Tag: life

Posted in life

Always learning

Posted on by Dede

What skills or lessons have you learned recently?

Market in Bordeaux

I have been working on expanding my French skills. This means daily practice but unfortunately I don’t have anyone near me who speaks French. But alas, I will not be dissuaded from learning French as impractical as it may be in Texas.

This prompt made me realize I have not really learned anything new in quite awhile. I used to seek out new learning opportunities on a regular basis but for the last few years I’ve been remiss.

2026 will see a change in that. I don’t set new year resolutions but I can set goals. I like to break them down into steps. Organization and purging of no longer needed items is at the top of my list. Once this is done I can learn new sewing skills, writing skills, and try some more difficult baking and cooking recipes, also seek out an adventure

I’ll continue leaning French vocabulary but add new skills along the way. I believe we only stop learning when we die.

Posted in life

Did I grow up?

Posted on by Dede

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I’ve actually pondered this many times. Busy being a wife and mom, watching my friends doing the same, I marveled at how adult they seemed. There were a couple of women that stood out. S was always an adult. She lived her life by a well thought out logic. I remember she told me as a university student she loved a man but knew he would be an illogical choice for a husband. Instead she married the stable man who has lived his life with a logical mindset.

I had another friend D, who was old the first time I met her. Not old by age, but old by mindset. I am five years younger and she would always tell me, “just wait until you’re 40 then 50 then 60 etc” and then list a whole host of ailments, assuring me I too would suffer. Not a single one came true except for the food getting stuck in my teeth more frequently! 🤣🤣🤣

Recently I saw a children’s movie which emphasized the importance of never forgetting to play. Fortunately for me I am a care provider for 10 and 8 year old boys and a 4 year old girl. They remind me each day with their enthusiasm and laughter to remember to play. We’ve played pirates, had mountain climbing contests, pretending to dine at a restaurant, and even being moms and dads caring for babies. I am also reminded when tears come, it’s time to be the grownup. During disagreements, back talk, sibling arguments I can’t scream or yell. When I broke my ankle, I couldn’t panic. Remaining calm kept the kids from falling apart. Calling 911, their parents, even being treated by the EMTs, I couldn’t lose control.

So while I may not feel grownup, somewhere along the way, I did grow up.

Posted in life

66 comes quickly

Posted on by Dede

I am not sure how many people will recognize Mr. Bob Hope in the photo, but that is me at 17 years old. I was Miss Teenage Nevada and at the national pageant. It was a wonderful experience. The show was televised but I have never seen it. In 1976 there were no VCRs or DVRs to record a show. I’ve searched the internet for it but so far no luck.

This morning I was no longer 65. Today I am 66. It is always surreal to me when I have a birthday. Why? Because I can quite never figure out how I ended up this old or young depending on your perspective. Having no idea what 66 is supposed to look like or feel like, it will be interesting to discover the answers.

As of now, I still work full-time. Retirement is a possibility but for now I want to work. I enjoy caring for the children whose parents are doctors. I look forward to seeing them each morning. And isn’t that what life is all about, waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day? My life isn’t a whirlwind of travel or life in a second home, but I like my life. It may not be the one I thought I would have when I was 40 or 50 but it’s a good life. It is a peaceful life not just in my daily activities but inside my heart. I feel a deep peace and contentment.

Happy Birthday to Me. May my 66th year be my best yet.

Posted in life

Summer unexpected

Posted on by Dede
Oops

I was so excited about summer. The kids and I had planned so many fun things to do. All fun was abruptly stopped when I slipped. I dislocated my ankle and broke it in three places. A 911 call, a visit to the ER trauma and surgery the next morning meant all those plans and time I expected to spend with the kids wasn’t going to happen. And to top it off two weeks prior to falling, I had adopted 2 very young kittens.

The first couple of weeks I slept a lot. It was probably my body working to heal. Following that, I had what I call the vast expanse of random thoughts. My mind wandered from plans, to worries, to memories back to plans and the cycle has continued all summer.

I feel very fortunate. I was convinced I was alone in this town but I was surprised. My California daughter came for the first week and she was a tremendous help. After she came my Pennsylvania daughter came with my grandkids. The grandkids kept 2 very energetic and playful kittens busy and my daughter helped around the house. My church help provide meals, a friend from church provided transportation and a couple of people from my book club, even pitched in. And a mother very busy with three young children, even found time to bring me dinner. I thought I was alone, but God proved me wrong. He showed me a vast community ready to support me.

