Category: God

Posted in Dreaming, Experience, Faith, friends, friendship, God, life, love, seasons, Uncategorized

Surprise blessing

Posted on by Dede
Luxury Gift Basket

Recently, I went to a preschool Christmas concert and their parents’s group was having a raffle to raise money. I could get five tickets for $20 and it was for a good cause. I never expected to win anything. Someone right after me bought 60 tickets so I figured my five wouldn’t win. There were 3 incredible raffle choices.

Imagine my surprise when I got a phone call Wednesday morning informing me, I had won the luxury basket worth over $1000. So many wonderful items like a Lola blanket, a skylight calendar, a hatch restore, a diffuser, a spa gift certificate, a car detailing gift certificate and more.

I’ll be honest I had to look up what a skylight calendar and a hatch restore was because I didn’t know.

What surprised me the most is how many people told me they were so glad I won. They thought I really deserved it. I was overwhelmed by their generous and kind thoughts.

I haven’t really been pampered in a very long time. Oh there is the random pedicure and even more random manicure but massages, face treatments, getting my car detailed, I just can’t afford to do those things anymore. So to be showered with so many wonderful luxurious items is an unexpected blessing.

It’s a wonderful way to end the year 2025 and a really great way to begin 2026.

Posted in Blogging, book, choices, daily prompt, divorce, Dreaming, Faith, family, Goal, God

I should have listened!

Posted on by Dede

How many times did I hear this phrase or ones similar to it: Time flies, Stop and smell the roses, You’ll miss these days, The days are long but the years are short etc. Of course like most people under 40, I just smiled and went on about my life.

I knew my children would grow up. I knew they would need me less and less each year. I was aware as some point in my life I knew I would become an empty nester. Even with all the warnings, I never saw it coming. One day I was making lunches, hauling children to activities, listening to angsty teenagers call from college, wanting an ear but no advice. And for me the empty nester situation had an added layer called divorce. I didn’t see that coming either.

How many times have I thought if I could just do that over? I was much too focused on appearances and what other people thought, to listen to my children as well as I could have. I lost my temper when I grew short of patience. Longing for those days when my children were young and my marriage before it was destroyed by my ex-husband, comes to me in waves. The waves come less often and are not a intense as they once were.

I have allowed myself to heal. A broken heart and regrets take time to get better and to not be painful 24/7. With counseling, a renewed faith in God and his faithfulness, I am so much better. And I do my best to enjoy each day for what it has to offer. I even have an opportunity to be a better caregiver as I have been the nanny to three young children for the past 6.5 years. I’ve mellowed over the years.

I am still growing and changing. Still searching for the motivation to pursue things that brought me joy in the past like writing, sewing, photography lessons, learning a foreign language. When I had all sorts of time, I wasted it. Now I work 10 plus hours a day, coming home exhausted, it has been a struggle but I found a book called Best Year Yet, A Journal for Becoming your Best self by Chronicle books. One of my problems was and still is I can’t think of anything to do beyond what I’ve already done. This book gives me different activities to do focusing on general areas most people would like to improve. I’ve completed January and February activities and I moved onto March. It’s not always easy, I find excuses but having an actual list has encouraged me to push forward.

Not sure how it became 2023. Time really does fly and I should have listened to those who knew and slowed down.

Posted in divorce, Faith, God, life, Moving

An Adventure Begins

Posted on by Dede

IMG_0886

God is Good! When I found myself divorced 6.5 years ago, I believed I would never own a home again. I couldn’t find a job. I was living off a quickly depleting 401K and felt utterly unrooted and that was the key. It wasn’t that I hated renting, but it gave me the feeling of impermanence. Prior to the divorce, I had lived in the same community for almost 30 years. Now in 6.5 years I have made 5 moves. Never underestimate God.

