Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

Click my heels 3 times

I’m feeling like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. this has been an interesting place to be but I’m tired and want to go home. The difference between me and Dorothy is I can not go home. Home, as I knew it, no longer exists. I know home is where your heart is, but my heart has yet to fully recover.

I feel sometimes like this is a bad dream and tomorrow I will wake up and life will be back to normal. Of course I realize my normal wasn’t healthy. It was destructive. He was cruel and incapable of empathy and compassion. So why do I find sometimes I still long for the security of my marriage even though I wasn’t happy?

I’ve had to accept he is a narcissist and absolutely incapable of understanding how his selfish actions have hurt not just me but our daughters. I have to accept he will never change because he doesn’t have the ability to change. He will forever be a soulless man.

I continue to pray and ask that I know His will. It’s not easy to know. I pray God leads my girls down the paths He has chosen for them. I  pray I don’t fall apart again. I don’t think my girls are strong enough to handle it. All I can do is one minute, one hour, on day at a time.

Posted in Uncategorized

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/06/16/you-cant-engage-in-reality-with-a-narcissist-because-they-lack-a-conscience-morals-empathy-and-emotions-so-do-not-expect-to-be-heard-yet-alone-find-common-ground-or-any-sort-of/

Posted in Experience, Faith, family, God, summer, Uncategorized

Time to Celebrate 


It’s time to celebrate. I am “unpacked” and settling in to my new place. I’ve managed to stay somewhat organized. My cat, Finn has adjusted and has taken his rightful place in the front window.

And it’s time to give thanks for this wonderful country I call home. America is not perfect and it will never be perfect but I love her anyway. Her beauty is in her imperfections. Her beauty is found in her diversity. Her beauty is made more beautiful by our shared belief in each person’s right to the pursuit of happiness. 

I’ve been fortunate to travel and have been places where there is little cultural or ethnic diversity. And while those places were beautiful and the people kind, our diversity adds such depth to who we are. I am proud to be an American.

Posted in Experience, Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Oops I did it Again


Oops I did it again. Yes, I moved. This is my 6th move in 4 years. I’ve slowly pared down my belongings although from the photos it doesn’t appear so. 

I decided with this move to sell one huge reminder of my ex: our bed. It is a large four poster wood bed and I bought the small full size iron bed on Craigslist. Just waiting for a new mattress to be delivered. Now when I go to bed at night, there will be no visual reminders of the past.

When I do buy furniture I’ve always tried to find pieces which can be used in a multitude of ways. So my formal living room end tables are now night stands in my room. The small tables with drawers I bought at Hobby Lobby for my bedroom are now in the living area. The tall, narrow drawer chest has been moved from my bedroom to the kitchen. And the small armoire which went with my four posset bed is now in the guest room.

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by the boxes but reminding myself to be grateful to have such a problem. The heat and humidity aren’t helping the unpacking process but hard work and sweat never hurt anyone.

As much as I’d like a cool shower and a good book, I’m heading to the garage and another box.

Posted in communication, divorce, Faith, God, relationships, Uncategorized

He finally reached me


I have spent a large part of my time on this blog complaining and lamenting my situation. I’ve expressed a huge range of emotions tied to feeling betrayed by my ex.

God gave me many doors during my marriage to leave and my pride kept me there. I’ve spent the last few months coming to terms with my choice to stay when God so clearly wanted me to leave. Now that I have come through the door to the other side the only emotion I feel towards my ex is pity.

The simplest definition of Pity is: a strong feeling of sadness or sympathy for someone or something. I do feel sympathy for my ex because he is blind to what matters in life. His heart is hardened. He values his image and material things. We know God doesn’t see just the image we project. He sees directly to our heart so while my ex may be fooling those around him, he is not fooling me, his daughters, son-in-law or God. We know the truth about who he is. And he has sadly bought into the lie the world tells about money and possessions. Those things pass away but the love my family and I have will last because it is based on our faith and not on what we possess or what others think of us.

With Father’s Day approaching I realized God had finally reached me and changed my direction when my primary emotion towards my ex is pity. I am no longer consumed with anger although I still feel angry from time to time. What I feel looking back and looking forward is nothing but pity for my ex because he is the one who has lost out not just now but for eternity.

