I have spoken too many times in my life without thinking about the damage my words would do. And sadly it is a learned behavior because hurtful words still resonate in my soul.
Speaking without thinking
Thinking without speaking
Hurtful words spewed
Venomous syllables
Cutting to the bone
Driving through the soul
Never to be undone
Collateral damage
Regret and sorrow
I want to eat my words
I want them back
I want to repair hearts
I want my soul healed
Excellent question because I never gave it much thought. I probably should have a place reserved just for writing but I have to be honest, I usually write with my computer on my lap and my cat next to me on the sofa. I live alone and get tired of silence. It becomes deafening and overwhelming, so I have my TV on too much.
I need to find a quiet place to let my thoughts flow so I can become a better writer.
“We envy a man for something he has and yet the truth may be he hasn’t got it after all and we have.” Francis Poldark PBS
We live in a world where the message is what you have isn’t enough. We are taught we need to be ambitious, make more money, attain a higher status, just get more. But does stuff and more money make us happy? Does it make us envy our friends and neighbors more or less? Do we ever reach a point when we’ve reached the pinnacle of success and feel satisfied or are we on some endless road?
I think the character Francis Poldark from the Winston Graham book series Poldark’s worcs ring just as true now as when Mr. Graham wrote them and also when Francis was supposed to have said them in the late 1700s. People don’t change. Status whether it’s brought by money, a beautiful wife, a big house or a successful business is a temporary fix for what we all desire on a deeper level.
Things are temporary. Jobs are temporary. Relationships can be shallow. Money comes and goes. But what if while we are so busy acquiring and envying others we miss the joy we already have in our lives? Studies have proven money doesn’t make us happy. It makes us comfortable and offers security on one level. I understand how devastating it can be to lose financial security. I’ve lost all the financial security I had when I divorced. I understand how devastating job loss and loss of a relationship can be. I was married for 30 years only to be tossed aside. It hurt. It still does. I see my friends’ lives and the security they still have. I feel envious. I feel cheated. I feel angry that my ex could discard me and our daughters like yesterday’s trash.
But what I’ve realized is that if I spend my time envying the life I had, the lives of my friends then I cheat myself out of recognizing the blessings and joys that I have in my life now. I have close and loving relationships with my daughters and son-in-law. I’ve learned who my true friends are and that the appearance of happiness doesn’t mean they are happy. I have peace of mind. I no longer wonder in what new way my ex husband was going to betray me and hurt me. I’ve learned I’m strong.
So Francis is right. We’ve had it all along.
In the midst of the crowd
Are lives being lived
Hearts being broken
Dreams being realized
Goodbyes being whispered
Hellos being shouted
Business being conducted
Weariness being all encompassing
Love being healing
Seconds being stolen
Minutes being horded
Hours being occupied
Days being treasured
Time to embrace life being lost to the
busyness of the day.
Choice
How do you know that one choice can change your life?
Will it be a choice that leads to happiness?
Or will it bring heartache and sorrow?
One choice only to realize you discarded 999 others.
999 other choices which would lead you to a different life.
A better life?
A happier life?
A life without pain and grief?
A life filled with loved ones who love you in return?
But,
Another choice may not give you your precious daughters.
Another choice might not give you loving friends.
Another choice may be full of poverty
Poverty of the mind, heart and soul.
Choices
one made each day
always leading us where we go
and 999 other left unexplored
Opening and closing doors.
I blog because I am alone. The walls close in and I feel buried beneath the weight of lost hopes and dreams.
I blog because it gives me a voice even if no one ever reads my posts.
I blog to connect to an unseen world of souls.
I blog because I have always loved to write and one can only keep so many journals before they overtake space.
I blog because maybe someday, somewhere, some moment I will find the inspiration, dedication and focus I need to actually write a book.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Million-Dollar Question.”
Listed in no particular order as all of them have touched me in someway equally.
I write because my head is full of words
words unspoken
I write because my head is full of dreams
dreams unfulfilled
I write because my head is full of ideas
ideas unexplored
I write because I have a voice
a voice unheard
Do you ever get lost in a daydream? Wonder what it would be like to travel to faraway destinations. Do you look at photos from around the world on Instagram? I do. I love the window into lives around the world. I also love to write letters. There is something so personal and intimate about letters. While they may not be immediate communication, they are something which can express who you are and how you feel so much better than a text or email. When I receive a handwritten card or letter in my mail, it brightens my day. So I am going to help you by giving away a set of three 5 x 7 notecards and two postcards by Hunter and Hobbs valued at $20. Photos taken in Switzerland and France.
To enter: Click the link and follow the simple directions to enter. Additional entries are available by following the directions. Good Luck!
“All we know is this moment, and this moment, Ross, we are alive! We are. We are. The past is over, it’s gone. What is to come doesn’t exist yet. That’s tomorrow! It’s only now that can ever be, at any one moment. And at this moment, now, we are alive – and together. We can’t ask more. There isn’t anymore to ask.” Demelza Poldark in The Angry Tide by Winston Graham.
