Month: May 2016

Posted in depression, Health, Uncategorized

Ringing ringing 

Posted on by Dede

I have had a ringing in my left ear for two months now. I’ve been to an ear specialist and there isn’t much which can be done. When there is a lot of white noise during the day, I can manage. But I love alone and it is very quiet here. It’s then the ringing is so loud I feel as though someone else would be able to hear it.

The doctor said it is a middle ear problem. I’ve searched all over the Internet for solutions. Nothing has worked. This definitely doesn’t make my battle with depression easier. In makes it more difficult. The doctor mentioned Ménière’s disease but I’ve only had one bout of vertigo and that was over a year ago and I had no ear issues then.

I just pray I could catch a break. The tide keeps rising and keeping my head above water gets more difficult. Just taking it one minute at a time.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, blogging201, book, book review, Uncategorized, Writing

Life with a Book

Posted on by Dede

I have added a blog. I now have Life Rewritten and Life with a Book. I don’t know how I would live without books. They add so much to my life, adventure, comfort, love, knowledge just to name a few. So if you like to read, I’d love to have you follow my new blog.

Life with A Book

Posted in friendship, Health, New life, Online dating, Uncategorized

The New Middle Age

Posted on by Dede


The Today Show has been doing a series titled “The New Middle Age.” Joan Lunden told us in a survey people selected 55 as middle age. Which I find very interesting because she interviewed women in their 40s with young children. Definitely not the demographic described by her own survey. I don’t know about you but where my life is now is vastly different from where my life was 10 years ago. And I think there is a major life shift for most people between mid 40s and mid 50s.

Children leave home. Careers change. You are either promoted or downsized. Marriages grown stronger or they break apart. The husband has a mid-life crisis and runs off with a younger woman. Sons and daughters-in-law and grand children are added to the family. Maybe you downsize your home or move to a new place, which means getting rid of lots of things. So I think her interviews held no weight because she didn’t interview people who were really middle aged. 

Today they shared some round table talk with a variety of ages. I think their survey numbers were way off because I think people lied about discriminating based on age. Again age discrimination is alive and well. I can’t find a job because I’m entering the workforce at such a late time in life. Their is a perception I can’t learn new skills or my potential career will be to short. I clearly remember signing in at a Verizon Store. They took customers in the order in which they signed in unless you were a pretty young blond. A male Verizon employee disregarded the list of who was to be served next and went to help the blind hottie. I spoke up loudly and complained to the manager. Of course he said he didn’t see a problem.

For a woman 50 seems to be the magic number. It’s when you disappear from TV, movies, music, etc. And I finally stopped trying online dating because the majority of men, regardless of age set their search parameters not to select women who exceed 50 years of age. If you are over 50 you’ll never show up as a possibility. Even women your own age separate you out of their life if your life doesn’t follow their path i.e. you are divorced and they are still married.

I try and forget my age but always try and remember getting older is a privilege many never get. So rather than ignoring the “older” person next to you, engage them in conversation and open your world to new possibilities of friendship.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

Posted on by Dede

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in daily prompt, life, Uncategorized, WordPress

Flourish – Daily Prompt

Posted on by Dede

Flourish is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary to mean: to grow or develop successfully, to move something in your hand in order to make people look at it:a big, noticeable movement.  They also have a list of related words or phrases. So many times we lock ourselves into a definition and forget it can have a broader meaning.  I think I do that with my life. I can lock myself into a life which I believe is destined to be boring, uninspiring, empty and half-lived. So using some of their related words and phrases (in blue) I will write with a flourish about my new life.

Since my divorce I am having to take a step forward in order to advance and evolve my life into something new. When I take the first step, my life  will begin to  flower  and move forward . And when my life is flourishing, I can gather my achievements and  continue to grow. It may take awhile but I will eventually have come a long way. It will take time to make headway and progress in order to regenerate and rise. But I know with certainty my new life will begin to take shape while I spread my wings. I will find my stride and live my life fully while it unfolds into a beautiful, compassionate, kind, joyous and spirit filled life.