Posted in daily prompt, Uncategorized

Simplicity – Daily Prompt

S-sharing a good laugh

I-inspires me

M-material things not needed

P-positively joyful life

L-living in the moment

I-intelligent living 

C-creativity blossoms

I- important moments

T-timeless quality 

Y-yearning desire

Daily Prompt

Posted in daughters, Goal, God, Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Don’t worry Haha

My youngest told me today it was time to stop worrying about her and her sister and start to worry about myself. I wanted to laugh because most parents (except my ex) always have their children on their hearts and minds. I don’t worry per se, but I pray for them and if they are sick or feeling down I’m concerned. It’s like the moment your child is born as with goes on inside of you and you realize for the first time in your life what love really is. 

I am doing my best to focus on rebuilding my life as I approach my next move. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a local theater. I’ve joined a few Meetup groups. I found out I qualify for a free senior checking account and a discount at the community recreation center. (Happy to save money but still difficult to realize how old I am). 

It’s hot and humid here in central Texas. As I sweat or as a southern lady  glisten my way through the day, I remind myself all that humidity is good for my skin and helps delay wrinkles!! I am privileged to grow old. Not everyone gets the opportunity.

Posted in daily prompt, Uncategorized

Rebuild-The Daily Prompt

How do you rebuild your life? How do you take those first scary steps towards an unknown destination? You would think age would grant you clarity and maybe it does for some people. For me, with no clear destination I had in my youth, the rebuilding process is proving to be slow and difficult.

One step is all I can take, one step at a time. I must remind myself God can see my entire journey and He is the builder. God has faith I can rebuild my life.

He reminds me just because a husband, a wife, a family appears happy doesn’t make it true. Many people live false and unhappy lives on the inside while proclaiming joy and happiness on the outside. And as Theodore Roosevelt said “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

I must accept I can change the past. I only have the ability to do something today. My life can be rebuilt. It may not look the same or feel the same but it will still be beautiful.

Daily Prompt

Posted in daughters, divorce, family, Uncategorized

How do you apologize?

How do you tell your precious daughters you are so sorry you made such a bad choice in a husband and father? I know many people will think I wouldn’t have my girls without him but I believe they were meant to me mine regardless of who fathered them.

He provided the basic necessities of life but he never gave of himself. There are no memories of a dad offering advice, comforting a broken heart, guiding choices or times of caring. Life was all about him. Nothing has changed.

It’s why he walked away from his daughters and never looked back. He was never connected to them. There was no love for them. They were nothing more than adornments to be used and when they expected him to step up to the plate and be an honorable man and a good father by seeking help, he walked away.

So to my daughters, who I love more than life itself, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made such a bad choice. I’m sorry I stayed. I’m sorry I didn’t get you out of such a dysfunctional environment sooner. Please forgive me. I love you.

Posted in communication, Uncategorized

What’s in a Name?


What’s in a name? It is an age old question. First names for newborns seem to run in trends. You can search most popular names by decades. In the 1900s it was John, William and James courting Mary, Helen and Margaret. By the 1950s it was James, Michael and Robert dating Mary, Linda and Patricia. And in 2015 Liam, Noah and Ethan will some day date Emma, Sophia and Olivia. Currently parents try to be original by burdening their children with unusual names and/or spellings. 

Why do I say it’s a burden? Because I was given a name my parents didn’t like which is difficult to spell and pronounce for most people. When a new school year began, I knew the teacher had come to my name when she paused. I was given a nickname when I was no more than 2 years old and continue to use it, but that causes a whole new set of problems.

I have often wondered if I could pick my own name what would it be? I don’t think I would select Peekaboo like the skier. I know I wouldn’t pick to be named after someone like I was. I think your first name should be yours alone in the family. Names do carry with them images. Sometimes those images are associated with either a good or bad experience we’ve had. For me all Vickies and Connies will be bitches. Dougs and Floyds will be selfish jerks who cheat. Are those judgments fair? No of course not but we all do it.

No one imagines Gladys or Mildred being female sex symbols or Randy or Robbie being male sex symbols. The names don’t fit the image we have in our head.

So not liking my name, I’ve often wondered if I could choose my name what would it be? Charlotte? Daniella? Lily? Emannuelle? I don’t know. Maybe one day I will begin to ask people to guess my name. Then I will know who I should really be.

