family – Page 2 – My life on an unexpected path

Blogging, choices, depression, family, fear, New life, Uncategorized

What drives your choices?

Posted on May 2, 2016 by Dede

Over these past few months, my counselor and I have discussed the choices I made in the past. He assures me I made the best choices for survival at the time. While that may be true, I have wondered what was behind the choices I made beside just surviving. And I had a personal revelation. Most, if not all, of my poor choices were driven out of a fear of rejection.

My life, prior to now, was not a journey driven by a confident woman. The driving force of my life was the fear of rejection and humiliation. My life was in a constant state of unbalance. Every time the person I was trying to please changed his/her mind, I had to rush to make sure my decision still made them happy. If it didn’t, then I needed to quickly make a change. By allowing my fear to drive my choices, I never built a strong sense of who I am and what makes me happy. I didn’t speak up. I kept my hurt feelings to myself out of fear of upsetting the other person. I pretended their words didn’t hurt my feelings. I raced around like mad when relatives were coming to visit and the stayed in a state of apprehension and fear. Why? Because I was eaten up with worry, I would be a disappointment. The ironic thing is I always felt as though I was a disappointment. Even if everything went smoothly and everyone was happy, I still felt like a failure because I always believed I could have done better or it was just a matter of time people would see the “real” me, the failure.

It is not always easy to be honest. It is not always easy to make a decision which goes against the tide (or family or friends or children). A person needs inner strength not to waver when a decision is questioned. So much of my life would be different if I had not been driven by the fear of rejection. I battle the fear of rejection and being alone every day. I take on the role of scapegoat. Pointing the finger of blame at myself calms my fear of someone else doing it and humiliating me. It gives me a sense of control when I assume everything is my fault. Sadly it doesn’t provide much opportunity for joy and peace in my life.

Change isn’t easy but it is worth the effort. Change has been a bumpy road. Change has challenged in ways I never anticipated. Change is scary. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. There is a reason “misery loves company” is universally understood. While I might be miserable, it is what I know and having you join me in what I know is less frightening than me leaving my miserable comfort zone.

divorce, Faith, family, fear, God, Uncategorized

53 days to go

Posted on May 1, 2016 by Dede

I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.

For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.

If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.

So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.

daughters, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

When your world changes

Posted on April 30, 2016April 30, 2016 by Dede

I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.

She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.

family, Uncategorized

Chrissy Teagan Mommy shamed

Posted on April 26, 2016 by Dede

I heard on the news, new mother Chrissy Teagan was being mommy shamed because she chose to go out to dinner a mere two weeks post delivery. Now someone please correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression baby Luna wasn’t conceived through immaculate conception. Baby Luna does actually have a father as well as a mother right? Chrissy was out to dinner with her husband, John Legend an equally new father but not one word was said about his departure from the sweet child. Only she was criticized.

Am I to understand it is acceptable for women to criticize new mothers about every choice they make? But new fathers are considered completely innocent and not responsible when they make the same choice as the new mother? Hello, we aren’t living in the dark ages or even 1950 anymore. Fathers are just as important as mothers. And if you take the time to do some research you will find (as if anyone really need to do research to prove the truth of this statement) fathers play just as an important role in a child’s life from birth on as a mother does.

I’ve always said women would rule the world if we stopped picking on each other. You don’t see men shaming other men because they are too fat or too skinny. They don’t shame each other because their wives chose to bottle feed over breastfeeding. They don’t shame each other when dinner is take out rather than a home-cooked meal. No, they unite. They act as a team.

Ladies, we’ve had how many thousands of years to learn this lesson? Support your fellow women. Support the choices they make for their lives and their families’ lives. It is their life after all and I am 100% positive there has never been nor will there ever be a perfect mother. So be quiet unless you can say something nice and supportive.

family, friends, God, New life, Uncategorized

Where do you belong?

Posted on April 7, 2016 by Dede

Do you know where you belong? Do you have a place that is home? I’m not talking about a house but a place where you feel totally accepted? A place where your heart finds comfort? A place where friends are family and family are friends?

I hope so because I can tell you not having a place to belong makes one heartsick. I thought I had found where I belonged but divorce cost me that community. Now alone, I am like a ship with no sails in the ocean of life. Ugh what a terrible metaphor but it describes how I feel.

