Posted in book, book review, books, characters, choices, fictional, friends, love, men, New life, novels, people, strong, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

I admit it, I am addict

Posted on by Dede

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Alright, I may have admitted this before, but it is important we own our addictions. And I have found a new website which happily feeds my addiction. It is Thrift Books. I’ve been using the library for ebooks but sometimes I am impatient and don’t want to be 11th in line for a book, so I feel compelled by my addiction to buy the book. Thrift Books helps me afford to do that but, I am a book addict. I will say it again. I am a book addict. Since January 1st, I have read 38 books. Which means I am averaging one book approximately every 3.8 days. And since last fall I have specifically become addicted to detective mystery series set either in another time or another place. These include:

  • The Armand Gamache Books by Louise Penny – set in Quebec, present day
  • The Maisie Dobbs Books by Jacqueline Winspear- set in England pre and post WWI
  • The Ian Rutledge Books by Charles Todd- set in England post WWI 
  • Bruno, Chief of Police Books by Martin Walker- set in St. Denis area, France, present Day

I am not certain why I have suddenly become addicted to this type of book but I do know why a series captures me. A good writer makes a character real in my mind. These characters become my friends. I think about them. I wonder what they are doing when I am finished with a series. What do I share with each of them.  Each character faces their own demons and identifying with this is easy. I question my choices like Armand. I have been hurt and right now I keep s wall around my emotions like Maisie. Ian struggles with a voice in his head of a lost soldier. I struggle with my own voice chastising me for making so many wrong choices. I long for love like Bruno.

I admire them and their unique qualities. What can I learn from their lives and then incorporate into my own life so I will be happier, more content person.  I want to be a better listener like Armand. I want to be patient like Maisie and not miss the details. I want to push past my fears like Ian. And I want to live a life rich with friends and the love of the simple things like Bruno. I know they are fictional characters but I still learn something about myself through each book, each story, each struggle and each triumph.

So again, I admit I am an addict, a book addict and I hope I never am cured.

 

Posted in book, characters, choices, family, food, friendship, love, New life, relationships, Uncategorized

Lost Art of Dining

Posted on by Dede

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I am currently reading a book series by Martin Walker. They tell the story of Bruno Courrèges , the chief of police in the Périgord area of France. He loves his village of St. Denis, his adopted hometown. Here he finds the love and support he didn’t have as an orphaned boy. One of his great loves is cooking and dining well. He is gourmand and I sadly am a daughter of American cuisine. My palate would be challenged by some of his meals. However, the food doesn’t need to be fancy to be shared.

Dining with friends is a central theme throughout the series. Bruno is known for his cooking in addition to his astute police work. Laughter, sadness, love, hopes and dreams are shared between friends and family around the dinner table. Farewells are said to friends lost through death. Now I realize this is a book and not real life, but I do know the importance sitting together with your family for one meal a day . It plays a vital role in our lives. It is the one chance each day we have the opportunity to focus on those most important to us. Dinner time is when a child might express concern or joy about something inparticular. It is when parents teach their children through discussion the importance of staying connected with what is going on in the world. It is clearly the time parents can share their values through simple conversation.

Dining with friends widens our network of support. We are reminded we don’t face life’s hardships alone and we don’t celebrate the goodness of life alone either. At the dinner table we learn to give thanks for the simple things in life and the importance having a strong network of friends can be. Americans though have a difficult time sitting down and dining. Dinner is often rushed take out. Everyone grabs their order then scrambles off to their private space in the house. I know time is limited and the author is very clever because he writes about Bruno doing preperations prior to his day beginning. It does take practice but if everyone shared the responsiblity (at the the husband and wife) then it wouldn’t seem like such a burden.

Americans don’t entertain friends much anymore either, at least most of my former friends didn’t. When I or the one other friend who entertained would invite people to share dinner in our homes, you would think we had given them an expensive and irreplacable gift. I agree the gift of friendship is irreplacable but sharing dinner doesn’t have to be.  If you can’t afford to serve dinner to a group of friends, host a potluck. Or maybe host a dessert party, a make your own pizza party or an after dinner drinks party. The object is to come together for a time and shut out the rest of the world. Bruno, time and time again, finds the support and encouragement he needs around the dinner table.

