Posted in book, divorce, Experience, God, novels, Uncategorized, WordPress

What’s Next?

  
What’s next for me? I have just five weeks to find a job. If I don’t I will have to give notice and not renew my lease. My things will go into storage and I will move in with my mother. As much as I love my mother, I want to be self sufficient. If anyone had told me three years post divorce I would still be unemployed, I never would have believed them.

My therapist says to write. He says to write the book that’s been hidden away inside of me. He’s encouraged me to try and grow my blog following. I like to write but how do we know if we have something to say? How do we know if we have a story to tell? I’ve voiced the speculation that maybe God wants me to write and that’s why I haven’t found a job. Sadly I don’t really believe that. It’s just a way I’ve tried to make myself feel better.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, certainly not I. All I can do is weather the storm and pray that eventually I see sunshine and a rainbow.

Posted in choices, daily prompt, depression, divorce, Experience, Health, help, love, mistakes, Uncategorized, women, WordPress

Mining my own material 

To be honest I couldn’t find anything I felt worthy of readdressing. My mood is dark as is my future. I no longer think clearly or have the ability to read a book or watch a simple television show without seeing and thinking of all that was taken from me and what I will never experience again. And to aggravate me and wear my patience my cat will not stop crying. He meows over and over, louder and louder. Do you think he speaking for me? Crying the tears when I’m too lost to cry for myself?

  

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, daughters, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, forgiveness, friends, God, help, love, mistakes, New life, people, questions

The Future

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    Years ago I took a Bible study class and the question was asked if we would want to know our future if we were not able to change whatever may come? I said yes. Everyone else who was 15-20 years older than I was, said no. They explained that as humans if we knew the future we would spend our time focusing on the hardships and sorrows to come rather than embrace the joys we would experience. At the time I wasn’t sure I understood. I do now. If I had known fifteen years ago the heartache, betrayal and pain my husband (now ex-husband) would bring, I would have missed twelve years that did hold many happy times with my daughters, family and friends. My focus would have been on all the wrong things.

I don’t know what my future holds. Right now I find looking too far down the path frightening. I spent 30 years of my life working towards a life I no longer can have. I’ve spent the last three years being very bitter and angry because I feel like my life was stolen from me. However the bitterness and anger can’t sustain me. I have to move forward and build I new vision for my life. Hence the name of my blog, Life Rewritten. I am having to rewrite my future.

What I hope the future holds is good health for myself and my family. I hope I finally let go of the bitterness and anger, and move towards gratefulness and joy. I hope I finally can find a job so I can support myself.I hope to find a way to truly make a difference in this world. I hope my daughters and son-in-law stay joyful and happy. I hope my single daughter find Mr. Right. I hope I eventually have grandchildren. Those are my hopes and I believe there is a high probability of those things happening. Now for my dreams, I don’t honestly think they will happen. I dream of meeting Mr. Right (not likely at my age because men like younger women). I dream of owning a home and not living in an apartment for the rest of my life. I dream of being able to afford to travel again.

But we will never know our futures until our future is in our past. And we can’t change our pasts or completely control our futures. So faith becomes key. Hebrews 11:1 NIV “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Posted in Uncategorized

Living with Crazy makes you Crazy

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     I lived in the Dallas-Fort Worth area for 30 years. My life was built there. It is where we bought our first home, had our second child, made friends and enjoyed the fruits of our labor. I stayed home and took care of our daughters, our life and my husband when he was home. I was so proud and grateful for all his hard work. But time and time again, a terrible secret would be revealed about my now ex-husband. I convinced myself over and over that all men used porn. He told me all the pilots went to strip clubs and I needed to understand. I learned he had cheated on me with flight attendants but he convinced me that it was my fault. Then the phone call came from the police detective. Turns out all those trips to the hardware store, were actually trips to spy on girls at an apartment swimming pool and masturbate at the same time. He was a peeping tom! Of course you say, she definitely left now. Sad to say, I didn’t. He convinced me he would get help and he also said it was my fault. If I hadn’t married him when he was so young, (24) he wouldn’t feel like he had missed out on all the available sex.

