Posted in God, life, Uncategorized

Second Chances

Posted on by Dede

God has taken my life down a path I never imagined. This path has been a very bumpy ride but it has brought me a deeper faith and given me an opportunity I never thought I would have.

As a young mother I did my best to be a good mom and make memories with my daughters. Of course as life teaches us hindsight is 20/20 and I can now look back and see many times I was too busy just to enjoy my daughters. So I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to God for bringing me to this place in my life.

I now work 50+ hours a week as a nanny but while I’m paid I don’t feel like a nanny. In fact that the oldest renamed me Mimi. The two boys I watch are like grandsons to me. (Top 2 photos). And to make this blessing even grander, my own daughter and son-in-law gave me a grandson in June. (Bottom photo). I get to spend my time with these three precious boys and I have the wisdom to know just to enjoy the moments and not stress out over little things. My life is overflowing with love.

I wouldn’t have picked or imagined this life for myself which is why I am so thankful God knows best because it’s been many years since I’ve been this happy and had this much peace.

Wishing you Joy and love this Christmas and every day in 2018.

Posted in divorce

No expectations

Posted on by Dede

If you continue to hope someone who continually disappoints you will change, its best to stop hoping. Most people never change. A tiny few will surprise you and change. I know because I surprised my girls and changed.

However my ex-husband (30 yrs of marriage), has for their entire lifetimes, disappointed them. And now after five years divorced, he has sunk even lower. I endured being treated as though as I was invisible and now he is doing to the girls.

How you ask? Always staying focused on himself and his comfort. Handing over gift buying to his live-in younger girlfriend who doesn’t know either of them. And my daughters have no desire to know her. Every time, which is rarely, they see their dad, they say it’s like he’s on something. He’s not himself. He makes odd comments. He doesn’t follow through on promises.

It breaks my heart for my daughters. I asked my oldest if she thought he treated them so poorly because they are also my daughters and remind him of me and all his betrayals? Her response was no. She believed he saw his parents and his own siblings as his real family. She and her sister were just some unimportant extended family.

So stop and think this Christmas season, if you are a person of integrity? Do you make people feel valuable and loved? Are you interested in those close to you or is your focus solely on your own life? Do your children know you love them and they are the most important people in your life? Change is not impossible, but it does take hard work. If you are someone who continues to hope my advice is to stop. Pray you can accept this person as he is and not to allow his problems to hurt you.

Posted in life

Someone else’s life

Posted on by Dede

Have you ever had a time when you thought to yourself, I am living someone else’s life. This isn’t my life. It must belong to some other person because in my life I am not alone and struggling. I’m not living in a nondescript town with no friends and no life. In my life I’m not working 50 plus hours a week with no health insurance. This black and white life with no color, can’t be my life.

My life is supposed to be colorful, full of friends, family and experiences. I’m supposed to be living in a quaint town with lots of history and four seasons. In my real life I have a circle of close friends who are there for me and I for them. My life is full of travel opportunities and chances to learn and experience new things. I have a home which is always open to friends and family. I give my time and talents to my church and those in need. I don’t work 50 hours a week. I don’t worry about getting sick because I have health insurance. And I don’t get lonely because I have a loving and caring husband. That is my life or I should say the life I imagined I would have.

Then I wake up and realize my real life is what I first described.

Posted in depression

Unsure

Posted on by Dede

I haven’t been posting because as my anger and bitterness has lessened (most of the time), I find I’m not sure what to write.  I’ve used writing for so long to express my darkest feelings, now that I don’t feel so dark on the inside, it seems I don’t have much to say.

That alone bothers me. Who only has negative things to say and nothing positive or upbeat? Who goes through each day neither sad nor happy? Who has flat emotions? 

I’ve asked my doctor to wean off my anti-depressant because I think after being on it for four years, it has dulled my emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sad, but neither do I feel happy or joy. Even the birth of my first grandson feels flat and not as exciting or emotionally moving as I expected.

Does anyone else struggle with having no emotions?

Posted in Faith

We needed each other

Posted on by Dede

I have wondered why God set me on this path to live in Temple, TX. While there is nothing wrong with it, I don’t feel at home here. I know my kids are leaving in two years and I’ll leave the too. There is no reason to stay. This town is not conveniently located near an airport so I could travel to see my girls, so I know it’s temporary. I was having trouble digging myself out of the sadness and then,

Enter this young man

My daughter was watching him three days a week and another woman was watching him the other two days. Turns out the other woman was completely ignoring him and making him sit on the rug! My daughter asked if I’d like to take the other lady’s place. I said Yes! Immediately A.P.L. stole my heart.