I live alone and have allowed this to be my excuse for not cooking. Why cook for one? It is so much work if I am the only one who will be eating. Sadly I am teaching myself I am not worth the effort to make good food. A goal I have as I move on from this place, is to bring back the art of dining, even if it is only dining for one.

 

 

Posted in Blogging, choices, depression, family, fear, New life, Uncategorized

What drives your choices?

Posted on by Dede

Over these past few months, my counselor and I have discussed the choices I made in the past. He assures me I made the best choices for survival at the time. While that may be true, I have wondered what was behind the choices I made beside just surviving. And I had a personal revelation. Most, if not all, of my poor choices were driven out of a fear of rejection.

My life, prior to now, was not a journey driven by a confident woman. The driving force of my life was the fear of rejection and humiliation. My life was in a constant state of unbalance. Every time the person I was trying to please changed his/her mind, I had to rush to make sure my decision still made them happy. If it didn’t, then I needed to quickly make a change. By allowing my fear to drive my choices, I never built a strong sense of who I am and what makes me happy. I didn’t speak up. I kept my hurt feelings to myself out of fear of upsetting the other person. I pretended their words didn’t hurt my feelings. I raced around like mad when relatives were coming to visit and the stayed in a state of apprehension and fear. Why? Because I was eaten up with worry, I would be a disappointment. The ironic thing is I always felt as though I was a disappointment. Even if everything went smoothly and everyone was happy, I still felt like a failure because I always believed I could have done better or it was just a matter of time people would see the “real” me, the failure.

It is not always easy to be honest. It is not always easy to make a decision which goes against the tide (or family or friends or children). A person needs inner strength not to waver when a decision is questioned. So much of my life would be different if I had not been driven by the fear of rejection. I battle the fear of rejection and being alone every day. I take on the role of scapegoat. Pointing the finger of blame at myself calms my fear of someone else doing it and humiliating me. It gives me a sense of control when I assume everything is my fault. Sadly it doesn’t provide much opportunity for joy and peace in my life.

Change isn’t easy but it is worth the effort. Change has been a bumpy road. Change has challenged in ways I never anticipated. Change is scary. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. There is a reason “misery loves company” is universally understood. While I might be miserable, it is what I know and having you join me in what I know is less frightening than me leaving my miserable comfort zone.

 

 

 

Posted in divorce, Faith, family, fear, God, Uncategorized

53 days to go

Posted on by Dede

I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.

For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.

If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.

So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.

 

Posted in daughters, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

When your world changes 

Posted on by Dede


I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.

She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.

Posted in books, characters, Uncategorized, Writing

46,336 only 33,664 to go 

Posted on by Dede

MURDER IN BLUEBONNET HILLS

I am well into my story now. 80,000 words is given as the minimum for writing to be considered a novel. I am halfway finished with reading Stephen King’s On Writing book. I was skeptical when he mentioned his characters speaking to him and leading sometimes down an entirely different story path.

I know now he’s right. I had a basic plot line in mind, characters, victim, a guilty murderer and as I have continued to write the story, I am being lead in an entirely different direction. It seems my murderer is innocent and someone else did the nasty deed.

If I continue writing at my current pace I hope to finish the first draft by mid-May. Thank you to Julie and Anne for their bravery in reading what I’ve written and giving me their honest opinions. When it’s finally finished and I  e-publish it I will certainly post it on my blog.

Posted in Uncategorized, WordPress, words, Writing

38,000 and counting 

Posted on by Dede


You would think with all the time I’ve had on my hands I would have spent it writing the book I’ve always said I’d write. I would begin and then think this story is dumb no one will read it. Then I went to a Meetup group for aspiring writers. I met writers who had actually written books, self published and made money!! 

I spoke to one afterwards express in my belief no one would read what I wrote. She assured me in no uncertain terms if I wrote a book, self published it, someone would read it. Maybe that’s all I need to hear because as present I am at 38,000 words and counting. According to Internet gurus I need approximately 80,000 words for an adult novel. So I am not quite halfway.