I am not at home or comfortable where I went to high school and college. I’ve been gone almost 34 years and I only lived there for 8 years. My finances greatly limits where I can go buy even if I had unlimited resources, I don’t know where I’d go.

What makes you feel at home? What makes you feel accepted, part of the community? Do you have friends who are family and family who are friends? What brings you comfort? What makes you call your place home?

book review, family, friendship, Uncategorized

Porch Lights by Dorthea Benton Frank

Posted on February 19, 2016February 27, 2016 by Dede

Dorothea Benton Frank makes me want to pack my bags and move to Charleston, SC or one of the islands just of the coast. Her story is woven with the timelessness of loss, love, mother-daughter issues, growing up, and sadly dealing with an untimely death.
I do take issue though to her portrayal of Annie Britt, the 58 year old mother and grandmother in the book. She seems totally disconnected with technology. Now I can’t write computer programs but I do use technology on a daily basis and her portrayal of Annie as technologically inept aged her tremendously. Now I do worry about aging just like Annie. I never want to ask anyone how old I look for fear they will say something older than my 56 years.
Her daughter, Jackie and son Charlie come for a visit after the death of her fireman husband in a tragic fire related accident. Having made a life for herself in Brooklyn and in thand Army as a nurse, she has seen the worst the world has to offer. Charlie is ten and as expected has withdrawn since his father’s death.
Add in to th the mix, a beach front home with a porch, separated grandparents, a wise best friend, two rambunctious dogs and an attractive widowed doctor and with time, love and a hurricane a lot of healing happens.
I think I will put on my to do list, a trip to Charleston and the outer islands. My soul feels it’s pull.
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February 19, 2016Leave a replyEdit

The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty

The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty
img_0087.jpgSecrets, everyone has them. The question is what do we do with them and what do we do when we learn other people’s secret. This is a tale which I can relate. Cecilia has what she believes is a perfect life, a handsome husband, three wonderful daughters, a successful career and an active volunteer life. While that isn’t exactly a description of my life, it comes close. The there is Tess married with a son and extremely close to her cousin Felicity. Close as sisters they share all aspects of their lives. Rachel, a still grieving mom whose only daughter was murdered, now grieving the departure of her son, daughter-in-law and only grandson to New York City. This new grief catapults her into an obsessive belief the school PE teacher killed her daughter.
It all comes crashing down when each woman learns a secret. Each reacts differently but all causing more chaos in their
already damaged lives. Cecelia must decide if she should keep her husband’s secret. In making the choice to keep the ugly truth secret many lives are affected and changed forever. All three women’s lives are intertwined through St. Angela’s Catholic school. As each woman faces choices concerning a secret they struggle. What is the right thing to do versus the best thing for their families.
I understand how difficult it can be when you learn an ugly secret truth about your husband. Hindsight is 20/20. I can see how my choice to keep the ugly truth to myself, I caused damage to myself and my daughters. As difficult as it would have been to face it whe it happened, I would have been able to reach out for help. I could have avoided the deep sadness and depression during my marriage and post divorce. Secrets destroy a soul. That’s is what Cecilia learned. That is what Tess learned. It is what Rachel learned. It’s a lesson I took a long time to learn.
Liane Moriarty has an ease in her writing that captures what most of are honking. Whe. Cecilia thinks to herself, I can hear myself rambling and chattering but I can’t stop. I talk when I’m nervous, I thought that’s me”! When Tess wondered what she was lacking that caused her husband to look elsewhere, that was me. And when Rachel becomes obsessed with “justice” and “vengeance” that was me too. Life in Melbourne, Australia isn’t very different than life here in Texas.
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February 14, 2016Leave a replyEdit