I am now just one week away from being cast free. My to do lists are many and long. School begins two weeks after I return to work. I’ve promised myself and the kids and I will do as much as possible to make those last two weeks fun.

This forced stop has reminded me it’s important to embrace each day and make as many memories as possible, even when the days are simply being together because we never know when our life will take a detour.

Posted in life

How did I end up at a Soccer field

Posted on by Dede
Soccer Saturday

As my girls were growing up we tried different sports. As it turned out they were more interested in music and the arts. So unlike my sister, I never spent my Saturdays at the soccer field. And I was always thankful I didn’t have to sit outside in the cold weather or the unbelievably hot weather we get in Texas.

I love my grandchildren however they live 1,640 miles away. Attending their sporting events or school events is not possible for me. It makes me sad but God has provided me with surrogate grandchildren, three to be exact. The two oldest A and O have begun to play soccer. So I find myself taking the boys to practice and staying until their parent(s) arrive.

The boys asked me to attend their games and I couldn’t turn them down. It touches my heart as I see their big grins when they realize I’ve arrived. Turns out I am a loud cheerleader!! Yelling run, get that ball, go fast etc as they play. With my camera in tow, I’ve begun taking photos and found it to be rewarding. Reminds me to use my camera more often.

So while I may have never been a “soccer mom”, I am now a full fledged “soccer Mimi”.

Posted in life

Never too late!

Posted on by Dede

In middle school we had to choose a language to study. My friends chose German and Spanish. Wanting to be different, I chose French. My learning has been disjointed over the years due to moves, marriage, children, life in general but I’ve never given up. Although I’ve never surpassed advance beginner, I’m still at it.

So as a gift to myself I have begun private French lessons via the internet. I found Speak like a Parisian on Instagram. The instructor is a native speaker and is around my age. I knew I didn’t want a young teacher. Why? Learning a language is difficult and the older you get the harder it becomes. I wanted someone who might have shared similar experiences and was at similar life stage. It makes conversation flow easier.

So if there is something you’ve always wanted to do, it’s never too late to begin. I remember Dear Abby responding to this question:

I’ve always wanted to be a doctor but I’m 35 and it’ll take 10 years. What should I do? Her response was How old will you be in 10 years if you don’t become a doctor?

Posted in life

Loss and Moving on

Posted on by Dede

There are all types of loss. Some, like the loss of child, stay with you forever. You may get through it but your never get over it. And knowing people who have been through that nightmare, I’m embarrassed to talk about my loss. Which by comparison is small, unimportant. But I’ve learned in counseling that comparing does no one any good. Now we all know how important it is not to compare our lives with others, but I think most of us think of it terms of good things. As in their life is going better than mine, their house is bigger, she is prettier etc. But we can deny ourselves the opportunity to work through our own loss, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others.

That was me. My friend had lost her daughter in a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. I had been through a heart breaking and life altering divorce. I told myself my loss was unimportant and I should be thankful for my life.

The thing is I beat myself up every time I felt depressed because of my situation because I told myself I didn’t have the right to be sad and heartbroken. I mean no one died. I spent the next few years buried in a deep depression which came close to costing me my own life. God must have been with me that fateful day because I am still here.

I still feel my loss everyday. Not all day, but a day doesn’t go by that I don’t feel twinge of what if. Most days it lasts for a split second but every now and then it’ll come and stay with me for the entire day. I do my best.

The one loss I haven’t been able to work through is my loss of interest in life in general. I used to have so many things I was interested in. I liked to sew, read, write, learn French, entertain, take photos and learn new things. Now I come home after work and sit on my sofa until bedtime. Then I repeat it the next day. On the weekend, I do the same but I manage church and a quick stop for a few groceries.

I’m worried if I can’t shake this apathy, my severe depression will return. Is there a prayer because I’ve been praying for years and little has changed.

