From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist. So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques […]
Category: divorce
Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ Amazon.com Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of […]
via Traumatization from this abuse. — After Narcissistic Abuse
In the Minutia
The above photo is a moth. Now when I find a moth in my apartment, my cat hunts it down until it is caught. I never think about the possibility the moth may be beautiful because I don’t look at it under a microscope seeking the intricate details. As I continue this journey, this transition I have come to understand while I have faith in God, because He didn’t answer yes to my prayer for the big picture of life, I haven’t been able to see Him at work in the minute details of my life.
I spent so many years believing God would come to my aid and save my marriage, heal my husband that when He didn’t, I lost hope. I don’t know if my faith was weaker than I believed it to be or if the sadness of heartbreak of the situation blinded me to the point I couldn’t see God in the midst of the heartache. With some time for retrospection, I know it’s the second. I was hammered so hard, I lost my ability to see God at work in the midst of losing the life I loved.
My children are patient with me. They understand all which was lost. They realized long before I did, their dad wasn’t really a father. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. He has no conscience, no heart, no ability to feel empathy. His world is his own and he turns his back on those of us who love him, because it is easier to pretend he has a perfect life. Sadly it is a perfectly false life, created by Satan to make him feel better. While I may have suffered, cried, been in the depths of depression, I have managed with the love of my children to see slowly learn God in the midst of this mess.
I can’t say I see God everyday. I don’t always seem Him in the minutia. Most days I have to give 110% to see Him working in my life. But day by day, with the prayers of family, friends and my blog friends, each day gets better. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but it is still progress.
Destroyed
Well my ex should be joyous and celebrating because I have had to lower my living standards again. Our first apartment when we were married was nicer than where I will be living. His goal has been to destroy my life and he has done just that. He lives on a pile of money with a woman who has filed bankruptcy twice, drove her ex to commit suicide and has over $500,000 in federal tax liens filed against her. I hope she sucks him dry.
53 days to go
I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.
For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.
If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.
So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.
Where are the Resources
I have found resources if you are a woman who has been beaten by your husband and living in a shelter. I have found resources for drug addicts, alcohols, sexual predators, people with anger management issues and resources for those who have been employed and now find themselves unemployed. AARP boasts on national television how they can help you “Re-imagine your Life.” The problem is AARP makes the assumption you have been an employed adult for most of your life and now you want to pursue a passion rather than just a way to pay to the bills and keep a roof over your head.
Where are the resources for women over 50 who stayed home with their children only to be thrown in the trash by their self-centered, egomaniac husbands who believe a younger woman will keep them from aging. (The irony is the younger the woman, the older he actually looks.) I’ve hunted. I’ve searched. I have had no luck. Because I am a college educated woman who chose to give 30 years of her life to her family, I don’t qualify. Everyone makes the assumption a college degree is the answer. They are wrong.
If I hear one more time, “Oh you are so smart and have so much to offer, I think I’ll puck on the spot. Clearly whatever it is I have to offer, no one is hiring. And no service organization wants to help because I don’t fit their “demographic”. So like many other women who gave their life to their family, I will in 8 weeks find myself homeless. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke and I don’t do drugs. I am college educated but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.
A Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being – they are only an emotionless facsimile.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist. Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which Narcissists have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as […]
A Black Hole
A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.
I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness.
Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.
Shame on you Huffington Post
Look at the woman in the following photos.
She is an editor for Huffpost50. Yes you read that right. She is writing articles geared towards an age group she won’t see for probably 20 plus years. I am sure she is a capable writer and editor but we face AGE DISCRIMINATION everyday and even more so if you are female.
I was a “domestic engineer” for 30 years until my ex decided he needed someone younger. I’ve been unemployed since the divorce, January 2013. I’ve applied for every kind of job you can imagine with no luck. Now imagine I feel, along with the millions of women who are over 50, learning one of the editors could be our daughter or granddaughter.
Age discrimination is one of the last forms of discrimination still accepted. It needs to stop.
Caught in a Trap
I feel exactly as the mouse does in the photo. I am trapped by something I didn’t see. And like the mouse it didn’t kill me, it just caught me and won’t let go. The mouse was alive. You can tell because it’s blurred in the photo.
