Tag: depression

Posted in Faith

Finding Joy Again

Posted on by Dede

Graduation

When I found myself divorced, I became very depressed. I honestly believed God had forgotten me and that I’d never find joy in my life again. I was unemployed for 4.5 years. I was living off of a rapidly dwindling 401k. And while countless people offered advice on finding a job, no matter what type of job I applied for, I wouldn’t get any response. And trust me I tried the most basic, hourly wage jobs to things for which I’d be better suited. Nothing.

I decided I needed to move closer to my eldest daughter because she lived in a very affordable city. Depression came with me and so did the tears. I really didn’t see a way out of my situation beyond moving in with my daughter or mother. And then a miracle happened.

My daughter was working as a nanny, part-time and her employers needed someone for the two extra days. I jumped at the chance because the small amount of money, would help me stay afloat. I had no idea I was about to fall in love.

From day one of caring for APL, my depression began to lift. It wasn’t so heavy. There was sunshine instead of dark clouds. Several months after starting, my daughter left to have my first grandson and chose not to return to work. So now I was the full-time care provider for this sweet boy.

I tell him God knew I needed him and sent me to this town so I could take care of him. He was 16 months old when I began and soon will be 6 and heading to first grade. Just like with my own kids, the time has flown.

While from time to time, my depression returns, it leaves quickly and is never as severe. Two more children have been added to my employer’s family and with it more joy.

I should have trusted God. He knew what he was doing the entire time.

Posted in life

Loss and Moving on

Posted on by Dede

There are all types of loss. Some, like the loss of child, stay with you forever. You may get through it but your never get over it. And knowing people who have been through that nightmare, I’m embarrassed to talk about my loss. Which by comparison is small, unimportant. But I’ve learned in counseling that comparing does no one any good. Now we all know how important it is not to compare our lives with others, but I think most of us think of it terms of good things. As in their life is going better than mine, their house is bigger, she is prettier etc. But we can deny ourselves the opportunity to work through our own loss, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others.

That was me. My friend had lost her daughter in a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. I had been through a heart breaking and life altering divorce. I told myself my loss was unimportant and I should be thankful for my life.

The thing is I beat myself up every time I felt depressed because of my situation because I told myself I didn’t have the right to be sad and heartbroken. I mean no one died. I spent the next few years buried in a deep depression which came close to costing me my own life. God must have been with me that fateful day because I am still here.

I still feel my loss everyday. Not all day, but a day doesn’t go by that I don’t feel twinge of what if. Most days it lasts for a split second but every now and then it’ll come and stay with me for the entire day. I do my best.

The one loss I haven’t been able to work through is my loss of interest in life in general. I used to have so many things I was interested in. I liked to sew, read, write, learn French, entertain, take photos and learn new things. Now I come home after work and sit on my sofa until bedtime. Then I repeat it the next day. On the weekend, I do the same but I manage church and a quick stop for a few groceries.

I’m worried if I can’t shake this apathy, my severe depression will return. Is there a prayer because I’ve been praying for years and little has changed.

Posted in depression, divorce, life

Triggers

Posted on by Dede

When a person is in a battle with depression, most will find they have triggers. Post divorce, my depression was so serious, I spent weeks and months as a recluse. It has been a lot of hard work climbing out of that dark pit, but I see light now and don’t want to wander into the darkness again.

Working with a therapist was the best decision I made but it took going through several before I found the right one for me. He helped me learn to recognize my triggers. This has enabled me to be ready for what I used to think was depression from out of the blue.

For me:

Trigger #1: A change in seasons. It’s a reminder of the things my ex and I used to do at specific times of the year. Like now spring is coming and I’m feeling the tug to buy lots of flowers for the yard. Only trouble is I don’t really have any place to plant anything.

Trigger #2: Certain music. Typically if the words remind me my ex put no effort into saving our marriage, I’ll feel down for a day or two.

Whatever it takes by Lifehouse

Trigger #3: Certain scents. I’ve read that scent is the strongest evoker of memories. It never fails when I smell burning leaves I break down. Why? That is a scent I associate with the early days of my marriage.

