nanny but while I’m paid I don’t feel like a nanny. In fact that the oldest renamed me Mimi. The two boys I watch are like grandsons to me. (Top 2 photos). And to make this blessing even grander, my own daughter and son-in-law gave me a grandson in June. (Bottom photo). I get to spend my time with these three precious boys and I have the wisdom to know just to enjoy the moments and not stress out over little things. My life is overflowing with love.

I wouldn’t have picked or imagined this life for myself which is why I am so thankful God knows best because it’s been many years since I’ve been this happy and had this much peace.

Wishing you Joy and love this Christmas and every day in 2018.

Posted in life

Someone else’s life

Have you ever had a time when you thought to yourself, I am living someone else’s life. This isn’t my life. It must belong to some other person because in my life I am not alone and struggling. I’m not living in a nondescript town with no friends and no life. In my life I’m not working 50 plus hours a week with no health insurance. This black and white life with no color, can’t be my life.

My life is supposed to be colorful, full of friends, family and experiences. I’m supposed to be living in a quaint town with lots of history and four seasons. In my real life I have a circle of close friends who are there for me and I for them. My life is full of travel opportunities and chances to learn and experience new things. I have a home which is always open to friends and family. I give my time and talents to my church and those in need. I don’t work 50 hours a week. I don’t worry about getting sick because I have health insurance. And I don’t get lonely because I have a loving and caring husband. That is my life or I should say the life I imagined I would have.

Then I wake up and realize my real life is what I first described.

Posted in daughters, depression

Lost in Failure

Why do I keep failing?  Why do we share different memories? Why do we fail to understand how our words and actions hurt those we love? Why am I invisible? Never to be fully seen? Why do rub those I love the wrong way? Why do I feel so unloved and so unnecessary? Like a fly swatted away? A nuisance and nothing more? Why do the two people I love most in the world fail to understand how much I need them and their encouragement and to know they have good memories they made with me?

The darkness is coming for me again. 

Posted in Faith, love, Uncategorized

I’m in Love

Yes it’s true. I’ve fallen head over heals in love. He stole my heart the first time I met him and now I get to spend two days a week with him. Who is he? He is the 16 month old son of two doctors, who I will call APL. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent time with a toddler. They have a lot of energy but they also have an infinite amount of love to give.

Observing him as he explores the world and the way it works, is fascinating. I can see his brain working. And when he laughs and smiles at me, I’m filled with joy and happiness. And it is a blessing to be able to care for him. I’d love to post a photo, but since he isn’t my son, I won’t.

Posted in daughters, Experience, family, life, love, Uncategorized

Freedom for those we love


“We have to live our own lives. We have to give freedom to those we love.” Ross Poldark in Angry Tide by Winston Graham

Ross makes this comment as he and his wife leave their children behind as they head to London. Demelza is sad upon leaving the children at home and Ross reminds her that before she knows it the children will be leaving her.

As a parent we all must face the moment when we know our children are adults and independent. It’s bittersweet because you want them to grow up, live their lives and be happy but you will forever miss your babies. I think that is one reason as a parent it is sometimes difficult to step back when they are adults and let them find their way. In our eyes they are still our babies. As a mother there is always this overwhelming desire you fight to keep them children.

I always knew my children would grow up and go out on their own, making their way in the world. What I never thought about was the first statement Ross makes. We have to live our own lives. I forgot in those years as a mother and wife I needed to make a life of my own separate from them. It is even more true now that I am divorced. I never thought about being anyone other than a wife and mother. It is much more challenging than I anticipated to find my own way in the world. I feel like the one who has had adulthood thrust upon her unexpectedly.

I know my passion but the question is can I make a living? Can I support myself? Do I have the discipline needed to focus and make it work? That is yet to be determined

Posted in depression, Faith, Health, Uncategorized

Reflection

Have you ever caught a glimpse of a reflection in a mirror and wonder who it was only to realize you were looking at yourself? That happened to me today. I didn’t like what I saw. How had I completely stopped taking care of myself? There was no evidence of joy. I looked unhealthy and sad. I have allowed almost four years of my life to be wasted. Wasted in depression and sorrow over a toxic relationship.

I think it’s taken all of this time to shake free of the torment and hold my ex had over me. He had trained me never to trust my own decisions and choices. He convinced me no one would ever want me and I’d never get a job. And guess what? I let those lies determine how I spent my time, but no more.

Depression is an ongoing battle which I don’t think is ever cured. It’s more like a disease in remission or an ugly monster which is locked away but manages to rear its ugly head every now and then. So I do anticipate having to continue this battle but I know I will ultimately win the war and find joy and contentment.

Posted in daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, family, Moving, relationships, Uncategorized

Was I hit by a Semi-truck?

I don’t know if you can tell from the photo but I’ve been sleeping on a very small and uncomfortable sofa for the last two days. I helped move my daughter to the LA area. I helped load the truck. I drove the truck and then helped carry boxes up to the second floor apartment. Thankfully she moved no furniture.

Without going into details the room she’s subletting and the apartment were filthy. She said, “Mom, how can people live like this?” I don’t know but working as a real estate agent a few years ago, I learned never to be surprised what was behind closed doors. So rather than unload the truck first thing, the next few hours were spent making the room clean enough to even begin. Once we unloaded the truck, I thought I had been hit by a semi. I don’t remember the last time I ached so much.

Then we ran a few errands including buying paint. When we returned I promptly set about painting the orange and blue room a soft gray. More unpacking and cleaning, finally crashing about midnight on the sofa.

The next day we made an IKEA stop, along with half of LA followed by Walmart then we set about assembling a bookcase. The room needed more cleaning. A lot was accomplished including cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. Hopefully we will finish up today because I fly out of LAX this evening.

Maybe it’s the physical, emotional and mental fatigue which has caused the nightmares to return. They not only make for a poor night’s sleep but I awake feeling depressed and disheartened. I return to spend another week with my family and will go to chemo on Thursday. I will manage to see three high school friends before my cat and I hit the road again for two long days.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughters as long as I am able to help. I no longer have the ability to help financially even with anything small need. I wonder if their father, who acts as those they were never born, realizes he is missing out on the lives of two incredible women and the love of the three of us. Praying the nightmares leave so I don’t wake up feeling so down.

Posted in choices, depression, divorce, Faith, family, Jesus, Uncategorized

In the Minutia

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The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.

I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.

My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.

I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.