I read this article about an obituary making the rounds on Facebook. I am not on Facebook because like depression it lies. While Facebook portrays an unrealistic life standard which we want to obtain, depression lies because it blinds us to the truth. Depression tells me I am not lovable. I am not worthy. It says no one wants me. It says I have nothing to offer. Intellectually I understand, emotionally I am still blind. Read the link and educate yourself. The life you save may be someone you love.
Month: March 2016
Desperately Seeking
I know for anyone who reads my blog this is a redundant post. However as the days go by I am left with fewer and fewer choices. Supposedly we live in a society that values contribution unless it is that of a mother and wife. After over 25 years of running a household, volunteering in my community and helping my friends and neighbors, I am turned away time and time again for employment.
Every day I receive another rejection in my inbox. Never do they state why I am being passed over. Is there no one willing to take a chance on me? My ex-husband has left me without the financial means to care for myself without a job. I had enough for these three years. I never anticipated being unable to find a job. I don’t need to make a lot of money. My ex-husband makes $300,000 a year now. In the past three years his income has almost doubled. Funny how that happened post divorce. I only need to make $40,000 a year. That is just 6 weeks equivalent to my ex-husband’s income.
I have given up any feeling that I am not having the life I deserve or the life I earned and worked for. I should be traveling, anticipating grand-kids, volunteering in my community and pursuing my interests after all those years of caring for Doug and our daughters, but that is not my life. My life is now one of loneliness, struggle and fear. My prayers have gone unanswered. God isn’t giving me any guidance of what my next step should be. I keep listening but I hear nothing, not even the slightest hint.
I am at a complete loss as what I should do. It is a sad statement on our society that women like me are so easily discarded.
Make a difference
Do you make the assumption everyone has friends? Do you think their lives are busy and full? Do you ever take the time to speak to someone new? Do you choose to stay in your comfort zone and not reach out?
Did you know that every 12.3 seconds there is one death in the US by suicide? The truth about suicide How many more try and fail? How many times will someone try before she succeeds? Will any care he is gone?
Anyone that has contemplated or tried suicide isn’t thinking clearly. You think you are. In your warped mind it all makes sense. The tragedy is that it is never the right or best choice.
For so many of us who battle depression, isolation and loneliness the simple act of reaching out can mean the difference between the will to go on and the desire to end it all.
Smile more. Say hi more. Call your friends. Check in with people whom you haven’t heard from lately. Let them know you care. Make a difference.
Encouragement
Today I received encouragement from a group of strangers. At a coffee shop in Austin a group of would be writers were encouraged by already published writers. Competition is at the forefront of everything so many of us do. And here I had the kindness of others bestowed upon me for nothing. It was free. And it was refreshing.
Now the challenge is to silence the inner critic and write. No need to ask would someone actually read a story I wrote. Just write the story. Get it down on paper. Fine tune it when I’m finished but as Nike says, Just do it.
Soul Fatigue
My soul is tired. My mind is tired. I cling to hope but as the days go by my grasp is slipping. Whether I like it or not, I cannot make it without a job. I do not want to live in my car. I don’t want to move into the tiny, tiny, overcrowded room in my mother’s house. I’m willing to downsize more. I’ve gone from 4200 sq feet to 1000 sq feet but even a small apartment costs money.
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve applied for every type of job you can imagine. I’ve had no success. Even though I pray and hold on to the hope that God will provide me with a job or a sense of what I should do, but so far I am still completely in the dark. I start thinking I should have sucked it up and stayed married to an emotionally abusive man and then I realize I wouldn’t have survived. But the lure of financial security is strong.
I was scared but now I’m just too weary to even be frightened.
Discrimation in our face
All charts are fromVulture
Men continue to keep women in their place by casting super young actresses opposite old men. I’m not talking a couple years difference. I’m talking about men old enough to be their father and grandfather. The link is to an article by Vulture. They are an online news media outlet that reports of what’s happening around the world especially in entertainment.
Every time we watch images with such an age discrepancy, we are being sent a subliminal message that only young women have value and are lovable. We may not be consciously thinking about it at the time, but when we see it over and over in the movies, on TV and in the lives of public personalities there is no way it doesn’t affect us.
Discrimination is something we as Americans are supposed to fight against yet we allow the movie industry to continue to plant untruths in our minds. We do nothing about it. The actresses of Hollywood do nothing about it. What would happen if actresses agreed not to have more than 5 years or even a maximum of 10 years age difference between them and their leading men? There would be lots of movies that would not get made or casting agents would find someone age appropriate.
Is this the message we want to send out daughters? That they only have value when they are young? Thankfully there is one man who stands above the rest with integrity.
Watching my life on TV
Ok let me clarify. The TV show Younger is the pretext of 40 year old divorcee pretending to be 26 because se can’t get hired after she stayed home to raise her daughter. She wants health benefits and an income. That is where the similarities stop.
