I have spent a large part of my time on this blog complaining and lamenting my situation. I’ve expressed a huge range of emotions tied to feeling betrayed by my ex.
God gave me many doors during my marriage to leave and my pride kept me there. I’ve spent the last few months coming to terms with my choice to stay when God so clearly wanted me to leave. Now that I have come through the door to the other side the only emotion I feel towards my ex is pity.
The simplest definition of Pity is: a strong feeling of sadness or sympathy for someone or something. I do feel sympathy for my ex because he is blind to what matters in life. His heart is hardened. He values his image and material things. We know God doesn’t see just the image we project. He sees directly to our heart so while my ex may be fooling those around him, he is not fooling me, his daughters, son-in-law or God. We know the truth about who he is. And he has sadly bought into the lie the world tells about money and possessions. Those things pass away but the love my family and I have will last because it is based on our faith and not on what we possess or what others think of us.
With Father’s Day approaching I realized God had finally reached me and changed my direction when my primary emotion towards my ex is pity. I am no longer consumed with anger although I still feel angry from time to time. What I feel looking back and looking forward is nothing but pity for my ex because he is the one who has lost out not just now but for eternity.
I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.
The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.
I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.
My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.
I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.
A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.
I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness.
Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.
Luke 24:1–3 (ESV) But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.This week I have been thinking…
via But This Isn’t Rome! — Out of the Boat with Jesus
How do I know where to head when you can’t see the path? Faith requires to believe in what you can’t see. Do I not have enough faith because I want to see a glimpse of the path? To know that there is a path? If I believe God has plans for me, why am I so afraid of tomorrow, the next week, the rest of my life?
I keep thinking God won’t leave me without a way to support myself but in three years there has been no job offer. I wonder if God is giving me the time to write the book I always said I wanted to write? If that’s the case why can’t get focused and get beyond a few pages? Is planning a road trip if I don’t get a job offer just a way of pretending that I must give up and admit I’ve failed miserably at life?
I keep praying and asking God to give me a clear vision of the path he has planned for me. But I am still lost, lost in a deep fog that won’t lift. A job or no job determines what happens to my life next. I have just four short weeks and then it’s over. I must give my notice at my apartment and begin the ugly job of packing up my life and figuring out where to store it.
If God is listening or if God listens to you because it certainly feels like he is not listening to me, please pray that whatever happens I will have peace about it.
Psalm 23:6a“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”She has been looking for a new job. Right now she drives over an hour to work in traffic. She wants to work closer to home. She wants more time with her family. She wants to get more involved in the church. …
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4Why would a shepherd lead his sheep through “the valley of the shadow of death?” The answer is quite simple. He is taking his flock…
Risen – a trailer Use the link to see a trailer of the movie.
I think we all have a small part of ourselves that is skeptical. Can we believe what the presidential candidates say? Can we believe the reason our spouse is late? Can we believe the missing money went to pay for gas? Is the compliment genuine?
While I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose from the grave 3 days later, after seeing the movie Risen I wondered if I had been there what would I have believed? It would be nice to be confident enough to say, I would have recognized the messiah immediately. However if I am honest I would have been a skeptic just like the main character in the movie. I would have wanted evidence. Even now I find at times I seek evidence that God is active in my life. I want my prayers answered and my faith can waiver when they are not.
Our world has groomed us to be skeptics. We are taught not to trust from a very early age. Our doors stay locked. Our kids don’t talk to strangers. We don’t know our neighbors. We worry the other guy is after our job. We wonder if our spouse is faithful. Being skeptical is an American trait. It’s what we do.
Now I believe we should not always accept things at face value but neither should we dismiss something just because we’re afraid to trust. The element of trust has been broken and dismantled in our society. Do we truly trust any of the presidential candidates to put the needs of the country first? Do we believe they answer honestly or does our skepticism get in the way of actually hearing?
Our government is not a TV reality show. While one candidate might make for entertaining TV, that doesn’t mean he or she should be president. In my opinion a good president is like a good parent. Some times the things you have to do hurt and don’t bring pleasure or joy but you know it’s best in the long run. Hard decisions today make for a better tomorrow.
I don’t want to be a skeptic anymore. I want to trust my God and my fellow man.
Since relocating three years ago, I have been visiting churches. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve visited. They include churches of all sizes and denominations. I remember thinking my church (where I was involved prior to my divorce) was friendly and what I have learned is that friendly and inviting are not the same thing. Every church I’ve been to has some moment either before or during the service to greet the people around you. At a few churches no one has approached me. At most churches people shake my hand and say hello but that is the end of the moment. At only two churches have members taken the time to introduce themselves, ask a question or two about me and then invite me to join them in some additional activity. I even had a couple offer to walk with me to their Sunday School Class. I had a woman offer to pay for me to attend their women’s dinner when she find out I was unemployed. Guess which churches I liked the best?
Shaking someone’s hand and saying hello doesn’t cut it. It is difficult enough to walk into a church not knowing a soul, especially when you are alone. I remember being comfortable at my church and being involved. In the beginning I was great at seeking out and inviting new people to join me in Sunday School or a Bible Study or a women’s group or a family event. But over time, like most people, I became complacent. I am learning first hand how not reaching out beyond a handshake makes a visitor feel excluded and unwanted.
When you are busy chitchatting with your friends about an upcoming event, I am left standing there twiddling my thumbs praying the pastor hurries up and tells us to sit down. A visitor is a fish out of water. A handshake and hello does not invite them in for a swim. Now some of you may be saying I need to make an effort and just join a group. While that thought is nice in theory, in practice there are very few people that will actually on their own step out of their comfort zone and join a group. For most people just being brave enough to visit a church is placing them way outside their comfort zone. It is up to the church members to reach out and invite the visitors to experience their church on a deeper and more personal level. Don’t say to yourself, well we have a committee to do that. Or we have people that do a follow up call. It is the responsibility of every believer to try and make that connection.
So next time you have those moments to greet people or share the peace, take the time to get their name and find something out about them. If you don’t have time, make sure you get them before they walk out of the sanctuary. Invite them to something. Get their email, give them your email. Get out of your comfort zone and make your church not just a friendly place but an inviting place.