The Fortune Hunter by Daisy Goodwin
I didn’t realize when I purchased this book it was based on a true story. Interestingly it had a decidedly modern problem. Empress Elizabeth of Austria was considered at the time, late 19th century, the most beautiful woman in the world. She had been empress since she was 16, had hair that hung below her knees and was a consummate horsewoman. However she also was under constant public scrutiny. Like royalty and stars of today, she was unable to move about freel. She always felt like she was on display.
Elizabeth, known to intimates as Sisi, spends hunting season in England. There she meets Bay Middleton through Earl of Spencer (yes Princess Diana’s great great grandfather). He was her pilot, a guide for the hunt. Charlotte Baird, a young heiress has fallen in love with Bay who has become a favorite of the Empress.
The story is a fictional account based on historical facts. Money, power, love, politics all come into play. Just like today private lives aren’t so private and the insecurity women feel over aging and beauty is as prevalent today as it was then. I enjoyed this book especially knowing it was based on facts.
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February 4, 2016Leave a replyEdit

There’s cake in my future

There’s cake in my future by Kim Gruenenfelder
cake-charm-pull
Melissa, Seema and Nicole are three friends who share their life joys and struggles with each other. Nicole is engaged, ready to marry the man of her dreams when his ex-wife decides Nicole and Jason they must care for their two young daughters making Nicole not just a newlywed but a full-time mom. Seema is secretly in love with her best friend, Scott, but can’t bring herself to make a move on him. Melissa just learned her boyfriend of six years has been cheating on her and ends the relationship. Different struggles but all centered around love.
While I am a generation older than the women in this book, I can relate to struggles concerning love. In fact there is a passage by Melissa that speaks directly to me. “I’m not only mourning the old relationship, I’m mourning the future I thought I was going to have. The future I’d been planning for. (for me personally-it was the future I was promised). Fighting for. Counting on. I counted on something, and I lost. I fought hard for something and I lost. I don’t understand why the universe is allowing Fred (Doug) to be rewarded for his betrayal. For his lies. Why should he be loved when I am alone? While he gets off scot-free, I suffer the heartbreak. He smokes-I get lung cancer.”
This obviously chick-lit but I often wonder how much men could learn about women if they read one chick-lit book a year. They are like windows into the minds of most women. While they aren’t 100% accurate and all women don’t think exactly like women do in chick-lit books, there are enough similarities, it seems to me if you want to understand your girlfriend or wife, read a chick-lit book.
I’ve read a Keep Calm and Carry a big Drink first and it is a sequel to this book. If you can read them in order do so. It was a fun read but it also invoked deep emotions for me because of what the character Melissa had to go through. Sadly I haven’t had the happy ending she found but then again I am 24 years older than she is.
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January 29, 2016Leave a replyEdit

Style Isn’t Easy by Olivia Goldsmith

hangers-569364_640
I read this book years ago and recently found it in a box. I decided it was time for a reread. Olivia Goldsmith is better known for First Wives Club. However this little book has proven its value over and over. And if I were smart, I would carry it around with me at all times or at least keep a list of the most important points. I would have saved a lot of money.
How many times have I stood in my closet, filled with clothing and thought to myself I have nothing to wear? More times than it is possible to count. Why is that? Why would a woman with a closet full of clothes have nothing to wear?
The clothes don’t fit well.

Buttons are missing.

Belts are missing.

Is it still in style?

Are the clothes appropriate to the occasion?

Are they too young for me?

Are they too old for me?

How do I accessorize what I have so I don’t look boring?

The list could go on and on. Olivia tackles the question of why the American woman is always agonizing over why she has nothing to wear. The answer is simple. We have too many choices. We don’t plan. We don’t care for our clothing appropriately because we leave things like missing buttons unfixed. We buy on whims. We buy on sale. We buy to make ourselves feel better. We buy for all the wrong reasons.
The biggest takeaways for me from the book are the following:
Try everything on. If it doesn’t fit give it away

Examine the remaining pieces and take care of any repairs needed

Separate items by color and piece (pants with pants)

Then either alone or with a friend put together outfits and hang your outfits in your closet. So you might have 5-7 days of outfits already put together and ready to go.

Once you have your outfits together, decide if something is needed like a scarf, a belt etc.

Determine if you are missing a staple piece i.e. a good white shirt

Write down what you specifically need, NOT WANT, and DO NOT BUY anything that is NOT on this list. A bargain that is worn only once is not truly a bargain.

Buy only clothing that fits well. Take it to a tailor if necessary.