I find myself returning again and again to the book series by Winston Graham. Each character has so much wisdom and insight, even the characters who are not so likable.
While I am not in a relationship now, the wisdom in Demelza’s words are powerful. She is right that we only have this moment to live. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to be. We plan our lives. It’s what we are taught to do. Make a plan. Follow the rules. Love God. Love your neighbor. Unfortunately too many of us think this is some protection from future harm and sadness when it’s not. While a plan may prevent small things from going wrong, ultimately we have no guarantees in this life.
The best planning can not prevent tragedy from touching us. Some are lucky and go through life without so much as a hiccup but I wonder if ultimately having a life with no waves, no bumps, no mountains to climb makes for a shallow, less meaningful life. Because I believe it is our struggles and perseverance through those challenges that create the richness of life. The only way to see the the beautiful valley is to climb to the peak and that is never easy.
Demelza stumbles, as does Ross through life but their lives become deep, colorful, memorable and woven tightly together. Whether it’s a marriage, a familial relationship or a friendship it’s our shared struggles that strengthen the ties that bind us.
“We have to live our own lives. We have to give freedom to those we love.” Ross Poldark in Angry Tide by Winston Graham
Ross makes this comment as he and his wife leave their children behind as they head for London. She is sad upon leaving the children at home and Ross reminds her that before she knows it the children will be leaving her.
As a parent we all must face the moment when we know our children are adults and independent. It’s bittersweet because you want them to grow up, live their lives and be happy but you will forever miss your babies. I think that is one reason as a parent it is sometimes difficult to step back when they are adults and let them find their way. In our eyes they are still our babies. As a mother there is always this overwhelming desire you fight to keep them children.
I always knew my children would grow up and go out on their own, making their way in the world. What I never thought about was the first statement Ross makes. We have to live our own lives. I forgot in those years as a mother and wife I needed to make a life of my own separate from them. It is even more true now that I am divorced. I never thought about being anyone other than a wife and mother. It is much more challenging than I anticipated to find my own way in the world. I feel like the one who has had adulthood thrust upon her unexpectedly.
I know my passion but the question is can I make a living? Can I support myself? Do I have the discipline needed to focus and make it work? That is yet to be determined.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Right to Brag.”
This brag is nothing grand or spectacular. This woman didn’t save a life, win an award or do anything of particular note. However for someone that has allowed divorce and depression to lock her away in a dark place of fear and sadness where she might never find freedom, these choices say there is hope. What did she do?
She signed up for a sewing class and made a pillow. And she has two more classes where she will create a messenger bag. She found, was approved and accepted into an intensive outpatient program for people with depression/anxiety issues which meets three times a week for three hours and last but certainly not least, she agreed to a social evening out with her daughter and son-in-law. It wasn’t a quiet evening because that would have been simple but it was a fall festival with their church. It was held in the country at a member’s home. There were babies and children everywhere. There were trees, lots of land, great barbecue and a beautiful sunset.
For someone who has always been social and a doer, to be trapped in a world of depression, sadness and anxiety the past few years has been a living nightmare. So these small but significant steps are leading her to be an active member of the world again.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ready for Your Close-up.”
I’ve thought about this prompt for a while. It isn’t an easy challenge because I have to decide which part of my life I’d like to make into a movie. Should I choose the early years which I can’t remember and how would a screenwriter get it right? Do I choose my turbulent teens years? No, that would just be another movie about a girl (me) being the target of mean girls. That’s already been done. Do I choose all 30 years of my marriage? No, that would be too long. So in the end I would make a movie of the last ten years of my life. Those were the most challenging, heartbreaking and ultimately rewarding.
Casting is a challenge because the actors I would choose don’t necessarily meet the correct age requirements but since this is a fantasy movie, I figure I have leeway and can imagine the actors at the appropriate ages for the part.
A slightly older Keri Russell would be me. She has fabulous curly hair which she embraces. I have never been able to embrace my curly hair and would love to see me played by someone who does. She also has the ability to play a loving, creative and happy woman with a strong, resilient side.
Ron Howard would be my husband ex-husband. He would have to a play a character with a dual personality. He would be the nice guy next door with a dark and nasty secret that ultimately destroys his family.
A young Maggie Gyllenhaal would be my oldest daughter. She looks so much like my daughter many people have asked if she is actually Maggie G. Maggie is very talented, has a fabulous smile, is a great actress and has a happy adult life. All which describe my daughter.
A young Kirsten Dunst would be my younger daughter. My younger daughter looks a lot like Kirsten, has an infectious smile, a serious side and a streak of independence.
Toby McGuire would play my son-in-law. He has such incredible talent and so does my son-in-law. He can do anything he sets his mind to so an actor of great versatility would be needed. Toby has played a superhero to a drive jockey who suffered abuse. He would be able to capture the uniqueness of my son-in-law.
Stephen King would have to write the story because he has a way of weaving a tale of normalcy which is laced with intrigue and horror because that is exactly what the last ten years of my life have been. On the surface my life appeared happy and normal but there were secrets. These secrets were nasty, dirty and life altering. A nice, loving suburban family was the chosen hiding place for a psychopathic narcissist. And when the truth comes out, our world explodes and it is only through love that the three remaining survive.
