Category: fear

Posted in Blogging, choices, daily prompt, depression, divorce, Experience, fear, friends, friendship, God, help, mistakes, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing, writing101

Day 15

Posted on by Dede

  “We read to know we’re not alone.” -William Nicholson, Shadowlands

I read everyday. It’s not unusual for me to read one book in two days. I read because I am alone. I am always alone. Except for the group I meet with three times a week, I see no one and I talk to no one.

Isolation is not a good thing but it is an addictive thing. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. One day turns to two and two turns into three and before you know it a week, a month goes by.

I never intended to be in this place of loneliness. This deep, dark well of drowning sadness. Someone born without a soul stole mine. And I won’t steal someone’s soul because I no longer have one. That is cruel and evil.

Everyday gets more difficult. Everyday is longer than the last. Everyday I think it will be my last.

Posted in fear, Uncategorized

Paris

Posted on by Dede

Paris-War-Then-Now
 How we wish people would change. Surely over the centuries mankind has learned valuable lessons so we would not be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Evidently not. Demelza Poldark, a character in the Winston Graham Poldark Series, was faced with war and attack in Paris. The story might be fictional but it is placed amongst real history.

Paris was living and experiencing freedom when Demelza arrived in the early 19th century. France had been opressed by the Monarchists, abused by Napolean’s war machine obsessed with total Domination and Paris was caught in the crossfire of beliefs. Sadly this wasn’t the first time Paris would find itself at the center of men’s thirst for power. War would and will find Paris again.

Demelza does the best she can under the circumstances. She must leave to stay safe but her heart broke to leave Ross behind. 

Sadly in the 21st century Paris finds itself at the center of a war again. Islamic terrorists chose the city of light for brutal attacks against innocent people. Cowardice kills the innocent and unarmed. There nothing courageous about planning and executing people while you hide behind masks and believe you will spend eternity in paradise.

As Americans we cannot ignore our own war for independence in the late 1700s was supported by France which enabled us to win the revolution. Then they went on to fight their own long battle for Égalité,Fraternité and Liberté.  Courage, real courage is found in the people who continue to live their lives, standing firm against this cowardice. Courage is being brave enough to open your doors to the oppressed, the hungry, the poor, the persecuted. Demelza always courageous, reaching out to help those in need and we must continue to reach out and be courageous in face of this terrorism. 

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, communication, daily prompt, Dreaming, Faith, fear, forgiveness, friends, God, Hiding, love, Moving, New life, people, questions, Uncategorized, Writing, writing101

A story in an Image Challenge #3

Posted on by Dede

  
In the midst of the crowd

Are lives being lived

Hearts being broken

Dreams being realized 

Goodbyes being whispered

Hellos being shouted

Business being conducted 

Weariness being all encompassing

Love being healing

Seconds being stolen

Minutes being horded

Hours being occupied

Days being treasured

Time to embrace life being lost to the 

busyness of the day.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, God, help, marriage, Moving, New life, Uncategorized, Writing, writing101

Season of Waiting

Posted on by Dede

I have been unemployed officially for almost three years. For the 30 years prior to this I was “employed” as a wife and then subsequently as a mother. When my husband divorced me it never occurred to me I would not be able to find a job.

It has been a HUGE stressor in my life. I spend many hours several times a week submitting applications. When I’m finished I am exhausted. Then when the rejection letters inevitably arrive, it throws me into a deep depression and serious anxiety attack.

My faith says God has a reason to keep me in this season of waiting. I don’t know why and clearly he doesn’t want me to know yet. It is taking its toll on me though and I don’t have much longer of a financial cushion. 

So I wait. I watch. I try. I pray. I listen. And I begin again.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, book, books, choices, depression, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, fear, forgiveness, Goal, God, Health, help, love, marriage, mistakes, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized, values

Giant weeds Grow

Posted on by Dede

  “The garden was nothing to her anymore. Let it run to waste and let the giant weeds grow. It would match the desolation of her soul” Demelza from Warleggans by Winston Graham

I feel just like Demelza describes in this passage. It feels as though my life and soul are being choked out by weeds. Where beauty and happiness resided now you’ll find a wasteland of weeds. I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. Yes, my ex did horrible things. He did things that no man should ever do and no woman should ever accept. But since the end of my marriage, I let the seeds of misery grow in my heart and it has become a garden overgrown with weeds. 

Just like weeding a real garden, it is difficult work and it’s always horrible to face the prospect of all the work. Changing my life is not less daunting. It is hard work and there are no guarantees the time and energy will make any difference. At times it is overwhelming. There are days I think I see the bloom of a flower but as quickly as it comes, it’s gone.

I just have to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Just like pulling weeds from the garden, you do it one at a time and make sure you gets the roots or the weed will just come back. I’m making sure I get the roots this time.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, choices, costumes, daughters, depression, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, family, fashion, fear, friends, friendship, Fun, Goal, God, help, Hiding, love, New life, Uncategorized, women, Writing, writing lessons, writing101

And Sew it Begins

Posted on by Dede

 

As I have said in my earlier posts, I’ve become a recluse. I have begun to worry if I am developing agoraphobia (the fear of public places). It’s so easy to stay in my apartment and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I have made the first step towards to shutting the door or should I say opening the door to prevent that from happening.

I have signed up for three weeks of sewing classes at Stitch Labs in Austin. I have been sewing for more than 40 years, but didn’t want to take a class that would be so frustrating I would end up feeling like a failure. So I selected a beginner II class. We will make a pillow with piping and a zipper the first week. The following two weeks we will make a book style bag. I hope to brush up my skills and then possibly take a more advance class.

One of my most cherished memories are the dresses I made for my daughters and all the Halloweens I made costumes for them and then later on for my neighbors’ children. The photos bring back such happy memories. With this class, I hope to take the first step towards making happy memories again.

Posted in Faith, fear, God

Fear and Faith

Posted on by Dede

Can fear and faith co-exist? I keep reading that if I have true faith then I won’t be afraid. Does my fear mean I don’t have faith? I pray. I meditate on God’s word. I listen for His voice and hear nothing. A new town means a new church and I feel lost trying to find the place I am supposed to be.

I read about how God provides. There are many amazing stories of ways God provides for those in need. But we also know that there are millions who still go hungry, have no home, no job, and can’t see anyway up and out of the fear regardless of their faith.

I know God never promised an easy life. He just promised to always be with me. I am currently in the midst of a trial and it has been going on for several years. I am still unemployed, alone, friendless. What I have won’t last much longer. I am afraid. I admit it. I keep praying for more faith to chase away my fear but my fear remains. I see God working in other people’s lives and then wonder will He remember me or are my problems too trivial?

My fear and faith are co-existing right now and battling it out. I want my faith to win. I want to truly believe God hasn’t forgotten me and my fears and my needs.