I am 56 and couldn’t pass for 42 (same age difference in the show). And I don’t have super young and super hot boyfriend. But I did stay home to raise my daughters. I am divorced. I don’t have health insurance and I can’t find a job.
In the season finale she leaves her good job as a 26 year old and takes a job in a department store. Her only comments are she was able to turn off her brain and she will have health insurance. Of course her incredibly hot age appropriate boss hunts her down lays a kiss on her.
So as much as I have in common with Liza (the character), I am unfortunately living out the realty rather than the television fiction.
What Abusers Hope We Never Learn About Trauma Bonding
By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]
Learning again
I started another informal class at the University of Texas tonight. It’s a French class and for beginners. I’ve taken French off and on for years but I’ve never been able to get beyond beginner.
I asked myself why and the answer is simple. It’s fear. Fear of sounding dumb. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of being tongue tied and making people frustrated. Fear. It’s why kids learn languages so quickly. They aren’t afraid of trying. They don’t worry about what other people think.
The class is too easy in some ways but when I try a group where people are fluent, I can’t keep up. So I have to find a way to learn and progress. I also have to walk a fine line and not be overbearing in this class. It’s easy to want to answer the questions because you know the answer. But I know how it feels to be totally lost in translation with people speaking at what sounds like lightening speed.
So as I give it a shot again, I hope it sticks and I don’t forget it and I hope I no longer worry about sounding stupid.
The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists
There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us. Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them. A – Amoral. Narcissists are […]
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/the-a-zs-of-everyday-malignant-narcissists/
Where is the path?
How do I know where to head when you can’t see the path? Faith requires to believe in what you can’t see. Do I not have enough faith because I want to see a glimpse of the path? To know that there is a path? If I believe God has plans for me, why am I so afraid of tomorrow, the next week, the rest of my life?
I keep thinking God won’t leave me without a way to support myself but in three years there has been no job offer. I wonder if God is giving me the time to write the book I always said I wanted to write? If that’s the case why can’t get focused and get beyond a few pages? Is planning a road trip if I don’t get a job offer just a way of pretending that I must give up and admit I’ve failed miserably at life?
I keep praying and asking God to give me a clear vision of the path he has planned for me. But I am still lost, lost in a deep fog that won’t lift. A job or no job determines what happens to my life next. I have just four short weeks and then it’s over. I must give my notice at my apartment and begin the ugly job of packing up my life and figuring out where to store it.
If God is listening or if God listens to you because it certainly feels like he is not listening to me, please pray that whatever happens I will have peace about it.
Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Goodness and Mercy Every Day
Psalm 23:6a“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”She has been looking for a new job. Right now she drives over an hour to work in traffic. She wants to work closer to home. She wants more time with her family. She wants to get more involved in the church. …
http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/03/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd-goodness.html
Stepping outside the comfort zone
I have taken photography lessons but never really have just gone out and taken photos. Thanks to Lady Bird Johnson , Texas is abloom with native wildflowers. Fields of flowers are protected from mowing. They can’t be mowed down until they’ve turned t seed. This insures the flowers return next year.
As I drive I see a sea of bluebonnets interspersed with buttercups. I can’t see these flowers and not think of my grandmother. I moved to Dallas in April 1985 and the weather had been perfect to produce a spectacular show of color. I remember her telling me the common names of all the flowers. It’s a poignant memory because she is no longer with us and the life I was starting in Dallas all those years ago was destroyed over time by choices of my ex.
Now I’m in Austin. A young and vibrant city where they love music, the environment, good food and life. I’m having to search for my youthful spirit because it was lost due to abuse and time. Can I turn back the internal clock and feel and be young again.
Spring is in the air
Living in Austin, Texas we don’t have four seasons unless you consider a week or two of 50 degree weather winter. What we do have are three very short seasons and one very long one. So I’m doing my best to enjoy the quickly passing spring. Because today my friend it is expected to be 90 degrees Fahrenheit or 32.2 Celcius. Either way that is much too warm on the 14th day of March.
I remember how invigorating and inspiring spring was when I lived up north. After being shut away for 2-4 months, buried under snow, fighting the sub zero weather while waiting outside for the bus, enjoying the snow on the good days, it was a ray of sunshine when the first robin was spotted. It heralded a celebration. We knew flowers would be peeking their heads above ground and trees would be soon dressed in their most colorful spring best. It gave me a much needed burst of energy.
When almost everyday ranges from 60-80 F🌞 (15.5 to 26.6 c) spring just seems like any other day. Rather than spring having a sense of renewal, it signals the countdown to 🌪⛈ and the oppressive and miserable 🔥 heat. We know there will be many nights 🌑 where the thermometer doesn’t go below 80F. (26.6c) Where a simple five minute walk means you need a shower and carefully coiffed hair is either now flat or if curly has exploded to triple its size.
You don’t see people out between 10am and 8pm. Everyone stays inside unless they are fortunate to have a pool 🏊🏼 and even then you must watch the UV index so you don’t fry your skin.
