Posted in characters, Uncategorized

Watching my life on TV

  
Ok let me clarify. The TV show Younger is the pretext of 40 year old divorcee pretending to be 26 because se can’t get hired after she stayed home to raise her daughter. She wants health benefits and an income. That is where the similarities stop.

I am 56 and couldn’t pass for 42 (same age difference in the show). And I don’t have super young and super hot boyfriend. But I did stay home to raise my daughters. I am divorced. I don’t have health insurance and I can’t find a job. 

In the season finale she leaves her good job as a 26 year old and takes a job in a department store. Her only comments are she was able to turn off her brain and she will have health insurance. Of course her incredibly hot age appropriate boss hunts her down lays a kiss on her. 

So as much as I have in common with Liza (the character), I am unfortunately living out the realty rather than the television fiction.

Posted in Blogging, choices, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, friends, friendship, Health, help, Hiding, love, marriage, men, mistakes, Moving, New life, questions, relationships, sons, Uncategorized, values, women, WordPress, words, Writing

Fear, Silence, Homelessness

homeless

We read stories everyday of women that have been abused by a man. And sadly these women tend to repeat bad choices and go from one bad relationship to another. For anyone with a solid self-esteem and self-worth, it is incredulous that any woman would stay in such a damaging relationship. Here is something that so many people fail to understand; the abuser rarely walks in and begins the abuse immediately. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. They go hand in hand but emotional abuse can happen without physical abuse. That is my story.

Why didn’t I share? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Slowly over time my sense of independence was destroyed. Over time the belief I was lovable was destroyed. Day by day comments, looks, turning things around so I would begin to question myself believing somehow I caused him to cheat and having my concerns being dismissed and ignored regularly created a complete sense of instability. If my ex-husband was home I was always tied up in knots because I was worried I wasn’t making him happy. When he was out-of-town I was tied up in knots because I worried about what he was doing. Should I have left years ago? Of course, but he didn’t reveal his true-self all at once. He did it slowly over time. Think of a bucket being filled by one drop of water at a time. It takes a long time before the bucket overflows. So don’t judge your friend who finds herself in my position. Listen to her. Don’t rebuke her for not leaving sooner. Hug her. Offer support anyway you can. Don’t exclude her because she is no longer a couple. And certainly do NOT remain friends with her abusive ex-husband.

If I could give advice to any woman who is living with a narcissist, it would be to read as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists manipulate their victims. I would encourage her to find someone to share any secrets i.e. his cheating, his addictions, his crimes. Had I come forward the first time I found out what he was doing, I might have received support from my friends. However the shame he created in me, kept me silent. Silence is a killer. It kills your spirit. So speak up. Leaving is scary. I am facing homelessness at 56 because I was a stay-at-home mom and with no full-time work experience since 1984, I can’t get any business to take a chance on me.

Why do I write about this again? I write about this again because I can’t just dump the over-flowing bucket of abuse. It leaves as slowly as it came. Now I have a small hole in the bottom of the bucket and daily a little more of it drains out. It is just going to take time, a lot of time. Sadly I don’t have time when it comes to a job. While my ex enjoys a life in the lap of luxury, ignores his children and pretends he never destroyed lives, I work to survive and they learn to accept life as fatherless children.

Posted in Blogging, choices, communication, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, fear, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, Writing 201

Words for me

You never know when you read someone’s blog how it will you. The past few years of my life have been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. My desperation drove me to the brink of death. My therapist has been telling me God has led me to this loin and this place to heal, to heal my heart and build a new life. Below is a repost of my old Pastor’s Blog. His words are wise and so true.

Are You Ready for God to Change Your Plans? Luke 1:28–29 (ESV) And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.         Are you ready for God to change your plans?

Posted in choices, daily prompt, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, Jesus, love, marriage, men, mistakes, relationships, weddings, WordPress, Writing 201

Writing 201 Fallacy

  

 Forsaking all others until death do us part

A lifetime of care and support

You stand by my side forgiving me my faults

The mother of my children

My faithful wife

An understanding friend

A loving daughter-in-law

Lover of God, follower of Jesus, community volunteer

A sensual and eager lover

Beautiful body

Beautiful soul

I will love you forever 

The joke is on you, I cheated, I bought sex, I denied, I walked away and left you alone and financially destitute. I betrayed our family. I broke my daughters’ hearts. I left them behind and chose not to be their father. I stood before God and lied. Lied, lied, lied. I am Doug and I am a fallacy personified.

