By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]
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Learning again
I started another informal class at the University of Texas tonight. It’s a French class and for beginners. I’ve taken French off and on for years but I’ve never been able to get beyond beginner.
I asked myself why and the answer is simple. It’s fear. Fear of sounding dumb. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of being tongue tied and making people frustrated. Fear. It’s why kids learn languages so quickly. They aren’t afraid of trying. They don’t worry about what other people think.
The class is too easy in some ways but when I try a group where people are fluent, I can’t keep up. So I have to find a way to learn and progress. I also have to walk a fine line and not be overbearing in this class. It’s easy to want to answer the questions because you know the answer. But I know how it feels to be totally lost in translation with people speaking at what sounds like lightening speed.
So as I give it a shot again, I hope it sticks and I don’t forget it and I hope I no longer worry about sounding stupid.
The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists
There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us. Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them. A – Amoral. Narcissists are […]
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/the-a-zs-of-everyday-malignant-narcissists/
Where is the path?
How do I know where to head when you can’t see the path? Faith requires to believe in what you can’t see. Do I not have enough faith because I want to see a glimpse of the path? To know that there is a path? If I believe God has plans for me, why am I so afraid of tomorrow, the next week, the rest of my life?
I keep thinking God won’t leave me without a way to support myself but in three years there has been no job offer. I wonder if God is giving me the time to write the book I always said I wanted to write? If that’s the case why can’t get focused and get beyond a few pages? Is planning a road trip if I don’t get a job offer just a way of pretending that I must give up and admit I’ve failed miserably at life?
I keep praying and asking God to give me a clear vision of the path he has planned for me. But I am still lost, lost in a deep fog that won’t lift. A job or no job determines what happens to my life next. I have just four short weeks and then it’s over. I must give my notice at my apartment and begin the ugly job of packing up my life and figuring out where to store it.
If God is listening or if God listens to you because it certainly feels like he is not listening to me, please pray that whatever happens I will have peace about it.
Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Goodness and Mercy Every Day
Psalm 23:6a“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”She has been looking for a new job. Right now she drives over an hour to work in traffic. She wants to work closer to home. She wants more time with her family. She wants to get more involved in the church. …
http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/03/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd-goodness.html
Stepping outside the comfort zone
I have taken photography lessons but never really have just gone out and taken photos. Thanks to Lady Bird Johnson , Texas is abloom with native wildflowers. Fields of flowers are protected from mowing. They can’t be mowed down until they’ve turned t seed. This insures the flowers return next year.
As I drive I see a sea of bluebonnets interspersed with buttercups. I can’t see these flowers and not think of my grandmother. I moved to Dallas in April 1985 and the weather had been perfect to produce a spectacular show of color. I remember her telling me the common names of all the flowers. It’s a poignant memory because she is no longer with us and the life I was starting in Dallas all those years ago was destroyed over time by choices of my ex.
Now I’m in Austin. A young and vibrant city where they love music, the environment, good food and life. I’m having to search for my youthful spirit because it was lost due to abuse and time. Can I turn back the internal clock and feel and be young again.
Spring is in the air
Living in Austin, Texas we don’t have four seasons unless you consider a week or two of 50 degree weather winter. What we do have are three very short seasons and one very long one. So I’m doing my best to enjoy the quickly passing spring. Because today my friend it is expected to be 90 degrees Fahrenheit or 32.2 Celcius. Either way that is much too warm on the 14th day of March.
I remember how invigorating and inspiring spring was when I lived up north. After being shut away for 2-4 months, buried under snow, fighting the sub zero weather while waiting outside for the bus, enjoying the snow on the good days, it was a ray of sunshine when the first robin was spotted. It heralded a celebration. We knew flowers would be peeking their heads above ground and trees would be soon dressed in their most colorful spring best. It gave me a much needed burst of energy.
When almost everyday ranges from 60-80 F🌞 (15.5 to 26.6 c) spring just seems like any other day. Rather than spring having a sense of renewal, it signals the countdown to 🌪⛈ and the oppressive and miserable 🔥 heat. We know there will be many nights 🌑 where the thermometer doesn’t go below 80F. (26.6c) Where a simple five minute walk means you need a shower and carefully coiffed hair is either now flat or if curly has exploded to triple its size.
You don’t see people out between 10am and 8pm. Everyone stays inside unless they are fortunate to have a pool 🏊🏼 and even then you must watch the UV index so you don’t fry your skin.
People who live with oppressive winters ☃ think southerners are wimps. Southerners think northerners exaggerate. As someone who has lived in both extremes (went to school at -36f or -37c 🌨and went to high school when it was 105f or 41c 💥 and it was too hot to touch my outdoor locker, I can assure you anyplace where one extreme dominates it’s not any fun.