   Time and time again, I’d find porn and it escalated. I found rape porn. I threatened to leave but here is a piece of advice, do not make a threat if you don’t intend to follow through with it. Again he agreed to go to counseling but it didn’t last long. His drinking increased, more strip clubs and our relationship slowly deteriorated. After one full year of counseling with a pastor/counselor, he confessed to using prostitutes at erotic massage parlors. Now hold onto your hat for this one ladies and gentlemen; it wasn’t real sex because he only paid for hand jobs. Did I leave? No. By now I was fully buried and not able to make a sound decision. He had eroded away any sense of value I had. We spent $7,000 going to The Meadows Clinic in Wickenburg, AZ. He never did any of the things they told him to do to get better.We ended up living separate lives but in the same house for two years. I know I should have left him countless times, but I loved him and hoped to work it out.

   Now for those of you who have never lived with a narcissist, you will never be able to understand. But imagine standing on a sandy beach and slowly over time the sand begins to sink. It happens so slowly, you don’t even realize it is happening. You are busy enjoying the sunset. You are busy watching the waves. You are busy thinking about the life you have. And then one day you realize that you’ve been buried alive underneath the sand that has slowly been eroding away. That is life with a narcissist. If you go to Living with a Narcissist or Life with a Narcissistic Psychopath you can find more information. It will help explain why I didn’t leave. Why I waited for him to leave me.

   After the divorce I spiraled out of control. I had written my life story and the chapters I saw in my future included my ex-husband, our daughters and their future families, travel, our friends and a secure life. When he left, he didn’t look back. It was as though our daughters and I never existed. At the age of 54, he walked away from 30 years of marriage and a life we had built. And I am not exaggerating. He lied to me and took $3000 of the $9000 cash I got in the divorce settlement. Our daughter had to try to explain to him that he had lied about needing the money. He never got it. Our daughters and son-in-law met with him and told him they would be there and stand by his side as he got help. But he never, even to this day has admitted he has any problems. Classic narcissistic behavior, he has no empathy for others, nor can he ever see or accept that he might have a problem. Sadly our daughters have fully cut him out of their lives.

   I did lose it for a while. I spiraled downward as he went right into a new relationship with a much younger woman. I stalked him. I harassed him. It is not something I am proud of but after you have lived with someone whose goal is to slowly drive you crazy, it can’t be surprising to end up crazy. I got myself together and left the country for 3 months. When I came back, I was still sad but no longer a crazy lady.

   Why am I telling you all of this? Because if you are unhappy and feel bad about yourself, if you feel like you walk on eggshells in your relationship then start reading the articles on those links. Don’t let a someone steal years of your life from you and then discard you like a piece of trash without batting an eye. You don’t want to end up where I am. I am almost 56, unemployed, living in a new city with no friends and worry things won’t change. That is why I am blogging. I am hoping it helps me begin to rewrite this new chapter of my life in a positive and good way.

Posted in Uncategorized

If we were walking in the garden. . .

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     If we were walking in the garden, I would tell you how good it feels to have company, to not be alone for another 24 hours.

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    If we were walking in the garden, I would bring you up-to-date on my job search. You would learn I received another rejection with the same lame excuse. We have decided to move forward with another candidate. When I ask for specific suggestions, they give no feedback. I listened to NPR the other day and the entire broadcast on my way home was about the fact age discrimination is real and active in the job market. So where does that leave me at almost 56?

    If we were walking in the garden, I would ask for a hug because now that DSC_0020I no longer live with my daughter or near my other daughter, I am completely hug deprived. I always told my girls you needed 10 hugs a day to be happy and healthy,

DSC_0010   If we were walking in the garden, I would be quiet. I would listen for birds. I would listen to the waterfall. I would take in all the sounds and allow them to quiet my spirit.

   If we were walking in the garden, I’d ask if money was no object what DSC_0009would you do and where would you go? I would listen to your dreams and encourage you to follow them.

