Category: Experience

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Uncategorized

Where are the Resources

Posted on by Dede

img_3851

I have found resources if you are a woman who has been beaten by your husband and living in a shelter. I have found resources for drug addicts, alcohols, sexual predators, people with anger management issues and resources for those who have been employed and now find themselves unemployed. AARP boasts on national television how they can help you “Re-imagine your Life.” The problem is AARP makes the assumption you have been an employed adult for most of your life and now you want to pursue a passion rather than just a way to pay to the bills and keep a roof over your head.

Where are the resources for women over 50 who stayed home with their children only to be thrown in the trash by their self-centered, egomaniac husbands who believe a younger woman will keep them from aging. (The irony is the younger the woman, the older he actually looks.) I’ve hunted. I’ve searched. I have had no luck. Because I am a college educated woman who chose to give 30 years of her life to her family, I don’t qualify. Everyone makes the assumption a college degree is the answer. They are wrong.

If I hear one more time, “Oh you are so smart and have so much to offer, I think I’ll puck on the spot. Clearly whatever it is I have to offer, no one is hiring. And no service organization wants to help because I don’t fit their “demographic”. So like many other women who gave their life to their family, I will in 8 weeks find myself homeless. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke and I don’t do drugs. I am college educated but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.

 

Posted in Blogging, book, choices, communication, divorce, Experience, Uncategorized

Sounds of Silence

Posted on by Dede

Image result for silence

Demelza is one of my favorite characters from a book. You can find her in Poldark by Winston Graham. She lived near the Cornwall coast in the late 18th century. She lived so close she could hear the waves breaking against the rocks and shore. What else would she have heard? Birds, the wind, Garrick barking, horse hooves, distant voices, Ross in the library, servants in the kitchen, her children? Certainly she didn’t live in a silent world but she also didn’t live in a world where she was constantly bombarded with artificially created sounds which we live with now.

I live alone. Until my divorce in January 2013, I had never lived alone. I had been alone for several days at a time but always knew someone would be returning. During that time I enjoyed the quiet. It was refreshing. Now, the silence is oppressive. I feel as thought I am in a room and the walls are closing in. My apartment is wound proofed well so except for the occasional thump from my upstairs neighbors, I don’t hear anything. I listen. I sit in the quiet and nothing. It’s too hot to open the windows and even if I did I would hear man-made sounds. So I keep the TV on if I am home. The sound fills up the space. I don’t feel so alone.

I don’t think we realize how much constant noise is in our lives until it is gone. And I don’t think we realize the importance of sounds whether they are nature’s music or man-made sound. a lot has been written about the effect sound can have on our spirit. I read that repeatedly listening to sad music can dampen your mood. And when non-communicating Alzheimer’s patients were given headphones and the tunes of their youth played, the awareness of their surroundings increased and their mood were improved.

I believe one reason Demelza was infused with a happy spirit was because she absorbed everything around her, the sounds and the sites. So in the spirit of living like Demelza, I am going to try to fill my empty air with sounds that make me happy whether that is music, an audio book, a nature CD or even my favorite TV show. And I am also going to take time to enjoy the peace and quiet I have been given at this time in my life.

 

 

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, love, relationships

Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

Posted on by Dede

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before? Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking cla…

Source: Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

Posted in Experience, Faith, Uncategorized

God didn’t take me to Rome

Posted on by Dede

https://youtube.com/watch?v=5g0z8x3x6Uk%3Ffeature%3Dplayer_embedded

Luke 24:1–3 (ESV) But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.This week I have been thinking…

via But This Isn’t Rome! — Out of the Boat with Jesus

Posted in choices, depression, Experience, friendship, Uncategorized

Depression kills

Posted on by Dede

I read this article about an obituary making the rounds on Facebook. I am not on Facebook because like depression it lies. While Facebook portrays an unrealistic life standard which we want to obtain, depression lies because it blinds us to the truth. Depression tells me I am not lovable. I am not worthy. It says no one wants me. It says I have nothing to offer. Intellectually I understand, emotionally I am still blind. Read the link and educate yourself. The life you save may be someone you love.

Depression Kills by Regina Brett

Posted in Experience, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing

Encouragement

Posted on by Dede

Today I received encouragement from a group of strangers. At a coffee shop in Austin a group of would be writers were encouraged by already published writers. Competition is at the forefront of everything so many of us do. And here I had the kindness of others bestowed upon me for nothing. It was free. And it was refreshing.