After trying to qualify for a mortgage a few years ago, I felt it was a lost cause. Then I decided to try again at the first of this year. The mortgage broker with whom I spoke, told me I could NOT qualify. It was heartbreaking. Then a dear friend told me to try someone else so I did. After giving him my information, he said I could qualify!! I couldn’t believe my ears. In fact I am not certain I believed, until I received the CLEAR TO CLOSE email in my inbox. I’ll be closing the end of May and moving in mid-July. I’ll have no help but somehow I’ll manage.

Upon seeing that email, I began to cry. They were tears of joy but my heart was and still is full of so many emotions. Gratefulness, happiness, joy, coupled with fear and sadness. Why fear and why sadness? My daughter and her family are moving 1,635 miles away to the East. My younger daughter lives 1,412 miles to the West. According to google maps they are 2,711 miles apart. And this will be the first time in my entire life, I have lived with no family or close friends nearby.

Being alone, not living alone, but having no one near to call on in an emergency scares me. I’ll be alone on all major holidays except Christmas. I won’t be there when my daughter has her 2nd child in November. With a 50 hours per week job and not a lot of extra money, the ability to travel to see them is and will be very limited. And that doesn’t include trying to see my 82 yr old mother and sister who live 1,242 miles away.

But God is good and I will never underestimate Him again. If this is where He wants me to live and work, then I will accept it and find joy. As I approach my 60th birthday, it is ever more evident that life doesn’t roll along like a slow paced creek, but it rushes by like river rapids. There is no time to waste. I have to get onboard and go for the ride.

Posted in God, life, Uncategorized

Second Chances

Posted on by Dede

God has taken my life down a path I never imagined. This path has been a very bumpy ride but it has brought me a deeper faith and given me an opportunity I never thought I would have.

As a young mother I did my best to be a good mom and make memories with my daughters. Of course as life teaches us hindsight is 20/20 and I can now look back and see many times I was too busy just to enjoy my daughters. So I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to God for bringing me to this place in my life.

I now work 50+ hours a week as a nanny but while I’m paid I don’t feel like a nanny. In fact that the oldest renamed me Mimi. The two boys I watch are like grandsons to me. (Top 2 photos). And to make this blessing even grander, my own daughter and son-in-law gave me a grandson in June. (Bottom photo). I get to spend my time with these three precious boys and I have the wisdom to know just to enjoy the moments and not stress out over little things. My life is overflowing with love.

I wouldn’t have picked or imagined this life for myself which is why I am so thankful God knows best because it’s been many years since I’ve been this happy and had this much peace.

Wishing you Joy and love this Christmas and every day in 2018.

Posted in Faith, God

A Miracle around the Corner

Posted on by Dede

Above is a photo of the Ethan Allen hall table I purchased at a resale shop for $85. Little did I know stopping at the new resale shop around the corner would turn out not to be a random choice I made.

I clicked with the owner right away.  We chatted for over 45 minutes. After I made sure the table would fit, I called back and said I wanted the table.

Yesterday I stopped again to look at a small side table. Unfortunately it has sold but we began to chat again. And before I knew it this woman and her husband were praying over me. No one has ever prayed over me in my 57 years. Standing in a circle of three, hearing ‘Lord lift her up, remind her Lord you have better days planned for her’ and many more words of love, I left the store choking back tears.

As much as I love my new ‘used’ table, I believe there was divine intervention and the table was just used to get me inside to meet these wonderful people.

Posted in book, Faith, God, Jesus, Learning, Uncategorized

Getting in the Way

Posted on by Dede


I was watching a rerun of an episode of Outlander on Starz. Claire is intent on stopping the battle of Culloden. She is also intent on keeping Alex from Mary because she believes Jack Randall is the ancestor of her modern day husband Frank.

I didn’t really think about this when I read the book or watched the episode the first time around. Claire can not change the future. She is wrong about Frank’s ancestors. Her meddling caused all sorts of problems and ultimately nothing changed.

I see myself in Claire. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to “make” things turn out the way I want rather than getting out of God’s way and letting Him handle my life. The more I get in the way, the slower God is to act because He gives me free will and I insist on blocking my own way.