Of course there are a few more triggers, but before I allow my emotions to take control of me, I have some quiet time and reflect. Asking myself questions to determine why I feel myself falling backwards.

It takes time. And I’ve learned growing old is a privilege not everyone gets. I don’t want to waste anymore days in the darkness.

Posted in depression

Unsure

Posted on by Dede

I haven’t been posting because as my anger and bitterness has lessened (most of the time), I find I’m not sure what to write.  I’ve used writing for so long to express my darkest feelings, now that I don’t feel so dark on the inside, it seems I don’t have much to say.

That alone bothers me. Who only has negative things to say and nothing positive or upbeat? Who goes through each day neither sad nor happy? Who has flat emotions? 

I’ve asked my doctor to wean off my anti-depressant because I think after being on it for four years, it has dulled my emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sad, but neither do I feel happy or joy. Even the birth of my first grandson feels flat and not as exciting or emotionally moving as I expected.

Does anyone else struggle with having no emotions?

Posted in depression, poetry, Uncategorized

Trapped

Posted on by Dede


Locked

In a place I don’t belong

Trapped

In a life I don’t want

Running

In an endless circle

Knowing

There is no way out

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, fear, help, questions

Barrier

Posted on by Dede

Barrier

An impediment to moving forward. Why do I feel it’s not possible to be happy and relaxed? Is it because I believe I don’t deserve to be happy? Am I not worthy of happiness? Is it I don’t know what happiness is so I don’t recognize it? I know I’ve felt and experienced happiness before but now, for the past several years beginning in 2009, my ability to be happy has eluded me.

I see other people. I can feel their joy. I can sense their satisfaction with life. They are relaxed and have fun. I feel wound up so tightly that it’s impossible to move for fear I’ll break or snap. 

Is there a secret? A secret to letting go of the worry, always worried what people think of me? A secret to just enjoy the moment? I know I’ve missed so much since 2009. Time we can never reclaim. I don’t want to waste anymore moments which could possible hold joy and happiness.

Posted in depression, Faith, Health, Uncategorized

Reflection

Posted on by Dede

Have you ever caught a glimpse of a reflection in a mirror and wonder who it was only to realize you were looking at yourself? That happened to me today. I didn’t like what I saw. How had I completely stopped taking care of myself? There was no evidence of joy. I looked unhealthy and sad. I have allowed almost four years of my life to be wasted. Wasted in depression and sorrow over a toxic relationship.

I think it’s taken all of this time to shake free of the torment and hold my ex had over me. He had trained me never to trust my own decisions and choices. He convinced me no one would ever want me and I’d never get a job. And guess what? I let those lies determine how I spent my time, but no more.

Depression is an ongoing battle which I don’t think is ever cured. It’s more like a disease in remission or an ugly monster which is locked away but manages to rear its ugly head every now and then. So I do anticipate having to continue this battle but I know I will ultimately win the war and find joy and contentment.

Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

Click my heels 3 times

Posted on by Dede

I’m feeling like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. this has been an interesting place to be but I’m tired and want to go home. The difference between me and Dorothy is I can not go home. Home, as I knew it, no longer exists. I know home is where your heart is, but my heart has yet to fully recover.

I feel sometimes like this is a bad dream and tomorrow I will wake up and life will be back to normal. Of course I realize my normal wasn’t healthy. It was destructive. He was cruel and incapable of empathy and compassion. So why do I find sometimes I still long for the security of my marriage even though I wasn’t happy?

I’ve had to accept he is a narcissist and absolutely incapable of understanding how his selfish actions have hurt not just me but our daughters. I have to accept he will never change because he doesn’t have the ability to change. He will forever be a soulless man.

I continue to pray and ask that I know His will. It’s not easy to know. I pray God leads my girls down the paths He has chosen for them. I  pray I don’t fall apart again. I don’t think my girls are strong enough to handle it. All I can do is one minute, one hour, on day at a time.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

Posted on by Dede

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

He is near

Posted on by Dede


I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.