I’ve watched him now for 8 months. And a couple of months ago I realized why God had sent me to Temple. APL needed me and I needed him. I now watch him 5 days a week. He named me, Mimi and I couldn’t love him more if he was my own flesh and blood. My depression is almost 100% under control. I have a day every now and then but it’s rare I feel bad.

So thank you Lord for taking me on this path, even if in the beginning I didn’t understand. It’s a big reminder You know what you’re doing and I just need to trust.

Posted in Moving, New life

Square peg in a Round hole

Posted on by Dede

I don’t remember when I first heard that phrase but I knew immediately it described me. And now many, many years later nothing has changed.

I’ve done my best to squeeze myself into a round hole and almost always it didn’t work. And more importantly it left me bruised and battered. Now at 57, I wonder if I’ll find a place where I fit.

I thought I had found my forever home. My ex and I lived in a Dallas suburb from 1986 to 2013 when we divorced. I had even started thinking about buying burial plots. The divorce forced me to leave. I couldn’t afford it.

Moving around as a kid, having an extremely small family I didn’t have a connection to a particular place, a place which felt like home. It broke my heart to leave Flower Mound. 

My heart is seeking a place to call home, a place where I belong.

Posted in Uncategorized

New Addition

Posted on by Dede

Meet the newest addition to my family. My first grandchild, Elliott Pax.

Posted in Uncategorized

Goodbye for now

Posted on by Dede

I think I’ll be taking a hiatus from blogging. I haven’t written very many posts in the past few months. I can only think of depressing thoughts and no one wants to read that crap.

Posted in Uncategorized

A Theme

Posted on by Dede

I have been neglectful of my blogs. And I have also failed to give my blog a theme, a reason for people to return to read it. Hopefully all of that is about to change.

Posted in love

Links of Love 

Posted on by Dede

I used to take care of myself. I made certain I looked my best most days. I exercised. I watched what I ate. Unlike many women who lose their appetite post divorce, I couldn’t seem to eat enough. I stopped exercising and had a steady diet of junk food. I always took care of myself to please my ex-husband. I worried he’d leave me if I didn’t live up to his expectations. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it didn’t matter. I was looking better than I had in ten years and he left. And with it, my desire for self care walked out too.

Now 4.5 years later, I’m ready to take care of myself but finding the strength to take the first few steps seems overwhelming. 30 pounds needs to go for health reasons. I know exercise is an antidepressant and will help keep the demons away. I also know how I feel about myself is directly related to how connected each link in my circle is. Each thing needs to be connected to the other. 

Link One: Me time-it’s okay to make an effort to look attractive. It says I love myself.

Link Two: Exercise makes me feel strong and when I feel strong, my confidence grows.

Link Three: When I feel healthy, I look better and feel better. 

Link Four: Creative time- whether I’m writing or sewing or reading, I find it nourishes my soul. And when my soul is being fed, I feel happier.

Link Five: Don’t isolate myself. It’s been easy to do but being with people is key to me feeling better.

Now all I have to do is find the willpower to take those first few steps to begin rebuilding my links of strength.

Posted in Uncategorized

Life without Light

Posted on by Dede

Another horrible terroist attack took place yesterday in Manchester, UK. Innocent lives were lost because of a misguided soul who lived everyday in darkness.

And in the dark, perverse and evil forces trained his brain to stop thinking. They programmed it to do what they themselves are too cowardly to do.

And in the dark you have no hope. You can’t see the people waiting to help you. You can’t imagine a life with light because you’ve been in the darkness for so long.

We can’t let those souls stay in the darkness of evil or there will be more attacks. We must spare a kind word, a smile, hope to each person who crosses our path.

The light shines in the darkness. But the darkness hasn’t overcome the light. John 1:5

Posted in Faith, God

A Miracle around the Corner

Posted on by Dede

Above is a photo of the Ethan Allen hall table I purchased at a resale shop for $85. Little did I know stopping at the new resale shop around the corner would turn out not to be a random choice I made.

I clicked with the owner right away.  We chatted for over 45 minutes. After I made sure the table would fit, I called back and said I wanted the table.

Yesterday I stopped again to look at a small side table. Unfortunately it has sold but we began to chat again. And before I knew it this woman and her husband were praying over me. No one has ever prayed over me in my 57 years. Standing in a circle of three, hearing ‘Lord lift her up, remind her Lord you have better days planned for her’ and many more words of love, I left the store choking back tears.

As much as I love my new ‘used’ table, I believe there was divine intervention and the table was just used to get me inside to meet these wonderful people.

Posted in family

Treasured Moments

Posted on by Dede

My baby turned 33 today and is expecting her first baby, a boy, on June 22nd. All of us who are parents understand how difficult it is sometimes to grasp who quickly time goes.

