My heart and head are not in alignment. My head says forgive myself. My heart says no I don’t deserve it. I play over and over in my head all of the mistakes I’ve made as a mother, a wife, a daughter and friend and find it impossible to forgive myself.
I’m not exactly sure why because I forgive easily others. Sometimes it might take awhile but I eventually do. I still cry when I remember some of the things I’ve said. I know God forgives me, I just need the key to forgiving myself.
New Year’s Eve reference above.
I enjoy following people on Instagram. It gives me a peek into lives all over the world. Some of Instagramers are exceptional photographers. I love following the bakers and drooling over their desserts. I follow seamstresses whose creations are so incredible it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact someone made them.
I’ve never done anything really well. I have friends who are excellent cooks, a friend who is an artist. I’ve got a friend who makes incredible things from beads. My sister is an outstanding teacher. My mother creates beautiful cards. There is the friend whose garden looks like it’s from the pages of a magazine. Or my friend who loves on a small farm while working as a dentist. My oldest daughter sings like an angel and my youngest is creative. She writes, does photography, graphic art designs and blogs. The list goes on and on.
Me? Nothing. Nada. Rien. Zilch. Zero. You get the idea. All I do well is depression which doesn’t create the life I want. My nightmares have returned which causes serious sleep disturbances.
I’d love to know what you do well? Where do you exceed average? Are you a successful business person? An artist? Unusually creative? A baker? A great cook? Gardner? Great at explaining faith in a way people can understand? A writer? Please share because I’d love know.
I’m reading an inspirational book with the story of Joseph as the basis. Interspersed throughout the book are stories of ordinary people. The author knows these people first hand and have watched them suffer unspeakable trauma and sorrow. Yet all of them come through the fire with a stronger faith.
What about those of us who aren’t strong? Who don’t have the emotional strength to carry on? Who try through prayer and worship to gain strength and faith and still are weak? Who still are hopeless?
Why do I keep failing? Why do we share different memories? Why do we fail to understand how our words and actions hurt those we love? Why am I invisible? Never to be fully seen? Why do rub those I love the wrong way? Why do I feel so unloved and so unnecessary? Like a fly swatted away? A nuisance and nothing more? Why do the two people I love most in the world fail to understand how much I need them and their encouragement and to know they have good memories they made with me?
The darkness is coming for me again.
Ugh. Why does this always have to raise its ugly head? Especially in the work place? Clearly I am naive and believe my co-workers are honest and straight forward. However once again, I am proven wrong.
While the matter which upsets me is not important, it is a reminder I need to be aware not everyone is on a level playing field. Some are given special consideration because either they are related or the owner or manager has a sweet spot for them.
Office politics is not something I like and I do my best to stay out of them. It is still bothersome though and try as I might, I still get frustrated and my feelings get hurt.
I am almost finished with a book I am writing. My hope is that I can self-publish it and supplement my income, continue writing until I can support myself solely from writing.
I think this young blogger has set some high but very obtainable goals. I haven’t set any goals for myself in several years. Disappointment always seemed to follow me around but God is slowly changing my life perspective. So, tomorrow I will take the time to make my own list of 2017 life goals. Follow the link to read:
It hasn’t been an easy Christmas. So much has changed and my heart longs for an unbroken family. I know it’s wrong to ask my children to have nothing to do with their dad but he doesn’t deserve them. He doesn’t deserve a relationship with them. He has hurt all of us so many times. I want them to tell him, you come back and love all of us or stay away have nothing to do with us.
Allot nothing!
I received some exciting news a couple months ago. I am going to become a grandma for the first time. Needless to say, I cried tears of joy.
Before modern science, the miracle was secret. Babies were hidden in their mothers’ wombs. Now we have the incredible privilege of watching the miracle unfold. And I feel so blessed to be able to be part of this child’s life.
As we celebrate the coming of our savior in the form of a baby, it’s a reminder miracles still happen each and every day. I wish each and everyone a Merry Christmas.
**Please refrain from making pro-life vs pro-choice statements. I don’t want this to become a heated forum. I am only writing about my personal joy.
As we know, certain events cause us to stop and pause. Birthdays, graduations, births, deaths, and holidays remind us time passes whether we want it to or not. And I am no different.
One tradition I loved was taking my girls to shop for the “angels” we selected at church. The past few years, I had buried myself in sadness and didn’t see the abundance of blessings in my life. The veil has been lifted and while my circumstances haven’t changed but my outlook has.
I picked an “angel” and had so much fun buying her the items on her list. While buying everything wasn’t required, I bought as much as I could afford, so on Christmas morning a little girl will find several presents under her tree.