Now the challenge is to silence the inner critic and write. No need to ask would someone actually read a story I wrote. Just write the story. Get it down on paper. Fine tune it when I’m finished but as Nike says, Just do it.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, fear, Uncategorized

What Abusers Hope We Never Learn About Trauma Bonding

Posted on by Dede

By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]

https://psychopathresistance.wordpress.com/2016/03/20/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-tauma-bonding/

Posted in Experience, Uncategorized, WordPress

Spring is in the air 

Posted on by Dede

 

 
Living in Austin, Texas we don’t have four seasons unless you consider a week or two of 50 degree weather winter. What we do have are three very short seasons and one very long one. So I’m doing my best to enjoy the quickly passing spring. Because today my friend it is expected to be 90 degrees Fahrenheit  or 32.2 Celcius. Either way that is much too warm on the 14th day of March.

I remember how invigorating and inspiring spring was when I lived up north. After being shut away for 2-4 months, buried under snow, fighting the sub zero weather while waiting outside for the bus, enjoying the snow on the good days, it was a ray of sunshine when the first robin was spotted. It heralded a celebration. We knew flowers would be peeking their heads above ground and trees would be soon dressed in their most colorful spring best. It gave me a much needed burst of energy.

When almost everyday ranges from 60-80 F🌞 (15.5 to 26.6 c) spring just seems like any other day. Rather than spring having a sense of renewal, it signals the countdown to 🌪⛈ and the oppressive and miserable 🔥 heat. We know there will be many nights 🌑  where the thermometer doesn’t go below 80F. (26.6c) Where a simple five minute walk means you need a shower and carefully coiffed hair is either now flat or if curly has exploded to triple its size.

You don’t see people out between 10am and 8pm. Everyone stays inside unless they are fortunate to have a pool 🏊🏼 and even then you must watch the UV index so you don’t fry your skin.

People who live with oppressive winters ☃ think southerners are wimps. Southerners think northerners exaggerate. As someone who has lived in both extremes (went to school at -36f or -37c 🌨and went to high school when it was 105f or 41c 💥 and it was too hot to touch my outdoor locker, I can assure you anyplace where one extreme dominates it’s not any fun.

Posted in Experience, Faith, fear, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Deliverance from Evil

Posted on by Dede

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4Why would a shepherd lead his sheep through “the valley of the shadow of death?”   The answer is quite simple. He is taking his flock…

http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/03/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd.html

Posted in book, divorce, Experience, God, novels, Uncategorized, WordPress

What’s Next?

Posted on by Dede

  
What’s next for me? I have just five weeks to find a job. If I don’t I will have to give notice and not renew my lease. My things will go into storage and I will move in with my mother. As much as I love my mother, I want to be self sufficient. If anyone had told me three years post divorce I would still be unemployed, I never would have believed them.

My therapist says to write. He says to write the book that’s been hidden away inside of me. He’s encouraged me to try and grow my blog following. I like to write but how do we know if we have something to say? How do we know if we have a story to tell? I’ve voiced the speculation that maybe God wants me to write and that’s why I haven’t found a job. Sadly I don’t really believe that. It’s just a way I’ve tried to make myself feel better.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, certainly not I. All I can do is weather the storm and pray that eventually I see sunshine and a rainbow.

Posted in choices, communication, Experience, Faith, Uncategorized

Sounds of Life 

Posted on by Dede

 

Have you noticed how we are rarely without man made noise in our life? It’s cars, horns, TVs, radio, MP3 player, airplanes etc. There is always noise. Even inside a home there are the sounds of clocks ticking or a washing machine going. Most of us don’t take the opportunity or I should say make the opportunity to sit in silence.

Having lived alone now for a few years, I find I leave the TV on even if I’m not watching it. I find the silence in my apartment can be deafening. The longing for the sound of a another person near by is sorely missed. I think about what life was like before the advent of so many man-made noises. No telephones ringing. No alarms going off. No beeps or tweets. 

All this noise is a stimulant and it keeps us from stopping to hear the sounds of nature, our hearts, our souls and God. But sitting in complete silence is a challenge for me and I think it’s a challenge for the modern world. But ultimately it’s one we need to rise to and embrace.

Posted in divorce, Experience, God, Uncategorized, WordPress

And the door remains closed

Posted on by Dede

  
Received an email today that said I didn’t get the job. I’ve been looking for three years 2 months. Everyone is full of suggestions and trust me, I’ve tried them all. God clearly has plans for me that currently don’t include working. I hope He knows I have very limited time to find a job. If I don’t get something that pays at least $40,000 a year, I will have to store all of my furniture and personal belongings. Then I will move about 1600 miles away and in with my mom.