WordPress Daily Prompt

Posted in book, divorce, fear, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

67,439 The End

Posted on by Dede

book

I finished writing. I am not certain 67,439 words qualifies as a book but it is certainly the most I’ve ever written. Now I need to take the steps to get e-published. It isn’t as simple as it sounds. An editor must be found and paid to do the work. A professional book cover artist must be hired to make the book look appealing. I must research and determine which e-publisher is the best fit for me. This is followed by making certain the book is formatted to meet the qualifications for whichever e-publisher I select. Then the prayers that someone will want to buy my book. I may never become a famous writer, but I can now honestly say I have written a book. Below is a sample from the beginning of the story. I hope you enjoy it. And if any of you have been down the e-publishing road, I would love any and all advice you have to share. The words below are my creation and not to be republished without permission.

First comes Shame, second comes Fear  and then comes Murder 

             Spring was on the horizon. It was one of her favorite times of year here in Bowie Hills. Central Texas prairies produced some of the most beautiful wildflowers. It wouldn’t be long before the roads were lined with Bluebonnets, Indian paintbrush, purple foxgloves, honey daisies, orange milkweed and more. It was a veritable artist’s palette covering the fields. This year was set to be a good one. There had been enough rain and no late freezes. Charlotte was lost in her thoughts when she used her electronic swipe card. Opening the side door, she entered and headed to her classroom. The lights were motion sensitive and turned on as she made her way down the long corridor. Charlotte marveled at how much the school had grown. Just over 900 students in two grades when it first opened, Bowie Hills High was now home to four grades and over 4,000 which did not include teachers, staff and administration. Bowie HHS was almost as large as the town had been when she first arrived here as a young wife and mother. She had been set to create a perfect life for her, Dan and Hannah. Kaitlyn came along two years later. Her dreams were big then. How dreams can change she thought to herself.

 Charlotte had forgotten the latest essays her students had turned in.  She had been deep in a conversation with her two favorite students over their most recently read novel. Her attention had been on Andrew and Brandon and not the essays. She had walked off and left them in her classroom. Charlotte decided after dinner to return and pick them up. She would have plenty of free time to read and grade them since it was a three-day weekend. The lights to her hallway would not turn on until she actually had walked a few strides down the corridor, so looking ahead it was dark. When she reached the corner of the English classroom hallway and turned, Charlotte took a few steps and then she tripped. Managing to stay upright and not falling completely to the floor, she turned to see what had caused her to trip.  She froze. Unable to scream due to the horrific scene before her, Charlotte just stood there. Staring. Staring at the body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Coming to her senses, she dialed 911 and requested emergency help. Then doing what seemed obvious, she checked for a pulse. None was to be found. The face was covered with long blond hair and Charlotte carefully moved it away to see if she recognized the girl. There had been an unspeakable crime in her school, in this safe haven for children.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Posted on by Dede

To deal with sociopaths effectively, you first need to open your eyes. In The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson, two weavers promise the emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those who are stupid and unfit for their positions. When the emperor parades before his subjects, all the adults, not […]

https://psychopathresistance.wordpress.com/2016/05/15/the-emperors-new-clothes/

Posted in depression, Dreaming, Experience, Uncategorized

Fear of Happiness

Posted on by Dede


Everyone recognizes the universal symbol for happiness, the yellow happy face. I’ve been reading articles about the fear of happiness. I’ve often wondered if I am afraid to be happy again and if so why?

I’m afraid the happiness won’t be real. It will only be illusion. My life experience consists of giving love to an illusion. My happiness was an illusion. I don’t trust myself now to recognize what happiness is. I understand happiness isn’t a perpetual state of nothing ever going wrong but I thought I was happy. Now looking back, especially when I look at old photos I can easily see I lack the spark of happiness. It makes me sad. Will I make the same mistake again? 

I know I spend too much time worried about what other people think. It keeps me inhibited. It makes relaxing difficult and I miss out on enjoying the moment. I could give a long list of reasons why I worry but ultimately none of them matter. The only thing which matters is I am missing out on fully embracing life.

I found a new app for my phone. It is called You. It is free and it speaks of micro actions. They are very small steps you take towards making changes in your life. There are prompts. You can follow people. I’m going to do my best to make micro actions and ultimately change my life in a big way.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

He is near

Posted on by Dede


I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.