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear
How I wish I could be one of the many characters I find in books. I’d love to be Demelza Poldark from the Winston Graham Poldark series. I’d like to be a female version of Inspector Armand Gamache by Louise Penny. It would be fabulous to be any of the female characters in Dorothea Benton Frank’s books chronicling the lives of the women of Charleston, South Carolina. And now I’d love to be Maisie Dobbs, investigator and psychologist.
Maisie has a rags to riches story. Having to enter a life of service after her mother dies because her devoted father struggles to support them as a costermonger. Now I had to look that word up. It is someone who sells fruits and vegetables from a cart. Living in Pre-WWI London, life isn’t easy but Maisie has an insatiable curiosity. Her deepest love is to learn and in order to do so, she rises at 3 am to spend two hours in the great house’s library. Secretly of course because as a servant she wouldn’t be allowed to use the books.
Through a course of events Maisie is swept into a life as the protégé of the mysterious Dr. Maurice Blanche and Lady Rowan Compton becomes her sponsor. She goes from servant girl to student at Girton College part of Cambridge. But her plans are interrupted with the start of WW I. Maisie feels called to serve as a nurse even though she has no training. Lying about her age so she can serve, Maisie begins the first of a long line of life changing experiences.
Why do I wish I could be Maisie? Because Maisie has been taught to sit, legs folded and find her center. Using this technique she calms her inner self and can see more clearly. She has the ability to listen and listen well, respecting the speaker. She understands the body says as much or more than simple words. And she knows her body language and expressions speaks volumes. Never seeing herself as having the incredible and outstanding qualities others see in her, Maisie struggles to find her place. She is no longer a member of the service class but neither is she a member of the upper social class. I feel like Maisie. I don’t know where I belong. I was a wife and mother and now I am no longer a wife and my children have grown so being a mother isn’t the same. My economic status has changed from one of comfort to one of struggle. Is there a place in this world for me, like there is a place in the world for Maisie?
A Meetup Group
Yesterday I went to a meetup group for writers struggling with a blank page. Most everyone there, except for me had written one or more novels. I can’t seem to get past the first page of two. It was suggested to not overthink anything. I should just let the words flow into the page.
I am hyper critical of myself believing everything I do is unworthy. And my current state of mine doesn’t help. Just to get out of bed is a challenge. My mail goes uncollected for a week. The state of my apartment is shameful but I don’t care. I’ve been unable to see any possibility of love and happiness in my future.
Writing does allow me to spread how I am feeling. However I have yet found a way to put a story to paper.
Three words
If you had to give three words to describe you, what would they be?
Gifts from the Crucified Shepherd – Deliverance from Evil
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4Why would a shepherd lead his sheep through “the valley of the shadow of death?” The answer is quite simple. He is taking his flock…
http://lwlutherland.blogspot.com/2016/03/gifts-from-crucified-shepherd.html
It’s over
I’m throwing in the towel. God has sent me a very clear message and it’s time I give up. My husband dumped me after I forgave him time and time again for betraying me and our vows. He has gone on to a younger girlfriend although she looks like the wicked witch of the west. He bought her a house nicer than anything he ever bought me and he spend more time with her brats than he ever spent with his own daughters. In fact he has completely disowned them and so have his parents? Why you ask? Because they refuse to interact with a man who is an alcoholic and sexual deviant.
I’ve sought employment for three years and every time the door slams in my face. I received two more rejections yesterday. I’m done. I want nothing more to do with anything and anyone. My girls while they struggle financially have strong self esteem and deep faith in God. Clearly a God who has chosen to abandon me. That’s fine. I accept it. I’m not going to fight it anymore.
Road Trip?
Since I haven’t been able to find employment, I’ve been considering a possible road trip. Financially I can make it happen since I will no longer have rent and the costs associated with renting. My mother has agreed to keep my cat. The question is do I go? Do I spend July, August and part of Septembern exploring? There are places I’d love to see. I have friends throughout the country so hotel costs would be kept at a minimum. I could write about my experiences.
Or is a road trip just putting off the envitable? I know I must work but facing more rejections seems overwhelming. To get one more email with thanks but we found someone better suited is more than I can handle right now. Three long years of drought. Am I that undesirable as an employee? Is it my age? A combination of age and the fact I was a stay at home mom? I need the tide to turn. I need something good to happen in my life.
I’ve finally reached a point where I’m not drowning in depression. I’m ready to face life as a middle aged divorcée. I might not like it but I can do it. I worry that the dark demon will resurface if something doesn’t go my way soon.