Now I love my mom but I’m an adult woman who hasn’t lived at home for 34 years. Her home is small and full of her things. She shouldn’t have to readjust her entire home to accommodate me. 

I feel ashamed and humiliated. After 30 years of marriage, followed by 3 years of divorce I still can’t support myself. No matter how often and how long I pray, I can’t seem to figure out God’s purpose in this. Why would he leave me unable to support myself? I don’t understand.

I have less than two months to find something. Mid-April I have to give my notice at my apartment and without a job I will have to leave when my lease is up. 

Posted in Blogging, choices, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, friends, friendship, Health, help, Hiding, love, marriage, men, mistakes, Moving, New life, questions, relationships, sons, Uncategorized, values, women, WordPress, words, Writing

Fear, Silence, Homelessness

Posted on by Dede
homeless
–

We read stories everyday of women that have been abused by a man. And sadly these women tend to repeat bad choices and go from one bad relationship to another. For anyone with a solid self-esteem and self-worth, it is incredulous that any woman would stay in such a damaging relationship. Here is something that so many people fail to understand; the abuser rarely walks in and begins the abuse immediately. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. They go hand in hand but emotional abuse can happen without physical abuse. That is my story.

Why didn’t I share? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Slowly over time my sense of independence was destroyed. Over time the belief I was lovable was destroyed. Day by day comments, looks, turning things around so I would begin to question myself believing somehow I caused him to cheat and having my concerns being dismissed and ignored regularly created a complete sense of instability. If my ex-husband was home I was always tied up in knots because I was worried I wasn’t making him happy. When he was out-of-town I was tied up in knots because I worried about what he was doing. Should I have left years ago? Of course, but he didn’t reveal his true-self all at once. He did it slowly over time. Think of a bucket being filled by one drop of water at a time. It takes a long time before the bucket overflows. So don’t judge your friend who finds herself in my position. Listen to her. Don’t rebuke her for not leaving sooner. Hug her. Offer support anyway you can. Don’t exclude her because she is no longer a couple. And certainly do NOT remain friends with her abusive ex-husband.

If I could give advice to any woman who is living with a narcissist, it would be to read as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists manipulate their victims. I would encourage her to find someone to share any secrets i.e. his cheating, his addictions, his crimes. Had I come forward the first time I found out what he was doing, I might have received support from my friends. However the shame he created in me, kept me silent. Silence is a killer. It kills your spirit. So speak up. Leaving is scary. I am facing homelessness at 56 because I was a stay-at-home mom and with no full-time work experience since 1984, I can’t get any business to take a chance on me.

Why do I write about this again? I write about this again because I can’t just dump the over-flowing bucket of abuse. It leaves as slowly as it came. Now I have a small hole in the bottom of the bucket and daily a little more of it drains out. It is just going to take time, a lot of time. Sadly I don’t have time when it comes to a job. While my ex enjoys a life in the lap of luxury, ignores his children and pretends he never destroyed lives, I work to survive and they learn to accept life as fatherless children.

Posted in communication, Experience, family, Fun, Goal, Uncategorized, words, Writing

3rd Time the Charm?

Posted on by Dede

camera

I signed up for informal education at UT. The beginning DSLR photography class began last Monday. The class isn’t too large but except for me and one man, no one in the class is over 30. I definitely felt singled out due to age. The instructor kept asking me if I was of understanding the technology. I realize I do remember things that most of the class have never even used. (cassette tapes, instamatic cameras, VHS tapes, phone book etc.) When the instructor mentioned ISO just the two of us had any idea what it was and how it was used. I always had ISO 100, 200 and 400 film on hand. I have a large box of negatives and boxes of photos.

I commented that with digital photography, I rarely have photos printed and because of that, I never really look at any of the memories I captured. My daughter did find a great app called Artifact Uprising. It is an easy to use app that allows you to upload photos of your choice and make great photo books. I’ve used one of the better known sites but I like the look and feel of the Artifact Uprising book better. I ordered a 5.5 x 5.5 soft cover photo book. I had photos from my three months in Tours, France but I wasn’t enjoying them because they were on my computer. I did it all from my Iphone too. You can go to their website Artifact Uprising Now I can enjoy my photos.

Since I titled this 3rd times the charm, it is because this is the 3rd time I’ve taken beginning DSLR photography. I hope this time it sinks in and I take the time to record memories and moments through pictures. Because when I am long gone, they will remain as a doorway into my life for future generations.

toursbook

Posted in Blogging101, Experience, Faith, family, friends, friendship, Fun, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized

Is your church friendly or inviting?

