For most of my life I was a control freak. The more I controlled, the more anxiety I had but was convinced if I had control the anxiety would be relieved.
Ask my daughters and they will confirm I did my best to control everyone and everything around me. It’s genetic. My grandmother controlled my mother. My mother did her best to control me but wasn’t always successful.
I didn’t control my girls as much, but I definitely exercised control when I could.
Then one day I realized that control was a mirage. I never had had control. When my world came crashing down, it was a tough lesson.
Now I understand control is a mirage. The only constant is the Lord. And He is always full of surprises.
So mostly now I don’t even think about uncertainty. As long as I live, what happens in life will be uncertain. And I can trust it’ll all work out.
I find myself in a weird spot. I moved to my current location because my Daughter and Son-in-law were here, but when he finished his medical residency, they moved to Northeastern Pennsylvania my younger daughter lives in Sunny Southern California. I cannot afford to live in either one of those places.
My friends from before being divorced have not stayed in contact even though I’ve tried. A couple do stay in contact, but they are very rich and travel and have second homes. They’re always going on trips and I can’t afford to do that plus they are married or they’re single with money.
I am divorced. I work full-time as a Nanny. I’m not a widow. I’m not retired. I’m obviously not married and sadly I find that most women in my age bracket are either married, retired, or widowed. I’m not free to do things during the day and as often as I hear, I love friends in all age brackets, I’ve yet to have one Mother younger than I am, invite me for coffee.
I try to understand because they see me as their mother and not as a potential friend.
I’ve searched online for social groups, but at my age they seem to all meet during the day and I’m not available. I do go to church but again I find no women in my current life stage.
The town I live in is not super small, but it’s not a metropolitan area. There are no museums. There are no concerts for well-known acts. The local community college needs all sorts of paperwork that I no longer have, to be admitted to take a class. I drive to the largest metropolitan area sometimes on the weekend to take cooking classes, but everybody in the class lives in that area and I’m over an hour away. I do go to a library book club but it’s super small and everyone is busy.
This town does not feel like home because Home is where your heart is and my heart is in Pennsylvania and California. I pray diligently and faithfully that God will lead me in the direction I need to go. I just haven’t heard God speak to me in so many years.
What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?
There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.
I have always identified with Anne Shirley. She isn’t like everyone else who accepts things as they are. She has many versions of herself. It’s not because she changes to fit in. I believe it’s because each new discovery changes her.
And that is what I believe my life has been like. I remember after I married, my mom would say things like, “I didn’t know you liked …..” It wasn’t a bad thing to say. It was only an observation about how I had changed.
I continue to change, even at 66. And to be honest some people find this troublesome. People like things to stay the same. It’s comfortable for them. But for me staying the same means being stagnant.
I am always making an effort to learn something new. I still work on learning a foreign language. I try new recipes, new places to eat, new experiences to have like making my own soda. The world is full of simple and spectacular lessons to learn.
Love of learning does that to a person. The more you experience and the more you learn, it’s impossible to stay the same.
We live in a society that promotes and expects perfection in body and face, especially in women. Botox, plastic surgery, laser treatments, fillers, lip fillers, GLP-1, diets, exercise etc.
But is perfection something we should strive for? If we erase wrinkles, stretch marks, if we were all the same size, lips all overfilled so we look like ducks, faces pulled, frozen faces, mommy makeovers would that be better?
A grace note is a type of musical ornamentation that is usually printed smaller than regular notes and serves as a brief embellishment before a principal note.
And imperfections are the grace notes for us. God made us each unique and original. No one should look the same. We should embrace the fact we are different. We should embrace aging and not erase our life with treatments.
I struggle with aging and sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I tried Botox post divorce. I was 53 and didn’t want to look old but I need to remember Growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. Embrace our difference and embrace aging.
**Quote from the Poldark book series book 5 the Black Moon. Ross is speaking to his wife Demelza.
If you could have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be?
I would have dinner with Demelza Carne Poldark. She is my favorite character from all the books I have read and I am an avid reader.
She is beautiful but most importantly she is strong, stands up for herself, is eager to learn, compassionate, kind and forgiving.
When she holds no ill will against Francis, Ross’s cousin, for destroying their business and making them practically destitute, and goes to their home to care for them when everyone in town is ill with the putrid throat, that is forgiveness at its best.
Demelza gets ill, almost dies and her daughter does dies but again she holds no resentment. I find that is miraculous.
What’s a movie or book that inspired you to travel?