People who live with oppressive winters ☃ think southerners are wimps. Southerners think northerners exaggerate. As someone who has lived in both extremes (went to school at -36f or -37c 🌨and went to high school when it was 105f or 41c 💥 and it was too hot to touch my outdoor locker, I can assure you anyplace where one extreme dominates it’s not any fun.
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear
How I wish I could be one of the many characters I find in books. I’d love to be Demelza Poldark from the Winston Graham Poldark series. I’d like to be a female version of Inspector Armand Gamache by Louise Penny. It would be fabulous to be any of the female characters in Dorothea Benton Frank’s books chronicling the lives of the women of Charleston, South Carolina. And now I’d love to be Maisie Dobbs, investigator and psychologist.
Maisie has a rags to riches story. Having to enter a life of service after her mother dies because her devoted father struggles to support them as a costermonger. Now I had to look that word up. It is someone who sells fruits and vegetables from a cart. Living in Pre-WWI London, life isn’t easy but Maisie has an insatiable curiosity. Her deepest love is to learn and in order to do so, she rises at 3 am to spend two hours in the great house’s library. Secretly of course because as a servant she wouldn’t be allowed to use the books.
Through a course of events Maisie is swept into a life as the protégé of the mysterious Dr. Maurice Blanche and Lady Rowan Compton becomes her sponsor. She goes from servant girl to student at Girton College part of Cambridge. But her plans are interrupted with the start of WW I. Maisie feels called to serve as a nurse even though she has no training. Lying about her age so she can serve, Maisie begins the first of a long line of life changing experiences.
Why do I wish I could be Maisie? Because Maisie has been taught to sit, legs folded and find her center. Using this technique she calms her inner self and can see more clearly. She has the ability to listen and listen well, respecting the speaker. She understands the body says as much or more than simple words. And she knows her body language and expressions speaks volumes. Never seeing herself as having the incredible and outstanding qualities others see in her, Maisie struggles to find her place. She is no longer a member of the service class but neither is she a member of the upper social class. I feel like Maisie. I don’t know where I belong. I was a wife and mother and now I am no longer a wife and my children have grown so being a mother isn’t the same. My economic status has changed from one of comfort to one of struggle. Is there a place in this world for me, like there is a place in the world for Maisie?
A Meetup Group
Yesterday I went to a meetup group for writers struggling with a blank page. Most everyone there, except for me had written one or more novels. I can’t seem to get past the first page of two. It was suggested to not overthink anything. I should just let the words flow into the page.
I am hyper critical of myself believing everything I do is unworthy. And my current state of mine doesn’t help. Just to get out of bed is a challenge. My mail goes uncollected for a week. The state of my apartment is shameful but I don’t care. I’ve been unable to see any possibility of love and happiness in my future.
Writing does allow me to spread how I am feeling. However I have yet found a way to put a story to paper.
Three words
If you had to give three words to describe you, what would they be?
Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Deliverance from Evil
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4Why would a shepherd lead his sheep through “the valley of the shadow of death?” The answer is quite simple. He is taking his flock…
http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/03/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd.html
It’s over
I’m throwing in the towel. God has sent me a very clear message and it’s time I give up. My husband dumped me after I forgave him time and time again for betraying me and our vows. He has gone on to a younger girlfriend although she looks like the wicked witch of the west. He bought her a house nicer than anything he ever bought me and he spend more time with her brats than he ever spent with his own daughters. In fact he has completely disowned them and so have his parents? Why you ask? Because they refuse to interact with a man who is an alcoholic and sexual deviant.
I’ve sought employment for three years and every time the door slams in my face. I received two more rejections yesterday. I’m done. I want nothing more to do with anything and anyone. My girls while they struggle financially have strong self esteem and deep faith in God. Clearly a God who has chosen to abandon me. That’s fine. I accept it. I’m not going to fight it anymore.
Road Trip?
Since I haven’t been able to find employment, I’ve been considering a possible road trip. Financially I can make it happen since I will no longer have rent and the costs associated with renting. My mother has agreed to keep my cat. The question is do I go? Do I spend July, August and part of Septembern exploring? There are places I’d love to see. I have friends throughout the country so hotel costs would be kept at a minimum. I could write about my experiences.
Or is a road trip just putting off the envitable? I know I must work but facing more rejections seems overwhelming. To get one more email with thanks but we found someone better suited is more than I can handle right now. Three long years of drought. Am I that undesirable as an employee? Is it my age? A combination of age and the fact I was a stay at home mom? I need the tide to turn. I need something good to happen in my life.
I’ve finally reached a point where I’m not drowning in depression. I’m ready to face life as a middle aged divorcée. I might not like it but I can do it. I worry that the dark demon will resurface if something doesn’t go my way soon.
So maybe I will take a road trip and discover things I’ve yet to learn.
My life on an unexpected path 