Posted in communication, divorce, Faith, life

Changing Direction

Posted on by Dede

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Say hello to my family. It isn’t exactly the family I imagined I’d have. My husband, the girls’ father isn’t in the picture anymore, literally and figuratively. For a long time after he left, I felt like a failure. It took a few years, lots of counseling, support from my daughters and son-in-law, and loads of prayer to finally understand I wasn’t a failure.

I did spend lots of time being mad at God. I couldn’t understand why He didn’t answer my prayer to save my marriage. Slowly but surely God guided me to an understanding that sometimes He doesn’t say Yes, but He says I have something better planned for you.

I am no longer on the journey to a 50th wedding anniversary and it still disappoints me, but I’ve experienced so much joy in the last few years, I am beginning to grasp God’s plan. I don’t have the power to see into the future so I don’t actually know which direction God will be taking me next. I’ve moved 6 times since 2012 and have gone from living in 4200 sq. ft house with a pool and home theater to a 1000 sq. ft duplex. I live in a town I didn’t even know existed until a few years ago. I live here because I wanted to be close to my daughter and son-in-law.

In less than 18 months, they will be moving across the country to the Northeast. My other daughter lives in CA. Again, having my girls living so far apart wasn’t part of my plan. I still pray God can work it out so we can all live near one another.  I will continue to work daily on trusting him,

My life is going in a new direction and I am waiting to see where that leads me.

Posted in divorce

No expectations

Posted on by Dede

If you continue to hope someone who continually disappoints you will change, its best to stop hoping. Most people never change. A tiny few will surprise you and change. I know because I surprised my girls and changed.

However my ex-husband (30 yrs of marriage), has for their entire lifetimes, disappointed them. And now after five years divorced, he has sunk even lower. I endured being treated as though as I was invisible and now he is doing to the girls.

How you ask? Always staying focused on himself and his comfort. Handing over gift buying to his live-in younger girlfriend who doesn’t know either of them. And my daughters have no desire to know her. Every time, which is rarely, they see their dad, they say it’s like he’s on something. He’s not himself. He makes odd comments. He doesn’t follow through on promises.

It breaks my heart for my daughters. I asked my oldest if she thought he treated them so poorly because they are also my daughters and remind him of me and all his betrayals? Her response was no. She believed he saw his parents and his own siblings as his real family. She and her sister were just some unimportant extended family.

So stop and think this Christmas season, if you are a person of integrity? Do you make people feel valuable and loved? Are you interested in those close to you or is your focus solely on your own life? Do your children know you love them and they are the most important people in your life? Change is not impossible, but it does take hard work. If you are someone who continues to hope my advice is to stop. Pray you can accept this person as he is and not to allow his problems to hurt you.

Posted in life

Someone else’s life

Posted on by Dede

Have you ever had a time when you thought to yourself, I am living someone else’s life. This isn’t my life. It must belong to some other person because in my life I am not alone and struggling. I’m not living in a nondescript town with no friends and no life. In my life I’m not working 50 plus hours a week with no health insurance. This black and white life with no color, can’t be my life.

My life is supposed to be colorful, full of friends, family and experiences. I’m supposed to be living in a quaint town with lots of history and four seasons. In my real life I have a circle of close friends who are there for me and I for them. My life is full of travel opportunities and chances to learn and experience new things. I have a home which is always open to friends and family. I give my time and talents to my church and those in need. I don’t work 50 hours a week. I don’t worry about getting sick because I have health insurance. And I don’t get lonely because I have a loving and caring husband. That is my life or I should say the life I imagined I would have.

Then I wake up and realize my real life is what I first described.

Posted in choices, Goal, life

Well said

Posted on by Dede

I think this young blogger has set some high but very obtainable goals. I haven’t set any goals for myself in several years. Disappointment always seemed to follow me around but God is slowly changing my life perspective. So, tomorrow I will take the time to make my own list of 2017 life goals. Follow the link to read:

2017 life

Posted in divorce, Faith, family, life, Uncategorized

10 years

Posted on by Dede

My life has changed in major ways in the last 10 years. I became an empty nester, a mother-in-law, and a divorcée. I’ve been a hospital patient, a surgical patient and have become a woman whose childbearing days are over.  I’ve moved six times and filled out thousands of job applications. I’ve lost my father, watched a family member fight a rare type of cancer twice and win and I have learned someone else I love is fighting cancer. I’ve fought depression at every turn. I’ve seen my daughters’ father and his family treat them as though they never existed and I’ve watched them persevere through it becoming better women because of it. It has been a crazy and an emotionally and physically challenging 10 years. I’ve experienced some highs, my daughter’s marriage, my youngest college graduation, my oldest getting a master degree. I watched my son-in-law take the Hippocratic oath and become a doctor. I saw my youngest brave a year living abroad. I’ve also experienced the worst years of my life in the last ten years. 