One last comment. I read an article by a professor from the University of North Texas. It was eye opening concerning sizes. In the end if you don’t like what the tag says, but it fits well, buy it and cut out the tag. You can read her article here. Just a small spoiler – there can be as must as a 13 inch difference between two pairs of pants marked the same size. The deception of sizing

The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Dede

Secrets, everyone has them. The question is what do we do with them and what do we do when we learn other people’s secret. This is a tale which I can relate. Cecilia has what she believes is a perfect life, a handsome husband, three wonderful daughters, a successful career and an active volunteer life. While that isn’t exactly a description of my life, it comes close. The there is Tess married with a son and extremely close to her cousin Felicity. Close as sisters they share all aspects of their lives. Rachel, a still grieving mom whose only daughter was murdered, now grieving the departure of her son, daughter-in-law and only grandson to New York City. This new grief catapults her into an obsessive belief the school PE teacher killed her daughter.

It all comes crashing down when each woman learns a secret. Each reacts differently but all causing more chaos in their already damaged lives. Cecelia must decide if she should keep her husband’s secret. In making the choice to keep the ugly truth secret many lives are affected and changed forever. All three women’s lives are intertwined through St. Angela’s Catholic school. As each woman faces choices concerning a secret they struggle. What is the right thing to do versus the best thing for their families.

I understand how difficult it can be when you learn an ugly secret truth about your husband. Hindsight is 20/20. I can see how my choice to keep the ugly truth to myself, I caused damage to myself and my daughters. As difficult as it would have been to face it whe it happened, I would have been able to reach out for help. I could have avoided the deep sadness and depression during my marriage and post divorce. Secrets destroy a soul. That’s is what Cecilia learned. That is what Tess learned. It is what Rachel learned. It’s a lesson I took a long time to learn.

Liane Moriarty has an ease in her writing that captures what most of are honking. Whe. Cecilia thinks to herself, I can hear myself rambling and chattering but I can’t stop. I talk when I’m nervous, I thought that’s me”! When Tess wondered what she was lacking that caused her husband to look elsewhere, that was me. And when Rachel becomes obsessed with “justice” and “vengeance” that was me too. Life in Melbourne, Australia isn’t very different than life here in Texas.

Blogging, choices, daughters, depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, fear, friends, friendship, Health, help, Hiding, love, marriage, men, mistakes, Moving, New life, questions, relationships, sons, Uncategorized, values, women, WordPress, words, Writing

Fear, Silence, Homelessness

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Dede

We read stories everyday of women that have been abused by a man. And sadly these women tend to repeat bad choices and go from one bad relationship to another. For anyone with a solid self-esteem and self-worth, it is incredulous that any woman would stay in such a damaging relationship. Here is something that so many people fail to understand; the abuser rarely walks in and begins the abuse immediately. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. They go hand in hand but emotional abuse can happen without physical abuse. That is my story.

Why didn’t I share? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Slowly over time my sense of independence was destroyed. Over time the belief I was lovable was destroyed. Day by day comments, looks, turning things around so I would begin to question myself believing somehow I caused him to cheat and having my concerns being dismissed and ignored regularly created a complete sense of instability. If my ex-husband was home I was always tied up in knots because I was worried I wasn’t making him happy. When he was out-of-town I was tied up in knots because I worried about what he was doing. Should I have left years ago? Of course, but he didn’t reveal his true-self all at once. He did it slowly over time. Think of a bucket being filled by one drop of water at a time. It takes a long time before the bucket overflows. So don’t judge your friend who finds herself in my position. Listen to her. Don’t rebuke her for not leaving sooner. Hug her. Offer support anyway you can. Don’t exclude her because she is no longer a couple. And certainly do NOT remain friends with her abusive ex-husband.

If I could give advice to any woman who is living with a narcissist, it would be to read as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists manipulate their victims. I would encourage her to find someone to share any secrets i.e. his cheating, his addictions, his crimes. Had I come forward the first time I found out what he was doing, I might have received support from my friends. However the shame he created in me, kept me silent. Silence is a killer. It kills your spirit. So speak up. Leaving is scary. I am facing homelessness at 56 because I was a stay-at-home mom and with no full-time work experience since 1984, I can’t get any business to take a chance on me.