Posted in Blogging, choices, depression, diet, divorce, exercise, Goal, Health, weight

Easier on Than off

   In 2012 I decided to get healthy. I chose good healthy food. I hired a trainer and I exercised faithfully. The result? A smoking hot 52 year old woman. I felt good about myself. For the first time in my life, I liked the way I looked even though I was 20 pounds heavier than I had been when I was younger. I was desperately trying to save my marriage, but could no longer hold together a marriage with a man who was an alcoholic, porn addicted, sex addicted, selfish narcissist. So when he said he wanted a divorce that he had always had one foot out the door (so I hadn’t been crazy after all) I said fine.

zz Summer 2012 when I was taking care of myself.

  However I fell into a deep depression, literally going off the crazy cliff. I have spent the last three years eating for comfort. I stopped exercising. I became a recluse. And the result is not pretty. My depression has not improved. My health has deteriorated and my weight has increased. And it’s the eternal battle of the bulge. Putting it on is so much easier and more fun than trying to take it off.

  My family health history tells me I am headed down the wrong path if I don’t change my ways. I have started by finding a program for my mental health. Once it begins to improve, then I will tackle the task of my physical health. Anyone with a serious weight problem understands that food is just the drug of choice. The overeating, the lack of physical exercise are symptoms of something churning internally. My goal is finish out 2015 healthier both in mind and body.

Posted in Blogging, God, marriage, men, relationships, weddings, women

Missed the Point

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 I tried a new church today. The topic was marriage and the pastor began by talking about a ceremony where a woman marries herself and states she will live life to the fullest. There have been four women that have had these ceremonies but no men. Now he went down the path of marriage being between a man and a woman and nothing else. I think he totally missed the point of those ceremonies. Those women weren’t being self-indulgent or trying to redefine marriage. As a society we have taught single women that they are less than married women. If a woman reaches thirty unmarried, she is inundated with questions. However as a society we don’t ask single men in their thirties why aren’t they married yet. I think those women were saying that their lives were no less full and happy because they were single.

   Women do not have the same choices as men, even though society insists that we do. Women do not have an open door on fertility. Freezing eggs is not a choice for 99.9% of women. So if a woman wants children of her own and doesn’t want to do it alone, she must be married. Society has let men extend their adolescence into their late thirties and early forties. They focus on their career, having fun with their friends, sleep around and then decide to get married. If a woman waits until then to marry she may still be able to have children but it is not a given. A fifty year old man can marry a 30 year old woman and start his family. The reverse is not possible.

   There is still a double standard. Men can date down economically and in age. While people make jokes about cougars, the reality is most men who don’t have a family yet, won’t give up that option by marrying an older woman. And if a financially successful woman is in a relationship with a man who is not her financial equal, there is static on both sides. But a financially successful man routinely throws away the wife that got him to where he is and marries a much younger woman. No one bats an eye.

  So I think the pastor missed the point of those ceremonies. Women need to not feel less than because they are single. And rather than preaching about single women deciding to be happy being single, he should be preaching to the man-boys about growing up, being Godly men and putting away childish things. He should preach about how easily men are tempted and pulled away from their wives and families.  He should be out there helping men of all ages see that a relationship with God will enhance their lives, make their lives richer (not $$), and ground them in a way they need.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, forgiveness, friends, God, help, love, mistakes, New life, people, questions

The Future

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    Years ago I took a Bible study class and the question was asked if we would want to know our future if we were not able to change whatever may come? I said yes. Everyone else who was 15-20 years older than I was, said no. They explained that as humans if we knew the future we would spend our time focusing on the hardships and sorrows to come rather than embrace the joys we would experience. At the time I wasn’t sure I understood. I do now. If I had known fifteen years ago the heartache, betrayal and pain my husband (now ex-husband) would bring, I would have missed twelve years that did hold many happy times with my daughters, family and friends. My focus would have been on all the wrong things.

