Category: love

Posted in Dreaming, Experience, Faith, friends, friendship, God, life, love, seasons, Uncategorized

Surprise blessing

Posted on by Dede
Luxury Gift Basket

Recently, I went to a preschool Christmas concert and their parents’s group was having a raffle to raise money. I could get five tickets for $20 and it was for a good cause. I never expected to win anything. Someone right after me bought 60 tickets so I figured my five wouldn’t win. There were 3 incredible raffle choices.

Imagine my surprise when I got a phone call Wednesday morning informing me, I had won the luxury basket worth over $1000. So many wonderful items like a Lola blanket, a skylight calendar, a hatch restore, a diffuser, a spa gift certificate, a car detailing gift certificate and more.

I’ll be honest I had to look up what a skylight calendar and a hatch restore was because I didn’t know.

What surprised me the most is how many people told me they were so glad I won. They thought I really deserved it. I was overwhelmed by their generous and kind thoughts.

I haven’t really been pampered in a very long time. Oh there is the random pedicure and even more random manicure but massages, face treatments, getting my car detailed, I just can’t afford to do those things anymore. So to be showered with so many wonderful luxurious items is an unexpected blessing.

It’s a wonderful way to end the year 2025 and a really great way to begin 2026.

Posted in love

Links of Love 

Posted on by Dede

I used to take care of myself. I made certain I looked my best most days. I exercised. I watched what I ate. Unlike many women who lose their appetite post divorce, I couldn’t seem to eat enough. I stopped exercising and had a steady diet of junk food. I always took care of myself to please my ex-husband. I worried he’d leave me if I didn’t live up to his expectations. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it didn’t matter. I was looking better than I had in ten years and he left. And with it, my desire for self care walked out too.

Now 4.5 years later, I’m ready to take care of myself but finding the strength to take the first few steps seems overwhelming. 30 pounds needs to go for health reasons. I know exercise is an antidepressant and will help keep the demons away. I also know how I feel about myself is directly related to how connected each link in my circle is. Each thing needs to be connected to the other. 

Link One: Me time-it’s okay to make an effort to look attractive. It says I love myself.

Link Two: Exercise makes me feel strong and when I feel strong, my confidence grows.

Link Three: When I feel healthy, I look better and feel better. 

Link Four: Creative time- whether I’m writing or sewing or reading, I find it nourishes my soul. And when my soul is being fed, I feel happier.

Link Five: Don’t isolate myself. It’s been easy to do but being with people is key to me feeling better.

Now all I have to do is find the willpower to take those first few steps to begin rebuilding my links of strength.

Posted in life, love, Uncategorized

Imperfections 

Posted on by Dede


When you buy a diamond, the jeweler examines it for flaws. The fewer flaws it has, the higher the price. It has a greater value. I think our society has fallen into this trap except we apply the microscope to people. If they have the smallest flaw, they are dismissed. We all know the power of photoshop. I fall into this trap and don’t want to post any photo of myself unless I remove the eye wrinkles and whiten my teeth. Heaven forbid if I had some real rather than perceived flaw. If we are are privileged enough to live to old age, we will have wrinkles, scars, skin folds etc. Only those who die young, die without evidence of living. 

I love the Winston Graham novels about Ross Poldark. And in book four The Black Moon, his wife is embarrassed about her scarred knees. In the modern world the husband would be giving her the name of a good plastic surgeon so she could ‘fix’ the scars. But Ross says one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read, “Blemishes on the beauty of a person one loves are like grace notes adding something to a piece of music.” 

I can add nothing more profound or loving to that statement.

Posted in Faith, love, Uncategorized

I’m in Love

Posted on by Dede

Yes it’s true. I’ve fallen head over heals in love. He stole my heart the first time I met him and now I get to spend two days a week with him. Who is he? He is the 16 month old son of two doctors, who I will call APL. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent time with a toddler. They have a lot of energy but they also have an infinite amount of love to give.

Observing him as he explores the world and the way it works, is fascinating. I can see his brain working. And when he laughs and smiles at me, I’m filled with joy and happiness. And it is a blessing to be able to care for him. I’d love to post a photo, but since he isn’t my son, I won’t.