Posted on by Dede

welcomechurch

Since relocating three years ago, I have been visiting churches. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve visited. They include churches of all sizes and denominations. I remember thinking my church (where I was involved prior to my divorce) was friendly and what I have learned is that friendly and inviting are not the same thing. Every church I’ve been to has some moment either before or during the service to greet the people around you. At a few churches no one has approached me. At most churches people shake my hand and say hello but that is the end of the moment. At only two churches have members taken the time to introduce themselves, ask a question or two about me and then invite me to join them in some additional activity. I even had a couple offer to walk with me to their Sunday School Class. I had a woman offer to pay for me to attend their women’s dinner when she find out I was unemployed. Guess which churches I liked the best?

Shaking someone’s hand and saying hello doesn’t cut it. It is difficult enough to walk into a church not knowing a soul, especially when you are alone.  I remember being comfortable at my church and being involved. In the beginning I was great at seeking out and inviting new people to join me in Sunday School or a Bible Study or a women’s group or a family event. But over time, like most people, I became complacent. I am learning first hand how not reaching out beyond a handshake makes a visitor feel excluded and unwanted.

When you are busy chitchatting with your friends about an upcoming event, I am left standing there twiddling my thumbs praying the pastor hurries up and tells us to sit down. A visitor is a fish out of water. A handshake and hello does not invite them in for a swim. Now some of you may be saying I need to make an effort and just join a group. While that thought is nice in theory, in practice there are very few people that will actually on their own step out of their comfort zone and join a group. For most people just being brave enough to visit a church is placing them way outside their comfort zone. It is up to the church members to reach out and invite the visitors to experience their church on a deeper and more personal level. Don’t say to yourself, well we have a committee to do that. Or we have people that do a follow up call. It is the responsibility of every believer to try and make that connection.

So next time you have those moments to greet people or share the peace, take the time to get their name and find something out about them. If you don’t have time, make sure you get them before they walk out of the sanctuary. Invite them to something. Get their email, give them your email. Get out of your comfort zone and make your church not just a friendly place but an inviting place.

Posted in Blogging, choices, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, fashion, Goal, God, men, New life, people, Uncategorized, women, WordPress, Writing

I am How Old?

Posted on by Dede

  
Today I took a break get in sewing and turned on a Hallmark movie. The cast list said Willie Ames was in it. In the above photo he is the boy on the far right and if my memory serves me right, he was a teen heartthrob. And here he was playing the father of an adult daughter. He has  gray hair and wrinkles! How could that be? So I looked him up on IMDB (internet movie database) and there in black and white it says he is 55.

55, he can’t be 55 because I’m only …. wait, I’m 56. How did that happen? I could have sworn I was 36 or maybe 46, but no. Right there on my driver’s license it says I am 56. I’m no fool. I know I look my age but I definitely don’t feel my age. Now I don’t feel like a teenager but I certainly don’t feel 56, whatever that is supposed to feel like. I know I don’t feel old enough to get a senior discount or an AARP discount.

I will admit that sometimes I will use age as an excuse. It’s a feeble one. Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first book at 65. Grandma Moses started painting at 70.  Julia Child didn’t begin her TV career until age 51. Vera Wang didn’t enter fashion until 40. Carol Gardner of Zelda Wisdom a $50 million greeting card business didn’t start until she was 52. And there is a long list of people that were busy succeeding and living at 90 and beyond. 

So I have to remove age from the table of excuses. It is no longer a card I can play. (Unless of course I can get a discount). 🙂

Posted in Blogging, choices, divorce, Dreaming, Experience, Faith, friends, friendship, help, love, movie, New life, Uncategorized, WordPress, Writing, Writing 201, writing lessons

Living Life as just One

Posted on by Dede

 

Living Life as 1

Yesterday I received a survey from Austin Trail of Lights asking me about my experience. There was one question asking who I came with and how many people there were. They had one HUGE error. There was no selection for anyone who might have gone alone. It was assumed that to go you wouldn’t go alone.

I find this mentality is pervasive in our society. Even when you go online to book a room at a hotel, it is automatically set to 2 people. Restaurant hosts look at you odd when you say just 1. The movie ticket booth isn’t any different. I’ve taken to buying my tickets online to avoid the odd stare.