So maybe I will take a road trip and discover things I’ve yet to learn.
What’s Next?
What’s next for me? I have just five weeks to find a job. If I don’t I will have to give notice and not renew my lease. My things will go into storage and I will move in with my mother. As much as I love my mother, I want to be self sufficient. If anyone had told me three years post divorce I would still be unemployed, I never would have believed them.
My therapist says to write. He says to write the book that’s been hidden away inside of me. He’s encouraged me to try and grow my blog following. I like to write but how do we know if we have something to say? How do we know if we have a story to tell? I’ve voiced the speculation that maybe God wants me to write and that’s why I haven’t found a job. Sadly I don’t really believe that. It’s just a way I’ve tried to make myself feel better.
Who knows what tomorrow brings, certainly not I. All I can do is weather the storm and pray that eventually I see sunshine and a rainbow.
Double Standard Issue
Sally Field has a new movie being released this Friday, Hello, my name is Doris. It is the story of an older, eccentric woman who fantasizes about a relationship with a younger man. It is a comedy. Now why is the idea of an older woman and much younger man a comedy? Everyday Hollywood produces movies where the male and female stars have a significant age difference. The male star is much older than his female co-star but we are expected to believe they actually have a relationship. It’s not considered comedy.
If I were to list all of the Hollywood May-December marriages here I wouldn’t have room. Just this weekend Jerry Hall married Rupert Murdoch. There are about 25 years between them. I’m sure he’s an interesting fellow but no one will convince me his billions didn’t have something to do with her interest.
It’s one of those double standards that we must continue to fight. If we are to believe age is just a number and irrelevant then it has to be irrelevant when the woman is older. Personally I think when you choose a partner significantly younger than yourself you are afraid of a relationship with an equal. And no one believes a woman loves a man just for himself when there is a big age gap because how many young beautiful women do you see with old poor men?Money changes things. Money matters. And what I’ve never figured out is how blind men can be believing they appear younger with a young mate. The fastest way to look old is to stand next to someone much younger than you are.
Hollywood should be ashamed of itself for supporting this double standard. But as we know, Hollywood isn’t ashamed of anything they do.
Skepticism
Risen – a trailer Use the link to see a trailer of the movie.
I think we all have a small part of ourselves that is skeptical. Can we believe what the presidential candidates say? Can we believe the reason our spouse is late? Can we believe the missing money went to pay for gas? Is the compliment genuine?
While I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose from the grave 3 days later, after seeing the movie Risen I wondered if I had been there what would I have believed? It would be nice to be confident enough to say, I would have recognized the messiah immediately. However if I am honest I would have been a skeptic just like the main character in the movie. I would have wanted evidence. Even now I find at times I seek evidence that God is active in my life. I want my prayers answered and my faith can waiver when they are not.
Our world has groomed us to be skeptics. We are taught not to trust from a very early age. Our doors stay locked. Our kids don’t talk to strangers. We don’t know our neighbors. We worry the other guy is after our job. We wonder if our spouse is faithful. Being skeptical is an American trait. It’s what we do.
Now I believe we should not always accept things at face value but neither should we dismiss something just because we’re afraid to trust. The element of trust has been broken and dismantled in our society. Do we truly trust any of the presidential candidates to put the needs of the country first? Do we believe they answer honestly or does our skepticism get in the way of actually hearing?
Our government is not a TV reality show. While one candidate might make for entertaining TV, that doesn’t mean he or she should be president. In my opinion a good president is like a good parent. Some times the things you have to do hurt and don’t bring pleasure or joy but you know it’s best in the long run. Hard decisions today make for a better tomorrow.
I don’t want to be a skeptic anymore. I want to trust my God and my fellow man.
Sounds of Life
Have you noticed how we are rarely without man made noise in our life? It’s cars, horns, TVs, radio, MP3 player, airplanes etc. There is always noise. Even inside a home there are the sounds of clocks ticking or a washing machine going. Most of us don’t take the opportunity or I should say make the opportunity to sit in silence.
Having lived alone now for a few years, I find I leave the TV on even if I’m not watching it. I find the silence in my apartment can be deafening. The longing for the sound of a another person near by is sorely missed. I think about what life was like before the advent of so many man-made noises. No telephones ringing. No alarms going off. No beeps or tweets.
All this noise is a stimulant and it keeps us from stopping to hear the sounds of nature, our hearts, our souls and God. But sitting in complete silence is a challenge for me and I think it’s a challenge for the modern world. But ultimately it’s one we need to rise to and embrace.
Are we born with it?
I love the Poldark Series by Winston Graham. My favorite character is Demelza and this is why I am so captivated by her.