Posted in depression, divorce, God, Uncategorized

A Black Hole

Posted on by Dede


A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.

I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness. 

Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Uncategorized

Fatigue 

Posted on by Dede

When most of us think of fatigue we think in terms of body fatigue. We’ve worked hard or exercised or chased after children or played a game of basketball, any number of things can make us feel tired.

But what about soul fatigue. What about a weariness that seems so deep into your heart and soul you can’t find a way out? How long does it take to become that weary? Like everything in life it’s different for everyone. For me it’s now. It’s three years and four months post divorce. It’s 17 years post the police calling the house looking for my ex because he had need positively identified as a peeping tom. It’s 15 years post learning my ex was viewing rape porn. It’s 10 years post being ignored and treated rudely in my own home by my ex father in law while my drunk ex let it happen. It’s 7 years post confession of ex admitting he uses prostitites. And of course since the beginning of my marriage in 1982 there was the use of pornography and strip clubs purchasing nude lap dances.

No wonder I’m depressed and hopeless. What kind of person would allow someone to treat her that way? I had faith God would heal him. I had faith God would heal our marriage. I had faith God wouldn’t desert me post divorce. I had faith God would lead me to a job. I had faith God would lead me to new friends. I had faith God would lead me to a new life. And most of all I had faith God would see to it that my ex husband suffered for all the pain he caused.

Well My faith proved to be useless. God has blessed my ex over and over. For me? Nothing. He’s turned his back on me. Guess I deserve it because I accepted the fact I was worthless.

Posted in choices, depression, Experience, friendship, Uncategorized

Depression kills

Posted on by Dede

I read this article about an obituary making the rounds on Facebook. I am not on Facebook because like depression it lies. While Facebook portrays an unrealistic life standard which we want to obtain, depression lies because it blinds us to the truth. Depression tells me I am not lovable. I am not worthy. It says no one wants me. It says I have nothing to offer. Intellectually I understand, emotionally I am still blind. Read the link and educate yourself. The life you save may be someone you love.

Depression Kills by Regina Brett

Posted in depression, Uncategorized

Make a difference

Posted on by Dede

  

Do you make the assumption everyone has friends? Do you think their lives are busy and full? Do you ever take the time to speak to someone new? Do you choose to stay in your comfort zone and not reach out?

Did you know that every 12.3 seconds there is one death in the US by suicide? The truth about suicide How many more try and fail? How many times will someone try before she succeeds? Will any care he is gone? 

Anyone that has contemplated or tried suicide isn’t thinking clearly. You think you are. In your warped mind it all makes sense. The tragedy is that it is never the right or best choice. 

For so many of us who battle depression, isolation and loneliness the simple act of reaching out can mean the difference between the will to go on and the desire to end it all.

Smile more. Say hi more. Call your friends. Check in with people whom you haven’t heard from lately. Let them know you care. Make a difference.

Posted in books, God, Uncategorized, Writing

A Meetup Group

Posted on by Dede

Yesterday I went to a meetup group for writers struggling with a blank page. Most everyone there, except for me had written one or more novels. I can’t seem to get past the first page of two. It was suggested to not overthink anything. I should just let the words flow into the page.

I am hyper critical of myself believing everything I do is unworthy. And my current state of mine doesn’t help. Just to get out of bed is a challenge. My mail goes uncollected for a week. The state of my apartment is shameful but I don’t care. I’ve been unable to see any possibility of love and happiness in my future.

Writing does allow me to spread how I am feeling. However I have yet found a way to put a story to paper.

Posted in book review, characters, Uncategorized

Are we born with it?

Posted on by Dede

    I love the Poldark Series by Winston Graham. My favorite character is Demelza and this is why I am so captivated by her.