***If you are expecting a baby please don’t use some strange spelling Ryleigh for Riley or Matelyn for Madeleine or Aireck for Eric. Keep it simple. Your child will thank you.

Posted in depression, divorce, life, Uncategorized

Can loneliness and living alone shorten your lifespan?

http://archive.boston.com/dailydose/2012/06/19/can-loneliness-and-living-alone-shorten-your-lifespan/3D7VHs8i9wuLF5583cJskK/story.html

Posted in depression, Health, Uncategorized

Ringing ringing 

I have had a ringing in my left ear for two months now. I’ve been to an ear specialist and there isn’t much which can be done. When there is a lot of white noise during the day, I can manage. But I love alone and it is very quiet here. It’s then the ringing is so loud I feel as though someone else would be able to hear it.

The doctor said it is a middle ear problem. I’ve searched all over the Internet for solutions. Nothing has worked. This definitely doesn’t make my battle with depression easier. In makes it more difficult. The doctor mentioned Ménière’s disease but I’ve only had one bout of vertigo and that was over a year ago and I had no ear issues then.

I just pray I could catch a break. The tide keeps rising and keeping my head above water gets more difficult. Just taking it one minute at a time.

Posted in Blogging, Blogging101, blogging201, book, book review, Uncategorized, Writing

Life with a Book

I have added a blog. I now have Life Rewritten and Life with a Book. I don’t know how I would live without books. They add so much to my life, adventure, comfort, love, knowledge just to name a few. So if you like to read, I’d love to have you follow my new blog.

Life with A Book

Posted in friendship, Health, New life, Online dating, Uncategorized

The New Middle Age


The Today Show has been doing a series titled “The New Middle Age.” Joan Lunden told us in a survey people selected 55 as middle age. Which I find very interesting because she interviewed women in their 40s with young children. Definitely not the demographic described by her own survey. I don’t know about you but where my life is now is vastly different from where my life was 10 years ago. And I think there is a major life shift for most people between mid 40s and mid 50s.

Children leave home. Careers change. You are either promoted or downsized. Marriages grown stronger or they break apart. The husband has a mid-life crisis and runs off with a younger woman. Sons and daughters-in-law and grand children are added to the family. Maybe you downsize your home or move to a new place, which means getting rid of lots of things. So I think her interviews held no weight because she didn’t interview people who were really middle aged. 

Today they shared some round table talk with a variety of ages. I think their survey numbers were way off because I think people lied about discriminating based on age. Again age discrimination is alive and well. I can’t find a job because I’m entering the workforce at such a late time in life. Their is a perception I can’t learn new skills or my potential career will be to short. I clearly remember signing in at a Verizon Store. They took customers in the order in which they signed in unless you were a pretty young blond. A male Verizon employee disregarded the list of who was to be served next and went to help the blind hottie. I spoke up loudly and complained to the manager. Of course he said he didn’t see a problem.

For a woman 50 seems to be the magic number. It’s when you disappear from TV, movies, music, etc. And I finally stopped trying online dating because the majority of men, regardless of age set their search parameters not to select women who exceed 50 years of age. If you are over 50 you’ll never show up as a possibility. Even women your own age separate you out of their life if your life doesn’t follow their path i.e. you are divorced and they are still married.

I try and forget my age but always try and remember getting older is a privilege many never get. So rather than ignoring the “older” person next to you, engage them in conversation and open your world to new possibilities of friendship.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in daily prompt, life, Uncategorized, WordPress

Flourish – Daily Prompt

Flourish is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary to mean: to grow or develop successfully, to move something in your hand in order to make people look at it:a big, noticeable movement.  They also have a list of related words or phrases. So many times we lock ourselves into a definition and forget it can have a broader meaning.  I think I do that with my life. I can lock myself into a life which I believe is destined to be boring, uninspiring, empty and half-lived. So using some of their related words and phrases (in blue) I will write with a flourish about my new life.

Since my divorce I am having to take a step forward in order to advance and evolve my life into something new. When I take the first step, my life  will begin to  flower  and move forward . And when my life is flourishing, I can gather my achievements and  continue to grow. It may take awhile but I will eventually have come a long way. It will take time to make headway and progress in order to regenerate and rise. But I know with certainty my new life will begin to take shape while I spread my wings. I will find my stride and live my life fully while it unfolds into a beautiful, compassionate, kind, joyous and spirit filled life.