A quote from Demelza by Winston Graham. “He sighed and put her hand against his cheek. It was not a disconsolate sigh, for her returning life was a tonic to his soul. Whatever she suffered, whatever loss came to her, she would throw it off, for it was not in her nature to go under…..But chiefly it was because some element had put in her nature to be happy. She was born so and could not change.”Are we born with a certain personality? We all know people who always seem to be happy regardless of their circumstances and there are people who are always depressed and sad. Do we come into this world one way or the other with no hopes of changing? Clearly Ross believes Demelza was born with a happy disposition and could not change. He believes he has her opposite disposition with a perpetually pessimistic outlook.
I’ve read so many books about this very topic. You can find a book to support both positions but now many experts agree that our outlook on life is a combination of our inborn personality and life experiences. I can attest to this. My sister and I are two years apart but on the opposite ends of optimism and pessimism. Wish I could say I was the lucky one with the natural sunny outlook but I’m not. I have to work everyday to have a positive outlook and believe the best is ahead of me.
Reading Ross and Demelza’s story resonates with me. It reminds me they we do have a choice on how we perceive our life and a choice to how we react and proceed forward when things don’t go our way. This is why I titled my blog Living Like Demelza. I want to work towards living with Demelza’s spirit and attitude in my own life.
And the door remains closed
Received an email today that said I didn’t get the job. I’ve been looking for three years 2 months. Everyone is full of suggestions and trust me, I’ve tried them all. God clearly has plans for me that currently don’t include working. I hope He knows I have very limited time to find a job. If I don’t get something that pays at least $40,000 a year, I will have to store all of my furniture and personal belongings. Then I will move about 1600 miles away and in with my mom.
Now I love my mom but I’m an adult woman who hasn’t lived at home for 34 years. Her home is small and full of her things. She shouldn’t have to readjust her entire home to accommodate me.
I feel ashamed and humiliated. After 30 years of marriage, followed by 3 years of divorce I still can’t support myself. No matter how often and how long I pray, I can’t seem to figure out God’s purpose in this. Why would he leave me unable to support myself? I don’t understand.
I have less than two months to find something. Mid-April I have to give my notice at my apartment and without a job I will have to leave when my lease is up.
It comes to an end, Downton Abbey
Above is a photo my daughter took when she visited Highclere Castle in England. We are all Downton Abbey fans and now we are just waiting for the final episode. Why are people so enthralled with the show? Why do we want to watch the ups and downs of a family across the sea? I can only answer these questions for myself.
We live in a world where manners are almost non-existent. Rarely does anyone dress up anymore. You see a variety of shapes and sizes in tightfitting, torn, faded, old and inappropriate clothing on pretty much everyone. There was a time that people took pride in how they looked and I am not talking about a six pack abs or a surgically enhance breasts. Their clothing spoke to the world about who they were. Now you go to church on Sunday and wonder if the women went straight from the club to church. There are short, short skirts, tight dresses, 6 inch heels, heavy makeup and more surgically enhanced body parts than you could ever imagine.
The people in Downton Abbey, both the family and the servants took their jobs and position seriously. Whether they wore the same black maid’s dress every day or changed multiple times like Lady Mary and Lady Edith, they took time to look their best.
Manners ruled the day. Now I am not in favor of going back to the rigid rules of the early 20th century, I am in favor or restoring basic courtesy. No more cars cutting in front of me on the freeway. No more parking spaces stolen. No more awkward questions by nosy people about things that are none of their business.
Communication was slow either by post or the newly installed telephone. Words carried weight and people didn’t send off a letter in haste. Writing out your words helps calm the strongest passion or hatred. Now with a simple click you can share your most outrageous thoughts in an instant. And once it’s in the cyber-world it is basically irretrievable. Words said in haste, a moment of anger or hurt can’t be retracted. I know from personal experience having blasted off a few not so nice texts and twitter posts.
Watching people live their lives with standards for themselves and the way they interact with others is refreshing. Seeing the opulence of the upstairs life with all their problems and seeing that the downstairs staff while they have their problems still have joy and happiness with much less. In our money hungry society where a person’s worth is determined by his/her bank account rather than the size and quality of their heart, I could whisk myself away into another time, a world more refined and kinder.
I shall miss spending my Sunday evenings with Lord and Lady Grantham, Mary, Edith, Sybil, Dowager Countess, Tom, Mr. Carson, Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Patmore, Daisy, Thomas, Anna and John Bates, Moseley, Isobel Crawley and the many, many folks that came and went in the past six years. It was a respite from the harsh and ugly world of today
My life on an unexpected path 