 A quote from Demelza by Winston Graham. “He sighed and put her hand against his cheek. It was not a disconsolate sigh, for her returning life was a tonic to his soul. Whatever she suffered, whatever loss came to her, she would throw it off, for it was not in her nature to go under…..But chiefly it was because some element had put in her nature to be happy. She was born so and could not change.”Are we born with a certain personality? We all know people who always seem to be happy regardless of their circumstances and there are people who are always depressed and sad. Do we come into this world one way or the other with no hopes of changing? Clearly Ross believes Demelza was born with a happy disposition and could not change. He believes he has her opposite disposition with a perpetually pessimistic outlook.
I’ve read so many books about this very topic. You can find a book to support both positions but now many experts agree that our outlook on life is a combination of our inborn personality and life experiences. I can attest to this. My sister and I are two years apart but on the opposite ends of optimism and pessimism. Wish I could say I was the lucky one with the natural sunny outlook but I’m not. I have to work everyday to have a positive outlook and believe the best is ahead of me.

Reading Ross and Demelza’s story resonates with me. It reminds me they we do have a choice on how we perceive our life and a choice to how we react and proceed forward when things don’t go our way. This is why I titled my blog Living Like Demelza. I want to work towards living with Demelza’s spirit and attitude in my own life.

Posted in communication, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, fear, forgiveness, God, Health, help, love, marriage, men, mistakes, New life, Uncategorized, WordPress

Addiction Intervention 

Posted on by Dede

 

I watched A&E’s tv show Intervention. It focuses on drug addicts that agree to do a documentary but in the end there is an intervention. Two things stood out to me while watching the show:
1st: I missed multiple opportunities to insist on intervention with my ex-husband and his addictions. Had I been honest with myself and my friends from the first time the police called, there might have been a chance to save him and save our marriage. But instead just like some of the family members on the tv show, I chose to ignore the seriousness of his addictions and how destructive they were and still are.

2nd: I saw too many silimaritirs between drug addiction and the way it destroys families and my depression. I don’t drink or use drugs but I’ve allowed my depression to become an addiction. I’ve taken steps to get help and I’m slowly getting better. But seeing first hand how heartbroken the families are watching their loved ones suffer and how much suffering it causes them made me realize I have to fight harder. 

I have to fight every second of every day to forgive myself for allowing my ex-husband to mentally and emotionally abuse me. I have to fight to forgive myself for not leaving. I have to forgive myself for disappointing my daughters. 

I have wonderful girls. They make me proud and happy everyday. They along with my son-in-law have stood by me. They have been strong and stood up to their father and refused to accept his behavior and his failure to admit his addictions and how he has hurt our family. They’ve also been strong and stood up to me and told me they know I can do better, be better and be happier.

All I can do is face the reality of my situation and fight my way back. I never deserved to be treated the way I was. I never deserved to be disrespected, ignored or cheated on. I deserve so much more.

Posted in Blogging, choices, communication, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, fear, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, Writing 201

Words for me

Posted on by Dede

You never know when you read someone’s blog how it will you. The past few years of my life have been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. My desperation drove me to the brink of death. My therapist has been telling me God has led me to this loin and this place to heal, to heal my heart and build a new life. Below is a repost of my old Pastor’s Blog. His words are wise and so true.

Are You Ready for God to Change Your Plans? Luke 1:28–29 (ESV) And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.         Are you ready for God to change your plans?

Posted in choices, daily prompt, depression, divorce, Experience, Health, help, love, mistakes, Uncategorized, women, WordPress

Mining my own material 

Posted on by Dede

To be honest I couldn’t find anything I felt worthy of readdressing. My mood is dark as is my future. I no longer think clearly or have the ability to read a book or watch a simple television show without seeing and thinking of all that was taken from me and what I will never experience again. And to aggravate me and wear my patience my cat will not stop crying. He meows over and over, louder and louder. Do you think he speaking for me? Crying the tears when I’m too lost to cry for myself?

  

Posted in depression, poetry

Never to Come Back

Posted on by Dede

To walk to the edge

Of the darkness

To lean

To peer

To try and see what lies beyond

Taking one step

One step over

Flying free

Released from hurt

Free falling 

Falling free

Never to come back