I don’t remember ever having a moment in my life that I didn’t have a desire to travel. As I’ve said before I took one of those 13 countries and six week bus trips when I was in college.
I have read books that have inspired me to travel to certain places. I read a series of books about a Norwegian family that settled in the Dakotas back in the 1800s and wanted to go to Norway. Bruno chief of police series by Martin Walker inspired me to go to the Perigord region of France.
I read the Outlander books and that inspired me to go to Scotland.
I personally just love to travel, and I love to travel to places that are rich in history.
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
More than one place would be my answer. I’d like to live near my daughters, one in PA and one in Southern CA. I’d also like to have a place in the Dordogne region of France. From there I could easily explore Europe and improve my language skills.
With retirement available to me at anytime beginning in August, I’ve begun to think about what will I do.
I only came to one conclusion. I don’t think even after 10 years in this town, I’ll feel its home. Home is where your heart is and clearly mine is in PA and CA.
What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?
When I was in university I saw a poster for a group trip to Europe. I think it was 13 countries in six weeks. We would meet in London.
I worked and saved while everyone told me it was a fake poster and I’d regret my decision. I’d lose money. I did what little research was available because this was many years before the internet.
My parents took me to LAX and from there I flew to London. I had paid extra for some London excursions.
Being brave enough to go alone and join a group, knowing no one, was one of the best things I ever did. I went to countries that now no longer exist. I have lifetime memories that have the ability to look at the world from different perspectives.
So happy I didn’t listen to the naysayers and trusted my gut.
What’s something you used to believe as a kid that seems ridiculous now?
As I child I believed my parents had all the answers to any question I asked. And if you ask my mother she will tell you I asked millions of questions. She will tell also you she couldn’t answer most of them, because I was an exceptionally inquisitive child.
I was an adult before I realized my parents didn’t have all the answers. How did I come to this realization? I had extraordinary daughters who asked many questions and I was positive I didn’t have all the answers.
In one way it’s a disappointment to realize your parents aren’t perfect but it’s also a relief because you no longer have to strive to be perfect.
If you could change the ending of any book, which one would it be?
I think my answer is probably unoriginal. I read Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell when I was 16 years old. I had little perspective on life, so my focus was on the love story and not the sin and shame of slavery.
I would have Rhett turn around and return to Scarlett. Her heart longed to be loved and only Rhett could love her the way she needed to be loved. And in turn Rhett longed to be loved too and Scarlett was the only woman who could love him completely.
As I said unoriginal answer but it’s simple. Doesn’t everyone want a happy ending?
What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?
I heard once happiness is based on happenings, so it is always contingent on what is going on in your life. If you have difficult days then happiness suffers. And if you have a difficult year then happiness is fleeting.
However joy is based on deeper things, most importantly your relationship with Christ. Because while your circumstances may change, God never changes. You know you are not alone and will never be alone.
I’ll admit I have first hand knowledge of basing happiness on your circumstances. If you never have struggles or heartaches or sad days then keep basing happiness on the happenings in your life. But if you are like the rest of us and have difficult days, or weeks, or months, or years, it’s imperative you find your source of joy.
I let my divorce steal 4 years of my life that I can never get back. All I could see was how much my life has changed, focusing only on the negative aspects. Then one day my heart was introduced to a very little boy and everything began to change.
I realized I had never been alone. The Lord had a plan all along for me and for my greater joy. I had only been focusing on insignificant and transient things while He was focused on eternity.
Now I base my happiness on the never changing, always loving Lord, knowing He will always be with me in hard times and good times. It’s my job to trust and joy will come. And joy is deeper and more satisfying than unpredictable happiness.
Which languages do you speak and how did that impact your life?
I am a native English speaker and I’m very saddened to know America doesn’t encourage or promote learning another language. In reading the prompts most native English speakers speak only English unless they grew up in a dual language household. One language gives you only one way to see things. And honestly, while I make grammatical errors, the quality of English spoken in America gets worse and worse everyday.
A professor told me speaking another language lets you see the world through different eyes. I have always remembered his words.
Where I live I need to speak Spanish. Half of my grandkids’ school are Spanish speakers and many are enrolled in English as a second language. I’d love to take a course but can’t find one that works with my work schedule
At the age of eleven I started learning French in school. I stopped at the age of 14.5 yrs old. Entering college I started the language journey again and took French classes for three years. I wanted to study abroad but my dad said we couldn’t afford it. He said pick a major and graduate. I’ve regretted not finding a way to go abroad because honestly I think I would have returned upon graduation and stayed abroad.
