Month: October 2015

Posted in books, communication, daily prompt, Dreaming, letters, sweepstakes, vacation, Writing

Sweepstakes

Posted on by Dede

giveaway

   Do you ever get lost in a daydream? Wonder what it would be like to travel to faraway destinations. Do you look at photos from around the world on Instagram? I do. I love the window into lives around the world. I also love to write letters. There is something so personal and intimate about letters. While they may not be immediate communication, they are something which can express who you are and how you feel so much better than a text or email. When I receive a handwritten card or letter in my mail, it brightens my day. So I am going to help you by giving away a set of three 5 x 7 notecards and two postcards by Hunter and Hobbs valued at $20. Photos taken in Switzerland and France.

To enter: Click the link and follow the simple directions to enter. Additional entries are available by following the directions. Good Luck!

Hunter and Hobbs Sweepstakes

giveaway1

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, book, Experience, Faith, family, friendship, God, love, mistakes, relationships, Uncategorized, Writing

It’s only now that can be

Posted on by Dede

  
“All we know is this moment, and this moment, Ross, we are alive! We are. We are. The past is over, it’s gone. What is to come doesn’t exist yet. That’s tomorrow! It’s only now that can ever be, at any one moment. And at this moment, now,  we are alive – and together. We can’t ask more. There isn’t anymore to ask.” Demelza Poldark in The Angry Tide by Winston Graham.

I find myself returning again and again to the book series by Winston Graham. Each character has so much wisdom and insight, even the characters who are not so likable. 

While I am not in a relationship now, the wisdom in Demelza’s words are powerful. She is right that we only have this moment to live. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to be. We plan our lives. It’s what we are taught to do. Make a plan. Follow the rules. Love God. Love your neighbor. Unfortunately too many of us think this is some protection from future harm and sadness when it’s not. While a plan may prevent small things from going wrong, ultimately we have no guarantees in this life. 

The best planning can not prevent tragedy from touching us. Some are lucky and go through life without so much as a hiccup but I wonder if ultimately having a life with no waves, no bumps, no mountains to climb makes for a shallow, less meaningful life. Because I believe it is our struggles and perseverance through those challenges that create the richness of life. The only way to see the the beautiful valley is to climb to the peak and that is never easy.

Demelza stumbles, as does Ross through life but their lives become deep, colorful, memorable and woven tightly together. Whether it’s a marriage, a familial relationship or a friendship it’s our shared struggles that strengthen the ties that bind us.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, divorce, Dreaming, family, marriage, New life, Writing

Freedom to those we love

Posted on by Dede

 

“We have to live our own lives. We have to give freedom to those we love.” Ross Poldark in Angry Tide by Winston Graham

Ross makes this comment as he and his wife leave their children behind as they head for London. She is sad upon leaving the children at home and Ross reminds her that before she knows it the children will be leaving her.

As a parent we all must face the moment when we know our children are adults and independent. It’s bittersweet because you want them to grow up, live their lives and be happy but you will forever miss your babies. I think that is one reason as a parent it is sometimes difficult to step back when they are adults and let them find their way. In our eyes they are still our babies. As a mother there is always this overwhelming desire you fight to keep them children.

I always knew my children would grow up and go out on their own, making their way in the world. What I never thought about was the first statement Ross makes. We have to live our own lives. I forgot in those years as a mother and wife I needed to make a life of my own separate from them. It is even more true now that I am divorced. I never thought about being anyone other than a wife and mother. It is much more challenging than I anticipated to find my own way in the world. I feel like the one who has had adulthood thrust upon her unexpectedly.

I know my passion but the question is can I make a living? Can I support myself? Do I have the discipline needed to focus and make it work? That is yet to be determined.

imageIn response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Right to Brag.”

This brag is nothing grand or spectacular. This woman didn’t save a life, win an award or do anything of particular note. However for someone that has allowed divorce and depression to lock her away in a dark place of fear and sadness where she might never find freedom, these choices say there is hope. What did she do?