Why do I write about this again? I write about this again because I can’t just dump the over-flowing bucket of abuse. It leaves as slowly as it came. Now I have a small hole in the bottom of the bucket and daily a little more of it drains out. It is just going to take time, a lot of time. Sadly I don’t have time when it comes to a job. While my ex enjoys a life in the lap of luxury, ignores his children and pretends he never destroyed lives, I work to survive and they learn to accept life as fatherless children.

communication, Experience, family, Fun, Goal, Uncategorized, words, Writing

3rd Time the Charm?

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Dede

camera

I signed up for informal education at UT. The beginning DSLR photography class began last Monday. The class isn’t too large but except for me and one man, no one in the class is over 30. I definitely felt singled out due to age. The instructor kept asking me if I was of understanding the technology. I realize I do remember things that most of the class have never even used. (cassette tapes, instamatic cameras, VHS tapes, phone book etc.) When the instructor mentioned ISO just the two of us had any idea what it was and how it was used. I always had ISO 100, 200 and 400 film on hand. I have a large box of negatives and boxes of photos.

I commented that with digital photography, I rarely have photos printed and because of that, I never really look at any of the memories I captured. My daughter did find a great app called Artifact Uprising. It is an easy to use app that allows you to upload photos of your choice and make great photo books. I’ve used one of the better known sites but I like the look and feel of the Artifact Uprising book better. I ordered a 5.5 x 5.5 soft cover photo book. I had photos from my three months in Tours, France but I wasn’t enjoying them because they were on my computer. I did it all from my Iphone too. You can go to their website Artifact Uprising Now I can enjoy my photos.

Since I titled this 3rd times the charm, it is because this is the 3rd time I’ve taken beginning DSLR photography. I hope this time it sinks in and I take the time to record memories and moments through pictures. Because when I am long gone, they will remain as a doorway into my life for future generations.

toursbook

Blogging101, Experience, Faith, family, friends, friendship, Fun, God, Jesus, love, Moving, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized

Is your church friendly or inviting?

Posted on January 25, 2016January 25, 2016 by Dede

Since relocating three years ago, I have been visiting churches. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve visited. They include churches of all sizes and denominations. I remember thinking my church (where I was involved prior to my divorce) was friendly and what I have learned is that friendly and inviting are not the same thing. Every church I’ve been to has some moment either before or during the service to greet the people around you. At a few churches no one has approached me. At most churches people shake my hand and say hello but that is the end of the moment. At only two churches have members taken the time to introduce themselves, ask a question or two about me and then invite me to join them in some additional activity. I even had a couple offer to walk with me to their Sunday School Class. I had a woman offer to pay for me to attend their women’s dinner when she find out I was unemployed. Guess which churches I liked the best?

Shaking someone’s hand and saying hello doesn’t cut it. It is difficult enough to walk into a church not knowing a soul, especially when you are alone. I remember being comfortable at my church and being involved. In the beginning I was great at seeking out and inviting new people to join me in Sunday School or a Bible Study or a women’s group or a family event. But over time, like most people, I became complacent. I am learning first hand how not reaching out beyond a handshake makes a visitor feel excluded and unwanted.

When you are busy chitchatting with your friends about an upcoming event, I am left standing there twiddling my thumbs praying the pastor hurries up and tells us to sit down. A visitor is a fish out of water. A handshake and hello does not invite them in for a swim. Now some of you may be saying I need to make an effort and just join a group. While that thought is nice in theory, in practice there are very few people that will actually on their own step out of their comfort zone and join a group. For most people just being brave enough to visit a church is placing them way outside their comfort zone. It is up to the church members to reach out and invite the visitors to experience their church on a deeper and more personal level. Don’t say to yourself, well we have a committee to do that. Or we have people that do a follow up call. It is the responsibility of every believer to try and make that connection.

So next time you have those moments to greet people or share the peace, take the time to get their name and find something out about them. If you don’t have time, make sure you get them before they walk out of the sanctuary. Invite them to something. Get their email, give them your email. Get out of your comfort zone and make your church not just a friendly place but an inviting place.