There is a strong possibility my youngest daughter won’t be able to travel to Texas for Christmas. It breaks my heart to think of her alone on Christmas Day but I’m praying we can get her here soon after the 25th. It will be the first Christmas in her life we have spent apart. But I know wherever she is, we love each other and will figure out a way to celebrate on another day.
My office made a trip today to the VA rehab and hospice center where we delivered stockings to the veterans. All were so appreciative. Such a simple act brought joy to so many.
Bring joy to those around you with a kind word, a helping hand, a handwritten letter, a phone call. You never know who needs a reminder they matter.
Merry Christmas
With Thanksgiving around the corner, I wanted to take a moment and ask you to think about how you define “family.”
Is it just those legally related to you by blood and/or marriage? Or are you one of the generous and loving souls who has a broader definition of family? In the last four years I have sadly discovered the majority of people keep the definition of family very narrow.
I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where my parents always opened their doors to anyone who might be left alone on a holiday. I did the same all the years I was married. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter I always checked to make certain everyone I knew had plans. Over the years we celebrated with a wide variety of people. My girls didn’t hesitate to invite friends to join us because they knew I’d always say yes.
How unfortunate that not a single one of my Texas friends checked even once in 2014 and 2015 and now 2016, with me to see that I won’t be alone. With one daughter married with in-laws and the other one on the West coast, I would have been alone this year until a last minute change in plans for my married daughter. The only one to invite me is the family I babysit for and I barely know them. What does that say about my friends who told me countless times we were family?
It is difficult in this electronic world to make friends. It’s even more difficult when you no longer have the natural outlets of children, school, neighbors, or work to make friends. Churches may preach friendliness but I’ve yet to find one that truly reaches out.
Please take a moment this holiday season and ask everyone you know if they have plans. No one wants to announce she/he will be alone on a holiday, so don’t expect them to ask for an invitation or announce they are alone. Open your doors. If you need help with food expense, ask them to bring a dish. Open your hearts. I can guarantee your life will be made richer by reaching out and pulling people in.
In America we set aside a day in November to give thanks. Hopefully you give thanks to God everyday but I do think it says a lot about our country that we believe giving thanks is so important we have a holiday to celebrate it.
It’s so easy to lose sight of what really matters. Life moves as such a quick pace. One day you’re celebrating your 30th anniversary and what feels like overnight, you are approaching your 4th anniversary of being divorced. And while I am sadden my marriage didn’t make it, I am so thankful for the two incredible daughters I have. And I’ve got one incredible son-in-law. God has faithfully answered my prayer recently for one daughter and I am confident he will answer my prayer for my other daughter.
I’m in good health, have a place to live at least until June 2017 and have faith God will show me the path to how to financially support myself. I’m thankful for the sweet little boy who became part of my life last month. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, I love my cat, Finn.
I’m thankful my sister is doing well despite her cancer diagnosis. I’m thankful for Anne, Julie and Bonnie who despite the distance remain steadfast and supportive friends. I’m thankful for the kind blogger souls who offer words of encouragement. And I’m thankful 2016 is the year I’ve actually begun to write seriously. 50,000 words and counting to the end of my book.
I may not have a big house, a large group coming for dinner, but as Thanksgiving comes around this year, I more thankful than I’ve ever been.
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s not surprising to see Christmas decorations going up in stores. While I think it’s a little too early, it has its intended affect on me. I start to get excited. And for young children and many adults, a long period of preparation and build up only leads to disappointment. So here are a few things that might help.
1. Find a good Advent reading guide and spend 10-15 minutes each evening reading Scripture as a family.
2. Discover Christmas traditions from other countries and pick one to try.
3. Find out how to say Merry Christmas in 10 other languages.
4. Look up where the word holiday (holy day) and Christmas (Christ mass) come from and discuss their meaning.
5. Learn one new Christmas Carol. Here is a link to my favorite new one. It’s especially poignant since my divorce. That’s Christmas to Me
6. With older kids, decide on one way to contribute to those in need not just at Christmas but all year long. Suggestions include tutoring younger kids, reading at the local library or to seniors.
7. Wrap baby Jesus from the nativity and unwrap him Christmas Eve while reading the Christmas Story. Matthew 1:18-25, Luke 2:1-14, Luke 2:15-20, Matthew 2:1-12, Luke 2:14
8. Start a tradition of playing your favorite game on the Saturday nights in December.
9. Bake cookies, make fudge, a cake, a pie whatever reminds you the most of your own childhood Christmas and pass it on.
10. Invite “strays” for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day dinner. There any many people, including me, who may have nowhere to go to celebrate.
11. Write down a blessing each day between Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Each family member). Place them in a jar and read them on January 1st.
12. Find and go to a holiday concert or play. Many high schools have free concerts and community theaters may offer a low cost alternative to seeing a professional production. There are also community orchestras which are less expensive.