She signed up for a sewing class and made a pillow. And she has two more classes where she will create a messenger bag. She found, was approved and accepted into an intensive outpatient program for people with depression/anxiety issues which meets three times a week for three hours and last but certainly not least, she agreed to a social evening out with her daughter and son-in-law. It wasn’t a quiet evening because that would have been simple but it was a fall festival with their church. It was held in the country at a member’s home. There were babies and children everywhere. There were trees, lots of land, great barbecue and a beautiful sunset.

For someone who has always been social and a doer, to be trapped in a world of depression, sadness and anxiety the past few years has been a living nightmare. So these small but significant steps are leading her to be an active member of the world again.

Right to Brag?

Quote• Posted on by Dede

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ready for Your Close-up.”

movie

   I’ve thought about this prompt for a while. It isn’t an easy challenge because I have to decide which part of my life I’d like to make into a movie. Should I choose the early years which I can’t remember and how would a screenwriter get it right? Do I choose my turbulent teens years? No, that would just be another movie about a girl (me) being the target of mean girls. That’s already been done. Do I choose all 30 years of my marriage? No, that would be too long. So in the end I would make a movie of the last ten years of my life. Those were the most challenging, heartbreaking and ultimately rewarding.

  Casting is a challenge because the actors I would choose don’t necessarily meet the correct age requirements but since this is a fantasy movie, I figure I have leeway and can imagine the actors at the appropriate ages for the part.

A slightly older Keri Russell would be me. She has fabulous curly hair which she embraces. I have never been able to embrace my curly hair and would love to see me played by someone who does. She also has the ability to play a loving, creative and happy woman with a strong, resilient side.

Ron Howard would be my husband ex-husband. He would have to a play a character with a dual personality. He would be the nice guy next door with a dark and nasty secret that ultimately destroys his family.

A young Maggie Gyllenhaal would be my oldest daughter. She looks so much like my daughter many people have asked if she is actually Maggie G. Maggie is very talented, has a fabulous smile, is a great actress and has a happy adult life. All which describe my daughter.

A young Kirsten Dunst would be my younger daughter. My younger daughter looks a lot like Kirsten, has an infectious smile, a serious side and a streak of independence.

Toby McGuire would play my son-in-law. He has such incredible talent and so does my son-in-law. He can do anything he sets his mind to so an actor of great versatility would be needed. Toby has played a superhero to a drive jockey who suffered abuse. He would be able to capture the uniqueness of my son-in-law.

Stephen King would have to write the story because he has a way of weaving a tale of normalcy which is laced with intrigue and horror because that is exactly what the last ten years of my life have been. On the surface my life appeared happy and normal but there were secrets. These secrets were nasty, dirty and life altering. A nice, loving suburban family was the chosen hiding place for a psychopathic narcissist. And when the truth comes out, our world explodes and it is only through love that the three remaining survive.

It would need an incredible soundtrack because music evokes emotion and sets the tone. I think a soundtrack of music from the time period would be best interspersed with original music. My oldest daughter would sing the original signature song and my younger daughter would be the costume designer.

And ultimately it would be a blockbuster movie because the audience would see elements of their own lives in the characters and story.

Ready for My Close-up

Quote• Posted on by Dede

image

In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Happy Place.”

My happy place is anywhere and anyplace I have a book and can read. Books allow me to go so many places, to time travel, to experience things I could never do in one lifetime. I can be a courtesan to a king, a young orphan girl, a miner’s daughter, an Australian wife, a single woman seeking love in Paris, a nurse, a cancer patient, a divorce survivor, a bride and so many, many more.

My Happy Place

Quote• Posted on by Dede
Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, God, help, marriage, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, Writing, writing101

Season of Waiting

Posted on by Dede

I have been unemployed officially for almost three years. For the 30 years prior to this I was “employed” as a wife and then subsequently as a mother. When my husband divorced me it never occurred to me I would not be able to find a job.

It has been a HUGE stressor in my life. I spend many hours several times a week submitting applications. When I’m finished I am exhausted. Then when the rejection letters inevitably arrive, it throws me into a deep depression and serious anxiety attack.