My sweet little jewel with her thick head of black hair, in a matter of what seems like a moment, is grown-up. She is going to be a mama. Very soon she and her husband will experience that explosion of love which happens in your heart. Which is soon followed by an intense desire to protect your child from everything hurtful. And  we know that not possible.

My friends tell me being a grandparent is even more fun than being a parent. I’m sure it will be. I’m ready to have my own explosion of love in my heart.

Posted in Dating

Curious

Posted on by Dede

What exactly are single men over 50 looking for in a woman? I tried online dating and found it to be disheartening. Maybe I’m crazy and shouldn’t expect intelligent, attractive, successful men to contact me. I mean I am no longer the super slim twenty something and I have a few wrinkles around my eyes. If I believe what I read and see in the media it’s time I accept finding love when I’m just 2.5 years away from 60 is hopeless.

I lack serious human connection. Making friends at this stage of life has proven to be impossible. The places I made friends before my divorce are no longer open to me here in this place. Close connections are key to happiness and living a long life. I don’t want a short life. I want 50 more years.

Posted in book, books, Writing

Closer to the finish line 

Posted on by Dede

Ever since I was in elementary school, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. I wrote a story about secret doors, a story about an American girl raised in France who has to return to the US during high school, and more. I’ve journaled when I felt bad and when I felt great. Always in the back of my mind, I dreamed of being a writer.

I think seeing my account nearly empty of funds and not making enough to support myself, spurred me on with a either now or never attitude. 

I’ve learned through my daughter Books for the living and her book blog a new vocabulary. And this includes the term beta reader. These are people who volunteerily read your first draft. They critique the story, point out holes in the plot, timeline issues etc. My daughter sent my book off to a beta reader and I was completely blown away by her comments. It was a very good review with only a few plot line and timeline issues. Once I’m finished making the changes, I’ll hire an editor to take it to the next step.

And hopefully in the not too distant future, you’ll be able to find Unpacking Dreams at Amazon as an ebook.

Posted in book, books, Uncategorized

This is must read for any book lover. https://booksfortheliving.wordpress.com/2017/03/21/for-the-book-lover-without-a-bookcase/

Posted on by Dede
Posted in Uncategorized

Take a look at this fabulous book blog https://booksfortheliving.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/cover-reveal-plus-excerpt-crazy-over-you-by-daisy-prescott/

Posted on by Dede
Posted in Health, help

Living on the Other side

Posted on by Dede

Most of us are familiar with the phrase “wrong side of the tracks”. It’s a reference to how railroad tracks separated the “nice” side of town with the “undesirable” side of town. The difference was typically financial. 

I’ve been lucky. For most of my life I’ve have been able to live in comfort, in a safe area, with plenty of room in my house. I felt blessed and loved opening my home to friends and family. Money was never an issue. Of course early in my marriage, we struggled but over time financial struggles grew less.

Now I am living on the other side of the tracks. I have no health insurance. Today my new glasses, due to my difficult prescription, cost $805. That included the exam. No idea how I’ll pay for them, but they are needed. I am having some health problems which require expensive medical tests. I can’t afford them because in Texas I must make less than approximately $12,000 to qualify for Medicaid.

I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. I feel scared. I feel trapped. This must be the same feeling millions of people live with every day. They are poor but not poor enough. It truly is a stressful way to live.

Take the time and go see the other side of the track. Talk to someone. Help someone. Maybe even someone you know is in the same situation I’m in and are too embarassed to ask for help. Reach out. 

Posted in choices, friendship

Long and lonely road

Posted on by Dede

I wish it wasn’t so. I’m on a long and lonely road.  This a detour I didn’t expect or plan. And how I’ve prayed I would get back on the main road but for whatever God has kept me in this winding side road.

So far I don’t understand why. Not even a little peek into what I am supposed to be learning. Loneliness can be deadly. It becomes an actual physical pain which you carry around. I can feel my heart constrict.

Look around at your own world. Someone is in need of a friend. You may think you’re too busy and don’t have time for another friend. You may think you don’t know anyone who is lonely but I can guarantee you, there is at least one person you know who is lonely. You may be afraid of rejection but the simple act of reaching out can save a life.

So invite someone to lunch. Ask your single neighbor to join your family for dinner. Start a conversation. Connect. Connect. Connect. 

Posted in Faith, forgiveness

How do you forgive yourself?

Posted on by Dede

My heart and head are not in alignment. My head says forgive myself. My heart says no I don’t deserve it. I play over and over in my head all of the mistakes I’ve made as a mother, a wife, a daughter and friend and find it impossible to forgive myself.

I’m not exactly sure why because I forgive easily others. Sometimes it might take awhile but I eventually do. I still cry when I remember some of the things I’ve said. I know God forgives me, I just need the key to forgiving myself.