I feel trapped. I am trapped by the life I chose to lead. I chose to be a stay at home mom and wife. I chose to make my husband and family the center of my life. I chose to believe my ex husband would fulfill his vows of until death do us part. How was I to see he lied at every opportunity?
So now I am faced with something I never thought about. I have worried about getting cancer. I have worried about losing someone I love in a tragic accident (like a dear friend of mine did, I worry about losing my only living parent. I like everyone else worries from time to time. I just never thought I would be facing living in my car at 56, not after giving the best years of my life to my ex-husband.
His promise was in sickness and in health. I stayed when he was caught being a peeping tom. I stayed when he said he used hookers. I stayed when I learned he was addicted to pornography. Why you ask? For a million reasons. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. (A lie). I believed him when he said he’d get help. (A lie). I promised God I would be a faithful helpmate and not desert him, so I stayed.
It clearly was a mistake. A huge mistake and I can’t find the logic in why God has allowed him to continue living the high life with a big house, a young girlfriend and her kids. While his own daughters struggle to get by and I face living in my car. Everyone assures me God hasn’t deserted me and He has a higher purpose. Well he certainly has left me in the dark because I don’t know what’s going on.
Everyday it is a struggle to get up and it’s a struggle not to end it every night. I fight because I love my daughters. But as I said in an earlier post, I am soul weary.
Narcissists can be nomadic and secretive creatures like the lone wolf.
I see my ex-husband when this article mentions the narcissist needs a clean slate because his past is right behind him. How else could a man turn his back on his children? On the wife that stood by him when he was wanted by the police?
From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist. Some Narcissists seem very hesitant to put down realistic roots anywhere, preferring to be as independent and mobile as possible, unless of course they are pursuing new supply with many promises of a secure future together! If […]
Sounds of Silence
Demelza is one of my favorite characters from a book. You can find her in Poldark by Winston Graham. She lived near the Cornwall coast in the late 18th century. She lived so close she could hear the waves breaking against the rocks and shore. What else would she have heard? Birds, the wind, Garrick barking, horse hooves, distant voices, Ross in the library, servants in the kitchen, her children? Certainly she didn’t live in a silent world but she also didn’t live in a world where she was constantly bombarded with artificially created sounds which we live with now.
I live alone. Until my divorce in January 2013, I had never lived alone. I had been alone for several days at a time but always knew someone would be returning. During that time I enjoyed the quiet. It was refreshing. Now, the silence is oppressive. I feel as thought I am in a room and the walls are closing in. My apartment is wound proofed well so except for the occasional thump from my upstairs neighbors, I don’t hear anything. I listen. I sit in the quiet and nothing. It’s too hot to open the windows and even if I did I would hear man-made sounds. So I keep the TV on if I am home. The sound fills up the space. I don’t feel so alone.
I don’t think we realize how much constant noise is in our lives until it is gone. And I don’t think we realize the importance of sounds whether they are nature’s music or man-made sound. a lot has been written about the effect sound can have on our spirit. I read that repeatedly listening to sad music can dampen your mood. And when non-communicating Alzheimer’s patients were given headphones and the tunes of their youth played, the awareness of their surroundings increased and their mood were improved.
I believe one reason Demelza was infused with a happy spirit was because she absorbed everything around her, the sounds and the sites. So in the spirit of living like Demelza, I am going to try to fill my empty air with sounds that make me happy whether that is music, an audio book, a nature CD or even my favorite TV show. And I am also going to take time to enjoy the peace and quiet I have been given at this time in my life.
Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist
1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before? Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking cla…
Desperately Seeking
I know for anyone who reads my blog this is a redundant post. However as the days go by I am left with fewer and fewer choices. Supposedly we live in a society that values contribution unless it is that of a mother and wife. After over 25 years of running a household, volunteering in my community and helping my friends and neighbors, I am turned away time and time again for employment.
Every day I receive another rejection in my inbox. Never do they state why I am being passed over. Is there no one willing to take a chance on me? My ex-husband has left me without the financial means to care for myself without a job. I had enough for these three years. I never anticipated being unable to find a job. I don’t need to make a lot of money. My ex-husband makes $300,000 a year now. In the past three years his income has almost doubled. Funny how that happened post divorce. I only need to make $40,000 a year. That is just 6 weeks equivalent to my ex-husband’s income.