My faith says God has a reason to keep me in this season of waiting. I don’t know why and clearly he doesn’t want me to know yet. It is taking its toll on me though and I don’t have much longer of a financial cushion. 

So I wait. I watch. I try. I pray. I listen. And I begin again.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, book, books, choices, depression, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, fear, forgiveness, Goal, God, Health, help, love, marriage, mistakes, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized, values

Giant weeds Grow

Posted on by Dede

  “The garden was nothing to her anymore. Let it run to waste and let the giant weeds grow. It would match the desolation of her soul” Demelza from Warleggans by Winston Graham

I feel just like Demelza describes in this passage. It feels as though my life and soul are being choked out by weeds. Where beauty and happiness resided now you’ll find a wasteland of weeds. I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. Yes, my ex did horrible things. He did things that no man should ever do and no woman should ever accept. But since the end of my marriage, I let the seeds of misery grow in my heart and it has become a garden overgrown with weeds. 

Just like weeding a real garden, it is difficult work and it’s always horrible to face the prospect of all the work. Changing my life is not less daunting. It is hard work and there are no guarantees the time and energy will make any difference. At times it is overwhelming. There are days I think I see the bloom of a flower but as quickly as it comes, it’s gone.

I just have to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Just like pulling weeds from the garden, you do it one at a time and make sure you gets the roots or the weed will just come back. I’m making sure I get the roots this time.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Express Yourself!.”

From the title of my response it’s probably clear I like to see and write. Not skills need work to be at a level I would like. I feel I sense of accomplishment when I make something and my emotions are released when I write which always feels good.

Sew write

Quote• Posted on by Dede
Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, Dreaming, Experience, fashion, Fun, Goal, help, love, New life, questions, Sew, writing101

See many bad habits

Posted on by Dede

  Today I had my first class from http://www.stitch labs.biz in Austin. I’ve seen for years but have acquired many bad habits. Bad habits in sewing and life. Working on changing bad sewing habits and bad life habits.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, costumes, daughters, depression, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, family, fashion, fear, friends, friendship, Fun, Goal, God, help, Hiding, love, New life, Uncategorized, women, Writing, writing lessons, writing101

And Sew it Begins

Posted on by Dede

 

As I have said in my earlier posts, I’ve become a recluse. I have begun to worry if I am developing agoraphobia (the fear of public places). It’s so easy to stay in my apartment and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I have made the first step towards to shutting the door or should I say opening the door to prevent that from happening.

I have signed up for three weeks of sewing classes at Stitch Labs in Austin. I have been sewing for more than 40 years, but didn’t want to take a class that would be so frustrating I would end up feeling like a failure. So I selected a beginner II class. We will make a pillow with piping and a zipper the first week. The following two weeks we will make a book style bag. I hope to brush up my skills and then possibly take a more advance class.

One of my most cherished memories are the dresses I made for my daughters and all the Halloweens I made costumes for them and then later on for my neighbors’ children. The photos bring back such happy memories. With this class, I hope to take the first step towards making happy memories again.

Posted in Blogging, choices, depression, diet, divorce, exercise, Goal, Health, weight

Easier on Than off

Posted on by Dede

   In 2012 I decided to get healthy. I chose good healthy food. I hired a trainer and I exercised faithfully. The result? A smoking hot 52 year old woman. I felt good about myself. For the first time in my life, I liked the way I looked even though I was 20 pounds heavier than I had been when I was younger. I was desperately trying to save my marriage, but could no longer hold together a marriage with a man who was an alcoholic, porn addicted, sex addicted, selfish narcissist. So when he said he wanted a divorce that he had always had one foot out the door (so I hadn’t been crazy after all) I said fine.

zz Summer 2012 when I was taking care of myself.

  However I fell into a deep depression, literally going off the crazy cliff. I have spent the last three years eating for comfort. I stopped exercising. I became a recluse. And the result is not pretty. My depression has not improved. My health has deteriorated and my weight has increased. And it’s the eternal battle of the bulge. Putting it on is so much easier and more fun than trying to take it off.

