Category: Uncategorized

Posted in depression, Uncategorized

Not again

Posted on by Dede


Every time I get a glimmer of hope and begin to believe that things in my life are finally beginning to turn around, I am reminded to stop hoping. I had a complete breakdown yesterday because yet again someone decided I wasn’t right for the job.

I’ve stopped asking God what he is trying to teach me because I don’t care anymore. I won’t survive another rejection. The best I can do at this moment is to make it to the next moment. Nothing more, nothing less. I spent time writing my mission statement but let’s face it without a job, there is no money. And we all know money is needed for rent and food. I won’t even discuss car payment or health care.

I’m tired. My daughters want me to get better. I understand they love me. I just don’t have it in me to try anymore. The best I can offer is one day and only one day at a time.

Posted in Uncategorized

Keep Going

Posted on by Dede

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” ― Winston S. Churchill It hurts. It gets old. It’s a dull pain one day and a sharp pain the next. Getting through the bad times wears you down and shapes you at the same time. You can’t see your way out and you’re convinced they will […]

http://myworldwithwords.com/2016/04/28/keep-going/

Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

Posted on by Dede

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.   So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques […]

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/we-didnt-fall-in-love-with-the-abuse-we-were-seduced-into-this-abusive-relationship-and-manipulated-into-a-role-by-a-fraud-and-a-highly-disordered-and-sadistic-narcissist-with-an-agenda/

Posted in Experience, Faith, Health, Learning, Uncategorized

Writing a Mission Statement

Posted on by Dede

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It is fairly common for most businesses and churches to have mission statements. They can be quite simple or complex but the mission statement helps define who something or someone is and how they want to contribute to the world around us. I’ve tried writing my own personal mission statement but always seem to lose focus. How specific should I be?  Do I need an individual statement for each area of life? Can I write it so it is clear, concise and helps me become the person I wish to be? Whatever step I take, I need to begin by trying.

I have found a great, FREE, online tool which can help you write your own personal mission statement. At Franklin Covey they walk you through the process. They ask the questions and you supply the answers. When you are finished with the process, they provide you with a well written and concise mission statement. You can go back and tweak it if something does not reflect your original meaning. Once you read it you may find you want to go back and add or delete something. It is very easy to use. Below is my personal mission statement made at Franklin Covey.

  1. I am at my best when I am helping people.
  2. I will try to prevent times when I have no purpose.
  3. I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can write, read, answer questions, and be creative.
  4. I will find enjoyment in my personal life through writing, reading, creating, giving back to the community, spending time with my daughters and traveling.
  5. I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as making people feel welcome and included, explaining things, being a friend, writing and being creative.
  6. I can do anything I set my mind to. I will write a book, travel the world, and learn to speak French, Spanish and Italian, buy a home so I can invite friends and family to make memories with me there, and volunteer to help girls.
  7. My life’s journey is about loving my ex-husband, freely offering forgiveness and ultimately being betrayed. It is how I am healing from the hurt with the support of Heidi, Chris and Kari and rebuilding a full life including the possibility of love with a new life partner. My journey is about making a positive contribution to my family and community.
  8. When I am 80, I will be a person who is surrounded by my daughters, their husbands, my grandchildren and my life partner. My church and community friends will be there to celebrate the positive and loving impact I have had on them and my community. I will be celebrating what I can accomplish in my time left on this earth, my faith in God and the legacy I will leave behind.
  9. My most important future contribution to others will be my daughters’ deep faith in God and the knowledge he is always with them and will never leave them. I will have also taught them the importance of forgiveness, loving support and leaving behind toxic people. These qualities will enhance the lives of everyone with whom they come in contact.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • Taking better care of my health through diet and exercise.
  • Returning to my faith by joining a church and becoming an active participant.
  • Believing in myself and my ability to succeed, be happy and to be loved. Giving up the idea I am doomed for unhappiness and to be alone for the rest of my life without a loving life partner.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Unconditional love
  • Compassion in action
  • Deep and abiding faith despite unanswered prayers

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Taking control of my health by choosing a healthy diet and adding an exercise program.
  • Joining a church, getting involved and beginning to study the Bible again.
  • Signing up to learn something new
  • No longer isolate myself by finding areas in my community in which to become involved.