Posted in depression, Uncategorized

Not again

Posted on by Dede


Every time I get a glimmer of hope and begin to believe that things in my life are finally beginning to turn around, I am reminded to stop hoping. I had a complete breakdown yesterday because yet again someone decided I wasn’t right for the job.

I’ve stopped asking God what he is trying to teach me because I don’t care anymore. I won’t survive another rejection. The best I can do at this moment is to make it to the next moment. Nothing more, nothing less. I spent time writing my mission statement but let’s face it without a job, there is no money. And we all know money is needed for rent and food. I won’t even discuss car payment or health care.

I’m tired. My daughters want me to get better. I understand they love me. I just don’t have it in me to try anymore. The best I can offer is one day and only one day at a time.

Posted in Uncategorized

Keep Going

Posted on by Dede

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” ― Winston S. Churchill It hurts. It gets old. It’s a dull pain one day and a sharp pain the next. Getting through the bad times wears you down and shapes you at the same time. You can’t see your way out and you’re convinced they will […]

http://myworldwithwords.com/2016/04/28/keep-going/

Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

Posted on by Dede

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.   So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques […]

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/we-didnt-fall-in-love-with-the-abuse-we-were-seduced-into-this-abusive-relationship-and-manipulated-into-a-role-by-a-fraud-and-a-highly-disordered-and-sadistic-narcissist-with-an-agenda/

Posted in Experience, Faith, Health, Learning, Uncategorized

Writing a Mission Statement

Posted on by Dede

accomplish-1136863_960_720

It is fairly common for most businesses and churches to have mission statements. They can be quite simple or complex but the mission statement helps define who something or someone is and how they want to contribute to the world around us. I’ve tried writing my own personal mission statement but always seem to lose focus. How specific should I be?  Do I need an individual statement for each area of life? Can I write it so it is clear, concise and helps me become the person I wish to be? Whatever step I take, I need to begin by trying.

I have found a great, FREE, online tool which can help you write your own personal mission statement. At Franklin Covey they walk you through the process. They ask the questions and you supply the answers. When you are finished with the process, they provide you with a well written and concise mission statement. You can go back and tweak it if something does not reflect your original meaning. Once you read it you may find you want to go back and add or delete something. It is very easy to use. Below is my personal mission statement made at Franklin Covey.

  1. I am at my best when I am helping people.
  2. I will try to prevent times when I have no purpose.
  3. I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can write, read, answer questions, and be creative.
  4. I will find enjoyment in my personal life through writing, reading, creating, giving back to the community, spending time with my daughters and traveling.
  5. I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as making people feel welcome and included, explaining things, being a friend, writing and being creative.
  6. I can do anything I set my mind to. I will write a book, travel the world, and learn to speak French, Spanish and Italian, buy a home so I can invite friends and family to make memories with me there, and volunteer to help girls.
  7. My life’s journey is about loving my ex-husband, freely offering forgiveness and ultimately being betrayed. It is how I am healing from the hurt with the support of Heidi, Chris and Kari and rebuilding a full life including the possibility of love with a new life partner. My journey is about making a positive contribution to my family and community.
  8. When I am 80, I will be a person who is surrounded by my daughters, their husbands, my grandchildren and my life partner. My church and community friends will be there to celebrate the positive and loving impact I have had on them and my community. I will be celebrating what I can accomplish in my time left on this earth, my faith in God and the legacy I will leave behind.
  9. My most important future contribution to others will be my daughters’ deep faith in God and the knowledge he is always with them and will never leave them. I will have also taught them the importance of forgiveness, loving support and leaving behind toxic people. These qualities will enhance the lives of everyone with whom they come in contact.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • Taking better care of my health through diet and exercise.
  • Returning to my faith by joining a church and becoming an active participant.
  • Believing in myself and my ability to succeed, be happy and to be loved. Giving up the idea I am doomed for unhappiness and to be alone for the rest of my life without a loving life partner.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Unconditional love
  • Compassion in action
  • Deep and abiding faith despite unanswered prayers

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Taking control of my health by choosing a healthy diet and adding an exercise program.
  • Joining a church, getting involved and beginning to study the Bible again.
  • Signing up to learn something new
  • No longer isolate myself by finding areas in my community in which to become involved.