  My family health history tells me I am headed down the wrong path if I don’t change my ways. I have started by finding a program for my mental health. Once it begins to improve, then I will tackle the task of my physical health. Anyone with a serious weight problem understands that food is just the drug of choice. The overeating, the lack of physical exercise are symptoms of something churning internally. My goal is finish out 2015 healthier both in mind and body.

Posted in Uncategorized

French Friday

Posted on by Dede

paris (2)

For https://amaviedecoeurentier.wordpress.com/ French Friday

This is the view from the very simple hotel that I stay in when I am lucky enough to go to Paris. Looking out I feel like I am in a movie.

Posted in communication, friendship, love, Mail, Writing

Text vs Email vs Letter

Posted on by Dede

note

According to the internet there are six billion texts and 100 billions emails sent every day. Personal, handwritten letters are almost extinct. When I searched online for how many letters are sent everyday all I could find were estimates from several years ago and it was for total pieces of mail. The number was about 700 million which would include advertisements, bills and just general junk mail. So there is no definitive answer to how many personal letters are sent daily.

Should it matter how you communicate as long as you communicate with those you love? Speed would be the primary argument in favor of a text. You write it. You hit send. And the message is almost instantaneously received on the other end. Argument for e-mail is that it allows a time trail of communication with each email sent being time and date stamped. So aren’t those methods the best? Don’t they make the most sense?

If you are trying to send a simple message, then yes, those methods work. But I was thinking about the importance of a handwritten note or letter and why it has so much more significance. First it takes time and effort to hand write a note, then address an envelope, stamp it and mail it. So just the very act of doing it says to the receiver you care. Second meaning can be carried in the handwriting itself. Handwriting is personal. Everyone has a slightly different style. And over time a recipient can see changes in the writing. Does your mother’s hand look weaker than normal? Is your friend stressing certain words differently? Next, a note or letter can carry the scent of the person who wrote it. We’ve all heard of the perfume scented letter but what about one that has the scent of smoked wood, or vanilla or anything that leaves a personal mark. It creates a sense of being closer when you are aware of the scent of the sender. And if we only communicate by text and email, when we are gone from this world what will remain of us? How will future generations know we loved our family and friends? What written evidence will be left? Certainly not our texts and emails.

So take a chance. Go buy some inexpensive note cards (they usually don’t allow a lot of room for writing so the sender doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the need to fill the page), buy some stamps, compile a list of five friends or family members and write them a short note. Make it a habit. When I receive a note or letter in my mailbox among the bills or junk, it completely brightens my day and all for under $1.

Posted in Faith, fear, God

Fear and Faith

Posted on by Dede

Can fear and faith co-exist? I keep reading that if I have true faith then I won’t be afraid. Does my fear mean I don’t have faith? I pray. I meditate on God’s word. I listen for His voice and hear nothing. A new town means a new church and I feel lost trying to find the place I am supposed to be.

I read about how God provides. There are many amazing stories of ways God provides for those in need. But we also know that there are millions who still go hungry, have no home, no job, and can’t see anyway up and out of the fear regardless of their faith.

I know God never promised an easy life. He just promised to always be with me. I am currently in the midst of a trial and it has been going on for several years. I am still unemployed, alone, friendless. What I have won’t last much longer. I am afraid. I admit it. I keep praying for more faith to chase away my fear but my fear remains. I see God working in other people’s lives and then wonder will He remember me or are my problems too trivial?

My fear and faith are co-existing right now and battling it out. I want my faith to win. I want to truly believe God hasn’t forgotten me and my fears and my needs.