I don’t know what my future holds. Right now I find looking too far down the path frightening. I spent 30 years of my life working towards a life I no longer can have. I’ve spent the last three years being very bitter and angry because I feel like my life was stolen from me. However the bitterness and anger can’t sustain me. I have to move forward and build I new vision for my life. Hence the name of my blog, Life Rewritten. I am having to rewrite my future.

What I hope the future holds is good health for myself and my family. I hope I finally let go of the bitterness and anger, and move towards gratefulness and joy. I hope I finally can find a job so I can support myself.I hope to find a way to truly make a difference in this world. I hope my daughters and son-in-law stay joyful and happy. I hope my single daughter find Mr. Right. I hope I eventually have grandchildren. Those are my hopes and I believe there is a high probability of those things happening. Now for my dreams, I don’t honestly think they will happen. I dream of meeting Mr. Right (not likely at my age because men like younger women). I dream of owning a home and not living in an apartment for the rest of my life. I dream of being able to afford to travel again.

But we will never know our futures until our future is in our past. And we can’t change our pasts or completely control our futures. So faith becomes key. Hebrews 11:1 NIV “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Posted in Blogging, daughters, divorce, forgiveness, mistakes, sons, values, Writing

You can’t hide

Alternative-mask

     You can’t hide. I thought you could. I spent 30 years thinking I was doing a good job of hiding my unhappiness. Tonight at dinner I found out no one was fooled. My daughter told me she knew that I had been unhappy for years. She shared memories of finding me crying and lying on the floor. She has memories of me telling her it was selfish to want breakfast in bed on her birthday. She says she knew I was hurting. She just didn’t know why and as a kid, you aren’t there to save your mom. I know we all remember different things and I know she has some good memories. But I also don’t doubt her unhappy memories because she was right, I was extremely unhappy.

     It made me really sad. I had to fight to hold the tears back. Crying in the middle of the cafe would not be a good idea. She grew frustrated with me because I had asked her to be honest and when she was, I got upset. I wasn’t upset with her honesty. I was upset with myself. I had spent all of those years working and putting so much energy into hiding my unhappiness when I should have spent all of that energy on getting out of my marriage and making a life for my girls and me separate from my their dad.

    She pointed out, rightfully so, that many, many times I was superficial. I valued all the wrong things. I had let my husband’s values supersede my own values. How had that happened? In my effort to keep him happy, I abandoned what I knew to be true. And in doing so, I hurt my daughters. I only hope they can forgive me.

   We all know that you do the best you can as a parent and some of us are lucky enough to make smaller mistakes than others. My daughters are wonderful people and I am so proud of them. They have their values in the right place. They remind me to love myself and that they love me. Learning tonight I wasted all those years trying to hide behind a mask has taught me just to be myself. Happy or sad, don’t hide it. Just be happy with who you are.

Posted in choices, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, friends, God, help, Moving, New life, questions

How do you know?

fork-in-the-road

   For all of you bloggers and readers out there, how did you know you were living where you belonged? If your place of residence was not your choice but the choice of your partner or company, how did you go about making it feel like home? If made the choice to move, how did you decide where to go? I moved quite a few times between the ages of 9 and 14 every time my father received a business promotion. As a child, of course you don’t have a choice, you go where ever your parents take you. Then I married and moved again to my ex-husband’s home state followed by a move to Texas when he was hired at AA. I lived in the Dallas area for 30 years and recently relocated to Austin.

   I feel unsettled. I never chose Texas as a home but as long as I was married, it’s where I belonged. Now that I am divorced, I have a choice where to live. I moved to Austin to be closer to a daughter, but she and her husband have their own lives. And I don’t anticipate that they will permanently reside in Temple, TX which means in less than four years, there is a good chance they will be relocating. So where do I go? How do I decide? My finances are limited so an apartment on 5th Avenue in NYC is not an option nor is an oceanfront property in Seattle.