Blogging, book, books, characters, choices, daughters, Dreaming, Experience, family, fictional, love, marriage, mistakes, novels, Uncategorized, women, WordPress

Like Water for Chocolate

Posted on January 10, 2016 by Dede

I read this book years ago and then watched the movie. I needed a third foreign language film to fulfill the Experience Passport task. I decided to see if I could find this movie and lucky me, it was available on Amazon Prime.

It is an interesting love story between the youngest daughter of a traditional family and a young man. Tita is forbidden by her mother to marry Pedro because as the youngest daughter she is required to stay unmarried and care for her mother until she dies. In order to stay near Tita, Pedro marries her sister. Of course she is broken-hearted.

She puts all her emotions into her cooking and in turn the food is filled with her emotions. The diners are affected by some mystical connection to Tita’s emotions. Strange things happen. Some sad, some funny.

In today’s busy world I think we often times forget the power of food. The power that a homecooked meal shared with family and/or friends can hold. It offers a chance for conversation and connection. Real connection and not a quick text message. I even have fallen into the trap of texting rather than actually picking up a telephone. Being in the midst of a major life change, I think the lesson I can learn from Like Water for Chocolate is that it’s important never to give up on family and love.

Blogging, characters, communication, family, fictional, marriage, movie, relationships, Uncategorized, WordPress

Helppo Elämä

Posted on January 5, 2016January 6, 2016 by Dede

Helppo elämä

Easy Living

As part of my Experience Passport I am watching 3 foreign language movies. I watched Farewell my Queen. It is a French film. But rather than selecting another movie, I decided to watch some episodes of a foreign TV show. As a subscriber to AcornTv, I chose Helppo elämä, a Finnish TV show.

Immediately I realized that nothing about the language sounded remotely familiar. Of course there are subtitles, but I didn’t expect the language to sound so “foreign”. I know that sounds silly but I’ve tried to learn French since I was 12 and I live in Texas so I hear Spanish everyday. I also hear variations of other languages but Finnish is definitely the most unique language I’ve heard.

I searched online and learned it is most closely related to Estonian and Hungarian. Now my ignorance of geography was highlighted. I had assumed because Finland is Scandinavian that the language would be related to Norwegian, Danish or Swedish. I pulled up a map and saw that Finland is just north of Estonia and a mere 240 miles (approximate). That is half the distance from Austin to El Paso. Now it made sense.

The storyline is unusual. It follows a family in which the father is a criminal because he has a 4 million € tax debt and therefore can’t hold a regular job. Each family member has problems including a strangely vindictive mother. What I have found most unusual aside from the language, is that everyone is white. Living in a multi-cultural and multi-racial country makes life like a beautiful quilt and each piece is different and unique. I’m not criticizing the show because there are a lot of countries that are not racially diverse. And as we have slowly learned in the US, television should be a reflection of the people. While we aren’t there yet, we do have more diversity now than when I was growing up a 1,000 years ago.

It’s been fun watching a culture that sounds so different but looks so similar in clothing, furnishings and autos. Lots of Volvos and VWs. Take a chance and view the world through a new and wider lens.

Helppo elämä

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Heart to head to Reality Misconnect

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Dede

Recently I read about the misconnect that happens when middle-aged adults enter into the online dating scene. I can’t remember where I read it but it was completely accurate.

The premise is that for most of us the last time we were dating, we were significantly younger probably in our 20s. I know it is true for me. There was no computer dating options. Now when we sign up and go online our head says I’m young. Our heart says I feel young. The same is true for men and women.

So we look at the photos and groan. These are old men. These are old women. This could be my dad or granddad. This could be my mom or my grandmother. I can’t possibly be in this age group, let me double check. Ugh it’s true. These old people are my contemporaries. It bites. It’s frustrating because society (yes it’s true whether you like it or not) give men much more leeway when choosing a partner. Men can easily marry someone much younger with little to no comment and they can marry down educationally and economically with no one saying a thing. My ex is a perfect example. He has partnered down in age, economics and education. He can because he is a man and he makes a lot of money. As I’ve always told my girls you never see a young woman with an old poor man. Money talks. Especially when it comes to dating and remarrying later in life. I suppose if I made a lot of money I would have a slightly broader choice but society still keeps women in a narrower role.