I have given up any feeling that I am not having the life I deserve or the life I earned and worked for. I should be traveling, anticipating grand-kids, volunteering in my community and pursuing my interests after all those years of caring for Doug and our daughters, but that is not my life. My life is now one of loneliness, struggle and fear. My prayers have gone unanswered. God isn’t giving me any guidance of what my next step should be. I keep listening but I hear nothing, not even the slightest hint.
I am at a complete loss as what I should do. It is a sad statement on our society that women like me are so easily discarded.
Soul Fatigue
My soul is tired. My mind is tired. I cling to hope but as the days go by my grasp is slipping. Whether I like it or not, I cannot make it without a job. I do not want to live in my car. I don’t want to move into the tiny, tiny, overcrowded room in my mother’s house. I’m willing to downsize more. I’ve gone from 4200 sq feet to 1000 sq feet but even a small apartment costs money.
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve applied for every type of job you can imagine. I’ve had no success. Even though I pray and hold on to the hope that God will provide me with a job or a sense of what I should do, but so far I am still completely in the dark. I start thinking I should have sucked it up and stayed married to an emotionally abusive man and then I realize I wouldn’t have survived. But the lure of financial security is strong.
I was scared but now I’m just too weary to even be frightened.
What Abusers Hope We Never Learn About Trauma Bonding
By AvalancheOfTheSoul Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond—but you don’t need to be Houdini to […]
The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists
There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us. Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them. A – Amoral. Narcissists are […]
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/the-a-zs-of-everyday-malignant-narcissists/
Stepping outside the comfort zone
I have taken photography lessons but never really have just gone out and taken photos. Thanks to Lady Bird Johnson , Texas is abloom with native wildflowers. Fields of flowers are protected from mowing. They can’t be mowed down until they’ve turned t seed. This insures the flowers return next year.
As I drive I see a sea of bluebonnets interspersed with buttercups. I can’t see these flowers and not think of my grandmother. I moved to Dallas in April 1985 and the weather had been perfect to produce a spectacular show of color. I remember her telling me the common names of all the flowers. It’s a poignant memory because she is no longer with us and the life I was starting in Dallas all those years ago was destroyed over time by choices of my ex.
Now I’m in Austin. A young and vibrant city where they love music, the environment, good food and life. I’m having to search for my youthful spirit because it was lost due to abuse and time. Can I turn back the internal clock and feel and be young again.
It’s over
I’m throwing in the towel. God has sent me a very clear message and it’s time I give up. My husband dumped me after I forgave him time and time again for betraying me and our vows. He has gone on to a younger girlfriend although she looks like the wicked witch of the west. He bought her a house nicer than anything he ever bought me and he spend more time with her brats than he ever spent with his own daughters. In fact he has completely disowned them and so have his parents? Why you ask? Because they refuse to interact with a man who is an alcoholic and sexual deviant.
I’ve sought employment for three years and every time the door slams in my face. I received two more rejections yesterday. I’m done. I want nothing more to do with anything and anyone. My girls while they struggle financially have strong self esteem and deep faith in God. Clearly a God who has chosen to abandon me. That’s fine. I accept it. I’m not going to fight it anymore.
Road Trip?
Since I haven’t been able to find employment, I’ve been considering a possible road trip. Financially I can make it happen since I will no longer have rent and the costs associated with renting. My mother has agreed to keep my cat. The question is do I go? Do I spend July, August and part of Septembern exploring? There are places I’d love to see. I have friends throughout the country so hotel costs would be kept at a minimum. I could write about my experiences.
Or is a road trip just putting off the envitable? I know I must work but facing more rejections seems overwhelming. To get one more email with thanks but we found someone better suited is more than I can handle right now. Three long years of drought. Am I that undesirable as an employee? Is it my age? A combination of age and the fact I was a stay at home mom? I need the tide to turn. I need something good to happen in my life.
I’ve finally reached a point where I’m not drowning in depression. I’m ready to face life as a middle aged divorcée. I might not like it but I can do it. I worry that the dark demon will resurface if something doesn’t go my way soon.
So maybe I will take a road trip and discover things I’ve yet to learn.
My life on an unexpected path 