Posted in Dreaming, Experience, Fun, love, Uncategorized

School Girl Crush

Posted on by Dede

When I went through my preteen and teenage years, I found it utterly ridiculous that girls had mad crushes on actors and singers. Buying TeenBeat Magazine, putting posters on their walls all seemed a waste of time. I didn’t scream at concerts or get butterflies if I thought I’d see someone famous. Did I miss something? I think I did. The idea of dreaming and longing and believing in something wonderful like love with a music star, no matter how unlikely it was, brought joy and excitement to many girls’ lives. I spent too much of my time just worrying about fitting in. I find it so interesting that now, of all times in my life, I have a mad teenage crush on a book character/actor. Of course I realize he is fictional and the actor is too young and famous, to ever be a reality, but it’s enabled be to dream a little and believe a little that there is the possibility of love again.

Aidan Turner as Ross Poldark on Masterpiece Theater/BBC 

Posted in choices, Dreaming, Goal, life, love, Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Where is Autumn?

Posted on by Dede

Falling leaves?

Nowhere to be seen.

Crisp air?

Nothing but a hot breeze.

Red, orange, yellow bright?

Not here among the green.

Burning leaves and pumpkin patches?

Just scorching rays and sweat down the back.

I long to live in a place which says goodbye to summer with bright flashes of color, deep scents of cinnamon, pumpkin and apple. I long to have a home where the windows let in a cool breeze for a night of refreshing of sleep. A place which offers a new experience for all my senses with the passing of each month. Will I ever be able to live in my wonderland?

Posted in daughters, Experience, family, life, love, Uncategorized

Freedom for those we love

Posted on by Dede


“We have to live our own lives. We have to give freedom to those we love.” Ross Poldark in Angry Tide by Winston Graham

Ross makes this comment as he and his wife leave their children behind as they head to London. Demelza is sad upon leaving the children at home and Ross reminds her that before she knows it the children will be leaving her.

As a parent we all must face the moment when we know our children are adults and independent. It’s bittersweet because you want them to grow up, live their lives and be happy but you will forever miss your babies. I think that is one reason as a parent it is sometimes difficult to step back when they are adults and let them find their way. In our eyes they are still our babies. As a mother there is always this overwhelming desire you fight to keep them children.

I always knew my children would grow up and go out on their own, making their way in the world. What I never thought about was the first statement Ross makes. We have to live our own lives. I forgot in those years as a mother and wife I needed to make a life of my own separate from them. It is even more true now that I am divorced. I never thought about being anyone other than a wife and mother. It is much more challenging than I anticipated to find my own way in the world. I feel like the one who has had adulthood thrust upon her unexpectedly.

I know my passion but the question is can I make a living? Can I support myself? Do I have the discipline needed to focus and make it work? That is yet to be determined

Posted in Experience, life, love, Uncategorized

Bringing joy to many

Posted on by Dede


My daughter recently portrayed Mary Poppins (The Musical) at Vive les Arts in Killeen, TX. A long running community theater (40 yrs) it provides the opportunity for both artists and theater lovers to enjoy shows locally. The show was a huge success selling out for all six shows. They went through 4,000 playbill programs.

My daughter has dreamed of performing on Broadway since she was a very young girl. While she still pursues her dream, life currently has placed her in central Texas, so Broadway has to wait. I told her today performing on Broadway would be wonderful but the gift she gives to people who will probably never have the opportunity to see a show in New York can not be measured. In a world where we’ve been inundated by violence, to see people clapping in time, cheering, laughing and leaving the theater happy and singing is priceless. 

Mary Poppins and her spoonful of sugar, anything is possible if you let it, and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious attitude is exactly the dose of medicine we need right now. So hats off to all those involved in community theater (the actors, musicians, techies, ensemble members, director, costumes, volunteers) and their timeless commitment to opening our world to new and wonderful experiences.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

Posted on by Dede

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in book, book review, books, characters, choices, fictional, friends, love, men, New life, novels, people, strong, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

I admit it, I am addict

Posted on by Dede

book

Alright, I may have admitted this before, but it is important we own our addictions. And I have found a new website which happily feeds my addiction. It is Thrift Books. I’ve been using the library for ebooks but sometimes I am impatient and don’t want to be 11th in line for a book, so I feel compelled by my addiction to buy the book. Thrift Books helps me afford to do that but, I am a book addict. I will say it again. I am a book addict. Since January 1st, I have read 38 books. Which means I am averaging one book approximately every 3.8 days. And since last fall I have specifically become addicted to detective mystery series set either in another time or another place. These include:

  • The Armand Gamache Books by Louise Penny – set in Quebec, present day
  • The Maisie Dobbs Books by Jacqueline Winspear- set in England pre and post WWI
  • The Ian Rutledge Books by Charles Todd- set in England post WWI 
  • Bruno, Chief of Police Books by Martin Walker- set in St. Denis area, France, present Day

I am not certain why I have suddenly become addicted to this type of book but I do know why a series captures me. A good writer makes a character real in my mind. These characters become my friends. I think about them. I wonder what they are doing when I am finished with a series. What do I share with each of them.  Each character faces their own demons and identifying with this is easy. I question my choices like Armand. I have been hurt and right now I keep s wall around my emotions like Maisie. Ian struggles with a voice in his head of a lost soldier. I struggle with my own voice chastising me for making so many wrong choices. I long for love like Bruno.

I admire them and their unique qualities. What can I learn from their lives and then incorporate into my own life so I will be happier, more content person.  I want to be a better listener like Armand. I want to be patient like Maisie and not miss the details. I want to push past my fears like Ian. And I want to live a life rich with friends and the love of the simple things like Bruno. I know they are fictional characters but I still learn something about myself through each book, each story, each struggle and each triumph.

So again, I admit I am an addict, a book addict and I hope I never am cured.

 

Posted in book, characters, choices, family, food, friendship, love, New life, relationships, Uncategorized

Lost Art of Dining

Posted on by Dede

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I am currently reading a book series by Martin Walker. They tell the story of Bruno Courrèges , the chief of police in the Périgord area of France. He loves his village of St. Denis, his adopted hometown. Here he finds the love and support he didn’t have as an orphaned boy. One of his great loves is cooking and dining well. He is gourmand and I sadly am a daughter of American cuisine. My palate would be challenged by some of his meals. However, the food doesn’t need to be fancy to be shared.

Dining with friends is a central theme throughout the series. Bruno is known for his cooking in addition to his astute police work. Laughter, sadness, love, hopes and dreams are shared between friends and family around the dinner table. Farewells are said to friends lost through death. Now I realize this is a book and not real life, but I do know the importance sitting together with your family for one meal a day . It plays a vital role in our lives. It is the one chance each day we have the opportunity to focus on those most important to us. Dinner time is when a child might express concern or joy about something inparticular. It is when parents teach their children through discussion the importance of staying connected with what is going on in the world. It is clearly the time parents can share their values through simple conversation.

Dining with friends widens our network of support. We are reminded we don’t face life’s hardships alone and we don’t celebrate the goodness of life alone either. At the dinner table we learn to give thanks for the simple things in life and the importance having a strong network of friends can be. Americans though have a difficult time sitting down and dining. Dinner is often rushed take out. Everyone grabs their order then scrambles off to their private space in the house. I know time is limited and the author is very clever because he writes about Bruno doing preperations prior to his day beginning. It does take practice but if everyone shared the responsiblity (at the the husband and wife) then it wouldn’t seem like such a burden.

Americans don’t entertain friends much anymore either, at least most of my former friends didn’t. When I or the one other friend who entertained would invite people to share dinner in our homes, you would think we had given them an expensive and irreplacable gift. I agree the gift of friendship is irreplacable but sharing dinner doesn’t have to be.  If you can’t afford to serve dinner to a group of friends, host a potluck. Or maybe host a dessert party, a make your own pizza party or an after dinner drinks party. The object is to come together for a time and shut out the rest of the world. Bruno, time and time again, finds the support and encouragement he needs around the dinner table.

I live alone and have allowed this to be my excuse for not cooking. Why cook for one? It is so much work if I am the only one who will be eating. Sadly I am teaching myself I am not worth the effort to make good food. A goal I have as I move on from this place, is to bring back the art of dining, even if it is only dining for one.

 

 

Posted in daughters, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

When your world changes 

Posted on by Dede


I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.

She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, love, relationships

Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

Posted on by Dede

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before? Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking cla…

Source: Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

Posted in divorce, love, Uncategorized, WordPress

Stepping outside the comfort zone

Posted on by Dede

 

I have taken photography lessons but never really have just gone out and taken photos. Thanks to Lady Bird Johnson , Texas is abloom with native wildflowers. Fields of flowers are protected from mowing. They can’t be mowed down until they’ve turned t seed. This insures the flowers return next year.
As I drive I see a sea of bluebonnets interspersed with buttercups. I can’t see these flowers and not think of my grandmother. I moved to Dallas in April 1985 and the weather had been perfect to produce a spectacular show of color. I remember her telling me the common names of all the flowers. It’s a poignant memory because she is no longer with us and the life I was starting in Dallas all those years ago was destroyed over time by choices of my ex.