If I were to marry a younger man who had no children, people would feel bad for him because he was giving up his chance for children of his own. If I married someone with less education and less money, I would hear she must be desperate. I know times change but change is slow and I don’t believe this will change until women can have children into their 50s and 60s. An old man can marry a woman of child bearing age and still give her a family. The reverse is not true. And please do not lecture me on invitro, egg donation, adoption etc. This is an orange to orange comparison not an apple to orange one.

So I wasted $75 to join an online dating site where I now have my profile hidden. And I expect it to stay hidden until I can connect my young mind and heart to the reality of my age.

Blogging101, choices, communication, daughters, family, fear, friends, God, love, mistakes, New life, people, relationships, Uncategorized, vacation, words, Writing

Lessons to Unlearn #1

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Dede

I believe we are all aware that we learn lessons as we go through life. Some are obvious like; look both ways before crossing the street or foul language is not appropriate. But what about all of the lessons we learn unknowingly through our interactions with the people around us? For me lesson #1 to unlearn is:

Compliments people give you are never really genuine and can not be trusted to be true.

Growing up I don’t remember a time when I received a compliment that someone in my circle of family or friends didn’t find someway to discount what was said. If someone told me I was pretty and I shared that, I didn’t hear; I think so too or they are right or how lovely. I heard; well you could look like a monkey for all I know but I’d still love you. What does a child hear? The compliments can’t be trusted. I could give many examples but the point is I was taught to close myself off from any positive comments. I learned people don’t give genuine heartfelt comments and when I receive nice words, I should immediately disregard them.

How has this affected me? I have closed myself off from letting people love me. I’ve filtered out all the nice comments and have only let the criticism come through. No wonder I am so self criticial and struggle with believing in myself.

So for 2016, the first lesson I am going to teach myself is this;

Compliments given from people are genuine and can be trusted to be true.

choices, daily prompt, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, Jesus, love, marriage, men, mistakes, relationships, weddings, WordPress, Writing 201

Writing 201 Fallacy

Posted on December 14, 2015December 14, 2015 by Dede

Forsaking all others until death do us part

A lifetime of care and support

You stand by my side forgiving me my faults

The mother of my children

My faithful wife

An understanding friend

A loving daughter-in-law

Lover of God, follower of Jesus, community volunteer

A sensual and eager lover

Beautiful body

Beautiful soul

I will love you forever

The joke is on you, I cheated, I bought sex, I denied, I walked away and left you alone and financially destitute. I betrayed our family. I broke my daughters’ hearts. I left them behind and chose not to be their father. I stood before God and lied. Lied, lied, lied. I am Doug and I am a fallacy personified.

Experience, Faith, family, Fun, games, God, New life, relationships, Uncategorized, values, WordPress

Presents or Presence?

Posted on December 11, 2015December 15, 2015 by Dede

No, I didn’t misspell presence. I never thought about the fact that presents and presence are homophones. Two words with different spellings and meanings but pronounced the same way. I think there is significance in this discovery. Why? Because now at Christmas it is so easy to get focused on presents. I won’t lie. I love buying and giving gifts. To see the joy and excitement on my loved ones’ faces brings me such joy. But if I asked them to tell me what they got for Christmas last year they might be able to name one or two things but if I ask them what we did, I am certain they would remember.

Our shared worship experience, our shared Christmas Eve, our shared Christmas Day meal, opening presents together, a movie or games played, the funny family selfie, those are the things we remember. It is our presence together which makes the holiday memorable, not the gifts. Our celebration has undergone a change these last 3 years and it would be easy to focus on who was missing, but we have chosen to focus on who is present and the presence of Jesus. He is the focus of our Christmas.

It is His presence in our lives that adds a fullness and richness which no amount of presents could match. We may not have a perfect family or a perfect home but we have a perfect little baby, Jesus who isthe son of God andthe Prince of Peace. He came to save the world. He came to save me and you.

Merry Christmas and may 2016 find your life full of blessings and peace.

daily prompt, daughters, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, New life, poetry, Uncategorized, WordPress, writing101

Blurred Reflection

Posted on December 7, 2015 by Dede

When I look into the mirror who do I see?

Who is that woman looking at me?

Is it the girl who had big daydreams,

Of love, adventure and French sunbeams?

Is it the teenager who doubted every decision she made?