Outlander is just a book, a story but like in all things we can learn something about ourselves. I’ve begun a study of Psalms. One or two verses at time. Following Luther’s suggestion I read for instruction, then thanksgiving, then confession and finally prayer. This simple study is opening my heart and teaching me to get out of the way.

Posted in Faith, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

Believers help needed

Posted on by Dede


This is a small country church set in the flat lands of central Texas. Even though it is small it carries on with worship and sharing the good news. For fellow believers I have a question because I need help.

I can’t seem to find hope for tomorrow. I believe in the hope and promise of heaven but right now while I am still on God’s green earth, I’ve lost my hope. My good friend called me recently because of a very upsetting conversation I had with my mother. Even she said if you could just have something go your way, catch a break, get good news, it would help so much. I very much feel like an amateur man’s version of Job. My life doesn’t even begin to compare to his, but my battle with depression creates a barrier to finding hope. My therapist says I shouldn’t need to hold onto the idea of something good happening in my life to be happy and content. Just being alive should be enough.

So fellow believers, how do I persevere? How do I dig my way out of hopelessness? How do I find where I belong when my entire life was ripped away and has forced me to move multiple times in just 3 years. I know my real home is in heaven but right now I need to know where God wants me planted. I’m alone. No local friends. Only been here a month but I’ve but I’ve visited two churches. My heart aches. I just want to go home but home no longer exists. It’s just me and no one else.

Posted in divorce, Experience, Faith, God, life, Uncategorized

Where do I belong?

Posted on by Dede

I know I’ve asked this question before and it is redundant. I had thought I would spend my life in a suburb of DFW. I had been there for 30 years and never dreamed I’d live anywhere else. Then like so many middle aged women, my husband decided he needed a fresh start with a younger woman. So I am left with not just an emotional and financial struggle but the search for where I belong. Where is home? My children are grown and off pursuing their own lives.


There is no particular place I must live and as the little amount of money I have dwindles away, I continue to search for a way to support myself. I feel so displaced, like a fish out of water. Soon I may have little choice. It will be a very small room at my mother’s house or my car. I’d just like to find the one place which will feel like home, the place I belong.

Posted in Experience, Faith, family, God, summer, Uncategorized

Time to Celebrate 

Posted on by Dede


It’s time to celebrate. I am “unpacked” and settling in to my new place. I’ve managed to stay somewhat organized. My cat, Finn has adjusted and has taken his rightful place in the front window.

And it’s time to give thanks for this wonderful country I call home. America is not perfect and it will never be perfect but I love her anyway. Her beauty is in her imperfections. Her beauty is found in her diversity. Her beauty is made more beautiful by our shared belief in each person’s right to the pursuit of happiness. 

I’ve been fortunate to travel and have been places where there is little cultural or ethnic diversity. And while those places were beautiful and the people kind, our diversity adds such depth to who we are. I am proud to be an American.

Posted in communication, divorce, Faith, God, relationships, Uncategorized

He finally reached me

Posted on by Dede


I have spent a large part of my time on this blog complaining and lamenting my situation. I’ve expressed a huge range of emotions tied to feeling betrayed by my ex.

God gave me many doors during my marriage to leave and my pride kept me there. I’ve spent the last few months coming to terms with my choice to stay when God so clearly wanted me to leave. Now that I have come through the door to the other side the only emotion I feel towards my ex is pity.

The simplest definition of Pity is: a strong feeling of sadness or sympathy for someone or something. I do feel sympathy for my ex because he is blind to what matters in life. His heart is hardened. He values his image and material things. We know God doesn’t see just the image we project. He sees directly to our heart so while my ex may be fooling those around him, he is not fooling me, his daughters, son-in-law or God. We know the truth about who he is. And he has sadly bought into the lie the world tells about money and possessions. Those things pass away but the love my family and I have will last because it is based on our faith and not on what we possess or what others think of us.