It would need an incredible soundtrack because music evokes emotion and sets the tone. I think a soundtrack of music from the time period would be best interspersed with original music. My oldest daughter would sing the original signature song and my younger daughter would be the costume designer.
And ultimately it would be a blockbuster movie because the audience would see elements of their own lives in the characters and story.
In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Happy Place.”
My happy place is anywhere and anyplace I have a book and can read. Books allow me to go so many places, to time travel, to experience things I could never do in one lifetime. I can be a courtesan to a king, a young orphan girl, a miner’s daughter, an Australian wife, a single woman seeking love in Paris, a nurse, a cancer patient, a divorce survivor, a bride and so many, many more.
I have been unemployed officially for almost three years. For the 30 years prior to this I was “employed” as a wife and then subsequently as a mother. When my husband divorced me it never occurred to me I would not be able to find a job.
It has been a HUGE stressor in my life. I spend many hours several times a week submitting applications. When I’m finished I am exhausted. Then when the rejection letters inevitably arrive, it throws me into a deep depression and serious anxiety attack.
My faith says God has a reason to keep me in this season of waiting. I don’t know why and clearly he doesn’t want me to know yet. It is taking its toll on me though and I don’t have much longer of a financial cushion.
So I wait. I watch. I try. I pray. I listen. And I begin again.
“The garden was nothing to her anymore. Let it run to waste and let the giant weeds grow. It would match the desolation of her soul” Demelza from Warleggans by Winston Graham
I feel just like Demelza describes in this passage. It feels as though my life and soul are being choked out by weeds. Where beauty and happiness resided now you’ll find a wasteland of weeds. I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. Yes, my ex did horrible things. He did things that no man should ever do and no woman should ever accept. But since the end of my marriage, I let the seeds of misery grow in my heart and it has become a garden overgrown with weeds.
Just like weeding a real garden, it is difficult work and it’s always horrible to face the prospect of all the work. Changing my life is not less daunting. It is hard work and there are no guarantees the time and energy will make any difference. At times it is overwhelming. There are days I think I see the bloom of a flower but as quickly as it comes, it’s gone.
I just have to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Just like pulling weeds from the garden, you do it one at a time and make sure you gets the roots or the weed will just come back. I’m making sure I get the roots this time.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Express Yourself!.”
From the title of my response it’s probably clear I like to see and write. Not skills need work to be at a level I would like. I feel I sense of accomplishment when I make something and my emotions are released when I write which always feels good.
Today I had my first class from http://www.stitch labs.biz in Austin. I’ve seen for years but have acquired many bad habits. Bad habits in sewing and life. Working on changing bad sewing habits and bad life habits.
As I have said in my earlier posts, I’ve become a recluse. I have begun to worry if I am developing agoraphobia (the fear of public places). It’s so easy to stay in my apartment and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I have made the first step towards to shutting the door or should I say opening the door to prevent that from happening.
I have signed up for three weeks of sewing classes at Stitch Labs in Austin. I have been sewing for more than 40 years, but didn’t want to take a class that would be so frustrating I would end up feeling like a failure. So I selected a beginner II class. We will make a pillow with piping and a zipper the first week. The following two weeks we will make a book style bag. I hope to brush up my skills and then possibly take a more advance class.
One of my most cherished memories are the dresses I made for my daughters and all the Halloweens I made costumes for them and then later on for my neighbors’ children. The photos bring back such happy memories. With this class, I hope to take the first step towards making happy memories again.
In 2012 I decided to get healthy. I chose good healthy food. I hired a trainer and I exercised faithfully. The result? A smoking hot 52 year old woman. I felt good about myself. For the first time in my life, I liked the way I looked even though I was 20 pounds heavier than I had been when I was younger. I was desperately trying to save my marriage, but could no longer hold together a marriage with a man who was an alcoholic, porn addicted, sex addicted, selfish narcissist. So when he said he wanted a divorce that he had always had one foot out the door (so I hadn’t been crazy after all) I said fine.
Summer 2012 when I was taking care of myself.
However I fell into a deep depression, literally going off the crazy cliff. I have spent the last three years eating for comfort. I stopped exercising. I became a recluse. And the result is not pretty. My depression has not improved. My health has deteriorated and my weight has increased. And it’s the eternal battle of the bulge. Putting it on is so much easier and more fun than trying to take it off.
My family health history tells me I am headed down the wrong path if I don’t change my ways. I have started by finding a program for my mental health. Once it begins to improve, then I will tackle the task of my physical health. Anyone with a serious weight problem understands that food is just the drug of choice. The overeating, the lack of physical exercise are symptoms of something churning internally. My goal is finish out 2015 healthier both in mind and body.
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. - Invictus
The Power of Story
Pieces of the Whole
Writing New Chapters when Life takes a Detour
Reviews of Films from the Golden Age of Hollywood
read what you love
Enriching my life with books
My life on an unexpected path 