Hoping to finish before I move out and into the unknown I’m using my time during the day to do nothing but write. The story probably makes no sense at all but it has given me something to focus on during the day. Now to find something other than hopelessness to fill my night. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Help me decide my Future.

Posted on by Dede

After 30 years of marriage followed by a bad divorce and 3.5  years of unsuccessful job hunting I need help. I want you to help me decide my future by taking my poll. If you don’t like any of the answers, chose none of the above and give a suggestion in the comments section. Please be polite and respectful. Let the voting beginning.

Posted in Blogging, book, Uncategorized, Writing

5 Ways to Smash Through and Finally Start Writing

Posted on by Dede

If you’re like I was at the beginning of my career, you have huge dreams. But sadly, the bigger the dream, the greater the frustration when day after day passes without success. The cause—not starting—looks simple. But the fix—starting (which also looks simple)—has you stymied. You know you would succeed if you could just get…

via 5 Ways to Smash Through and Finally Start Writing — Jerry Jenkins | Write Your Book

Posted in family, Uncategorized

Chrissy Teagan Mommy shamed

Posted on by Dede

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I heard on the news, new mother Chrissy Teagan was being mommy shamed because she chose to go out to dinner a mere two weeks post delivery. Now someone please correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression baby Luna wasn’t conceived through  immaculate conception. Baby Luna does actually have a father as well as a mother right? Chrissy was out to dinner with her husband, John Legend an equally new father but not one word was said about his departure from the sweet child. Only she was criticized.

Am I to understand it is acceptable for women to criticize new mothers about every choice they make? But new fathers are considered completely innocent and not responsible when they make the same choice as the new mother? Hello, we aren’t living in the dark ages or even 1950 anymore. Fathers are just as important as mothers. And if you take the time to do some research you will find (as if anyone really need to do research to prove the truth of this statement)  fathers play just as an important role in a child’s life from birth on as a mother does.

I’ve always said women would rule the world if we stopped picking on each other. You don’t see men shaming other men because they are too fat or too skinny. They don’t shame each other because their wives chose to bottle feed over breastfeeding. They don’t shame each other when dinner is take out rather than a home-cooked meal. No, they unite. They act as a team.

Ladies, we’ve had how many thousands of years to learn this lesson? Support your fellow women. Support the choices they make for their lives and their families’ lives. It is their life after all and I am 100% positive there has never been nor will there ever be a perfect mother. So be quiet unless you can say something nice and supportive.

Posted in Uncategorized

How do you box up a life?

Posted on by Dede

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I am moving again. This is my sixth move in four years. I have gone from 4200 sq feet and financial security to 1000 sq feet wondering if I will be forced to live in my car.

I find moving under these circumstances to be both emotionally and physically exhausting. I’ve lost important sentimental things, my grandmother’s locket, the wedding portrait of my ex and me, the cake topper from my parent’s wedding which has graced four cakes, 3 generations of marriages. Mine is the only one to die after 30 years. While none of those items are worth much monetarily they all hold great sentimental value.

I’ve struggled with finding where I belong. I don’t belong in Flower Mound (DFW area) anymore. I don’t belong in Austin. I don’t belong in Las Vegas where I went to high school and college. I don’t belong in Temple where my daughter and son-in-law are living. They will be leaving in 2019.

I feel like a ship with no rudder or home port. I have worked to accept my new life. Not having a place to call home, a place to belong makes it much more of a challenge. I am thinking of taking a poll via the blog, Instagram and Twitter. Let someone else decide because I don’t have a clue.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Uncategorized

Where are the Resources

Posted on by Dede

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I have found resources if you are a woman who has been beaten by your husband and living in a shelter. I have found resources for drug addicts, alcohols, sexual predators, people with anger management issues and resources for those who have been employed and now find themselves unemployed. AARP boasts on national television how they can help you “Re-imagine your Life.” The problem is AARP makes the assumption you have been an employed adult for most of your life and now you want to pursue a passion rather than just a way to pay to the bills and keep a roof over your head.