Now I’m in Austin. A young and vibrant city where they love music, the environment, good food and life. I’m having to search for my youthful spirit because it was lost due to abuse and time. Can I turn back the internal clock and feel and be young again.

Posted in Faith, fear, forgiveness, God, help, Jesus, love, Uncategorized

Gifts of the Crucified Shepherd – A Quiet Heart

Posted on by Dede

“He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”Psalm 23:2-3a  He first noticed that he was getting tired easily.  Then it seemed like he was worn out all day long. Then, as he tells the story, he started to be able to hear his heart beat.  That…

http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/02/gifts-of-crucified-shepherd-quiet-heart.html

Posted in choices, Faith, God, Jesus, love, mistakes, Uncategorized

Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Contentment

Posted on by Dede

Psalm 23:1“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”We were riding around in his pickup truck.  Jimmy was giving us a tour of his ranch.   As we drove along we heard one his cows just bellowing away.  It turned out that one of her calves was trapped in the fence.  The calf had one…

http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/02/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd.html

Posted in books, characters, costumes, Faith, love, Uncategorized

War and Peace and Life

Posted on by Dede

  
Okay I admit that I never attempted the gargantuan novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. The idea of reading about Napolean’s invasion of Russia and the lives of people affected never appealed to me. I am however a sucker for a big, beautiful costume drama. So I watched all six hours of Lifetime’s presentation of BBC’s production.

It was a complicated story with many characters. It required my full attention to follow the storyline. This is one time I wish I had been able to watch the last scene before I watched the entire story. Why? Because while War and Peace does tell the story of lives affected by living during times of War and Peace, I realized (maybe slower than others) that it’s a metaphor for what we experience internally in our own lives. 

We all have time that war is raging internally and we must pretend we are at peace. Or we all know at least one person who is able to experience internal peace regardless of what is happening in her/his life. Andrei and Pierre both are drawn towards Natasha because she is one of those people. And it isn’t until Andrei and Pierre have suffered life altering situations that they realize the importance of just finding joy and love in each day. Without those experiences they would never had understood the secret to a joyous life. The question is would they give up that knowledge to avoid the pain they experienced? I’ve had to ask myself that question. Is the peace and joy I experience now worth the pain of my divorce? It’s been a journey for me just like it has been for Andrei and Pierre but I agree with Pierre. What follows is a quote from the movie. Pierre is contemplating his life and was his experience as a prisoner of war worth the lessons he learned. He decides if being a prisoner of war was the only way to reach the peace and joy he experiences now, than he would do it all again. He would suffer in order reach this peace in his heart.

“When our lives are knocked off course we imagine everything in them is lost. It is only the start of something new and good. As long as there is life there is happiness. There a great deal, a great deal to come.”

Posted in friends, friendship, love, marriage, mistakes, Uncategorized, weight

Whatever happened to?

Posted on by Dede

I watched a story this morning about the enduring friendship of five men. They have been friends for 50 years and will have attended all 50 Super Bowl games. Without going into detail, at times they have had to help each other through difficult times in order to make it happen.

I wonder where friends like that exist? In our world of texting and no real face to face time will friendships like continue to be developed? There is so much communication that takes places in the tone and intonation of our voice and body language which can never be translated to characters in a text.

  
I often wonder how I misread the women I believed to be my friends. Fully expecting their emotional support during and after my divorce, it was as though they had never truly been my real friends. Even after 20 plus years they turned their backs on me. My real friends didn’t abandon me even during my most difficult time. Unfortunately none of them live by me, so when I’ve been in need of a warm hug, handholding and just the company of a friend they sadly aren’t available.

So I bought You can’t lie to me by Janine Driver, lie detection expert for the FBI, CIA and ATF. They must have given me clues that their friendship wasn’t what I believed it to be. And clearly my ex-husband was lying all the time about what he was doing and I either ignored the signs or didn’t recognize them. I will do everything in my power never to be duped again by anyone.