13. Find the best Christmas light displays in your community and make a photo scrapbook.
14. Hold a potluck and invite your friends to a Christmas Carol sing-a-long.
Whatever you do, share it with those you love and most importantly know this: it’s not how many gifts your children receive or how expensive they are. What they will remember are the memories you make together.
My girls in 1991 in dresses I made for them.
I am taking a course at UTexas called Kickstart your Novel. Last week I brought in a sample of my story and a few classmates and the instructor took it home in order to critique it. Normally the instructor critiques your writing while you are in a small group setting. But for reasons I won’t go into, my writing was critiqued in from the entire group.
The instructor is kind and has a way of delivering a critique without squashing your dreams. Overall it was a favorable review by all who read it with one classmate saying it was the best thing she’d read so far in class. The instructor pointed out my good word and phrase choices. An example, “Michael casually shredded her life.”
I have the most difficult (my therapist would say impossible) time accepting praise. I sift out the good and only keep bad. Silly, I know and I’m working on changing.
So who knows, maybe I will someday realize my dream and be a published author.
Heartbreak Hill By The Light Breaks Through
A must read for anyone struggling with life’s challenges.
So, I love to sew. My daughter is wearing a Mary Poppins costume I made for her when she played Mary Poppins this past summer.
My grandmother taught me to sew when I was about 11. During middle school, I made almost all of my clothes. I used an old treadle machine which had been converted to electric. All it could do was so straight, no reverse, no zigzag, nothing extra.
When I had children I sewed for them. Dresses, usually matching which I’m sure they hated, but I loved seeing them wearing my creations. I made halloween costumes. Drapes, pillows, valances, balloon shades anything for my home I wanted.
Then when my girls no longer wanted me to sew for them, I made costumes for my neighbors’ children. And now I have come full circle and I’m sewing for myself and my girls again.
Why sew when you can go buy something already made and sometimes even cheaper? Sewing is a creative outlet. I makes my mind work hard. I love seeing what I created. But most importantly, it connects me to generations of women before me who sewed, by hand, by machine, clothing for their families.
Every time I see this commercial, it never fails to make me laugh. It answers the age old question, “Who is the boss?” Mothers wear many hats and do it with grace. And while adults believe they speak the truth, don’t we all know it’s really the children who tell it like it is? Follow this link for a smile
When you buy a diamond, the jeweler examines it for flaws. The fewer flaws it has, the higher the price. It has a greater value. I think our society has fallen into this trap except we apply the microscope to people. If they have the smallest flaw, they are dismissed. We all know the power of photoshop. I fall into this trap and don’t want to post any photo of myself unless I remove the eye wrinkles and whiten my teeth. Heaven forbid if I had some real rather than perceived flaw. If we are are privileged enough to live to old age, we will have wrinkles, scars, skin folds etc. Only those who die young, die without evidence of living.
I love the Winston Graham novels about Ross Poldark. And in book four The Black Moon, his wife is embarrassed about her scarred knees. In the modern world the husband would be giving her the name of a good plastic surgeon so she could ‘fix’ the scars. But Ross says one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read, “Blemishes on the beauty of a person one loves are like grace notes adding something to a piece of music.”
I can add nothing more profound or loving to that statement.
Yes it’s true. I’ve fallen head over heals in love. He stole my heart the first time I met him and now I get to spend two days a week with him. Who is he? He is the 16 month old son of two doctors, who I will call APL. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent time with a toddler. They have a lot of energy but they also have an infinite amount of love to give.
Observing him as he explores the world and the way it works, is fascinating. I can see his brain working. And when he laughs and smiles at me, I’m filled with joy and happiness. And it is a blessing to be able to care for him. I’d love to post a photo, but since he isn’t my son, I won’t.
When I went through my preteen and teenage years, I found it utterly ridiculous that girls had mad crushes on actors and singers. Buying TeenBeat Magazine, putting posters on their walls all seemed a waste of time. I didn’t scream at concerts or get butterflies if I thought I’d see someone famous. Did I miss something? I think I did. The idea of dreaming and longing and believing in something wonderful like love with a music star, no matter how unlikely it was, brought joy and excitement to many girls’ lives. I spent too much of my time just worrying about fitting in. I find it so interesting that now, of all times in my life, I have a mad teenage crush on a book character/actor. Of course I realize he is fictional and the actor is too young and famous, to ever be a reality, but it’s enabled be to dream a little and believe a little that there is the possibility of love again.
Aidan Turner as Ross Poldark on Masterpiece Theater/BBC
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. - Invictus
The Power of Story
Pieces of the Whole
Writing New Chapters when Life takes a Detour
Reviews of Films from the Golden Age of Hollywood
read what you love
Enriching my life with books
My life on an unexpected path 