Where are the resources for women over 50 who stayed home with their children only to be thrown in the trash by their self-centered, egomaniac husbands who believe a younger woman will keep them from aging. (The irony is the younger the woman, the older he actually looks.) I’ve hunted. I’ve searched. I have had no luck. Because I am a college educated woman who chose to give 30 years of her life to her family, I don’t qualify. Everyone makes the assumption a college degree is the answer. They are wrong.

If I hear one more time, “Oh you are so smart and have so much to offer, I think I’ll puck on the spot. Clearly whatever it is I have to offer, no one is hiring. And no service organization wants to help because I don’t fit their “demographic”. So like many other women who gave their life to their family, I will in 8 weeks find myself homeless. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke and I don’t do drugs. I am college educated but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.

 

Posted in depression, divorce, Health, mistakes, Uncategorized

A Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being – they are only an emotionless facsimile.

Posted on by Dede

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.   Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which Narcissists have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as […]

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/22/a-narcissist-is-not-a-fully-functioning-human-being-they-are-only-an-emotionless-facsimile/

Posted in depression, divorce, God, Uncategorized

A Black Hole

Posted on by Dede


A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.

I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness. 

Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.

Posted in divorce, Uncategorized, women, WordPress

Shame on you Huffington Post

Posted on by Dede

Look at the woman in the following photos.

   
 She is an editor for Huffpost50. Yes you read that right. She is writing articles geared towards an age group she won’t see for probably 20 plus years. I am sure she is a capable writer and editor but we face AGE DISCRIMINATION everyday and even more so if you are female.

I was a “domestic engineer” for 30 years until my ex decided he needed someone younger. I’ve been unemployed since the divorce, January 2013. I’ve applied for every kind of job you can imagine with no luck. Now imagine I feel, along with the millions of women who are over 50, learning one of the editors could be our daughter or granddaughter.

Age discrimination is one of the last forms of discrimination still accepted. It needs to stop.

Posted in depression, divorce, Faith, Uncategorized

Caught in a Trap

Posted on by Dede

  
I feel exactly as the mouse does in the photo. I am trapped by something I didn’t see. And like the mouse it didn’t kill me, it just caught me and won’t let go. The mouse was alive. You can tell because it’s blurred in the photo.

I feel trapped. I am trapped by the life I chose to lead. I chose to be a stay at home mom and wife. I chose to make my husband and family the center of my life. I chose to believe my ex husband would fulfill his vows of until death do us part. How was I to see he lied at every opportunity?

So now I am faced with something I never thought about. I have worried about getting cancer. I have worried about losing someone I love in a tragic accident (like a dear friend of mine did, I worry about losing my only living parent. I like everyone else worries from time to time. I just never thought I would be facing living in my car at 56, not after giving the best years of my life to my ex-husband. 

His promise was in sickness and in health. I stayed when he was caught being a peeping tom. I stayed when he said he used hookers. I stayed when I learned he was addicted to pornography. Why you ask? For a million reasons. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. (A lie). I believed him when he said he’d get help. (A lie). I promised God I would be a faithful helpmate and not desert him, so I stayed.

It clearly was a mistake. A huge mistake and I can’t find the logic in why God has allowed him to continue living the high life with a big house, a young girlfriend and her kids. While his own daughters struggle to get by and I face living in my car. Everyone assures me God hasn’t deserted me and He has a higher purpose. Well he certainly has left me in the dark because I don’t know what’s going on.

Everyday it is a struggle to get up and it’s a struggle not to end it every night. I fight because I love my daughters. But as I said in an earlier post, I am soul weary.

Posted in book, depression, divorce, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Narcissists can be nomadic and secretive creatures like the lone wolf.

Posted on by Dede

I see my ex-husband when this article mentions the narcissist needs a clean slate because his past is right behind him. How else could a man turn his back on his children? On the wife that stood by him when he was wanted by the police? 