Posted in Blogging, choices, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, friends, friendship, Health, help, Hiding, love, marriage, men, mistakes, Moving, New life, questions, relationships, sons, Uncategorized, values, women, WordPress, words, Writing

Fear, Silence, Homelessness

Posted on by Dede

homeless
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We read stories everyday of women that have been abused by a man. And sadly these women tend to repeat bad choices and go from one bad relationship to another. For anyone with a solid self-esteem and self-worth, it is incredulous that any woman would stay in such a damaging relationship. Here is something that so many people fail to understand; the abuser rarely walks in and begins the abuse immediately. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. They go hand in hand but emotional abuse can happen without physical abuse. That is my story.

Why didn’t I share? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Slowly over time my sense of independence was destroyed. Over time the belief I was lovable was destroyed. Day by day comments, looks, turning things around so I would begin to question myself believing somehow I caused him to cheat and having my concerns being dismissed and ignored regularly created a complete sense of instability. If my ex-husband was home I was always tied up in knots because I was worried I wasn’t making him happy. When he was out-of-town I was tied up in knots because I worried about what he was doing. Should I have left years ago? Of course, but he didn’t reveal his true-self all at once. He did it slowly over time. Think of a bucket being filled by one drop of water at a time. It takes a long time before the bucket overflows. So don’t judge your friend who finds herself in my position. Listen to her. Don’t rebuke her for not leaving sooner. Hug her. Offer support anyway you can. Don’t exclude her because she is no longer a couple. And certainly do NOT remain friends with her abusive ex-husband.

If I could give advice to any woman who is living with a narcissist, it would be to read as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists manipulate their victims. I would encourage her to find someone to share any secrets i.e. his cheating, his addictions, his crimes. Had I come forward the first time I found out what he was doing, I might have received support from my friends. However the shame he created in me, kept me silent. Silence is a killer. It kills your spirit. So speak up. Leaving is scary. I am facing homelessness at 56 because I was a stay-at-home mom and with no full-time work experience since 1984, I can’t get any business to take a chance on me.

Why do I write about this again? I write about this again because I can’t just dump the over-flowing bucket of abuse. It leaves as slowly as it came. Now I have a small hole in the bottom of the bucket and daily a little more of it drains out. It is just going to take time, a lot of time. Sadly I don’t have time when it comes to a job. While my ex enjoys a life in the lap of luxury, ignores his children and pretends he never destroyed lives, I work to survive and they learn to accept life as fatherless children.

Posted in Blogging101, Experience, Faith, family, friends, friendship, Fun, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized

Is your church friendly or inviting?

Posted on by Dede

welcomechurch

Since relocating three years ago, I have been visiting churches. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve visited. They include churches of all sizes and denominations. I remember thinking my church (where I was involved prior to my divorce) was friendly and what I have learned is that friendly and inviting are not the same thing. Every church I’ve been to has some moment either before or during the service to greet the people around you. At a few churches no one has approached me. At most churches people shake my hand and say hello but that is the end of the moment. At only two churches have members taken the time to introduce themselves, ask a question or two about me and then invite me to join them in some additional activity. I even had a couple offer to walk with me to their Sunday School Class. I had a woman offer to pay for me to attend their women’s dinner when she find out I was unemployed. Guess which churches I liked the best?

Shaking someone’s hand and saying hello doesn’t cut it. It is difficult enough to walk into a church not knowing a soul, especially when you are alone.  I remember being comfortable at my church and being involved. In the beginning I was great at seeking out and inviting new people to join me in Sunday School or a Bible Study or a women’s group or a family event. But over time, like most people, I became complacent. I am learning first hand how not reaching out beyond a handshake makes a visitor feel excluded and unwanted.

When you are busy chitchatting with your friends about an upcoming event, I am left standing there twiddling my thumbs praying the pastor hurries up and tells us to sit down. A visitor is a fish out of water. A handshake and hello does not invite them in for a swim. Now some of you may be saying I need to make an effort and just join a group. While that thought is nice in theory, in practice there are very few people that will actually on their own step out of their comfort zone and join a group. For most people just being brave enough to visit a church is placing them way outside their comfort zone. It is up to the church members to reach out and invite the visitors to experience their church on a deeper and more personal level. Don’t say to yourself, well we have a committee to do that. Or we have people that do a follow up call. It is the responsibility of every believer to try and make that connection.

So next time you have those moments to greet people or share the peace, take the time to get their name and find something out about them. If you don’t have time, make sure you get them before they walk out of the sanctuary. Invite them to something. Get their email, give them your email. Get out of your comfort zone and make your church not just a friendly place but an inviting place.