They say nothing in life is guaranteed. I’d disagree. You can always be guaranteed life will not stay the same. There will be periods of highs and lows with lots of nothing much happening times. I know I am ready for a change in my life. It’s as though I can feel it coming. I just pray it’s a change for the good.

Posted in book, books, characters, choices, Uncategorized

Demelza

Posted on by Dede

     You are probably wondering who is Demelza and why would I want to live like her? She is a wonderful character created by Winston Graham. A poor miner’s daughter living in an abusive, desperately poor home, she is swept into a new world when she is brought home with Ross Poldark to work as a house servant in England post American Revolution.

     Now am I saying I want to work as a servant. The answer is no. But Demelza has a love of life, a roll up your sleeves and get to work, I am blessed view of life. No matter what tragedy she faces, even when she makes her own mistakes, she quickly rebounds.

   I am going to quote the book in this my first blog post. Now married to Ross, Demelza has just lost their young daughter to a morbid throat disease and she herself has almost lost her own life to the same. A feud is broiling between Ross and his cousin, Francis who married Ross’s sweetheart, Elizabeth. And to complicate matters more, Demelza caught the disease while nursing Elizabeth, Francis and their young son. They all survived but precious Julia was lost. Now if I had been in that situation I would have had Ross’s attitude, an attitude of anger, sadness, overwhelming hopelessness and a desire for revenge. However Demelza ends the book with the following:

     “When something happens,” she said, “like what has just happened to us, it makes all our quarrels seem small and mean, as if we were quarreling when we hadn’t the right. Didn’t we ought to find all the friendship we can?”

For me the simple substitution of happiness in the place of friendship and disappointments for quarreling makes it applicable to my life and my divorce.

     When something happens, like what has just happened to me, it makes all my disappointments seem small and mean, as if I was disappointed when I hadn’t the right. Shouldn’t I ought to find all the happiness I can?

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Uncategorized

Nada

Posted on by Dede

I love Instagram. I see photos from all over the world taken by everyday people. There are lakes, mountains, cafés, flowers, old buildings, hotels, boats, dogs, cats, interesting people and so much more. Sadly I am currently stuck living in a place which offers dead fields, flat land, Walmart, McDonald’s, uncared for homes and not much more.

My heart cries out because it’s not home. I want to go home but I no longer have a home. I am alone with no one. Although one daughter is here with her husband, they have a life and are not responsible for me. I haven’t been able to motivate myself to reengage in life these past three and half years. Nightmares have returned to haunt me.

Nothing has changed. Nada.

Posted in depression, Dreaming, Experience, Uncategorized

Fear of Happiness

Posted on by Dede


Everyone recognizes the universal symbol for happiness, the yellow happy face. I’ve been reading articles about the fear of happiness. I’ve often wondered if I am afraid to be happy again and if so why?

I’m afraid the happiness won’t be real. It will only be illusion. My life experience consists of giving love to an illusion. My happiness was an illusion. I don’t trust myself now to recognize what happiness is. I understand happiness isn’t a perpetual state of nothing ever going wrong but I thought I was happy. Now looking back, especially when I look at old photos I can easily see I lack the spark of happiness. It makes me sad. Will I make the same mistake again? 

I know I spend too much time worried about what other people think. It keeps me inhibited. It makes relaxing difficult and I miss out on enjoying the moment. I could give a long list of reasons why I worry but ultimately none of them matter. The only thing which matters is I am missing out on fully embracing life.

I found a new app for my phone. It is called You. It is free and it speaks of micro actions. They are very small steps you take towards making changes in your life. There are prompts. You can follow people. I’m going to do my best to make micro actions and ultimately change my life in a big way.