There is a difference between being alone and lonely. I was lonely when I was married. Even though someone shared my bed, my home, my life it was hollow and empty. I wasn’t alone but I was desperately lonely. I don’t mind going places alone. I have traveled alone because I didn’t want to wait to see places and experience new things. That being said, I do get lonely. It’s not easy making friends especially at this age. I have no home which means no neighbors. I have no children in school so no classmate parents. I don’t have a spouse’s co-workers or a job of my own with co-workers. Churches aren’t generally friendly places. I know they like to think differently but typically there is nothing more than a nod or a quick handshake. Very few are willing to go the extra mile and reach out.

I pray I don’t spend the rest of my life alone but I can guarantee you either way I won’t be lonely.

Posted in Blogging, book, books, characters, communication, Dreaming, Experience, favorite, friends, New life, novels, Uncategorized, Writing, writing lessons

Saying goodbye to a good book

Posted on by Dede

Why do I always feel a little sad when I finish a good book? I should be happy to be finished and ready to move on to the next good read but unless it’s a sequel I never feel that way.

A good author can make the characters seem real. I become involved in their lives, sorrows and joys. Time, life situation and age are immaterial. I connect as much with a thirty year old single female trying to make it in New York City as much as I do with an angry Englishman in 1779. Then there is the love longing Mexican girl and the post World War II single, female author seeking the place she belongs, so different but I identify with both.

I wonder what happened to the newly divorced woman who gave herself and her soon to be ex husband a divorce party in a failed effort to save her marriage. Did she find love again? Or what about Demelza? Does she become a grandmother and Ross a grandfather? Did the abused wife heal her heart and soul once she was free?

I can go places I will never see and meet people from the beginning of time to present day and even people from the future.  I wonder could I possibly write about and share a story, a world and people? I just know my life would be one dimensional and gray without books.

Posted in Blogging, divorce, Experience, fear, Goal, help, New life, Uncategorized, WordPress

Crashing Wave

Posted on by Dede

  
I was hit by a crashing wave yesterday. It was totally unexpected. I had actually gotten up and went to church. It was small but definitely the friendliest one I’ve visited. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home.

I finished reading the latest book on my list and posted a review. I cleaned up my apartment. I made plans to go see my daughter this week. It was a good day and then out of the blue I was hit by a wave of depression.

It was unexpected and it hit hard. I was knocked for a loop. I began sending increasingly depressing texts to my younger daughter until she finally called her sister. Who in turn called me very upset.

Her tears were flowing and so were mine. I was sobbing. I was having trouble breathing. I had no explanation initially for why I had gone over the edge of sadness.

My therapist says I shouldn’t worry about a job right mow. Maybe he’s right but I need employment and not a $7.25/hr job cleaning toilets. I believe it’s my overwhelming sense of fear that I will end up homeless because I can’t find a decent job is what drives my depression. I would have fought for more when I divorced had I known AGE discrimination and discrimination against FULL-TIME STAY at HOME MOMS and WIVES was so prevalent. I’m smart. I learn quickly. I’m good with people. I have the skills required for the jobs I apply so why do I have an inbox full of Rejections? 

I am going to try an experiment. I am going to reapply for a job that recently sent me a basic rejection letter. I’m going to apply with my legal first name and maiden name then change all my dates by 30 years so I will be 26 rather than 56 and see what happens. My gut says I will be offered an interview. If so, it will be a clear case of age discrimination. If this happens I will contact an attorney.

It is sad I am having to go to such lengths to find a job. I will let know what happens.

Posted in Blogging, book, books, characters, choices, daughters, Dreaming, Experience, family, fictional, love, marriage, mistakes, novels, Uncategorized, women, WordPress

Like Water for Chocolate

Posted on by Dede

I read this book years ago and then watched the movie. I needed a third foreign language film to fulfill the Experience Passport task. I decided to see if I could find this movie and lucky me, it was available on Amazon Prime.

It is an interesting love story between the youngest daughter of a traditional family and a young man. Tita is forbidden by her mother to marry Pedro because as the youngest daughter she is required to stay unmarried and care for her mother until she dies. In order to stay near Tita, Pedro marries her sister. Of course she is broken-hearted.

She puts all her emotions into her cooking and in turn the food is filled with her emotions. The diners are affected by some mystical connection to Tita’s emotions. Strange things happen. Some sad, some funny.

In today’s busy world I think we often times forget the power of food. The power that a homecooked meal shared with family and/or friends can hold. It offers a chance for conversation and connection. Real connection and not a quick text message. I even have fallen into the trap of texting rather than actually picking up a telephone. Being in the midst of a major life change, I think the lesson I can learn from Like Water for Chocolate is that it’s important never to give up on family and love.