 

Posted in depression, divorce, Uncategorized

Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse

Posted on by Dede

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ Amazon.com Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of […]

via Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse

Posted in daily prompt, Uncategorized

Daily Prompt Survival

Posted on by Dede

swiss-army-knife-572667_960_720

That is a photo of a victorinox Swiss army knife. Approximately 130 years ago, Karl Eisener made the first Swiss army knife. Little has changed over the years. It provides you with the simple tools you need in everyday life and in a moment of need. Millions of people worldwide carry the little knife. It is an all-purpose tool. I wish there was an all purpose tool for dealing with everyday life and the challenges some of us face.

I won’t ramble on about the economic disparity in the world. I know it exists and I also know even in my current situation, I have it 1000% better than most people, at least the material sense of survival. But time and time again, some of the most economically successful countries don’t rank high on happiness tests. We’ve not had to face the simple question, how will I survive for so long, we lose focus. We chase after things which are temporary and will not last. Accumulations of wealth may make you comfortable, but it will never fill the void left in your heart.

I worry now about basic survival. Will I be able to pay my rent? Buy food? Afford healthcare? I also worry about the hole left in my heart. Will I ever find God again? Will someone ever love me again? Will I ever belong in a community again? My children believe my complaints about my lifestyle change and loss of material wealth is shallow. They don’t understand it is not the “things” I miss. I miss what those things represent safety, security, home, love and a life I built with a man who promised God and my own father he would take care of me until death do us part. He lied.

I am focused on survival. Focused on not letting my depression get the best of me. I am navigating an uncharted territory (for me) as a single, middle-aged woman who doesn’t like the idea of spending possibly 30 or 40 years alone. I want a life partner. I am trying to find a way to financially support myself. Every day right now is a survival test for me and I understand I am lucky these are my problems because there are far more serious survival challenges in the world faced daily by people just like me.

But you have to admit, wouldn’t it be nice to have a tool, like the victorinox Swiss Army knife for life.

Daily Prompt: Survival

Posted in Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Color Code

Posted on by Dede

tape

This being my sixth move in four years, I decided it was time to find an easier way to determine where each box should go. I’ve tried writing on the boxes. I’ve used different color markers. I’ve purchased large white labels and wrote on the boxes. And while each helped some, I wanted a way to quickly look at a box and decide where I wanted it to go.

I bought duct tape in a variety of colors. Using a box cutter, I carefully sliced the tape down the center so it would provide me with narrower strips and twice as much tape. Then in a small notebook, I put a piece of each tape and labeled which room it represented. The living area is yellow. Christmas is black. Office/Craft room is white. You get the idea.

I’ve begun to move the boxes to my garage to get more organized and figure out what I have left to pack. With a quick glance I can tell where I need to place the box I am moving into the garage. And since I am having to downsize yet again, I will know which boxes will be headed to storage.

Colored duct tape is providing me with a simple visual clue to help organize my very unorganized and unsettled life. And right now any small thing which adds to my sense of peace and control, it a miracle from God

 

 

Posted in choices, depression, divorce, Faith, family, Jesus, Uncategorized

In the Minutia

Posted on by Dede

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The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.

I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.

My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.

I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.

Posted in divorce, Uncategorized

Destroyed

Posted on by Dede

Well my ex should be joyous and celebrating because I have had to lower my living standards again. Our first apartment when we were married was nicer than where I will be living. His goal has been to destroy my life and he has done just that. He lives on a pile of money with a woman who has filed bankruptcy twice, drove her ex to commit suicide and has over $500,000 in federal tax liens filed against her. I hope she sucks him dry.