The insecure girl who found herself betrayed?

Is it the young woman in love and ready to embark on life?

Or the woman whose husband sliced her heart with a knife?

Is it the mother blessed with two compassionate girls

Who has the love from two of God’s precious pearls?

Is it the woman who is past her prime?

Watching the clock and hearing the tick tock of time?

Or is it the woman who has fought and struggled to reclaim her life?

Learning new lessons, knowledge and how to deal with strife?

One image placed upon another to reflect not just one woman’s soul

But a blending of each reflection so she can learn she’s not broken but whole.

daily prompt, Faith, family, love, marriage, poetry

Magic Poetry 101

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Dede

A serendipitous meeting

Brought about by a cloudy day

A moment caught but once in a lifetime

A lifetime caught in that moment

Enchanted

Spellbound by a kiss

Hearts intertwined

Lives slowly braided together one experience at a time

Strands of love added one child at a time

Life is magic

Simple moments linked together by the magic of love

The magic of life

communication, divorce, family, fear, friends, help, Hiding, marriage, people, Uncategorized

Who Knew?

Posted on December 5, 2015 by Dede

I’ve been a talker my entire life. So much so it’s become a reoccurring joke with my family and friends. I always thought I chattered away because I was nervous and wanted to fill the empty space. Recently another possibility was presented to me. Do I talk too much so I don’t have to recognize what I am feeling? Do I use words to cover up my emotions?

I think there is a real chance this is true. When I was married, knowing in my gut my husband wasn’t faithful and I struggled with insecurity, I talked. If was busy talking I didn’t have to admit I was feeling insecure and why. If I admitted my husband wasn’t faithful then I would have to do something about it.

When I am in a social setting and feel like a square peg in a round hole, I chatter. I don’t have to admit I’m feeling scared or worried about being accepted. The words delay having to deal with my emotions.

Just as some people withdraw into themselves to ignore their emotions, I talk over mine. It’s time I’m quiet and listen to the sounds of my heart.

Blogging, choices, communication, daily prompt, daughters, family, love, Uncategorized

Unexpected Visitors

Posted on November 18, 2015November 18, 2015 by Dede

10 pm: Bedtime

Toss and turn unable to get comfortable but my time was coming and I only had to wait until morning.

6 am: The alarm rings. I am awake because I never really fell asleep. I shake my husband out of his dreams and tell him we are due to arrive no later than 7 am.

6:15 am: A quick shower, get dressed, check my bag and tell my husband it is almost time to leave.

6:30 am: I call my parents and let them know we are leaving soon and to check on my daughter. She is still sound asleep.

6:40 am: It is still dark outside since it is a July day. The heat is stifling even at this hour. Though freshly showered, I can feel the sweat begin to bead and roll down my neck. I should have brought something to pull my hair back.

6:45 am: We leave for the short 15 minute drive.

7:00 am: I am dropped off and taken by wheelchair upstairs. My husband joins me as soon as he parks.

7:15 am: All checked in, ready to go but still apprehensive. This is my second time and just like last time I didn’t begin on my own. I needed help.

7:30 am: Dr. gives me a visit. Checks the pitocin drip. Contractions have begun. The Dr. guesses the baby will weigh between 7 and 8 pounds.

10:00 am: I ask for a pain reliever. Nurse gives me something but fails to tell me it is short term and won’t last more than 15 minutes.

10:15 am: Nurse suggests I make a bathroom run because she thinks it will be a long day.

10:30 am: Return to bed and tell nurse I need to push. She says there is no way because I wasn’t ready. I disagreed with her and said I NEED to push. Asked for more painkiller and was told it was too late.

11:05 am: Beautiful baby girl is born and I hear a round of applause. Putting my glasses on I realize there is a sea of faces in the birthing room. It was student nurse day and they just “happened” to stop in. Dr. guesses my new daughter weighs 9 lbs 13 oz. Official weight 10 lbs. Very good guess.

*** Lesson learned and shared with all mothers-to-be: If you do not want unexpected visitors in the birthing room, when you take your hospital tour and fill out paperwork ask if it is a teaching hospital and you want to specify you do not want students in your room. Every mother-to-be has been so happy I shared from my experience.

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