By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]
When I look into the mirror who do I see?
Who is that woman looking at me?
Is it the girl who had big daydreams,
Of love, adventure and French sunbeams?
Is it the teenager who doubted every decision she made?
The insecure girl who found herself betrayed?
Is it the young woman in love and ready to embark on life?
Or the woman whose husband sliced her heart with a knife?
Is it the mother blessed with two compassionate girls
Who has the love from two of God’s precious pearls?
Is it the woman who is past her prime?
Watching the clock and hearing the tick tock of time?
Or is it the woman who has fought and struggled to reclaim her life?
Learning new lessons, knowledge and how to deal with strife?
One image placed upon another to reflect not just one woman’s soul
But a blending of each reflection so she can learn she’s not broken but whole.
“We read to know we’re not alone.” -William Nicholson, Shadowlands
I read everyday. It’s not unusual for me to read one book in two days. I read because I am alone. I am always alone. Except for the group I meet with three times a week, I see no one and I talk to no one.
Isolation is not a good thing but it is an addictive thing. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. One day turns to two and two turns into three and before you know it a week, a month goes by.
I never intended to be in this place of loneliness. This deep, dark well of drowning sadness. Someone born without a soul stole mine. And I won’t steal someone’s soul because I no longer have one. That is cruel and evil.
Everyday gets more difficult. Everyday is longer than the last. Everyday I think it will be my last.
“The garden was nothing to her anymore. Let it run to waste and let the giant weeds grow. It would match the desolation of her soul” Demelza from Warleggans by Winston Graham
I feel just like Demelza describes in this passage. It feels as though my life and soul are being choked out by weeds. Where beauty and happiness resided now you’ll find a wasteland of weeds. I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. Yes, my ex did horrible things. He did things that no man should ever do and no woman should ever accept. But since the end of my marriage, I let the seeds of misery grow in my heart and it has become a garden overgrown with weeds.
Just like weeding a real garden, it is difficult work and it’s always horrible to face the prospect of all the work. Changing my life is not less daunting. It is hard work and there are no guarantees the time and energy will make any difference. At times it is overwhelming. There are days I think I see the bloom of a flower but as quickly as it comes, it’s gone.
I just have to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Just like pulling weeds from the garden, you do it one at a time and make sure you gets the roots or the weed will just come back. I’m making sure I get the roots this time.