With Father’s Day approaching I realized God had finally reached me and changed my direction when my primary emotion towards my ex is pity. I am no longer consumed with anger although I still feel angry from time to time. What I feel looking back and looking forward is nothing but pity for my ex because he is the one who has lost out not just now but for eternity.

Posted in daughters, Goal, God, Moving, New life, Uncategorized

Don’t worry Haha

Posted on by Dede

My youngest told me today it was time to stop worrying about her and her sister and start to worry about myself. I wanted to laugh because most parents (except my ex) always have their children on their hearts and minds. I don’t worry per se, but I pray for them and if they are sick or feeling down I’m concerned. It’s like the moment your child is born as with goes on inside of you and you realize for the first time in your life what love really is. 

I am doing my best to focus on rebuilding my life as I approach my next move. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a local theater. I’ve joined a few Meetup groups. I found out I qualify for a free senior checking account and a discount at the community recreation center. (Happy to save money but still difficult to realize how old I am). 

It’s hot and humid here in central Texas. As I sweat or as a southern lady  glisten my way through the day, I remind myself all that humidity is good for my skin and helps delay wrinkles!! I am privileged to grow old. Not everyone gets the opportunity.

Posted in depression, divorce, Experience, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

How to rebuild a life

Posted on by Dede

I am not certain I even know the answer to the question posed in the title. I’d be lying if I said I expected being divorced would be such difficult adjustment. Because I had been so unhappy for so long and finally had found a small shred of self-esteem I felt like I had the world by the tail. Of course it was a tail spin. I waited 30 years for my narcissistic sex addicted husband to hit bottom and change. His life consists of a bottomless pit. My life did not.

I hit bottom in April 2015. It took two years to smack into th bottom and I’m still working on climbing back up from the pit of darkness. I think if you get as depressed as I was and still sometimes am, baby steps are the most important rule.

1. Yes you hurt. Yes it’s painful. All you have to do is breathe for one minute, then five minutes and then ten minutes. I have found the smaller the steps the faster I can navigate through the darkness.

2. You are on no one’s recovery time schedule except your own. It might take me another year to completely come out of the darkness. It might take 5 years. It might only take three months. While those who care for you will want you to “get well”, they must understand everyone heals at different rates.

3. Your new life won’t look like your old life but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good. This is one I have trouble accepting. I’m struggling to imagine a future with possibilities. Again I am finding if I begin by seeing small possibilities, my hope is over time I will be able to see big possibilities.

4. You do not control the world which means everything is not your fault. For whatever reason I was the scapegoat in every difficult situation at home, school, even church. I found it easier to accept the blame and keep the waters smooth. I had the false idea I could control the world around me with my choices and actions. I can’t make someone do something no matter how much I want it. I don’t control the world.

5. If you can’t feel sadness, you can’t feel happiness. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I just ignored my emotions. We are supposed to have a full range of emotions, not just happy. Take the time to look at this list. Feeling words When we think of emotions we have such a limited vocabulary, happy, sad, angry, jealous etc but if you look at the list there are so many. I have begun to choose 1-3 words from the list each day. I am having to relearn to recognize my emotions.

6. Ask for help. Don’t refuse help. This has been difficult for me. Asking my girls for help. Refusing their offers to come to me and comfort me. Seeing myself as a burden rather than a blessing. I was taught love is conditional but I taught my girls love is unconditional. I am having to learn I can be loved just because I am me.

7. It takes time. And I may be lacking many things but time is one thing I have.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Jesus, Uncategorized

He is near

Posted on by Dede


I am going to memorize this verse. I am definitely crushed in spirit but I must try and hold fast to my faith. God will not abandon me even though it feels as if He has.

Posted in divorce, Faith, family, fear, God, Uncategorized

53 days to go

Posted on by Dede

I must be out of my apartment in 53 days and the above signs express things which have been running through my head. I can’t say I agree with the sign on the left. I agree we can choose where we make our home, but I don’t think it only exists in your mind. So many things go into making a place a home. It is not about the location, the size or the cost, it is about the memories. When I was a young mother, I had so many great ideas and plans. Then so easily was distracted by the day-to-day responsibilities I forgot all the plans I had. My daughters and I did make many happy memories and we are in the process of adding more memories all the time. But right now, not having any place to “call home” has caused me distress.