  DSC_0017 If we were walking in the garden, I would thank you for taking some of your day to spend with me because we know we make time for what we feel is important. If your friends aren’t spending time with you, contacting you or remembering you even in a small way, you know your friendship is not important to them.

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If we were walking in the garden, I would ask would you like to take a walk again on another day>

Posted in New life

Reinvent the letter

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  This is an interesting assignment because on my other blog Living Like Demelza I wrote a post about the lost art of letter writing. I hand write letters almost daily and mail them to friends and family. I am choosing to write a letter to my younger self.

Dear Dede,

I know you will doubt the authenticity of this letter. You’ll wonder how you could actually receive a letter from your future self. It doesn’t really matter how it happened, just be thankful that it happened. As a parent, I realize you may take none, some or all of my advice. All I ask is that you seriously ponder what I have to say because if you choose to listen and embrace what I say, I can guarantee your future life will be better than what I made of it.

  1. You are loved. I know you doubt that statement. When your mother yells, “you just wait, one of these days you’re going to do something and I’ll be out of here”, she isn’t saying you are the cause of her problems. She is just frustrated, unhappy and fights depression. She loves you and she needs your compassion.
  2. You are smart. Your family might tease you and say, “well you just think you’re so smart” but they don’t do it to make you feel bad. They just don’t know how to say you’re smart and it makes them proud. Sometimes they don’t understand how to talk to you. That’s okay. Be proud of yourself.
  3. Dream and dream big. Don’t bury your dreams because no one at home encourages you. Dig deep and find your own drive and go study in France. Find a way. If you don’t, you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it.
  4. Stop comparing yourself to everyone. God created each of us to be unique. What a boring world it would be if we all looked the same and thought the same, the world would be a boring place. Ready the book, People by Peter Spier. It is a simple book but you will understand being different is a good thing.

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5.  Take care of your body. Exercise. You aren’t always going to be able to eat ice cream without consequences. You can’t start slow. Love your body. It is healthy. Keep it healthy and understand that there is no perfect body. There is no need to change what you have, but take care of it.

6. It is great to be in love but not all men are worthy of your love. They will use you and do their best to undermine all the confidence you have built. They will try to convince you that you are less than other women and should feel grateful they love you. They won’t beat you with their fists, but they will use words, mind games, your own insecurities to their benefit. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to spot their traits because if you don’t, you are destined to make a huge life mistake.

7. Beautiful things are wonderful. Living in a big house is great. A luxury car is nice but things are not what makes life wonderful. Fill your life with memories, not with things. You will be able to keep the memories for a lifetime but things wear out, get lost, go out of style or you just tire of them. And if your happiness is based on things, you’ll never have enough. The empty hole you are trying to fill will never be full.

8. Trust God’s plan. I know sometimes you like to get ahead of yourself. You want to help God out and take care of things for Him. It is not necessary. That doesn’t mean to sit around and do nothing. What it does mean is to surround yourself with Godly men and women, find a church home, get involved, spend time in God’s word. Take time to be quiet and listen. It is the only way to hear Him.

9. Be creative. Learn to play an instrument. You don’t have to be perfect at it, but learn it anyway. Try painting, writing, sewing etc. Keep your creative juices flowing. Your creativity is one of your greatest gifts. Don’t let fear stop you from going down that path.

10. Know that you are loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic, fun, beautiful, smart, a life long learner, a truly wonderful person. Never question your value.

You are probably shaking your head and thinking who is this person. Why is she telling me all of this stuff? What does she know that I don’t know? I am you. I allowed insecurities, fear and a narcissistic man to destroy my very core being. I am now having to rebuild it ground up at age 55. I can say he gave me the two greatest gifts in my life, my two daughters. If you make different choices he won’t be in your life, but I am confident God will still send you the same two wonderful girls so don’t feel any pressure to marry quickly. Save this letter. Read it daily if you must. Memorize it. Hold on to it. It will change your life.

Your future self, Dede