Posted in book, book review, books, characters, choices, fictional, friends, love, men, New life, novels, people, strong, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

I admit it, I am addict

Posted on by Dede

book

Alright, I may have admitted this before, but it is important we own our addictions. And I have found a new website which happily feeds my addiction. It is Thrift Books. I’ve been using the library for ebooks but sometimes I am impatient and don’t want to be 11th in line for a book, so I feel compelled by my addiction to buy the book. Thrift Books helps me afford to do that but, I am a book addict. I will say it again. I am a book addict. Since January 1st, I have read 38 books. Which means I am averaging one book approximately every 3.8 days. And since last fall I have specifically become addicted to detective mystery series set either in another time or another place. These include:

  • The Armand Gamache Books by Louise Penny – set in Quebec, present day
  • The Maisie Dobbs Books by Jacqueline Winspear- set in England pre and post WWI
  • The Ian Rutledge Books by Charles Todd- set in England post WWI 
  • Bruno, Chief of Police Books by Martin Walker- set in St. Denis area, France, present Day

I am not certain why I have suddenly become addicted to this type of book but I do know why a series captures me. A good writer makes a character real in my mind. These characters become my friends. I think about them. I wonder what they are doing when I am finished with a series. What do I share with each of them.  Each character faces their own demons and identifying with this is easy. I question my choices like Armand. I have been hurt and right now I keep s wall around my emotions like Maisie. Ian struggles with a voice in his head of a lost soldier. I struggle with my own voice chastising me for making so many wrong choices. I long for love like Bruno.

I admire them and their unique qualities. What can I learn from their lives and then incorporate into my own life so I will be happier, more content person.  I want to be a better listener like Armand. I want to be patient like Maisie and not miss the details. I want to push past my fears like Ian. And I want to live a life rich with friends and the love of the simple things like Bruno. I know they are fictional characters but I still learn something about myself through each book, each story, each struggle and each triumph.

So again, I admit I am an addict, a book addict and I hope I never am cured.

 

Posted in book, characters, choices, family, food, friendship, love, New life, relationships, Uncategorized

Lost Art of Dining

Posted on by Dede

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I am currently reading a book series by Martin Walker. They tell the story of Bruno Courrèges , the chief of police in the Périgord area of France. He loves his village of St. Denis, his adopted hometown. Here he finds the love and support he didn’t have as an orphaned boy. One of his great loves is cooking and dining well. He is gourmand and I sadly am a daughter of American cuisine. My palate would be challenged by some of his meals. However, the food doesn’t need to be fancy to be shared.

Dining with friends is a central theme throughout the series. Bruno is known for his cooking in addition to his astute police work. Laughter, sadness, love, hopes and dreams are shared between friends and family around the dinner table. Farewells are said to friends lost through death. Now I realize this is a book and not real life, but I do know the importance sitting together with your family for one meal a day . It plays a vital role in our lives. It is the one chance each day we have the opportunity to focus on those most important to us. Dinner time is when a child might express concern or joy about something inparticular. It is when parents teach their children through discussion the importance of staying connected with what is going on in the world. It is clearly the time parents can share their values through simple conversation.

Dining with friends widens our network of support. We are reminded we don’t face life’s hardships alone and we don’t celebrate the goodness of life alone either. At the dinner table we learn to give thanks for the simple things in life and the importance having a strong network of friends can be. Americans though have a difficult time sitting down and dining. Dinner is often rushed take out. Everyone grabs their order then scrambles off to their private space in the house. I know time is limited and the author is very clever because he writes about Bruno doing preperations prior to his day beginning. It does take practice but if everyone shared the responsiblity (at the the husband and wife) then it wouldn’t seem like such a burden.