 

Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse

Posted on by Dede

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ Amazon.com Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of […]

via Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse

Posted in daily prompt, Uncategorized

Daily Prompt Survival

Posted on by Dede

swiss-army-knife-572667_960_720

That is a photo of a victorinox Swiss army knife. Approximately 130 years ago, Karl Eisener made the first Swiss army knife. Little has changed over the years. It provides you with the simple tools you need in everyday life and in a moment of need. Millions of people worldwide carry the little knife. It is an all-purpose tool. I wish there was an all purpose tool for dealing with everyday life and the challenges some of us face.

I won’t ramble on about the economic disparity in the world. I know it exists and I also know even in my current situation, I have it 1000% better than most people, at least the material sense of survival. But time and time again, some of the most economically successful countries don’t rank high on happiness tests. We’ve not had to face the simple question, how will I survive for so long, we lose focus. We chase after things which are temporary and will not last. Accumulations of wealth may make you comfortable, but it will never fill the void left in your heart.

I worry now about basic survival. Will I be able to pay my rent? Buy food? Afford healthcare? I also worry about the hole left in my heart. Will I ever find God again? Will someone ever love me again? Will I ever belong in a community again? My children believe my complaints about my lifestyle change and loss of material wealth is shallow. They don’t understand it is not the “things” I miss. I miss what those things represent safety, security, home, love and a life I built with a man who promised God and my own father he would take care of me until death do us part. He lied.

I am focused on survival. Focused on not letting my depression get the best of me. I am navigating an uncharted territory (for me) as a single, middle-aged woman who doesn’t like the idea of spending possibly 30 or 40 years alone. I want a life partner. I am trying to find a way to financially support myself. Every day right now is a survival test for me and I understand I am lucky these are my problems because there are far more serious survival challenges in the world faced daily by people just like me.

But you have to admit, wouldn’t it be nice to have a tool, like the victorinox Swiss Army knife for life.

Daily Prompt: Survival

Posted in Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Color Code

Posted on by Dede

tape

This being my sixth move in four years, I decided it was time to find an easier way to determine where each box should go. I’ve tried writing on the boxes. I’ve used different color markers. I’ve purchased large white labels and wrote on the boxes. And while each helped some, I wanted a way to quickly look at a box and decide where I wanted it to go.

I bought duct tape in a variety of colors. Using a box cutter, I carefully sliced the tape down the center so it would provide me with narrower strips and twice as much tape. Then in a small notebook, I put a piece of each tape and labeled which room it represented. The living area is yellow. Christmas is black. Office/Craft room is white. You get the idea.

I’ve begun to move the boxes to my garage to get more organized and figure out what I have left to pack. With a quick glance I can tell where I need to place the box I am moving into the garage. And since I am having to downsize yet again, I will know which boxes will be headed to storage.

Colored duct tape is providing me with a simple visual clue to help organize my very unorganized and unsettled life. And right now any small thing which adds to my sense of peace and control, it a miracle from God

 

 

Posted in choices, depression, divorce, Faith, family, Jesus, Uncategorized

In the Minutia

Posted on by Dede

moth-425085_960_720

The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.

I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.

My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.

I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.

Posted in divorce, Uncategorized

Destroyed

Posted on by Dede

Well my ex should be joyous and celebrating because I have had to lower my living standards again. Our first apartment when we were married was nicer than where I will be living. His goal has been to destroy my life and he has done just that. He lives on a pile of money with a woman who has filed bankruptcy twice, drove her ex to commit suicide and has over $500,000 in federal tax liens filed against her. I hope she sucks him dry.

