This is a small country church set in the flat lands of central Texas. Even though it is small it carries on with worship and sharing the good news. For fellow believers I have a question because I need help.
I can’t seem to find hope for tomorrow. I believe in the hope and promise of heaven but right now while I am still on God’s green earth, I’ve lost my hope. My good friend called me recently because of a very upsetting conversation I had with my mother. Even she said if you could just have something go your way, catch a break, get good news, it would help so much. I very much feel like an amateur man’s version of Job. My life doesn’t even begin to compare to his, but my battle with depression creates a barrier to finding hope. My therapist says I shouldn’t need to hold onto the idea of something good happening in my life to be happy and content. Just being alive should be enough.
So fellow believers, how do I persevere? How do I dig my way out of hopelessness? How do I find where I belong when my entire life was ripped away and has forced me to move multiple times in just 3 years. I know my real home is in heaven but right now I need to know where God wants me planted. I’m alone. No local friends. Only been here a month but I’ve but I’ve visited two churches. My heart aches. I just want to go home but home no longer exists. It’s just me and no one else.
I went slightly over but I can never remember if one and two letter words count towards the total.
56 years of living a lie
Believing without questioning
You’re not enough
You won’t win
You prove how smart you are
You will do something and I will leave
No longer seeing your reflection
The spark, the joy smothered by words
Someone takes your hand at 56 years
They wipe away the hurt, the emptiness
They plant the seed of belief
Belief that you are enough
Belief you will win
Belief you are worthy of love
Belief you will never be abandoned
Belief in tomorrow
For all of you bloggers and readers out there, how did you know you were living where you belonged? If your place of residence was not your choice but the choice of your partner or company, how did you go about making it feel like home? If made the choice to move, how did you decide where to go? I moved quite a few times between the ages of 9 and 14 every time my father received a business promotion. As a child, of course you don’t have a choice, you go where ever your parents take you. Then I married and moved again to my ex-husband’s home state followed by a move to Texas when he was hired at AA. I lived in the Dallas area for 30 years and recently relocated to Austin.
I feel unsettled. I never chose Texas as a home but as long as I was married, it’s where I belonged. Now that I am divorced, I have a choice where to live. I moved to Austin to be closer to a daughter, but she and her husband have their own lives. And I don’t anticipate that they will permanently reside in Temple, TX which means in less than four years, there is a good chance they will be relocating. So where do I go? How do I decide? My finances are limited so an apartment on 5th Avenue in NYC is not an option nor is an oceanfront property in Seattle.
So I am asking you to send me either places to consider or questions I should ask myself before I move. In my life I have lived where it get extremely hot and extremely cold, so any type of weather is fine. I just can’t go somewhere that has mostly cloudy as the general forecast. I have some time to decide and plan, so let me hear from you.
Our assignment in writing 101 was to look back at our posts and stats. Clearly the letter I wrote to myself was the most popular. As I reread the post I am slapped in the face with an ugly fact, as good as the advice is, I don’t take it. I need it. I definitely need to take my own advice but I am fighting an internal war.
Little battles are raging and I can’t seem to find the energy and focus I need to not only win a few battles but to ultimately win the war. I have to completely rethink who I am and what my life meant and what it will mean. It’s like I have spent 30 years looking into a warped mirror so the reflection I saw wasn’t the real me. It was the warped image controlled by my ex-husband that I saw. I saw only what the narcissist wanted me to see.
Now it’s imprinted on my brain. All those warped messages are carved deeply into the recesses of my mind. Can the damage be undone? I am not sure. Websites about narcissistic abuse have helped but finding a counselor that understand the seriousness of the damage done by a narcissist isn’t easy. I only have health insurance through the end of the year so if I don’t find someone soon that can help me see my reflection as it truly is, I have no idea what I will do.
So fellow bloggers, keep me in your prayers. I haven’t found a job and I am weary of the search. I am weary period.