Posted in Uncategorized

Long lasting effects of Abuse

wisteria1

   The blogging assignment today was to add a widget, change your header etc. In some way we were to personalize our blog. I changed my header. It doesn’t show as much as I’d like but I could not get it sized right, so I posted it above. It is a photo I took several years ago in Paris. It is still one of my favorite pictures. I still find it difficult to believe that I had to beg my ex-husband to meet his French aunt and American uncle in the south of France. It took me several years to convince him to go. Now he flies the 777 internationally and goes to Paris all the time. I will admit it is a thorn in my side. He always wanted to go only to beaches or lakes. I was the one that wanted to explore the world. Now he is the world explorer and I am left to struggle to make ends meet.

    I have promised myself I will not make this blog just a b*tich fest. I did suffer from narcissistic abuse (30 years) and it has very long-lasting effects. Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome  If you are depressed, unhappy, have low self-esteem etc and can’t really figure out why, I suggest you follow the link and read. I’ve been through countless counselors seeking help. Now that I know what the problem is, I am hoping this new counselor will actually help me get better.

   From this point forward I will share happier thoughts and ideas on how I try to actively explore the world around me even if it’s just a few miles away.

Posted in New life

A Perfect Example of Where

 
Here is a perfect example of a time when I feel the need to write but I am not near my computer. I’m having breakfast at Chick-Fil-A. For those of you unfamiliar with this fast food restaurant let’s say a day doesn’t go by that there isn’t a double loop of cars waiting for the drive thru and inside you can scarcely move for people.

But back to writing, I’m using my phone. Why do I feel the need to write this morning? Because I am being forced to accept a life change that I never wanted. Even after almost 3 years, I go to sleep thinking it is a bad dream and when I wake up it’ll be over. But every morning I wake up to find that I am still alone and struggling to find meaning and purpose in my life.

I have a job interview today for a job I do not want. Why am I going? Because in the 3 years I’ve been searching it is only the 3rd company that has offered me an interview. It’s a retail job so the pay and hours suck. I will be on my feet everyday and honestly don’t know if physically I can do that. Then I shake myself back into reality and tell myself to suck it up. I know I’m blessed in many ways and give thanks daily. However when you fight serious, deep hole depression to compare how good I have it to others only lays on the guilt and makes the depression worse.

And in the core of my being, I know God has a plan but like Job I wonder how long He will keep me in this struggle. When will He think I’ve learned what He wants me to know? I hope it’s soon because I feel myself losing ground inch by inch everyday.

Posted in Uncategorized

Only One Way?

map

  Maps. Directions. Roads. Lost. GPS, yes, GPS. Living in a new city my GPS has become my new best friend. I have never had a good sense of direction. When I was 14 years old, my family was driving from our home in Las Vegas to Disneyland. With my map reading skills, we ended up outside of San Diego. That is NOT close to Disneyland.

  One of the first things I did when I moved to Austin was to buy a map. It is large and I stand and look at it, trying to get an idea of where I am located in reference to where I am going. Studying the map, I determine there are endless ways to reach my destination. When I plug-in the address to my GPS, it even gives me options. It is up to me to decide which route to take.

  Of course our route can be interrupted by road work, an accident, one way streets etc. So we are forced to find another way to our final destination. GPS of course makes it simple. But when there were only maps ,no GPS,  and I would get lost, I had to pull over to the side of the road and study the map to find a new route.

   That is my life right now. I am pulled over to the side of the road studying it and trying to find a new path, a new direction to reach my destination. What is my destination? A life with purpose and lived with passion. Prior to my divorce, I was on a one way road and believed the life I was living was the only way to experience happiness. Since my divorce, I have slowly discovered that there are endless paths to living a new purposeful life. Just like when the GPS gives me a choice of routes, it is up to me to select which road I will take now because joy, purpose and passion lie just around the bend.

Posted in Uncategorized

Exploring Life 101

   Blogging 101 assignment: Identify my audience. Hmm, even though I’ve had blogs before, I have never considered the possibility I would actually have an audience. So this is an intriguing assignment. We were told to add media, try new styles etc to keep the reader interested. So I thought maybe learning a little more about me and where I am going with my life might help me connect with similar bloggers and people. 

me2015IMG_1180 Me now and me a million years ago.

       There are several things I typically tell people about myself when asked for the most unique or unusual thing about my life. I was on a national pageant representing Nevada. I was on a national TV game show. I was interviewed for the CBS evening news with Dan Rather. Those facts typically create quite a few questions. If you are interested in any of it, leave a question in the comment section of my blog.

   At the age of 40, I spent a week trying to improve my French in Roanne, France. It was beautiful and fun, but my language skills were still poor. Then at age 54, nine months after my divorce, I went to Tours, France. I spent 3 months doing my best to improve my French. Again it was a lovely time, but I have come to the conclusion my French speaking skills aren’t going to progress past advance beginner. Below are photos from my time in Tours. Yes that is a photo of a snake. I found it in my bathroom. Again if you want more information, leave a question in the comments.

snake IMG_1206tours1tourschristmas

   I have lived in several states, but have spent the past 30.5 years living in Texas with 30 of those being in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I moved to Austin in June to try to find a new life path. Austin is completely 180 degrees different than Dallas. It is down to earth, eco-friendly, creative and hilly with lots of trees. Dallas is flat, superficial, (who has the biggest house, diamond, boobs etc), not eco-friendly and has just recently become friendlier to the creative arts.

   I have no idea what the future holds. I have been unemployed for over 2 years now and just learned I didn’t get the job I wanted. So I am still seeking a new purpose. I am no longer someone’s wife. And while I am still the mother of 2 incredible young women, they have successfully gone on to live their own lives. Purpose. I think that is what most of us want. We just want to have a purpose and be loved. It doesn’t matter whether it’s here or halfway around the world in some remote village, we all seek those things.

   I have no idea who my audience might be. I am hoping people who are want to explore life either on a new path or an old path will be my blog followers.

Posted in Uncategorized

Uncertainty -writing 101

One word prompt: Uncertainty

Plans made. Plans lost. Plans revised. Plans denied. Dreams made. Dreams lost. Dreams revised. Dreams denied. Love made. Love lost. Love revised. Love denied. Trust made. Trust lost. Trust revised. Trust denied. 

Fear slowly creeps across my path like poison ivy. It is entangling me and choking me and killing me. Uncertainty is an unwelcomed guest.