As an adult I began again at the Alliance Français in Dallas. For my 40th birthday, I spent a week at a language school. And post divorce I spent 3 months at a language school. I watch French tv, movies and do language apps on my phone. I do not speak fluently and need people to speak slowly so I can understand them. However my love affair with the French language continues.
What’s a cultural tradition from another country that you wish existed in yours?
The ability to leave work and worries behind like they do in France. They truly have a joie de vivre that has been lost in the USA. It’s all about money, competition, looks, staying young and so many more things here.
I want to leave all of that behind and embrace life.
If you had to change your name, what would your new name be? You mean Daphne right? No it’s Daphna.
I do not like my name. I have never liked my name. My mother told me she was guilted into naming me Daphna. I was named after my grandmother. People always think I get my own name wrong.
I loved my grandmother but she was bitter and unhappy. The only time I saw her truly happy was when she was around my nephew. She had a son who tragically died before he was two and this new baby boy was special. Every time she was around him, her entire demeanor and facial expressions changed.
I was given the nickname Dede when I was around 18 months old and have been Dede ever since. But I have often wondered if I could choose my own name what would it be and would it make me a different person.
Studies have been done about the importance of a name and how it shapes you.
I think I’d want something that could have a nickname so I could be more than one person. Charlotte, Liliane, Esmé, so many possibilities.
I’ve always thought it would be fun to ask people who don’t know me what they think my name is. That would be interesting.
List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?
I read between 50 and 75 books a year, more than most but less than many. The books that have had the greatest impact on me this year are:
Theo of Golden by Allen Levi. A must read for anyone who wants a tale of kindness, forgiveness and how both can change you and the recipient.
The List of My Desires by Grégorie Delacourt. What if your dreams could come true because you won the lottery? Would it make it better or worse? What are your real values? Will they change? Will your family change? Can they be trusted? Will you be happier?
Echo Mountain by Lauren Wolk. A tale of the depression and what happens when your life changes. A comfortable life to living on a mountain, struggling to get by. The people who relocated there speak of a witch and stay away from her. Do we judge people before we meet them? Can we let go of the past and embrace the unexpected future?
All these books made me reexamine my own life and the way I think and live.
My first job like many girls was babysitting. I was 11 and made .50 cents an hour. By the time I was 13, I was making .75 cents/hour and before I was 14, it was $1.00/hour.
Between my junior and senior year of high school at the age of 16, I had my first “real” job. I was hired at Broadway Department store. I made $2.75/ hour. That was 50 years ago and the store has long since vanished. However it was the nicest department store in Las Vegas at the time and at the only mall in town.
As a freshman in college I was hired at an upscale children’s boutique owned by my billiards professor and his wife. I was making $3.25/hour plus if we sold $2070 on one day we each received a $20 bonus. We could easily reach that goal everyday in the summer. The store’s original location was at the MGM Grand Hotel. The original one which had a tragic fire and was located at Flamingo and the Strip. I helped open the location at Caesar’s Palace’s newly open shopping area. I met Patrick Duffy. He was the Man from Atlantis at the time and subsequently Bobby Ewing in Dallas. I helped Sammy Davis Jr. I met Tina Sinatra. And my most memorable day was when an old man, dressed in scruffy jeans and t-shirt with long hair in a ponytail walked in with a statuesque blonde.
She began shopping and purchased many expensive things. I don’t remember the exact amount but I know it exceeded $2,000. That would be over $8,000 in today’s money. I had no idea who they were until he returned to the store and handed me an American Express Credit card. It was exactly like the commercial. I looked at the card and recognized the name. There was no electronic approval back then. $2,000 was the store’s limit so I had to call AMEX for approval.
The man on the phone asked the amount and name on the card, I said Willie Nelson. The man on the phone didn’t believe me. I had to convince him that the man himself was standing before me.
Now for those of you who are surprised I didn’t recognize Willie, remember I was 20 years old and didn’t listen to country music.
I left that job so I could make $5.00/hour at a brand new Sax Fifth Avenue. I helped stock and open that store. It is still there in the Fashion Show Mall on the strip.
I married and moved to Iowa. I became the assistant manager of a young adult female clothing store. Ended up leaving that job to be a mom.
So that began my career as cook, cleaning lady, chauffeur, healthcare provider, nursemaid, therapist, meal planner, money manager and more responsibilities that any one person should have.
During the time my girls were teenagers I worked part time at Kohls and substitute taught.