From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.   Some Narcissists seem very hesitant to put down realistic roots anywhere, preferring to be as independent and mobile as possible, unless of course they are pursuing new supply with many promises of a secure future together! If […]

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/17/narcissists-are-nomadic-and-secretive-creatures-like-the-lone-wolf/

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Uncategorized

Fatigue 

Posted on by Dede

When most of us think of fatigue we think in terms of body fatigue. We’ve worked hard or exercised or chased after children or played a game of basketball, any number of things can make us feel tired.

But what about soul fatigue. What about a weariness that seems so deep into your heart and soul you can’t find a way out? How long does it take to become that weary? Like everything in life it’s different for everyone. For me it’s now. It’s three years and four months post divorce. It’s 17 years post the police calling the house looking for my ex because he had need positively identified as a peeping tom. It’s 15 years post learning my ex was viewing rape porn. It’s 10 years post being ignored and treated rudely in my own home by my ex father in law while my drunk ex let it happen. It’s 7 years post confession of ex admitting he uses prostitites. And of course since the beginning of my marriage in 1982 there was the use of pornography and strip clubs purchasing nude lap dances.

No wonder I’m depressed and hopeless. What kind of person would allow someone to treat her that way? I had faith God would heal him. I had faith God would heal our marriage. I had faith God wouldn’t desert me post divorce. I had faith God would lead me to a job. I had faith God would lead me to new friends. I had faith God would lead me to a new life. And most of all I had faith God would see to it that my ex husband suffered for all the pain he caused.

Well My faith proved to be useless. God has blessed my ex over and over. For me? Nothing. He’s turned his back on me. Guess I deserve it because I accepted the fact I was worthless.

Posted in Faith, God, Jesus, New life, Uncategorized

Time to go

Posted on by Dede

  

I turned in my notice today that I will not be renewing my lease. The tasks before me now include packing everything I own except for the basic necessities needed to travel. I also must locate a climate controlled storage unit that’s will hold everything it possible I will need two. Reserve them and make arrangement for movers. I have two months which is sufficient time if I pack everyday after work and devote my weekends to packing.

6 times now I’ve moved in four years. God clearly has decided He is not ready to stop punishing me. I no longer know what I can possibly learn from what I am experiencing nor do I see an end to it. I don’t belong anywhere with anyone. So no need to try and find home. Living on the road doesn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore. No more dreams of happiness and love. Just dreams of the open road.

Posted in Blogging, book, choices, communication, divorce, Experience, Uncategorized

Sounds of Silence

Posted on by Dede

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Demelza is one of my favorite characters from a book. You can find her in Poldark by Winston Graham. She lived near the Cornwall coast in the late 18th century. She lived so close she could hear the waves breaking against the rocks and shore. What else would she have heard? Birds, the wind, Garrick barking, horse hooves, distant voices, Ross in the library, servants in the kitchen, her children? Certainly she didn’t live in a silent world but she also didn’t live in a world where she was constantly bombarded with artificially created sounds which we live with now.

I live alone. Until my divorce in January 2013, I had never lived alone. I had been alone for several days at a time but always knew someone would be returning. During that time I enjoyed the quiet. It was refreshing. Now, the silence is oppressive. I feel as thought I am in a room and the walls are closing in. My apartment is wound proofed well so except for the occasional thump from my upstairs neighbors, I don’t hear anything. I listen. I sit in the quiet and nothing. It’s too hot to open the windows and even if I did I would hear man-made sounds. So I keep the TV on if I am home. The sound fills up the space. I don’t feel so alone.

I don’t think we realize how much constant noise is in our lives until it is gone. And I don’t think we realize the importance of sounds whether they are nature’s music or man-made sound. a lot has been written about the effect sound can have on our spirit. I read that repeatedly listening to sad music can dampen your mood. And when non-communicating Alzheimer’s patients were given headphones and the tunes of their youth played, the awareness of their surroundings increased and their mood were improved.

I believe one reason Demelza was infused with a happy spirit was because she absorbed everything around her, the sounds and the sites. So in the spirit of living like Demelza, I am going to try to fill my empty air with sounds that make me happy whether that is music, an audio book, a nature CD or even my favorite TV show. And I am also going to take time to enjoy the peace and quiet I have been given at this time in my life.