Posted in Blogging, God, marriage, men, relationships, weddings, women

Missed the Point

Posted on by Dede

bride-163539_640                                                                   bar-731903_640

 I tried a new church today. The topic was marriage and the pastor began by talking about a ceremony where a woman marries herself and states she will live life to the fullest. There have been four women that have had these ceremonies but no men. Now he went down the path of marriage being between a man and a woman and nothing else. I think he totally missed the point of those ceremonies. Those women weren’t being self-indulgent or trying to redefine marriage. As a society we have taught single women that they are less than married women. If a woman reaches thirty unmarried, she is inundated with questions. However as a society we don’t ask single men in their thirties why aren’t they married yet. I think those women were saying that their lives were no less full and happy because they were single.

   Women do not have the same choices as men, even though society insists that we do. Women do not have an open door on fertility. Freezing eggs is not a choice for 99.9% of women. So if a woman wants children of her own and doesn’t want to do it alone, she must be married. Society has let men extend their adolescence into their late thirties and early forties. They focus on their career, having fun with their friends, sleep around and then decide to get married. If a woman waits until then to marry she may still be able to have children but it is not a given. A fifty year old man can marry a 30 year old woman and start his family. The reverse is not possible.

   There is still a double standard. Men can date down economically and in age. While people make jokes about cougars, the reality is most men who don’t have a family yet, won’t give up that option by marrying an older woman. And if a financially successful woman is in a relationship with a man who is not her financial equal, there is static on both sides. But a financially successful man routinely throws away the wife that got him to where he is and marries a much younger woman. No one bats an eye.

  So I think the pastor missed the point of those ceremonies. Women need to not feel less than because they are single. And rather than preaching about single women deciding to be happy being single, he should be preaching to the man-boys about growing up, being Godly men and putting away childish things. He should preach about how easily men are tempted and pulled away from their wives and families.  He should be out there helping men of all ages see that a relationship with God will enhance their lives, make their lives richer (not $$), and ground them in a way they need.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, forgiveness, friends, God, help, love, mistakes, New life, people, questions

The Future

Posted on by Dede

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    Years ago I took a Bible study class and the question was asked if we would want to know our future if we were not able to change whatever may come? I said yes. Everyone else who was 15-20 years older than I was, said no. They explained that as humans if we knew the future we would spend our time focusing on the hardships and sorrows to come rather than embrace the joys we would experience. At the time I wasn’t sure I understood. I do now. If I had known fifteen years ago the heartache, betrayal and pain my husband (now ex-husband) would bring, I would have missed twelve years that did hold many happy times with my daughters, family and friends. My focus would have been on all the wrong things.

I don’t know what my future holds. Right now I find looking too far down the path frightening. I spent 30 years of my life working towards a life I no longer can have. I’ve spent the last three years being very bitter and angry because I feel like my life was stolen from me. However the bitterness and anger can’t sustain me. I have to move forward and build I new vision for my life. Hence the name of my blog, Life Rewritten. I am having to rewrite my future.

What I hope the future holds is good health for myself and my family. I hope I finally let go of the bitterness and anger, and move towards gratefulness and joy. I hope I finally can find a job so I can support myself.I hope to find a way to truly make a difference in this world. I hope my daughters and son-in-law stay joyful and happy. I hope my single daughter find Mr. Right. I hope I eventually have grandchildren. Those are my hopes and I believe there is a high probability of those things happening. Now for my dreams, I don’t honestly think they will happen. I dream of meeting Mr. Right (not likely at my age because men like younger women). I dream of owning a home and not living in an apartment for the rest of my life. I dream of being able to afford to travel again.

But we will never know our futures until our future is in our past. And we can’t change our pasts or completely control our futures. So faith becomes key. Hebrews 11:1 NIV “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Posted in Blogging101, Dreaming, Experience, love, Uncategorized, writing101

French Friday

Posted on by Dede

For Tjparis French Friday love quotes. Some lyrics from J’ai dit oui. It is from the French musical Robin des Bois sung by Caroline Costa.

  

Posted in Blogging101, Dreaming, Faith, family, friends, friendship, love, New life, Uncategorized, writing101

Wildflower Wednesday

Posted on by Dede

This is for tjparis at La vie est trop courte pour boire mauvais vin. 

I received these lovely flowers today from a friend for my birthday.