Posted in Experience, Faith, Health, Learning, Uncategorized

Writing a Mission Statement

Posted on by Dede

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It is fairly common for most businesses and churches to have mission statements. They can be quite simple or complex but the mission statement helps define who something or someone is and how they want to contribute to the world around us. I’ve tried writing my own personal mission statement but always seem to lose focus. How specific should I be?  Do I need an individual statement for each area of life? Can I write it so it is clear, concise and helps me become the person I wish to be? Whatever step I take, I need to begin by trying.

I have found a great, FREE, online tool which can help you write your own personal mission statement. At Franklin Covey they walk you through the process. They ask the questions and you supply the answers. When you are finished with the process, they provide you with a well written and concise mission statement. You can go back and tweak it if something does not reflect your original meaning. Once you read it you may find you want to go back and add or delete something. It is very easy to use. Below is my personal mission statement made at Franklin Covey.

  1. I am at my best when I am helping people.
  2. I will try to prevent times when I have no purpose.
  3. I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can write, read, answer questions, and be creative.
  4. I will find enjoyment in my personal life through writing, reading, creating, giving back to the community, spending time with my daughters and traveling.
  5. I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as making people feel welcome and included, explaining things, being a friend, writing and being creative.
  6. I can do anything I set my mind to. I will write a book, travel the world, and learn to speak French, Spanish and Italian, buy a home so I can invite friends and family to make memories with me there, and volunteer to help girls.
  7. My life’s journey is about loving my ex-husband, freely offering forgiveness and ultimately being betrayed. It is how I am healing from the hurt with the support of Heidi, Chris and Kari and rebuilding a full life including the possibility of love with a new life partner. My journey is about making a positive contribution to my family and community.
  8. When I am 80, I will be a person who is surrounded by my daughters, their husbands, my grandchildren and my life partner. My church and community friends will be there to celebrate the positive and loving impact I have had on them and my community. I will be celebrating what I can accomplish in my time left on this earth, my faith in God and the legacy I will leave behind.
  9. My most important future contribution to others will be my daughters’ deep faith in God and the knowledge he is always with them and will never leave them. I will have also taught them the importance of forgiveness, loving support and leaving behind toxic people. These qualities will enhance the lives of everyone with whom they come in contact.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • Taking better care of my health through diet and exercise.
  • Returning to my faith by joining a church and becoming an active participant.
  • Believing in myself and my ability to succeed, be happy and to be loved. Giving up the idea I am doomed for unhappiness and to be alone for the rest of my life without a loving life partner.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Unconditional love
  • Compassion in action
  • Deep and abiding faith despite unanswered prayers

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Taking control of my health by choosing a healthy diet and adding an exercise program.
  • Joining a church, getting involved and beginning to study the Bible again.
  • Signing up to learn something new
  • No longer isolate myself by finding areas in my community in which to become involved.

 

Posted in choices, depression, divorce, Faith, family, Jesus, Uncategorized

In the Minutia

Posted on by Dede

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The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.

I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.

My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.

I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.

Posted in divorce, Faith, family, fear, God, Uncategorized

53 days to go

Posted on by Dede

I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.

For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.

If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.

So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.

 

Posted in Experience, Faith, Uncategorized

God didn’t take me to Rome

Posted on by Dede

Luke 24:1–3 (ESV) But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.This week I have been thinking…

via But This Isn’t Rome! — Out of the Boat with Jesus

Posted in divorce, love, Uncategorized, WordPress

Stepping outside the comfort zone

Posted on by Dede

 

I have taken photography lessons but never really have just gone out and taken photos. Thanks to Lady Bird Johnson , Texas is abloom with native wildflowers. Fields of flowers are protected from mowing. They can’t be mowed down until they’ve turned t seed. This insures the flowers return next year.
As I drive I see a sea of bluebonnets interspersed with buttercups. I can’t see these flowers and not think of my grandmother. I moved to Dallas in April 1985 and the weather had been perfect to produce a spectacular show of color. I remember her telling me the common names of all the flowers. It’s a poignant memory because she is no longer with us and the life I was starting in Dallas all those years ago was destroyed over time by choices of my ex.

Now I’m in Austin. A young and vibrant city where they love music, the environment, good food and life. I’m having to search for my youthful spirit because it was lost due to abuse and time. Can I turn back the internal clock and feel and be young again.