I always wanted more children. I have two daughters but God knew what was in my future.
When I became a nanny in the autumn of 2016 there was one boy, A, and he was 16 months old. It was love at first site. I knew God had brought me to this town to love and care for this child. The following autumn another boy, O joined the family in September. And in January 2021, a beautiful daughter came along.
I knew time raising my daughters had gone quickly, but for some unknown reason I had the idea time would move more slowly now. I was in for a rude awakening. Time had sped up, not slowed down.
My bonus grandchildren are now almost 10, 7.5 and 4. I swear they were just babies. I had several years before I was to be 65, lots of time ahead of me. Time does not cooperate and slow down during the good times or speed up in the bad times.
So here I am with no more babies, bonus grandchildren and grandchildren growing so quickly right before my eyes.
It’s a joy to watch them grow and learn, but it leaves a yearning in my heart for times that have past.
I arrived in Texas 40 years ago on April 1st. It was a full circle moment for me as I was born in Texas 25 years prior to arriving. I was young, had an 11 month old and a husband who had completed training to become an AA pilot.
His pay was $1500 a month, a big increase from the $800 a month we had been living on. Then three months later the pay was raised to $1800 a month, we received a $900 retroactive check. I knew we had landed in the promised land.
In fact it was a miracle we even were in Texas. Every class of new pilots before my husband’s class and every class after were sent to New York City as a base. It can only have been God for this single class to have been sent to Dallas-Fort Worth.
I reared two incredible daughters here. We made lots of wonderful memories together. A fork in the road appeared some 28 years later and now I am no longer married. 30 years married and 12.5 years divorced.
Texas has taken me on a journey. The road hasn’t been easy or smooth but it is filled full of happy memories.
As the climate of our country has changed, I’m seriously considering leaving the US and finding someplace more closely aligned with my values. Until then I’ll continue to walk this path that God put me on.
As my girls were growing up we tried different sports. As it turned out they were more interested in music and the arts. So unlike my sister, I never spent my Saturdays at the soccer field. And I was always thankful I didn’t have to sit outside in the cold weather or the unbelievably hot weather we get in Texas.
I love my grandchildren however they live 1,640 miles away. Attending their sporting events or school events is not possible for me. It makes me sad but God has provided me with surrogate grandchildren, three to be exact. The two oldest A and O have begun to play soccer. So I find myself taking the boys to practice and staying until their parent(s) arrive.
The boys asked me to attend their games and I couldn’t turn them down. It touches my heart as I see their big grins when they realize I’ve arrived. Turns out I am a loud cheerleader!! Yelling run, get that ball, go fast etc as they play. With my camera in tow, I’ve begun taking photos and found it to be rewarding. Reminds me to use my camera more often.
So while I may have never been a “soccer mom”, I am now a full fledged “soccer Mimi”.
In middle school we had to choose a language to study. My friends chose German and Spanish. Wanting to be different, I chose French. My learning has been disjointed over the years due to moves, marriage, children, life in general but I’ve never given up. Although I’ve never surpassed advance beginner, I’m still at it.
So as a gift to myself I have begun private French lessons via the internet. I found Speak like a Parisian on Instagram. The instructor is a native speaker and is around my age. I knew I didn’t want a young teacher. Why? Learning a language is difficult and the older you get the harder it becomes. I wanted someone who might have shared similar experiences and was at similar life stage. It makes conversation flow easier.
So if there is something you’ve always wanted to do, it’s never too late to begin. I remember Dear Abby responding to this question:
I’ve always wanted to be a doctor but I’m 35 and it’ll take 10 years. What should I do? Her response was How old will you be in 10 years if you don’t become a doctor?
It’s been quite a few years since I’ve really laughed. I’m not sad or depressed, but I couldn’t laugh. I think everything I had been through put the mute button on laughter.
I’ve had a moment here or there in the last 10 years when I’ve laughed but it used to come easier. I remember sitting outside with my ex and his family. An unexpected pun caused a great deal of laughter and years later we still laughed at that memory.
It is said Laughter is the best medicine. I’m more inclined to believe unconditional love is the best medicine but laughter can turn an ordinary day into a day you’ll always remember.