Americans don’t entertain friends much anymore either, at least most of my former friends didn’t. When I or the one other friend who entertained would invite people to share dinner in our homes, you would think we had given them an expensive and irreplacable gift. I agree the gift of friendship is irreplacable but sharing dinner doesn’t have to be.  If you can’t afford to serve dinner to a group of friends, host a potluck. Or maybe host a dessert party, a make your own pizza party or an after dinner drinks party. The object is to come together for a time and shut out the rest of the world. Bruno, time and time again, finds the support and encouragement he needs around the dinner table.

I live alone and have allowed this to be my excuse for not cooking. Why cook for one? It is so much work if I am the only one who will be eating. Sadly I am teaching myself I am not worth the effort to make good food. A goal I have as I move on from this place, is to bring back the art of dining, even if it is only dining for one.

 

 

Posted in Blogging, choices, depression, family, fear, New life, Uncategorized

What drives your choices?

Posted on by Dede

Over these past few months, my counselor and I have discussed the choices I made in the past. He assures me I made the best choices for survival at the time. While that may be true, I have wondered what was behind the choices I made beside just surviving. And I had a personal revelation. Most, if not all, of my poor choices were driven out of a fear of rejection.

My life, prior to now, was not a journey driven by a confident woman. The driving force of my life was the fear of rejection and humiliation. My life was in a constant state of unbalance. Every time the person I was trying to please changed his/her mind, I had to rush to make sure my decision still made them happy. If it didn’t, then I needed to quickly make a change. By allowing my fear to drive my choices, I never built a strong sense of who I am and what makes me happy. I didn’t speak up. I kept my hurt feelings to myself out of fear of upsetting the other person. I pretended their words didn’t hurt my feelings. I raced around like mad when relatives were coming to visit and the stayed in a state of apprehension and fear. Why? Because I was eaten up with worry, I would be a disappointment. The ironic thing is I always felt as though I was a disappointment. Even if everything went smoothly and everyone was happy, I still felt like a failure because I always believed I could have done better or it was just a matter of time people would see the “real” me, the failure.

It is not always easy to be honest. It is not always easy to make a decision which goes against the tide (or family or friends or children). A person needs inner strength not to waver when a decision is questioned. So much of my life would be different if I had not been driven by the fear of rejection. I battle the fear of rejection and being alone every day. I take on the role of scapegoat. Pointing the finger of blame at myself calms my fear of someone else doing it and humiliating me. It gives me a sense of control when I assume everything is my fault. Sadly it doesn’t provide much opportunity for joy and peace in my life.

Change isn’t easy but it is worth the effort. Change has been a bumpy road. Change has challenged in ways I never anticipated. Change is scary. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. There is a reason “misery loves company” is universally understood. While I might be miserable, it is what I know and having you join me in what I know is less frightening than me leaving my miserable comfort zone.

 

 

 

Posted in divorce, Faith, family, fear, God, Uncategorized

53 days to go

Posted on by Dede

I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.

For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.

If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.

So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.

 

Posted in daughters, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

When your world changes 

Posted on by Dede


I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.

She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.

Posted in books, characters, Uncategorized, Writing

46,336 only 33,664 to go 

Posted on by Dede

MURDER IN BLUEBONNET HILLS

I am well into my story now. 80,000 words is given as the minimum for writing to be considered a novel. I am halfway finished with reading Stephen King’s On Writing book. I was skeptical when he mentioned his characters speaking to him and leading sometimes down an entirely different story path.

I know now he’s right. I had a basic plot line in mind, characters, victim, a guilty murderer and as I have continued to write the story, I am being lead in an entirely different direction. It seems my murderer is innocent and someone else did the nasty deed.

If I continue writing at my current pace I hope to finish the first draft by mid-May. Thank you to Julie and Anne for their bravery in reading what I’ve written and giving me their honest opinions. When it’s finally finished and I  e-publish it I will certainly post it on my blog.

Posted in Uncategorized, WordPress, words, Writing

38,000 and counting 

Posted on by Dede


You would think with all the time I’ve had on my hands I would have spent it writing the book I’ve always said I’d write. I would begin and then think this story is dumb no one will read it. Then I went to a Meetup group for aspiring writers. I met writers who had actually written books, self published and made money!! 