For me personally, I need a secure, solid home base and I don’t have it. In fact I am not certain I will ever have it again. Much was lost when I divorced and leaving the area I called home for thirty years was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made. It was if I was a mighty oak tree with deeply planted roots which was ripped out of the ground. But rather than being directly transplanted into a rich soil, the beautiful tree (me) was sat to the side and forgotten. And since that time in January 2013, I haven’t found the place where I belong.

If money was unlimited then I’d have a long list of places I would like to go because I would have the ability to travel and see my children as often as I like. But with no job, very limited funds, and no job in my foreseeable future, my choices are very limited. I failed to make the right choice years ago when I learned my ex-husband, Doug Erickson, an AA pilot, was a sexual deviant wanted by the police. I stayed married because I was afraid to leave and now ultimately I am paying a heavy price for not leaving in 1999.

So the sign on the right shows how I feel. Do I go right? Do I go left? Do I move near my oldest daughter for the next three years and when she and her husband move hope I can afford to follow them? Or do I run the risk of being left in the middle of Texas with the closest airport over two hours away? Living near my younger daughter is not an option because she is still in pursuit of her career and not settled on one place. My fear has me paralyzed. I have a very real fear of being homeless of belonging nowhere. I know my readers know this. I am thankful for all the prayers they have said for me. I am praying I will hear God’s voice and know his will, so I make the right choice, the right move for my life this time.

 

Posted in daughters, Faith, family, God, love, Uncategorized

When your world changes 

Posted on by Dede


I know I’ve done a lot of moaning and groaning on my blog but today I would like to give thanks for the first of the two greatest gifts God has ever given me. My first child was born 32 years ago today. Like all parents I wonder where the years have gone. Shouldn’t I be the young woman with life ahead of me? She has given me immeasurable joy, support, compassion, and love. She’s had enduring faith in my ability to get better. Her faith in God is profound and she has wisdom beyond her years. God gifted her with a beautiful voice, a tender heart and a magnificent, loving and Godly husband.

She changed my life for the better and I have never been more thankful for her presence in my life. I love you dear sweet baby girl.

Posted in depression, divorce, God, Uncategorized

A Black Hole

Posted on by Dede


A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.Strange to be heading directly for a black hole. The gravitational force refuses to let me go. The closer I get to it the darker it becomes. I don’t see a way out. I can’t be the only person facing this future. The darkness and emptiness that swallows you completely. I have fought for a long time not to pass through into the darkness. But it can’t be any worse than the dim light I live in now. Who knows maybe it will give me relief not to want joy but be unable to feel it or have it. Maybe it’ll be a relief to let go and not care. I doubt you can be angry in a black hole. Anger comes from the belief you’ve been wronged. So you have the ability to see the contrast between right and wrong. In utter darkness I won’t be able to distinguish it so maybe I won’t be angry.

I taped boxes up today. Trying to get all the packing done well in advance of my departure. God has been silent for so long I wonder if I have already begun to enter the black hole of nothingness. 

Take the time to reach out to someone new. Make an effort to make new friends. They needn’t be someone you share your most private thoughts with, but they can feel included and wanted. Because ultimately isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted and needed and loved? Loved unconditionally. Not loved until you do one unknown wrong thing living in anticipation that today is the day you’ll be abandoned. 53 years is a long time to live like that. It’s been 3 years since I was thrown out with the trash. And I’m tired.

Posted in depression, Faith, God, Uncategorized

Fatigue 

Posted on by Dede

When most of us think of fatigue we think in terms of body fatigue. We’ve worked hard or exercised or chased after children or played a game of basketball, any number of things can make us feel tired.