I earned my real estate license and began selling houses in 2006. I found myself divorced in Jan 2013. I kept selling real estate but wasn’t making enough to support myself. I eventually moved to the central Texas town where I remain to this day.
After 4 full years of earning very little money to no money, I was blessed with finding a job through my daughter as a nanny. Initially it was part time and in less than a year it went to full time. That was 10 years ago. My employers added two more children for a total of 3.
Funny thing is I am back doing much of what I did when I was a full time stay at home mother. The only difference is I get paid for my services now.
There are many things I would have liked to be but I’ve accepted my calling is to love and care for those around me.
I noticed everyone is mentioning their Generation name. I am a Generation Jones, 1955-1964.
I remember hours in the library researching for assignments, trying to find the books with the information I needed. I remember searching for books in the library to read for enjoyment.
I remember consulting a book on how to care for a baby. Books for self help, on health, on travel. There was an endless supply of information. And most of them had footnotes so you could check where the information had originated.
I remember calling my relatives and friends when I needed help and information. And in turn they would call me.
Today information and misinformation are at our fingertips. It can be difficult to discern which is which. Falsehoods are believed because they are on the internet. Which has damaged healthcare in the U.S. and also perception has been woefully skewed. We can stay in contact with long lost friends to the point we have no real people in our lives.
I do enjoying shopping online since I live in a town with few choices. I enjoy the ability to send snapshots and receive snapshots of the people I love. I love being able to find the information I need in a short time, but it’s not all good.
What I miss most are handwritten letters. We can send instant messages via phone or email. But every day I am sadden when I open my mailbox and see nothing but advertisements and there are no letters.
I miss the ability to leave the day’s work behind and not have it follow me home via the phone or computer.
It’s not possible to say if before or after the internet is better. They both have things to offer and I remind myself I can turn off my phone and computer.
What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?
I suppose the answer is different for everyone. Can someone actually have it all? I thought I had it all then learned painfully over 30 years it was all a lie. More than anything I wanted a faithful, loving husband who was a good father but I refused to accept the truth. He was neither of those things. I thought the big house, luxury vehicle, trips, beautiful furnishings etc was having it all. I was WRONG!
As my life drastically changed, I felt I had lost everything only to realized I had everything that I truly valued. My daughters were the single most important part of my life and as long as we loved each other, I had it all.
And slowly with moving my focus to my relationship with God, growing closer to my daughters, letting go of wrong ideas, my happiness grew.
Happiness abounds now. I have peace, internal and eternal peace. I need nothing. God has provided for all of my needs. I do my best not to dwell on the years I wasted because each day is a glorious gift.
Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.
As I have said before, I suffered from deep depression post divorce. I tried various counselors but they all put the blame for my depression on me. They said it was the way I thought. They never acknowledged how I had been treated.
Then through a groups counseling program I met Jesse. He was getting his masters in Social worker and needed so many hours of working as a counselor. My budget was very tight because I had been without a job for 3 years. Since he was working under the guidance of a licensed Social Worker, he couldn’t charge me. I could pay him any amount I could afford.
He was the first and only therapist that acknowledged I had been emotional abused. Jess also told me in a very straight forward manor, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and I had every right to be angry and sad and depressed.
That is when I started to heal. Being acknowledged, having your feelings acknowledged validated me. He didn’t allow me to wallow in self pity but knowing my hurt and sadness was okay made all the difference.
I won $500 in 1977 in a speech contest. I put in it the bank. I started my freshman year of university, lived at home and worked almost full time.
Advertised on campus was a six week tour of Europe for students. It cost $1800 which was a huge sum of money for me but I took a leap of faith, signed up and paid the deposit.
For the entire school year I saved every possible penny. I even would pick up pennies on the ground and save them. By May I paid for the trip in full.
This entire time, my friends were telling me it was a ripoff and fake. I had faith.
My parents drove me to Los Angeles and I met up with the group. I was scared and nervous. Except for a quick trip to Canada years earlier, I had never left the country.
I spent the next six weeks on a bus, a ship and ferry with other university students, staying in hostels and basic hotels as we traveled to 13 countries.
Outstanding memories: going through Checkpoint Charlie into East Berlin and being told not to lose our passports because the U.S. couldn’t help us and we’d be stuck.
Not being allowed into Yugoslavia until one of the male students cut off his beard to verify he was the same guy in his passport photo.
Going to our tour guide’s family home in Austria and having homemade strudel.
Some of the countries I visited no longer exist. It was a different time then. But this trip, instilled in me a love of traveling and being brave enough to go when I knew no one.
My life on an unexpected path 