Posted in book, book review, books, characters, choices, fictional, friends, love, men, New life, novels, people, strong, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

I admit it, I am addict

Posted on by Dede

book

Alright, I may have admitted this before, but it is important we own our addictions. And I have found a new website which happily feeds my addiction. It is Thrift Books. I’ve been using the library for ebooks but sometimes I am impatient and don’t want to be 11th in line for a book, so I feel compelled by my addiction to buy the book. Thrift Books helps me afford to do that but, I am a book addict. I will say it again. I am a book addict. Since January 1st, I have read 38 books. Which means I am averaging one book approximately every 3.8 days. And since last fall I have specifically become addicted to detective mystery series set either in another time or another place. These include:

  • The Armand Gamache Books by Louise Penny – set in Quebec, present day
  • The Maisie Dobbs Books by Jacqueline Winspear- set in England pre and post WWI
  • The Ian Rutledge Books by Charles Todd- set in England post WWI 
  • Bruno, Chief of Police Books by Martin Walker- set in St. Denis area, France, present Day

I am not certain why I have suddenly become addicted to this type of book but I do know why a series captures me. A good writer makes a character real in my mind. These characters become my friends. I think about them. I wonder what they are doing when I am finished with a series. What do I share with each of them.  Each character faces their own demons and identifying with this is easy. I question my choices like Armand. I have been hurt and right now I keep s wall around my emotions like Maisie. Ian struggles with a voice in his head of a lost soldier. I struggle with my own voice chastising me for making so many wrong choices. I long for love like Bruno.

I admire them and their unique qualities. What can I learn from their lives and then incorporate into my own life so I will be happier, more content person.  I want to be a better listener like Armand. I want to be patient like Maisie and not miss the details. I want to push past my fears like Ian. And I want to live a life rich with friends and the love of the simple things like Bruno. I know they are fictional characters but I still learn something about myself through each book, each story, each struggle and each triumph.

So again, I admit I am an addict, a book addict and I hope I never am cured.

 

Posted in book, characters, choices, family, food, friendship, love, New life, relationships, Uncategorized

Lost Art of Dining

Posted on by Dede

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I am currently reading a book series by Martin Walker. They tell the story of Bruno Courrèges , the chief of police in the Périgord area of France. He loves his village of St. Denis, his adopted hometown. Here he finds the love and support he didn’t have as an orphaned boy. One of his great loves is cooking and dining well. He is gourmand and I sadly am a daughter of American cuisine. My palate would be challenged by some of his meals. However, the food doesn’t need to be fancy to be shared.

Dining with friends is a central theme throughout the series. Bruno is known for his cooking in addition to his astute police work. Laughter, sadness, love, hopes and dreams are shared between friends and family around the dinner table. Farewells are said to friends lost through death. Now I realize this is a book and not real life, but I do know the importance sitting together with your family for one meal a day . It plays a vital role in our lives. It is the one chance each day we have the opportunity to focus on those most important to us. Dinner time is when a child might express concern or joy about something inparticular. It is when parents teach their children through discussion the importance of staying connected with what is going on in the world. It is clearly the time parents can share their values through simple conversation.

Dining with friends widens our network of support. We are reminded we don’t face life’s hardships alone and we don’t celebrate the goodness of life alone either. At the dinner table we learn to give thanks for the simple things in life and the importance having a strong network of friends can be. Americans though have a difficult time sitting down and dining. Dinner is often rushed take out. Everyone grabs their order then scrambles off to their private space in the house. I know time is limited and the author is very clever because he writes about Bruno doing preperations prior to his day beginning. It does take practice but if everyone shared the responsiblity (at the the husband and wife) then it wouldn’t seem like such a burden.

Americans don’t entertain friends much anymore either, at least most of my former friends didn’t. When I or the one other friend who entertained would invite people to share dinner in our homes, you would think we had given them an expensive and irreplacable gift. I agree the gift of friendship is irreplacable but sharing dinner doesn’t have to be.  If you can’t afford to serve dinner to a group of friends, host a potluck. Or maybe host a dessert party, a make your own pizza party or an after dinner drinks party. The object is to come together for a time and shut out the rest of the world. Bruno, time and time again, finds the support and encouragement he needs around the dinner table.

I live alone and have allowed this to be my excuse for not cooking. Why cook for one? It is so much work if I am the only one who will be eating. Sadly I am teaching myself I am not worth the effort to make good food. A goal I have as I move on from this place, is to bring back the art of dining, even if it is only dining for one.