  So I am asking you to send me either places to consider or questions I should ask myself before I move. In my life I have lived where it get extremely hot and extremely cold, so any type of weather is fine. I just can’t go somewhere that has mostly cloudy as the general forecast. I have some time to decide and plan, so let me hear from you.

Posted in Uncategorized

Living with Crazy makes you Crazy

narcissist-fake

     I lived in the Dallas-Fort Worth area for 30 years. My life was built there. It is where we bought our first home, had our second child, made friends and enjoyed the fruits of our labor. I stayed home and took care of our daughters, our life and my husband when he was home. I was so proud and grateful for all his hard work. But time and time again, a terrible secret would be revealed about my now ex-husband. I convinced myself over and over that all men used porn. He told me all the pilots went to strip clubs and I needed to understand. I learned he had cheated on me with flight attendants but he convinced me that it was my fault. Then the phone call came from the police detective. Turns out all those trips to the hardware store, were actually trips to spy on girls at an apartment swimming pool and masturbate at the same time. He was a peeping tom! Of course you say, she definitely left now. Sad to say, I didn’t. He convinced me he would get help and he also said it was my fault. If I hadn’t married him when he was so young, (24) he wouldn’t feel like he had missed out on all the available sex.

   Time and time again, I’d find porn and it escalated. I found rape porn. I threatened to leave but here is a piece of advice, do not make a threat if you don’t intend to follow through with it. Again he agreed to go to counseling but it didn’t last long. His drinking increased, more strip clubs and our relationship slowly deteriorated. After one full year of counseling with a pastor/counselor, he confessed to using prostitutes at erotic massage parlors. Now hold onto your hat for this one ladies and gentlemen; it wasn’t real sex because he only paid for hand jobs. Did I leave? No. By now I was fully buried and not able to make a sound decision. He had eroded away any sense of value I had. We spent $7,000 going to The Meadows Clinic in Wickenburg, AZ. He never did any of the things they told him to do to get better.We ended up living separate lives but in the same house for two years. I know I should have left him countless times, but I loved him and hoped to work it out.

   Now for those of you who have never lived with a narcissist, you will never be able to understand. But imagine standing on a sandy beach and slowly over time the sand begins to sink. It happens so slowly, you don’t even realize it is happening. You are busy enjoying the sunset. You are busy watching the waves. You are busy thinking about the life you have. And then one day you realize that you’ve been buried alive underneath the sand that has slowly been eroding away. That is life with a narcissist. If you go to Living with a Narcissist or Life with a Narcissistic Psychopath you can find more information. It will help explain why I didn’t leave. Why I waited for him to leave me.

   After the divorce I spiraled out of control. I had written my life story and the chapters I saw in my future included my ex-husband, our daughters and their future families, travel, our friends and a secure life. When he left, he didn’t look back. It was as though our daughters and I never existed. At the age of 54, he walked away from 30 years of marriage and a life we had built. And I am not exaggerating. He lied to me and took $3000 of the $9000 cash I got in the divorce settlement. Our daughter had to try to explain to him that he had lied about needing the money. He never got it. Our daughters and son-in-law met with him and told him they would be there and stand by his side as he got help. But he never, even to this day has admitted he has any problems. Classic narcissistic behavior, he has no empathy for others, nor can he ever see or accept that he might have a problem. Sadly our daughters have fully cut him out of their lives.

   I did lose it for a while. I spiraled downward as he went right into a new relationship with a much younger woman. I stalked him. I harassed him. It is not something I am proud of but after you have lived with someone whose goal is to slowly drive you crazy, it can’t be surprising to end up crazy. I got myself together and left the country for 3 months. When I came back, I was still sad but no longer a crazy lady.

   Why am I telling you all of this? Because if you are unhappy and feel bad about yourself, if you feel like you walk on eggshells in your relationship then start reading the articles on those links. Don’t let a someone steal years of your life from you and then discard you like a piece of trash without batting an eye. You don’t want to end up where I am. I am almost 56, unemployed, living in a new city with no friends and worry things won’t change. That is why I am blogging. I am hoping it helps me begin to rewrite this new chapter of my life in a positive and good way.