I spoke to one afterwards express in my belief no one would read what I wrote. She assured me in no uncertain terms if I wrote a book, self published it, someone would read it. Maybe that’s all I need to hear because as present I am at 38,000 words and counting. According to Internet gurus I need approximately 80,000 words for an adult novel. So I am not quite halfway.

Hoping to finish before I move out and into the unknown I’m using my time during the day to do nothing but write. The story probably makes no sense at all but it has given me something to focus on during the day. Now to find something other than hopelessness to fill my night. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Help me decide my Future.

Posted on by Dede

After 30 years of marriage followed by a bad divorce and 3.5  years of unsuccessful job hunting I need help. I want you to help me decide my future by taking my poll. If you don’t like any of the answers, chose none of the above and give a suggestion in the comments section. Please be polite and respectful. Let the voting beginning.

Posted in Blogging, book, Uncategorized, Writing

5 Ways to Smash Through and Finally Start Writing

Posted on by Dede

If you’re like I was at the beginning of my career, you have huge dreams. But sadly, the bigger the dream, the greater the frustration when day after day passes without success. The cause—not starting—looks simple. But the fix—starting (which also looks simple)—has you stymied. You know you would succeed if you could just get…

via 5 Ways to Smash Through and Finally Start Writing — Jerry Jenkins | Write Your Book

Posted in family, Uncategorized

Chrissy Teagan Mommy shamed

Posted on by Dede

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I heard on the news, new mother Chrissy Teagan was being mommy shamed because she chose to go out to dinner a mere two weeks post delivery. Now someone please correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression baby Luna wasn’t conceived through  immaculate conception. Baby Luna does actually have a father as well as a mother right? Chrissy was out to dinner with her husband, John Legend an equally new father but not one word was said about his departure from the sweet child. Only she was criticized.

Am I to understand it is acceptable for women to criticize new mothers about every choice they make? But new fathers are considered completely innocent and not responsible when they make the same choice as the new mother? Hello, we aren’t living in the dark ages or even 1950 anymore. Fathers are just as important as mothers. And if you take the time to do some research you will find (as if anyone really need to do research to prove the truth of this statement)  fathers play just as an important role in a child’s life from birth on as a mother does.

I’ve always said women would rule the world if we stopped picking on each other. You don’t see men shaming other men because they are too fat or too skinny. They don’t shame each other because their wives chose to bottle feed over breastfeeding. They don’t shame each other when dinner is take out rather than a home-cooked meal. No, they unite. They act as a team.

Ladies, we’ve had how many thousands of years to learn this lesson? Support your fellow women. Support the choices they make for their lives and their families’ lives. It is their life after all and I am 100% positive there has never been nor will there ever be a perfect mother. So be quiet unless you can say something nice and supportive.

Posted in Uncategorized

How do you box up a life?

Posted on by Dede

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I am moving again. This is my sixth move in four years. I have gone from 4200 sq feet and financial security to 1000 sq feet wondering if I will be forced to live in my car.

I find moving under these circumstances to be both emotionally and physically exhausting. I’ve lost important sentimental things, my grandmother’s locket, the wedding portrait of my ex and me, the cake topper from my parent’s wedding which has graced four cakes, 3 generations of marriages. Mine is the only one to die after 30 years. While none of those items are worth much monetarily they all hold great sentimental value.

I’ve struggled with finding where I belong. I don’t belong in Flower Mound (DFW area) anymore. I don’t belong in Austin. I don’t belong in Las Vegas where I went to high school and college. I don’t belong in Temple where my daughter and son-in-law are living. They will be leaving in 2019.

I feel like a ship with no rudder or home port. I have worked to accept my new life. Not having a place to call home, a place to belong makes it much more of a challenge. I am thinking of taking a poll via the blog, Instagram and Twitter. Let someone else decide because I don’t have a clue.