WordPress Daily Prompt

Posted in book, divorce, fear, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

67,439 The End

book

I finished writing. I am not certain 67,439 words qualifies as a book but it is certainly the most I’ve ever written. Now I need to take the steps to get e-published. It isn’t as simple as it sounds. An editor must be found and paid to do the work. A professional book cover artist must be hired to make the book look appealing. I must research and determine which e-publisher is the best fit for me. This is followed by making certain the book is formatted to meet the qualifications for whichever e-publisher I select. Then the prayers that someone will want to buy my book. I may never become a famous writer, but I can now honestly say I have written a book. Below is a sample from the beginning of the story. I hope you enjoy it. And if any of you have been down the e-publishing road, I would love any and all advice you have to share. The words below are my creation and not to be republished without permission.

First comes Shame, second comes Fear  and then comes Murder 

             Spring was on the horizon. It was one of her favorite times of year here in Bowie Hills. Central Texas prairies produced some of the most beautiful wildflowers. It wouldn’t be long before the roads were lined with Bluebonnets, Indian paintbrush, purple foxgloves, honey daisies, orange milkweed and more. It was a veritable artist’s palette covering the fields. This year was set to be a good one. There had been enough rain and no late freezes. Charlotte was lost in her thoughts when she used her electronic swipe card. Opening the side door, she entered and headed to her classroom. The lights were motion sensitive and turned on as she made her way down the long corridor. Charlotte marveled at how much the school had grown. Just over 900 students in two grades when it first opened, Bowie Hills High was now home to four grades and over 4,000 which did not include teachers, staff and administration. Bowie HHS was almost as large as the town had been when she first arrived here as a young wife and mother. She had been set to create a perfect life for her, Dan and Hannah. Kaitlyn came along two years later. Her dreams were big then. How dreams can change she thought to herself.

 Charlotte had forgotten the latest essays her students had turned in.  She had been deep in a conversation with her two favorite students over their most recently read novel. Her attention had been on Andrew and Brandon and not the essays. She had walked off and left them in her classroom. Charlotte decided after dinner to return and pick them up. She would have plenty of free time to read and grade them since it was a three-day weekend. The lights to her hallway would not turn on until she actually had walked a few strides down the corridor, so looking ahead it was dark. When she reached the corner of the English classroom hallway and turned, Charlotte took a few steps and then she tripped. Managing to stay upright and not falling completely to the floor, she turned to see what had caused her to trip.  She froze. Unable to scream due to the horrific scene before her, Charlotte just stood there. Staring. Staring at the body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Coming to her senses, she dialed 911 and requested emergency help. Then doing what seemed obvious, she checked for a pulse. None was to be found. The face was covered with long blond hair and Charlotte carefully moved it away to see if she recognized the girl. There had been an unspeakable crime in her school, in this safe haven for children.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Emperor’s New Clothes

To deal with sociopaths effectively, you first need to open your eyes. In The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson, two weavers promise the emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those who are stupid and unfit for their positions. When the emperor parades before his subjects, all the adults, not […]

https://psychopathresistance.wordpress.com/2016/05/15/the-emperors-new-clothes/

Posted in depression, Dreaming, Experience, Uncategorized

Fear of Happiness


Everyone recognizes the universal symbol for happiness, the yellow happy face. I’ve been reading articles about the fear of happiness. I’ve often wondered if I am afraid to be happy again and if so why?

I’m afraid the happiness won’t be real. It will only be illusion. My life experience consists of giving love to an illusion. My happiness was an illusion. I don’t trust myself now to recognize what happiness is. I understand happiness isn’t a perpetual state of nothing ever going wrong but I thought I was happy. Now looking back, especially when I look at old photos I can easily see I lack the spark of happiness. It makes me sad. Will I make the same mistake again? 

I know I spend too much time worried about what other people think. It keeps me inhibited. It makes relaxing difficult and I miss out on enjoying the moment. I could give a long list of reasons why I worry but ultimately none of them matter. The only thing which matters is I am missing out on fully embracing life.

I found a new app for my phone. It is called You. It is free and it speaks of micro actions. They are very small steps you take towards making changes in your life. There are prompts. You can follow people. I’m going to do my best to make micro actions and ultimately change my life in a big way.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

He is near


I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.