How did I find it again? I laugh when I think about it. The 2 year old I watch told me to laugh. She had done something and wanted me to laugh so I fulfilled her request. Thinking I’d fake it as best I could, I started with my best fake laugh. And then it occurred to me, I had just followed the orders of a 2 year old and my laughter grew. The more I laughed, the funnier I thought it was.
Going forward in the future I’m going to laugh even if I don’t feel like because laughter, even if it’s your own, is contagious.
How many times did I hear this phrase or ones similar to it: Time flies, Stop and smell the roses, You’ll miss these days, The days are long but the years are short etc. Of course like most people under 40, I just smiled and went on about my life.
I knew my children would grow up. I knew they would need me less and less each year. I was aware as some point in my life I knew I would become an empty nester. Even with all the warnings, I never saw it coming. One day I was making lunches, hauling children to activities, listening to angsty teenagers call from college, wanting an ear but no advice. And for me the empty nester situation had an added layer called divorce. I didn’t see that coming either.
How many times have I thought if I could just do that over? I was much too focused on appearances and what other people thought, to listen to my children as well as I could have. I lost my temper when I grew short of patience. Longing for those days when my children were young and my marriage before it was destroyed by my ex-husband, comes to me in waves. The waves come less often and are not a intense as they once were.
I have allowed myself to heal. A broken heart and regrets take time to get better and to not be painful 24/7. With counseling, a renewed faith in God and his faithfulness, I am so much better. And I do my best to enjoy each day for what it has to offer. I even have an opportunity to be a better caregiver as I have been the nanny to three young children for the past 6.5 years. I’ve mellowed over the years.
I am still growing and changing. Still searching for the motivation to pursue things that brought me joy in the past like writing, sewing, photography lessons, learning a foreign language. When I had all sorts of time, I wasted it. Now I work 10 plus hours a day, coming home exhausted, it has been a struggle but I found a book called Best Year Yet, A Journal for Becoming your Best self by Chronicle books. One of my problems was and still is I can’t think of anything to do beyond what I’ve already done. This book gives me different activities to do focusing on general areas most people would like to improve. I’ve completed January and February activities and I moved onto March. It’s not always easy, I find excuses but having an actual list has encouraged me to push forward.
Not sure how it became 2023. Time really does fly and I should have listened to those who knew and slowed down.
Decided I needed some extra help to move out of this depression and apathy so I hired a therapist. Now I’ve had lots of therapists over the years and only one I believe really helped me. Tonight was my second session with the new therapist so it’s a wait and see for now.
I did go to a meet up last Saturday. It was to practice speaking French. My ex husband used to make fun of me for trying to learn French so I’ve never had a lot of confidence in myself. The two ladies were nice. None of us are fluent so the intimidation factor was non existent. I am going again this Saturday.
I’m increasingly tired. Clearly this is something I need to address with my doctor but my doctor moved away. So another challenge in finding someone with whom I am comfortable.
I find I move forward best when I have a plan. Where do I begin to make a plan for the rest of my life? I decided first I should make an outline and group ideas together before I created specific steps to move forward.
Remembering my Joys
One aspect that of the last nine years is forgetting what brought me joy. I’m specifically referring to activities I did which made me happy. The first step is my journey is to remember what I did. It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes we bury memories deep but for now this is what I’ve identified.
1. Sewing
2. Baking
3. Reading
4. Writing
5. Travel
6. Entertaining in my home.
7. Learning French
My next step is to recall why I loved these activities, why I stopped them and what is blocking me from beginning again.
Summer 2022 began with a surprise. I broke my arm. Not a normal break between the elbow and wrist, but a proximal humerus break. Where is that? Its right where your arm meets your shoulder. I have never felt that kind of pain. It was intense. Due to location of the break a cast was not possible. No one came to help me. I was on my own. Groceries were delivered. A shower wasn’t possible for over a week. Not a good time.
During this forced idleness, it occurred to me, wasting time had become my way of life. Due to unexpected life changes over 9 years ago, I removed myself from truly living a full life. Now I must work 10 hours a day then I come home to a microwavable dinner and TV. The weekend are chores and nothing more. All the time I was recuperating, I was frustrated because I couldn’t do more and then light bulb moment, I realized this was what I had been doing for over 9 years. Nothing! I have had a few highlights in those 9 years which have given me wonderful memories. For the most part though, I’ve given up those things that I love.