But what about soul fatigue. What about a weariness that seems so deep into your heart and soul you can’t find a way out? How long does it take to become that weary? Like everything in life it’s different for everyone. For me it’s now. It’s three years and four months post divorce. It’s 17 years post the police calling the house looking for my ex because he had need positively identified as a peeping tom. It’s 15 years post learning my ex was viewing rape porn. It’s 10 years post being ignored and treated rudely in my own home by my ex father in law while my drunk ex let it happen. It’s 7 years post confession of ex admitting he uses prostitites. And of course since the beginning of my marriage in 1982 there was the use of pornography and strip clubs purchasing nude lap dances.

No wonder I’m depressed and hopeless. What kind of person would allow someone to treat her that way? I had faith God would heal him. I had faith God would heal our marriage. I had faith God wouldn’t desert me post divorce. I had faith God would lead me to a job. I had faith God would lead me to new friends. I had faith God would lead me to a new life. And most of all I had faith God would see to it that my ex husband suffered for all the pain he caused.

Well My faith proved to be useless. God has blessed my ex over and over. For me? Nothing. He’s turned his back on me. Guess I deserve it because I accepted the fact I was worthless.

Posted in Faith, God, Jesus, New life, Uncategorized

Time to go

Posted on by Dede

  

I turned in my notice today that I will not be renewing my lease. The tasks before me now include packing everything I own except for the basic necessities needed to travel. I also must locate a climate controlled storage unit that’s will hold everything it possible I will need two. Reserve them and make arrangement for movers. I have two months which is sufficient time if I pack everyday after work and devote my weekends to packing.

6 times now I’ve moved in four years. God clearly has decided He is not ready to stop punishing me. I no longer know what I can possibly learn from what I am experiencing nor do I see an end to it. I don’t belong anywhere with anyone. So no need to try and find home. Living on the road doesn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore. No more dreams of happiness and love. Just dreams of the open road.

Posted in family, friends, God, New life, Uncategorized

Where do you belong?

Posted on by Dede

  
Do you know where you belong? Do you have a place that is home? I’m not talking about a house but a place where you feel totally accepted? A place where your heart finds comfort? A place where friends are family and family are friends?

I hope so because I can tell you not having a place to belong makes one heartsick. I thought I had found where I belonged but divorce cost me that community. Now alone, I am like a ship with no sails in the ocean of life. Ugh what a terrible metaphor but it describes how I feel.

I am not at home or comfortable where I went to high school and college. I’ve been gone almost 34 years and I only lived there for 8 years. My finances greatly limits where I can go buy even if I had unlimited resources, I don’t know where I’d go. 

What makes you feel at home? What makes you feel accepted, part of the community? Do you have friends who are family and family who are friends? What brings you comfort? What makes you call your place home? 

Posted in divorce, Faith, fear, God, Uncategorized

Desperately Seeking

Posted on by Dede

I know for anyone who reads my blog this is a redundant post. However as the days go by I am left with fewer and fewer choices. Supposedly we live in a society that values contribution unless it is that of a mother and wife. After over 25 years of running a household, volunteering in my community and helping my friends and neighbors, I am turned away time and time again for employment.

Every day I receive another rejection in my inbox. Never do they state why I am being passed over. Is there no one willing to take a chance on me? My ex-husband has left me without the financial means to care for myself without a job. I had enough for these three years. I never anticipated being unable to find a job. I don’t need to make a lot of money. My ex-husband makes $300,000 a year now. In the past three years his income has almost doubled. Funny how that happened post divorce. I only need to make $40,000 a year. That is just 6 weeks equivalent to my ex-husband’s income.

I have given up any feeling that I am not having the life I deserve or the life I earned and worked for. I should be traveling, anticipating grand-kids, volunteering in my community and pursuing my interests after all those years of caring for Doug and our daughters, but that is not my life. My life is now one of loneliness, struggle and fear. My prayers have gone unanswered. God isn’t giving me any guidance of what my next step should be. I keep listening but I hear nothing, not even the slightest hint.

I am at a complete loss as what I should do. It is a sad statement on our society that women like me are so easily discarded.