It is time to change. While I can’t regain those lost years, I can make a plan, a flexible plan to reengage with life. To rediscover the activities I love. The first step is to blog again and document my progress, so in a year, 5 years, and more I can look back and see my progress.
Did you know the average American moves 11 times in their lifetime. I’ve moved 18 times with 5 of those being in the last 8 years. Those five moves happened because of divorce. I am now living in a town I’d never have chosen but due to finances I can not leave.
I believe every place has something to offer but after five years of living here, I’ve been unable to figure out what this place offers beyond a job and cheap living. I came here originally because my daughter and her husband lived here. But they moved 1,636 miles to the east with their son. My other daughter was already living 1,410 miles to the west.
I ask myself now where do I belong. It’s definitely not here but where?Neither of my daughters commit to staying where they are which is understandable considering Americans don’t stay in one place.
Having no family nearby and nearing retirement (hopefully in 3 years), I’ve begun asking myself what will I do? Where will I go? Since my divorce I have felt homeless. Not in the sense that I haven’t had a place to live, but in the sense I have no longer have roots, a community.
So what do I do? I have no idea. I keep praying I’ll have an epiphany and know. Until then I’ll remain restless wondering if I’ll find a place where I will feel at home.
I just finished watching Your Fantastic Mind on PBS. It was eye opening. It was all about preventing dementia.
And upon watching this show I realized that post divorce I’ve allowed myself to fall into some bad habits all which increase my risk for dementia.
The two biggest for me are:
Being physically inactive
Being socially isolated
Those two things I have complete control over. Which I think is good news!
Doing things you love are also supposed to help and I’ve been bad about engaging in some favorite hobbies using all sorts of excuses. Again the good news is I have control over whether I start again.
Also good news is learning a new skill or language, helps prevent and slow down dementia. I’ve spent years working on my French and now I’m using Duolingo to learn Norwegian.
So while many will feel this might be bad news, I don’t agree. I’m excited I can make the changes in my life so I can continue to enjoy it to the fullest.
Recently I heard the song from Rent, Seasons of Love and this time I really listened to the words. There is a line which says “525,000 journeys to plan”. Something clicked and I asked myself do I or have I ever planned my life journey on a daily basis.
I have of course planned days and weeks and my life but more in the to do list sense. Married check, buy a house check, have kids check, be a good mom etc. But planning my life with ideas of how to broaden and enhance it rarely made it on the list.
I can’t say I’ve ever been in touch with my “authentic self”. In fact I’ve never really even understood that term. However I do believe I sold myself short for most of my life, never really believing in my abilities.
When I divorced I was devastated but thanks to God because he has given me a 2nd chance to rewrite my story. As I write this post, I am sitting outside with the children I keep 50 plus hours a week. Why is that significant? Because I feared I’d have no purpose and joy after the big D and here I am very happy and very loved.
I’ve begun planning my journeys which doesn’t mean trips. It means exploring myself, the world and people around me and always learn new things.
Here are a few journeys I put on my list:
1. Practice French more often
2. Learn a language other than French. (Currently it’s Norwegian).
3. Stop self criticizing what I do and how I look.
Recently I heard the song from Rent, Seasons of Love and this time I really listened to the words. There is a line which says “525,000 journeys to plan”. Something clicked and I asked myself do I or have I ever planned my life journey on a daily basis.
I have of course planned days and weeks and my life but more in the to do list sense. Married check, buy a house check, have kids check, be a good mom etc. But planning my life with ideas of how to broaden and enhance it rarely made it on the list.
My new journey
I can’t say I’ve ever been in touch with my “authentic self”. In fact I’ve never really even understood that term. However I do believe I sold myself short for most of my life, never really believing in my abilities.
When I divorced I was devastated but I thank God, because he has given me a 2nd chance to rewrite my story. As I write this post, I am sitting outside with the children I keep 50 plus hours a week. Why is that significant? Because I feared I’d have no purpose and joy after the big D and here I am very happy and very loved.
I’ve begun planning my journeys which doesn’t mean trips. It means exploring myself, the world and people around me and always learn new things.
Here are a few journeys I put on my list:
1. Practice French more often
2. Learn a language other than French. (Currently it’s Norwegian).
3. Stop self criticizing what I do and how I look.
4. I’ve always practiced gratitude but this time it will be focused on whatever can’t be bought.
The landscapers came and it is a small beginning in a long process. I found out today that the man who was building my patio cover bailed on me. I am not happy. I must now begin the process of finding someone else and hopefully I can afford them.
The raised bed has no soil so that is my next project. I’ll keep it simple and try tomatoes once I have soil in.
It’s been raining a lot which normally would be a downer but with all my new plants and trees the rain is a blessing.
Some times I think about the what if’s of life especially when it comes to seeing my grandchildren. It is then and only then I wish things were different. And pray that I can retire sooner rather than later.
When I found myself divorced, I became very depressed. I honestly believed God had forgotten me and that I’d never find joy in my life again. I was unemployed for 4.5 years. I was living off of a rapidly dwindling 401k. And while countless people offered advice on finding a job, no matter what type of job I applied for, I wouldn’t get any response. And trust me I tried the most basic, hourly wage jobs to things for which I’d be better suited. Nothing.
I decided I needed to move closer to my eldest daughter because she lived in a very affordable city. Depression came with me and so did the tears. I really didn’t see a way out of my situation beyond moving in with my daughter or mother. And then a miracle happened.
My daughter was working as a nanny, part-time and her employers needed someone for the two extra days. I jumped at the chance because the small amount of money, would help me stay afloat. I had no idea I was about to fall in love.
From day one of caring for APL, my depression began to lift. It wasn’t so heavy. There was sunshine instead of dark clouds. Several months after starting, my daughter left to have my first grandson and chose not to return to work. So now I was the full-time care provider for this sweet boy.
I tell him God knew I needed him and sent me to this town so I could take care of him. He was 16 months old when I began and soon will be 6 and heading to first grade. Just like with my own kids, the time has flown.
While from time to time, my depression returns, it leaves quickly and is never as severe. Two more children have been added to my employer’s family and with it more joy.
I should have trusted God. He knew what he was doing the entire time.
I didn’t realize it had been a year since I posted anything on my blog. With all the time alone, it would have been easy to write about something, anything at all but I found it much too easy to do nothing. Which sadly, has been my excuse for several years now, post divorce to plan nothing.
My Current Backyard
The title of my blog is LifeRewritten because as many people do, I had a life plan. My ex and I had even discussed vacations where we’d take our future grandkids. And trips we would enjoy together. Alas those dreams will not happen. I started this blog to work through my emotions and now it is time to start actually writing those new chapters.
First: buy a house which I did May 2019. Two years have flown by and I am beginning a new project. I have a small, shallow, wide backyard. After two years of contemplating do I or don’t I spend the money to do something to it, I decided to take the plunge.
I had several landscapers come out but they didn’t give much direction and the cost was astronomical for very few plants. So I researched on the internet and read my trusty Neil Sperry Texas Garden book. I drew countless arrangements of plants and trees. I finally decided on a general plan and on May 29th, the work begins. I’ll need to add many more plants once this initial work is completed.
And while promised by the end of May, I am not as hopeful for my new patio cover. A previous owner had a sunscreen hung as a patio cover. The ice storm ripped it down and now I am having a new one built. The builder promised me by the end of May, but now he says he is in the middle of a house remodel. I am not happy, but I am committed to this builder now.
The first chapter of a LifeRewritten begun in May 2019 when I bought my house. I didn’t add too many pages but it’s time to start writing the future again.
I know many of you, most of you are tired of being stuck at home with your family. Maybe it’s just you and your partner, you and your kids, or maybe you even have extended family who lives with you. You must feel the walls closing in.
But for many of us, we live alone. There is no one there to get into your space, annoy you, make demands on you or hold you. Being alone all the time isn’t healthy. Humans are made for companionship. We need hugs. We need closeness. And there is no one there.
It’s beginning to wear on me. While I still work during the day, so I have contact with some people, I have no family. Not a single one of my family lives nearby. The closest one lives 1,243 miles away. Being far apart is difficult enough and add a pandemic on top it sucks!
So the next time someone you love is annoying you, remember it’s a blessing!
My life on an unexpected path 